Sleep incompatibility

[Happy Lemming]

You can pose next to the Ferrari in selfies and look good! Alas, I didn't get into this relationship to impress others. So, while some might love the Ferrari in the garage, you don't get to feel the raw emotions until you get behind the wheel. I want a relationship to make me feel good, not just make me look good. That's the dilemma I face.

 

I think you missed my analogy... A Ferrari would require a lot of maintenance and expense. The reward is taking it out of the garage and driving it (not taking a selfie with it). You say your girlfriend is quite attractive. She requires maintenance (house and car repairs done by you) and expense. Your reward was having sex with her. Now you can't even have a conversation about putting the relationship back on track that would maybe, possibly lead you back to having sex. You don't feel good in this relationship, yet you stay in it.

 

So she cries... boo - hoo. And you let her off the hook. She used tears to get her way and you get to continue to masturbate. That is the dilemma you face.

[Trail Blazer]

I think you missed my analogy... A Ferrari would require a lot of maintenance and expense. The reward is taking it out of the garage and driving it (not taking a selfie with it). You say your girlfriend is quite attractive. She requires maintenance (house and car repairs done by you) and expense. Your reward was having sex with her. Now you can't even have a conversation about putting the relationship back on track that would maybe, possibly lead you back to having sex. You don't feel good in this relationship, yet you stay in it.

 

So she cries... boo - hoo. And you let her off the hook. She used tears to get her way and you get to continue to masturbate. That is the dilemma you face.

I got your analogy. The selfie wasn't the reward, it was "the point" that you could own one without driving it but still derive some benefit from it. I made an analogy of my own within that response. But anyway, I digress...

 

No, I didn't let her off the hook because she cried. The conversation ended when her son came back in the living room. I'm seeing her tonight after he goes to bed. I've told her we need to talk more as we barely scratched the surface.

 

I'm not happy with the current arrangement, but I'm not willing to walk away just yet. There's no future if things do not change though, that's for sure.

[Happy Lemming]

I'm seeing her tonight after he goes to bed. I've told her we need to talk more as we barely scratched the surface.

 

I hope it goes well. My only suggestion... get to your point quickly. Don't beat around the bush, just in case the kid interrupts, once again or she gets too sleepy to talk.

 

Seriously... best of luck.

[Els]

OP, I think this is clearly just not working out. She needs a man who is able to understand the demands that her current life places on her. You need a woman who is able to pay more attention to you than she is able to. Why not just break up cordially? You have only been together for 8 months, this IS still the honeymoon phase. If you are writing a 14-page thread because you are unhappy with the attention that you are getting at 8 months, how will it be in 8 years?

 

 

In the future please don't introduce your kids to a woman this early on.

 

 

 

I think you missed my analogy... A Ferrari would require a lot of maintenance and expense. The reward is taking it out of the garage and driving it (not taking a selfie with it). You say your girlfriend is quite attractive. She requires maintenance (house and car repairs done by you) and expense. Your reward was having sex with her. Now you can't even have a conversation about putting the relationship back on track that would maybe, possibly lead you back to having sex. You don't feel good in this relationship, yet you stay in it.

 

So she cries... boo - hoo. And you let her off the hook. She used tears to get her way and you get to continue to masturbate. That is the dilemma you face.

 

 

I feel very sorry for your gf, Lemming. I can't imagine why anyone would be with a person who was in a relationship with them SOLELY for sex (or solely for house repairs, or solely for expenses...). But either way, I greatly pity anyone who is. Far better to be single IMO.

[Trail Blazer]

OP, I think this is clearly just not working out. She needs a man who is able to understand the demands that her current life places on her. You need a woman who is able to pay more attention to you than she is able to. Why not just break up cordially? You have only been together for 8 months, this IS still the honeymoon phase. If you are writing a 14-page thread because you are unhappy with the attention that you are getting at 8 months, how will it be in 8 years?

 

 

In the future please don't introduce your kids to a woman this early on.

 

I didn't write a 14 page thread, people like you contributed to it becoming a 14 page 15 page thread. So, thank you for your contribution.

 

Do you not think that what my girlfriend sounds like she needs is no man who actually exists? I mean, I couldn't have been more supportive, I couldn't have been nore helpful and I couldn't really ask for anything less without completely compromising the foundations of a fair and equitable relationship. The only choice was to back off, disengage and let whatever came of it come. That's noe the plan, rather than just walking.

[losangelena]

 

OP, maybe you’ve tried this already—forgive me, I can’t remember—but it seems like often, when you sit down and talk to her, it’s you trying to get information or “honesty” out of her. Why all the effort to make her explain herself? Have you tried having a conversation where you tell her how YOU feel? I find that when someone has a problem with what I’m doing, it’s much easier to hear from them how it effects them, rather than being asked why I’m doing such and such. Talk about pressure!

 

Maybe you’ve tried this already, I dunno. Because if she knows how her actions are effecting you, then she can decide if she’s willing to do anything about it.

 

Am still curious about this. ;-)

[Happy Lemming]

Trail Blazer...

 

How did last night's talk go??

[Trail Blazer]

I hope it goes well. My only suggestion... get to your point quickly. Don't beat around the bush, just in case the kid interrupts, once again or she gets too sleepy to talk.

 

Seriously... best of luck.

 

We had a chat last night. It was a bit of an eye opener. She admitted that the main reason things devolved was because she felt she wasn't being listened to. I was stunned by that admission.

 

I asked her to cite examples of when and where I hadn't listened to her. She gave a couple. Man, talk about taking things the wrong way, out of context, misinterpreting them and what have you. I asked her what else... she said "they were just examples." I asked her to give me some more, she didn't have any. Says she doesn't have a "photographic memory" but it's how she felt and that was that.

 

I took her to task on her whole mentality. I asked her some basic questions, essentially leading questions which required a yes or a no answer. When it was established that yes, in order for me to have done all the things I've done, to have come to many of the conclusions that I've arrived at without being told certain things, that I very much would have had to have been listening.

 

I'd told her how she had helped me through my tough separation. I'd told her how having her by my side was an asset and that her support was highly appreciated. She said my support was to her as well. I asked, "Really? Yet, the moment you feel 'not listened to' becausrle of two isolated instances where I gave you a suggestion (as opposed to shutting up and merely listening), you ghost me on an emotional and intimacy level."

 

The argument went around in circles. She just kept saying, " I felt like you weren't listening to me" and that's why she didn't give me feedback, because apparently I wouldn't have listened to that either. So, I told her that what it boiled down to was that it took only 2 isolated examples which she took the wrong way to completely undermine everything else I've done for her. She stared at me blankly. I asked her why SHE hadn't ended the relationship if that's how SHE felt. She told me she doesn't want to end it. I told her that if her attitude to communication doesn't improve, then we cannot possibly move forward.

 

Thankfully there were no tears this time. I followed up by telling her that I don't think she even knows what it's like to be supported, hence why she's behaving so inappropriately. Once again, she went back to saying how she felt like she wasn't being listened to and that the instances she referenced were "just examples". I told her she needed something more substantial than that and she started clasping her head in her hands saying I'm firing too many things at her and she feels under too much pressure.

 

I told her we'd leave it there for the night and encouraged her to think long and hard about what she wants from this relationship and think about the balance of effort both parties need to reach a happy compromise. I told her that right now the effort and compromise balance is unfairly weighted in her favor and it will need to change if we're to build a long lasting relationship. I got up and left.

 

She's been quite chatty this morning, including a suggestion that I sleep over Christmas Eve! Hmmm....

[Trail Blazer]

Am still curious about this. ;-)

 

I do both. I tell her how I feel, but I also expect honesty from her. If she sometimes needs a push along to get her to open up, then I'll do that.

[olivetree]

Communicating with her sounds like pulling teeth.

It would drive me crazy.

[Happy Lemming]

She's been quite chatty this morning, including a suggestion that I sleep over Christmas Eve! Hmmm....

 

I hope you find some happiness.

 

I must agree the two instances sound a bit "thin" to me, when you put it in the context of an 8 month relationship. You must have been listening, as you offered a suggestion. A suggestion is not always the correct solution to a problem, its just your view/opinion and how you may handle it. I don't see how a suggestion (right or wrong) should end with her "ghosting you on an emotional and intimate level"...

 

Scratching my head on that one...

[Tamfana]

Break up with her. Free her (and yourself) from this misery. After reading this and a couple of your previous threads I would have said the same thing she said, that you either don't listen to her or you just reject what she says and press further because you don't accept her answers. You rejected her saying you don't listen ("I took her to task on her whole mentality"). That relationship sounds draining.

 

You're still married to someone else anyway and you have two kids that could benefit from peace and stability while their parents go through divorce and then settle into new situations. It's a good idea to not date and definitely to not involve your kids in your new relationships for at least a year (probably 2 years) after your divorce is final.

[Trail Blazer]

I hope you find some happiness.

 

I must agree the two instances sound a bit "thin" to me, when you put it in the context of an 8 month relationship. You must have been listening, as you offered a suggestion. A suggestion is not always the correct solution to a problem, its just your view/opinion and how you may handle it. I don't see how a suggestion (right or wrong) should end with her "ghosting you on an emotional and intimate level"...

 

Scratching my head on that one...

With 2 hour discussions, it's hard to break it down into a few, readable paragraphs. However, I've tried to summarize how it went as accurately as possible.

 

What I didn't mamage to convey was that the 2 instances she cited were when the suggestion and analogy I used she didn't like. There were many other times I made suggestions to a problem, or used an analogy to convey that I got what what she was saying.

 

It boils down to that classic case of women not wanting someone to "fix" their problems, they just want someone to vent to. All of the times I made suggestions contributed to her feeling "you listen to respond, not to understand." I dispute that, because I suggested things she hadn't thoight of because I understood some of her conundrums better than her. I felt I was adding value. She didn't. Oh well.

 

I bet if I'd just sat blankly all those times, been unresponsive, or simply said "there there" like a female poster had remarked about in an unrelated thread about a similar topic to this issue at hand, I might have been accused of not listening, either. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

[olivetree]

Do you paraphrase what she said and ask clarifying questions to understand what she means better?

Your use of analogies is good.

 

I think if she truly feels that you're not listening to her, then her not bothering to communicate is obviously not going to work either.

 

Not communicating at all is worse, IMO.

She could have come to you and told you she didn't feel heard instead of you pulling it out of her.

[elaine567]

She could have come to you and told you she didn't feel heard instead of you pulling it out of her.

 

 

Maybe but when one feels the other is not listening, it may seem like a hopeless task to try to make oneself heard.

[some_username1]

She sounds like a nightmare, emotionally and mentally immature.

 

Sadly this sorry tale is far from unique and sounds like the sort of thing you read about a lot on infidelity forums where the cause of the female cheating is ascribed to the man not listening or paying the right sort of attention when the long suffering husband has shouldered more than his fair share of the emotional and practical weight in the relationship. It seems that once a woman has got it in her mind that she isn't being listened to (no matter how contrived) then it all falls apart. Honestly, threads like these make me glad i'm single- what a rollercoaster.

 

I suspect you are going to try and work it out OP and I don't think that is necessarily the wrong decision, sounds like you will need to invest in a lot of patience and be very aware that if this is how things are after 8 months think of the unhappiness she could bring to you over the course of years due to her inability to maturely deal with things she perceives as slights. She seems to be firecely protective of her 'grudges' given how many pages of this thread it has taken you to pin her down and get her to open up properly about the recent dynamic between you. Imagine dealing with that long term!

 

One last thing: did she mention tiredness at all this time? Was the tiredness her way of avoiding intimacy with you while you were in the dog house for not understanding what the real issue was?

[some_username1]

Maybe but when one feels the other is not listening, it may seem like a hopeless task to try to make oneself heard.

 

So you pursue the alternative which is to stay in the relationship, act like you've got a cob on yet refuse all attempts to explain it-- what purpose can that possibly serve?! It's like winning a tallest dwarf competition!

[Veronica73]

I’m curious what the two instances of you not listening to her were.

[LoverOfDance]

I personally believe that you're just sexually frustrated. Take sex out of the equation of this relationship. Just for a little while and focus on other aspects of the relationship.

 

You are too focused on the physical part of this relationship and i believe that that is your main problem. If you spread your energy properly and work on all areas of your relationship then i believe you can salvage it.

 

Ask her what she wants and simply try your best to give it to her. If you can't do that then sit back and watch your relationship fall apart.

Edited December 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[olivetree]

Maybe but when one feels the other is not listening, it may seem like a hopeless task to try to make oneself heard.

 

I understand the feeling, but if you've given up communicating then you may as well end the relationship.

[Giraffe-A]

This sounds like a marriage already. This is an infatuation. You are leaving a marriage and immidiately jumping into another relationship. You are starved for affection and sex and because this girl gave you thar at the start, you are completely blinded by it. It does seem like it’s over. She has made her priorities straight.

 

Everyone claims to have a high sex drive, but constant sex does get boring after a while.

[BettyDraper]

If your question is for me, then "yes"...

 

Sex is the only reason I date or stay in a relationship. If I've been "cut off" from a woman, I'm moving on. My long term girlfriend and I enjoy other activities, but without sex, she is just a friend. And I have enough friends.

 

Are other aspects of being in a relationship important to you?

[BettyDraper]

TB, I'm glad that you set a boundary with your girlfriend. I don't buy her excuse because you have clearly been very loving and attentive.

Your girlfriend is moving goalposts because she doesn't know what else to say in order to keep you in her life.

 

Do you think that a relationship should be this difficult at 8 months?

[Happy Lemming]

Are other aspects of being in a relationship important to you?

 

Sure, I appreciate my girlfriend's intelligence and her love of reading. We often trade books back and forth.

 

She is a genuinely good person and nice company. We get along great. We travel/adventure well together. She does call me cheap (on a regular basis) and I ignore her. Its almost humorous at this point.

 

I agree with the old adage that there is a lid for every pot.

 

I'd also like to agree with your post that after 8 months, OP's relationship should not be this hard.

[Trail Blazer]

Break up with her. Free her (and yourself) from this misery. After reading this and a couple of your previous threads I would have said the same thing she said, that you either don't listen to her or you just reject what she says and press further because you don't accept her answers. You rejected her saying you don't listen ("I took her to task on her whole mentality"). That relationship sounds draining.

 

You're still married to someone else anyway and you have two kids that could benefit from peace and stability while their parents go through divorce and then settle into new situations. It's a good idea to not date and definitely to not involve your kids in your new relationships for at least a year (probably 2 years) after your divorce is final.

 

If it was really "misery" for her then wouldn't she have already left me? It's not miserable for either of us, despite some challenges. She clearly doesn't WANT to leave. I do not want to, yet! We're not nearly at that point.