Sleep incompatibility

[goth-gal]

Edit: I responded to your OP, and then realized a lot of things were discussed after that and my initial response didn’t make sense anymore. Will try to read more and be back later.

Edited December 25, 2018 by goth-gal

[BettyDraper]

I hope TB and his girlfriend were able to hash out their difficulties or amicably separate.

[Blanco]

My girlfriend is hosting Christmas dinner at her house and she asked me if I wanted to sleep over. I said I wasn't sure... I mean, part of me really wants to, but the other side can't handle the thought of lying next to the woman who makes my heart pound a million miles an hour and whom I can't resist.

 

I'm a little concerned that she has SO much to do and she's wanting me to come over to help her prep or just look after her boy while she gets things done. Of course I'm only to happy to help, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm being used.

 

I've decided to go. It will be convenient to stay as I was going to go over first thing in the morning before heading pff to see my kids.

 

I love this woman. I am so torn. I've never felt this way before about ANYONE! ��

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!

 

Man, reading this post... I felt that, as the kiddos say. That hot and cold, high and low, should I stay or should I go? Ugh. Alternatively exciting and almost unbearable.

 

I know what it's like to meet someone who just kind of pushes those right buttons. But I also know the downside; that "I've never felt this way about anyone" isn't always a good thing, and not always the best indicator of a healthy, stable relationship.

 

I hope you're able to find some peace in whatever decision you do make. Reading this post, and some others from you, though, I can't help but recall my own situation that was somewhat similar. It's not an enjoyable place to be, and you're never quite at peace with your decision, whichever that may be.

[spiderowl]

As someone who was almost in a relationship where our sleep was mismatched, I totally understand. In my case, he wakes ca 3-4am and is tired by 8pm. I am just waking up and ready to start my evening at 8pm. I decided not to go further with the relationship because I could imagine him rattling around in the early morning, trying not to wake me and feeling impatient that I'm sleeping. In the evening, I would be alone while he slept and he would be upset because I did not want to have sex at teatime instead of nighttime!

 

I need a lot of sleep. If I don't get it, I do burn out. I can understand your girlfriend's point of view. However, I get the feeling that she is gradually withdrawing from this relationship. Maybe she has realised it can't work with such large sleep differences and is opting out but not saying so. I can imagine you sense that is happening.

 

Instead of trying to make this work, maybe you should both take a step back and see how you feel after a couple of weeks of not seeing each other? She would catch up on her sleep (what sleep she can catch up on with a young child) and you would both have time to reflect without pressure.

 

She seems to be responding as if you are pressuring her. I am sure you are not intending to and it is a case of mismatched needs. Sleep patterns are so fundamental and pretty inflexible that it may be the best solution is for you both to find partners that match better in that respect. I certainly didn't even try to give it a go because I knew it would not work.

[chillii]

Can't read all of it but a lot of the first and a few of the latest so just some thoughts on what l saw.

You call her after her sons down or at some of her other quiet times but she's tired so not too much after, let her have a break first though.

Tummy stuff come and goes and put up with early in for awhile but sooner or later she has to be practical again especially to get some sleep.

 

my woman sleeps 10 0r 12 hours l sleep anywhere from 4 to 7 and l often stay up all night, she even has a nap in the afternoon.

non of it's a problem l just attack her or her me at the best times day or night often cuddle her to sleep then l get up.

l wake up early to so l just get up go on the pc or do somem . l just go back for awhile attack her some more later haha , nah l know when she's ahh, well anyway it all works out quite nicely actually because l like some time to myself anyway. l snore too she couldn't sleep at first but like a log now.

 

She doesn't have a young son wearing her out though but she does have tummy and other stuff,but l know my way round them and when to strike.

Apart from all that we also get along really well and just gel in and out of each others times pretty damn nicely these days.

 

l dunno how well you get along or how you truly feel about her but there's probably ways if all that's good.

Good luck with whatever you decide anyway.

Edited December 31, 2018 by chillii

[Trail Blazer]

Man, reading this post... I felt that, as the kiddos say. That hot and cold, high and low, should I stay or should I go? Ugh. Alternatively exciting and almost unbearable.

 

I know what it's like to meet someone who just kind of pushes those right buttons. But I also know the downside; that "I've never felt this way about anyone" isn't always a good thing, and not always the best indicator of a healthy, stable relationship.

 

I hope you're able to find some peace in whatever decision you do make. Reading this post, and some others from you, though, I can't help but recall my own situation that was somewhat similar. It's not an enjoyable place to be, and you're never quite at peace with your decision, whichever that may be.

Christmas Eve was an interesting night. She was up until 2am prepping things. I just sat and watched TV after her boy went to bed. We went to bed at 2.30am. I slept at the other side of the bed, on the edge, as far away from her as I could. We both went to sleep quickly.

 

2 hours later I awoke to realize I was spooning her. It was awful. I had the closest thing to blue balls I've ever had. I knew that if I woke her up she'd be pissed as it was such a big day ahead. But I couldn't let her go and I certainly couldn't go back to sleep in the state I was in.

 

I gently rubbed her tummy, back and her butt and she started slowly twerking and rubbing up against me. Something inside of her piqued, because the next thing she was all over me! Long story short.... we had an incredible 4.30am session. It was amazing. We spooned again and both went back to sleep. Merry Xmas to me!

[Trail Blazer]

I hope TB and his girlfriend were able to hash out their difficulties or amicably separate.

 

We haven't separated at all. Quite the contrary, actually. Whilst we haven't quite had the time or opportunity to really sit down and hash things out, so far things are getting better. I've changed my approach to things a bit, giving her some space and modifying the way in which I communicate with her.

 

Since I've last posted I am more confident than ever that my girlfriend really does have strong feelings for me and wants to be with me.

 

I spent Christmas day with much of her family. Christmas night at her cousin's house. They were such nice, friendly people who've welcomed me into the family with open arms. My girlfriend has been very keen for me to meet her friends and family. If she thought it would end or felt like ending it herself, she wouldn't be that way.

 

It was my birthday just before new year and my girlfriend put in a huge effort for me. She got me some really nice gifts, wrapped them beautifully with a lovely card as well. She baked a cake from scratch at home with my daughter, who helped her decorate it. Even my son has now met her, he just came out of the blue and told me he was ready to meet her on my birthday.

 

We have made love a few times, Xmas, my birthday etc and things are feeling great. I am still cautious about how things might take a dip once more, but my expectations have changed a bit. Nothing wilk come as a shock anymore, so I'll just sit back and take things as they come. I'm in no rush to end the relationship. I want it to succeed so badly. I love this girl.

[Trail Blazer]

my woman sleeps 10 0r 12 hours l sleep anywhere from 4 to 7 and l often stay up all night, she even has a nap in the afternoon.

non of it's a problem l just attack her or her me at the best times day or night often cuddle her to sleep then l get up.

l wake up early to so l just get up go on the pc or do somem . l just go back for awhile attack her some more later haha , nah l know when she's ahh, well anyway it all works out quite nicely actually because l like some time to myself anyway. l snore too she couldn't sleep at first but like a log now. {snip}

It sounds like you've got it all worked out and have your heads around the compromises you have to make for one another. How is your sex life? Is it reasonably healthy? Sex is very important to me, so while I'm preprared to compromise somewhat, to forgo sex beyond a certain threshold would be a deal breaker.

 

I really do love her. I could see myself getting old with this woman. My heart yearns for her. I'm so attracted to her physically and she has such a beautiful, sweet personality. She's a genuine, caring person. We have so much fun hanging out together, going to the theater, eating out. When we chat the time melts away. Things will have to be pretty dire before I pull the pin on this one.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

TB, how did you go from contemplating a break up with your girlfriend to being in love and yearning for her? The switch in your emotions is very swift as well as concerning. Your issues have not disappeared just because you and your girlfriend went out on some dates and had sex a few times. A discussion and compromises need to be made.

 

My impression is that your girlfriend doesn't want you to leave so she is playing the role that you like. What will happen the next time your girlfriend is too tired for sex or she's too busy to go out?

 

It seems like you're in love with the idea of falling in love rather than truly understanding what love is. Because you cannot be alone, you idealize your girlfriend and your relationship by confusing infatuation and sexual satisfaction with love.

[some_username1]

I'd be watching her behaviour like a hawk over Christmas. I suspect she might suddenly rediscover her sex drive around Christmas day as part of the novelty of having a new partner at Christmas...and then she will be back to her old ways with a vengeance after new year.

 

I can see it all coming to conclusion then for OP in early January, he'll have to choose between a sexless relationship or moving on...

 

Well well well....who called it?

 

Seriously OP, I hope it works out for the best for you but I would be very wary going forward. Like the poster above I can't help but feel that this sudden 180 is like re-arranging the deck chairs on the titanic so you can all have a better view of that spectacular iceberg on the horizon. Vulnerable people love being able to have a cuddle over Christmas. Make sure you're not just for Christmas

 

Be careful there also seems an element of sunk cost on your part- you have put so much in already that you are reluctant to walk away from what could yet turn out to be a bad deal should her behaviour switch again post holiday season as I warned about.

 

Good luck to you OP!

[Trail Blazer]

TB, how did you go from contemplating a break up with your girlfriend to being in love and yearning for her? The switch in your emotions is very swift as well as concerning. Your issues have not disappeared just because you and your girlfriend went out on some dates and had sex a few times. A discussion and compromises need to be made.

 

My impression is that your girlfriend doesn't want you to leave so she is playing the role that you like. What will happen the next time your girlfriend is too tired for sex or she's too busy to go out?

 

It seems like you're in love with the idea of falling in love rather than truly understanding what love is. Because you cannot be alone, you idealize your girlfriend and your relationship by confusing infatuation and sexual satisfaction with love.

 

If certain things kept tracking a certain way, I need to be realistic and break up. I do love her, but if I'm not getting out of the relationship what I need, a tough choice has to be made. I'm not at that point now and I'm giving the relationship every chance to work. While she hasn't told me she loves me, I know she has a strong attachment to me. We are like best friends. I'm learning to take things slower and let it blossom.

 

You have made up your mind that I can't be alone. I disagree, but that's okay, I don't have to prove anything. I know that if we break up I won't go looking again for a while. I was looking for.... I don't actually know! But when I found her, I just wanted her! I still want her and I really hope that her and I can work out long term.

 

I have my mom staying over at the moment and the two are getting on like a house on fire. It's great, mom really likes her and I guess she sees how happy I've been over the last year and knows my girlfriend has played a big part in that. We are going on our road trip together in a few day's time, so that will be another experience we can share together and grow with one another. When we get back, we'll work more in our relationship and hopefully come to a compromise on sleep/intimacy et al.

[Trail Blazer]

Well well well....who called it?

 

Seriously OP, I hope it works out for the best for you but I would be very wary going forward. Like the poster above I can't help but feel that this sudden 180 is like re-arranging the deck chairs on the titanic so you can all have a better view of that spectacular iceberg on the horizon. Vulnerable people love being able to have a cuddle over Christmas. Make sure you're not just for Christmas

 

Be careful there also seems an element of sunk cost on your part- you have put so much in already that you are reluctant to walk away from what could yet turn out to be a bad deal should her behaviour switch again post holiday season as I warned about.

 

Good luck to you OP!

 

Your second paragraph is a good point. I have put so much into it that it would be a shame to walk away. The difference is, I'm now wary and won't put the same amount of effort, only commensurate effort that comes my way. If we both build over time and it gets better and better, great. If not, then I know it wasn't meant to be. I will know when it's time to walk and I will if it comes to that.

[BettyDraper]

It sounds like you've got it all worked out and have your heads around the compromises you have to make for one another. How is your sex life? Is it reasonably healthy? Sex is very important to me, so while I'm preprared to compromise somewhat, to forgo sex beyond a certain threshold would be a deal breaker.

 

I really do love her. I could see myself getting old with this woman. My heart yearns for her. I'm so attracted to her physically and she has such a beautiful, sweet personality. She's a genuine, caring person. We have so much fun hanging out together, going to the theater, eating out. When we chat the time melts away. Things will have to be pretty dire before I pull the pin on this one.

 

If certain things kept tracking a certain way, I need to be realistic and break up. I do love her, but if I'm not getting out of the relationship what I need, a tough choice has to be made. I'm not at that point now and I'm giving the relationship every chance to work. While she hasn't told me she loves me, I know she has a strong attachment to me. We are like best friends. I'm learning to take things slower and let it blossom.

 

You have made up your mind that I can't be alone. I disagree, but that's okay, I don't have to prove anything. I know that if we break up I won't go looking again for a while. I was looking for.... I don't actually know! But when I found her, I just wanted her! I still want her and I really hope that her and I can work out long term.

 

I have my mom staying over at the moment and the two are getting on like a house on fire. It's great, mom really likes her and I guess she sees how happy I've been over the last year and knows my girlfriend has played a big part in that. We are going on our road trip together in a few day's time, so that will be another experience we can share together and grow with one another. When we get back, we'll work more in our relationship and hopefully come to a compromise on sleep/intimacy et al.

 

The bolded statements are in direct contradiction with each other. Taking it slow and being cautious does not involve wanting to grow old with a woman who hasn't even said that she loves you yet. The great sex probably flooded your brain with bonding chemicals.

 

If you badly need the relationship to work out, then you could end up tolerating unacceptable behavior every time your girlfriend throws you a bone. Being overly invested in a relationship where you are the partner who loves and gives more is a precarious position to be in.

 

I'm happy that your mother gets along with your girlfriend.

I can only hope that your relationship will ultimately be successful since your families are already deeply involved.

 

Travelling together is a great test for a relationship. Let's see how well the trip goes. I hope it will be an enjoyable experience for both of you.

[Trail Blazer]

The bolded statements are in direct contradiction with each other. Taking it slow and being cautious does not involve wanting to grow old with a woman who hasn't even said that she loves you yet. The great sex probably flooded your brain with bonding chemicals.

 

If you badly need the relationship to work out, then you could end up tolerating unacceptable behavior every time your girlfriend throws you a bone. Being overly invested in a relationship where you are the partner who loves and gives more is a precarious position to be in.

 

I'm happy that your mother gets along with your girlfriend.

I can only hope that your relationship will ultimately be successful since your families are already deeply involved.

 

Travelling together is a great test for a relationship. Let's see how well the trip goes. I hope it will be an enjoyable experience for both of you.

I can't turn my emotions off like a tap. But I can regulate my emotions by suppressing my actions and not letting my actions be guided by them. I don't need the relationship to work, but I really do want it to work. I have accepted that it might not. So, while it would hurt, I am a realist.

 

I know what I need to do. I know that I can't let what I want and how I feel cloud reality. Yes, I want it to all work out, but I do not know if it will. I'm very skeptical now. We need time, a lot of time and to take things slow. I need to see progression from her end before I can truly allow myself to commit any further. I need to know whether she loves me as a lover and wants me to be her life partner. If it isn't that then we're both wasting our time.

 

Stating my gut feelings, I feel as though she loves and trusts me as a best friend. I feel as though I tick so many boxes for her in so many ways. But, and it's just a gut feel, she doesn't truly love me in the sense that all the sparks and chemistry sends her into overload.

 

I'm willing to give her and our relationship time. She told me early on that she has built a lot of walls based on the hurt she's had inflicted upon her in the past. She also didn't have a very good example of a healthy relationship set by her parents. Her mom is emotionally absent and her dad is a workaholic with an extremely short fuse. I'm not making excuses, but I believe these can be factors.

 

As for the road trip, we've already done a road trip together previously. Back in July, we drove to my mom's in Idaho. We will be doing the same trip again. It won't be much of a test. We'll both sing out loud to random, cheesy '80s/'90s tracks that Spotify spits out. It will be great. The true test is whether we can eventually cohabit. However, it'll be more about whether she really, truly wants that than whether it's viable.

 

Only time will tell.

[Interstellar]

Op, your interest level is too high. You should’ve backed away when your gut senses that her interest is taking a dip. Start cutting down the number of times you see her, slowly back away and give her space and all the space that she needs, and don’t text or call her either.

[BettyDraper]

<snip>

 

Stating my gut feelings, I feel as though she loves and trusts me as a best friend. I feel as though I tick so many boxes for her in so many ways. But, and it's just a gut feel, she doesn't truly love me in the sense that all the sparks and chemistry sends her into overload.

 

I'm willing to give her and our relationship time. She told me early on that she has built a lot of walls based on the hurt she's had inflicted upon her in the past. She also didn't have a very good example of a healthy relationship set by her parents. Her mom is emotionally absent and her dad is a workaholic with an extremely short fuse. I'm not making excuses, but I believe these can be factors.

<snip>

 

I feel that chemistry is an important part of new love. Being a best friend is an important part of a happy relationship but romantic relationships need the spark to be successful.

 

It's far too early to be thinking about finding a new life partner, TB. I don't understand your need to rush into permanent life altering decisions with your girlfriend. You just ended an unhappy marriage after all. It doesn't seem like you actually want to give your relationship time. Even if your girlfriend didn't have certain issues from past relationships and her parents' marriage, you are moving way too quickly and any woman would be concerned about that. Generally, it's a red flag when a man starts talking about growing old together after a very short time in a relationship.

 

Finalize your divorce, spend at least 18 months with your girlfriend, and then think about the future with her. There are children involved who would be very hurt in the event that your new relationship fell apart.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[BettyDraper]

Hey TB....hope everything is going well with your new girlfriend.