Sleep incompatibility

[Happy Lemming]

To Trail Blazer:

 

For what its worth, I think you responded well to your girlfriend's questions regarding finances and jobs. You pointed out some additional "pros" to taking a job with lower pay. In the end, you are paid what your skill set is worth and what the market will bare for that particular skill set. If your gf did not pick a field of study that provided her with a "living wage" that isn't your fault and you shouldn't be "dinged" because she can't earn more money.

 

One day, my girlfriend started complaining to me about her finances. So, I produced a monthly budget spreadsheet and e-mailed it to her. All of her monthly income less all of her monthly expenses and a small amount for a "rainy day" fund. I told her stay the course on this budget and you'll be fine, deviate and you'll go further in debt. Of course, she didn't respond. Each time, she started to complain about money or finances, I re-sent the excel spreadsheet. After 5-6 times of sending it, she no longer brings up her finances to me. In my mind, its fixed and no further discussion is required. I can't control the situation, so I'm not taking ownership of the problem. As you shouldn't have to take ownership of your gf's inability to earn more money.

 

She asked for your opinion, you gave it. She didn't like it, so somehow that is supposed to be your fault. Why?? Unless her goal was to get you to provide funds for the shortfall??

 

For the record, I have a hard and fast rule about lending money to a girlfriend. I never do it. I made that mistake once and have learned from my error. YMMV...

[BettyDraper]

I know I can find someone else. I have no confidence issues in that regard. I had no problem matching on Tinder and Bumble. If I may say so myself, I'm not the worst looking guy going around. I would not have landed my current girlfriend if I was struggling in that dept as she could have her pick of most guys.

 

I'm desperate to find the right person who can match the level of intense love, effort and devotion that I can offer. I got off the swipey date apps because playing the meat market for casual sex wasn't my thing.

 

The problem I have is that I have fallen in love with the person my girlfriend was for the first 8 months. Until I know for sure that she's gone forever, I can't give up hope and have to give it more time. But I am changing my approach to things. I'm no longer allowing my happiness to be held to ransom by her. I'm doing my own thing, being my own man and she'll have to prove to me that she's a good catch and that I don't want to lose her. I'm not trying to prove that to her any more.

 

If you truly love someone, she doesn't need to prove that she is a good catch to you. How on earth could you love someone who isn't a good catch?

You aren't making any sense.

 

I doubt that your girlfriend will magically return to the woman you want her to be given her excuses and unwillingness to communicate with you in an adult manner.

 

Admitting that you're desperate is an excellent first step. Now the task is to find out how that desperation is influencing your decisions.

[BettyDraper]

One day, my girlfriend started complaining to me about her finances. So, I produced a monthly budget spreadsheet and e-mailed it to her. All of her monthly income less all of her monthly expenses and a small amount for a "rainy day" fund. I told her stay the course on this budget and you'll be fine, deviate and you'll go further in debt. Of course, she didn't respond. Each time, she started to complain about money or finances, I re-sent the excel spreadsheet. <SNIP>

 

I never lend money unless I'm fine with never seeing that money again.

 

I'm wondering if TB's girlfriend wants TB to pay her bills....

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Happy Lemming]

I'm wondering if TB's girlfriend wants TB to pay her bills....

 

Great minds think alike... Maybe all of the discourse is caused because TB didn't offer to fund the shortfall or help out on her bills??

 

You know, Betty we may have stumbled upon the "trigger" to cause her change in behavior.

 

Logic may support your theory as this was one of the two major instances she brought up during the latest discussion/talk.

[BettyDraper]

Great minds think alike... Maybe all of the discourse is caused because TB didn't offer to fund the shortfall or help out on her bills??

 

You know, Betty we may have stumbled upon the "trigger" to cause her change in behavior.

 

Logic may support your theory as this was one of the two major instances she brought up during the latest discussion/talk.

 

The main reason why I think that TB's girlfriend wants money is she was the one who brought up moving in together so quickly. She knew that living with TB meant that some of her financial stress would be alleviated. Now that TB's girlfriend has mentioned money more than once, I am almost certain that TB's girlfriend wants to see if he is willing to offer financial support.

 

Financially supporting a boyfriend or girlfriend is fine if both partners agree to that.

However, TB doesn't seem like he wants to provide financial support and he is obviously not obligated to do so.

[Tamfana]

The main reason why I think that TB's girlfriend wants money is she was the one who brought up moving in together so quickly. She knew that living with TB meant that some of her financial stress would be alleviated. Now that TB's girlfriend has mentioned money more than once, I am almost certain that TB's girlfriend wants to see if he is willing to offer financial support.

 

Financially supporting a boyfriend or girlfriend is fine if both partners agree to that.

However, TB doesn't seem like he wants to provide financial support and he is obviously not obligated to do so.

 

In his previous threads he explains that the reason they thought about moving in together was because a family member's tenant was leaving a nice house in January or February and they both thought about it view of that opportunity. Then they talked it through and both agreed not to do it.

[Happy Lemming]

The main reason why I think that TB's girlfriend wants money is she was the one who brought up moving in together so quickly. She knew that living with TB meant that some of her financial stress would be alleviated. Now that TB's girlfriend has mentioned money more than once, I am almost certain that TB's girlfriend wants to see if he is willing to offer financial support.

 

Great observation & use of logic... I hadn't connected those dots.

[BettyDraper]

In his previous threads he explains that the reason they thought about moving in together was because a family member's tenant was leaving a nice house in January or February and they both thought about it view of that opportunity. Then they talked it through and both agreed not to do it.

 

I'm aware of this. I have been closely following TB's story.

 

It would be helpful to look at the possibility of covert intentions.

On the surface it looks like an opportunity came up and TB's girlfriend just wanted to discuss it.

However, that could have been an opportunity to improve her station in life as well....especially since she has since brought up financial issues twice.

[olivetree]

I misunderstood your use of analogies.

I think generally when people are opening up they don't like it if you turn it to you and your similar experience (in this case your mom's).

They want the focus to remain on them and their feelings.

 

So, since you don't plan to give up yet, and her only complaint about you is your ability to listen, then practice just that - active listening and showing empathy.

 

When she is upset, baby your woman.

Make her feel safe and protected.

So when she was talking to you over messenger about how she was struggling, understand that she is being vulnerable.

Empathize with her struggles and tell her you'll cuddle her when you see her (if physical affection is important to her, for example).

 

I think if you hold up your end and you don't see a change in her then maybe you can feel better about ending the relationship if it's still not working.

[elaine567]

I'm aware of this. I have been closely following TB's story.

 

It would be helpful to look at the possibility of covert intentions.

On the surface it looks like an opportunity came up and TB's girlfriend just wanted to discuss it.

However, that could have been an opportunity to improve her station in life as well....especially since she has since brought up financial issues twice.

I would guess there are not many single women with 100% custody of young children who when asked what was worrying them would not bring up the subject of money... it goes with the territory.

[Blanco]

OP, hopefully you are slowly learning two lessons here that many here and elsewhere champion:

 

- Don't date before your divorce is finalized. Or, if you do, don't get seriously involved with someone.

- Don't make life-changing decisions with someone within the first year or so of dating someone.

 

More direct to your situation, it sounds like you two speak different love languages. Being an outside party, I honestly can see how both of you would feel frustrated with the other right now. Neither one of you seems to communicate well with the other. I think part of that stems from the love language element, because both of you are having approaching this in any other way than you'd want to be approached with it.

 

Ultimately, though, it just sounds like you aren't a good match for a long-term relationship. You were coming out of a dead marriage when you met this woman, which is like stumbling upon an all-you-can-eat buffet after going without food for days. I'm sure she has her good qualities and was enjoyable to spend time with. I think, though, that maybe her purpose in your life was to show you that there are other women out there who will find value in you as a partner, not necessarily to be your lifelong companion.

 

I was in a relationship like this and we both kept stubbornly sinking more time and feelings into it, even though there were signs six months in that maybe we weren't a good fit for a long-term relationship. Your mileage will vary, but I can say that for me, things never really got smoother and in the end, it was years of uncertainty and eventually resentment from both parties.

[Trail Blazer]

Op, your communication skills are honestly not the best. Not the best at all.

 

<SNIP>

I empathized the first 4 times and the 5th time I said something different. Seriously, it's like she kept saying the same thing over and over so I'd say something else so she could have a slight with me. If I've already demonstrated many times previous to the last that I understand how hard it has been for her financially, why ignore all of that and sulk the ONE time I said something different?

 

I could have said, "you know what, I got it after the first 4 times you told me... money is an issue to make the point I've gotten it and I've addressed it. I was just trying to bring some positivety into the mix and focus on other aspects as well. It's mutually exclusive to me empathizing with her CORE issue. I really don't understand why what I said was such a big deal.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

With all due respect, you said that when you first started this thread, and then you got desperate for her attention (or answers) and started asking her to talk about all this. And then you let her screw with your head with all of her excuses that you don't even agree with or understand. I suspect that you will have trouble playing it cool with her like you say you will. Do you have a time limit that you've put on this? Like 2 more months, 6 more months, what? I think it's wise to put a time limit on it. I have a friend, I recall when he started complaining about his woman not acting right. It's been 2 years and he's still complaining about the same things.

Oh no, there is a difference. She's not screwing with my head with her answers. Sure, I'm struggling to understand the way she thinks, but I'm uncovering a lot more now that I'm pushing forward to try and fix this relationship and see if we have a future at all.

 

I'm resigned to the fact that we probably don't have a future. I'm no longer devastated about that idea. I'm not talking to her in Messenger at all, unless it's to respond to something she says directly. I am doing my own thing. I'm only focused on spending time together to work through issues. The ball is in her court if she wants to hang out.

 

I can assure you that I'm now past the point of realizing that things are different, that she's different than what I thought she was and have learned a valuable lesson that happiness comes as much from within than from anyone else. I'm starting to learn what I should have been learning post-marriage - to heal and grow organically.

[Trail Blazer]

The reason why you are treating your girlfriend like a wife is you have introduced your children and family into this relationship far too soon. That was a sign of the desperation I keep mentioning. Now you feel that you must stay with your girlfriend because you have invested far too much for this early stage. It's so sad. <SNIP>

 

All valid points and things I'm grappling with in my own head. But the idea of being alone isn't a fear at all. I already feel alone and I've been dealing with it better than I thought. If this relationship ends, I welcome the alone time. It will be less stress when all I have is myself to rely on for happiness.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

To Trail Blazer:

 

For what its worth, I think you responded well to your girlfriend's questions regarding finances and jobs. You pointed out some additional "pros" to taking a job with lower pay. In the end, you are paid what your skill set is worth and what the market will bare for that particular skill set. If your gf did not pick a field of study that provided her with a "living wage" that isn't your fault and you shouldn't be "dinged" because she can't earn more money.

 

<SNIP>

 

Thanks for sharing that. I think you and I communicate in a similar fashion, but clearly many women don't.

 

The thing is, she actually didn't ask for my opinion. That's where she feels aggrieved. Perhaps I gave her one, when really all she wanted was a pillar to emotionally dump on.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

If you truly love someone, she doesn't need to prove that she is a good catch to you. How on earth could you love someone who isn't a good catch?

You aren't making any sense.

 

I doubt that your girlfriend will magically return to the woman you want her to be given her excuses and unwillingness to communicate with you in an adult manner.

 

Admitting that you're desperate is an excellent first step. Now the task is to find out how that desperation is influencing your decisions.

Betty, I stupidly fell in love with the person she isn't! The fun loving, care-free sex kitten who could also provide some emotional support and who really seemed to care about my kids. I fell in love with a persona, potentially...

 

Sure, maybe I should have seen it coming! Maybe I was niave and stupid and in too deep way to soon! Once botten, twice shy... I have learned the hard way!

 

What's the definition of a good catch? I guess if I wanted a trophy wife then she would be it. I actually got everything I wanted with her, the right balance, but that didn't last. She listened to everything I wanted in a relationship, became that almost instantly but perhaps realized herself that being that person wasn't making her happy.

 

I know what I meant and I made perfect sense in my own head. She needs to prove to me why I should keep her in my life. I can't love someone who doesn't bring me happiness. I can't give love and not recieve. If I start receiving love then I can keep giving. If I don't then it has to end, as much as it will hurt to walk away.

[Emilia]

I only read some of the posts OP because it's a long thread now so hopefully I won't say anything out of turn.

 

The thing is, you need to take your time to get to know a person before you get this involved. I'm not sure how long you were married for, people fresh out of long term entanglements tend to want to replicate the experience (without the divorce, obvs) and take a while to remember what it's like to date.

 

To go by the above example: if you want a financially responsible, independent woman, make sure you don't move in with one who isn't that way minded.

 

You need to get to know your next partner better before you commit to her fully. Dating a bit more and taking your time will provide you with the experience.

 

You also need to decided what you want from a partner, make sure you don't end up with a woman similar to your ex wife

 

Good luck.

[Trail Blazer]

I never lend money unless I'm fine with never seeing that money again.

 

I'm wondering if TB's girlfriend wants TB to pay her bills....

 

Perhaps I'm too obtuse to have picked up on the hints that she wants me to pay her bills!?

 

No, that's not it. She's never asked or even hinted. When I've spent money on her in ways other than going on a date, etc, like sourcing something for her, she has always paid me back or offered to pay back.

[Trail Blazer]

The main reason why I think that TB's girlfriend wants money is she was the one who brought up moving in together so quickly. She knew that living with TB meant that some of her financial stress would be alleviated. Now that TB's girlfriend has mentioned money more than once, I am almost certain that TB's girlfriend wants to see if he is willing to offer financial support.

 

Financially supporting a boyfriend or girlfriend is fine if both partners agree to that.

However, TB doesn't seem like he wants to provide financial support and he is obviously not obligated to do so.

 

There's no doubt that if we cohabit she's going to be bettet off financially. Not too a massive degree as I'm not a rich man and I have a lot of financial commitments so my momey is spread in many directions.

 

Where my gf will benefit the most is that I would take over the bill management. She won't need to think about bills, even if the finances aren't that good. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

As I posted above, I have financially supported her only to a very small degree. She's always paid me back or offered to with a couple of times I told her not to worry about it.

 

I very much doubt there is a hidden agenda where she's withholding anything in the relationship because I'm not throwing money at her problems.

[Happy Lemming]

To Trail Blazer,

 

I was re-reading one of your posts about staying with your girlfriend to "save face".

 

Are staying in this "falling apart" relationship with your girlfriend to prove something to your ex-wife.

 

Are you afraid if you break up with your girlfriend it will add validity to your ex-wife's accusations about you?? Are you afraid your ex-wife will say "See I told you so, nobody wants you, you can't get along with anyone, I was right!!"??

[Cersei]

I think you need to let this girl go. It is not working at all. Otherwise you will likely end up like this :

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/672380-marriage-no-sex-decade-end-my-rope

[Trail Blazer]

I think you need to let this girl go. It is not working at all. Otherwise you will likely end up like this :

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/672380-marriage-no-sex-decade-end-my-rope

 

That made for some very uncomfortable reading! ?

[Trail Blazer]

To Trail Blazer,

 

I was re-reading one of your posts about staying with your girlfriend to "save face".

 

Are staying in this "falling apart" relationship with your girlfriend to prove something to your ex-wife.

 

Are you afraid if you break up with your girlfriend it will add validity to your ex-wife's accusations about you?? Are you afraid your ex-wife will say "See I told you so, nobody wants you, you can't get along with anyone, I was right!!"??

 

It's an issue, but not ultimately the reason why I would stay. I was hammered by my ex for years, I'm desensitized to it. When the time comes and the decision is to end this relationship, as frustrating as it will be knowing I will be hammered for "poor decision making" again, it won't stop me from doing what needs ti be done.

So be it.

[Trail Blazer]

My girlfriend is hosting Christmas dinner at her house and she asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I said I wasn't sure... I mean, part of me really wants to, but the other side can't handle the thought of lying next to the woman who makes my heart pound a million miles an hour and whom I can't resist.

 

I'm a little concerned that she has SO much to do and she's wanting me to come over to help her prep or just look after her boy while she gets things done. Of course I'm only to happy to help, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm being used.

 

I've decided to go. It will be convenient to stay as I was going to go over first thing in the morning before heading pff to see my kids.

 

I love this woman. I am so torn. I've never felt this way before about ANYONE!

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!

[Happy Lemming]

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!

 

Merry Christmas to you, as well.

 

I do hope the holidays bring you joy and happiness.