Sleep incompatibility

[Trail Blazer]

I'd be watching her behaviour like a hawk over Christmas. I suspect she might suddenly rediscover her sex drive around Christmas day as part of the novelty of having a new partner at Christmas...and then she will be back to her old ways with a vengeance after new year.

 

I can see it all coming to conclusion then for OP in early January, he'll have to choose between a sexless relationship or moving on...

 

I actually doubt she will rediscover her sex drive at all around that time. She's been stressed about Christmas, stressed about the financial implication of it and stressed about hosting it this year for her family.

 

When we get back from our road trip to Idaho, if nothing has changed by then, some serious decusions will have to be made. I won't be making any ultimatums, I'll simply say it like it is and what will be will be.

[Trail Blazer]

I note you say she always initiated until recently and then you voiced your "complaint", maybe she is a bit fed up initiating, maybe she was expecting you to take the lead for a change and all she got was you "complaining" about her not initiating...

Just a thought.

 

I can assure you that's not it at all. When she initiated it, it was more than we were heading down that path and she pounced without wasting time. Without getting too graphic, there's a big difference between a period of 6 months where we'd spoon, cuddle in bed, sleep legs intertwined where everything would just happen, to the last 5 or so weeks where she'd obviously need her space, ignore me and jump on facebook or watch TV.

 

I'll give you an example. We'd spoon in bed, most times she'd put my hand in her boob or she'd put her hand behind her and stroke me. This would happen nost of the time. Then, one day 5 weeks ago, nothing. I tried to get her in the mood by putting my hand on her boob, I got nothing. Then, I said to her "oh, you're still awake" as I genuinely wasn't sure. She kind of snapped back saying "how can I sleep with you doing that?"

 

I was taken aback as I just didn't anticipate the change in mood. It's been like that since. We've had sex one time since then, when I had to ask. It wad also the only time in the last 5 weeks I'd stayed there, other than last weekend. I only stayed the night because I came home latish from work and spent time replacing and wiring up her fish tank lights. So yeah, it was so sudden and I didn't anticipate it.

[elaine567]

the last 5 or so weeks where she'd obviously need her space, ignore me and jump on facebook or watch TV.

 

OK so what was actually happening in your relationship 5 or so weeks ago?

[losangelena]

Why? Because it was her suggestion and something which I was keen to see whether she'd take ownership of or not. I'm the one who has had to initiate everything. I'm trying to back off and let her do things of her own volition.

 

Yes, but if it bothers you enough to get upset at it, I think you owe it to her to SAY something, not just sit in silence. She cannot read your mind. IF she knows that you need her to initiate, maybe she would, instead of you just silently seething at her because she’s not doing what you want her to do. To me, it seems like a more productive way to deal with it to have a talk around expectations instead of testing her.

[Trail Blazer]

OK so what was actually happening in your relationship 5 or so weeks ago?

 

What do you mean? I'm not really sure how to answer that?

[BettyDraper]

Now that you are experiencing a challenge which could potentially end your relationship, I feel very sad that the children on both sides were involved far too quickly. If your relationship has to end, the children on both sides will be adversely effected. There is a reason why you move so quickly in relationships and it is probably an unhealthy behavior.

 

I feel sympathy for your girlfriend because she is a single mom and I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her. Single parents who have full custody are often stretched thin and their other relationships suffer because single parents are so busy. Your girlfriend is expecting you to understand her priorities which include a need for sleep so that she can be present for her son. Her son comes before her relationship with you.

 

On the other hand, I also believe that there is a bait and switch occurring in your situation. In order to get you to commit and stay with her, your girlfriend presented herself as a fun loving woman who loved to have sex no matter how tired she was. She pretended in order to keep you hooked. There was some manipulation involved; your girlfriend saw that you were a good catch so she pulled out all of the stops. Your girlfriend also tried to lock you down as soon as possible by bringing up the possibility of moving in together so soon.

 

Your girlfriend can choose to put her son and her need for rest at the top of her list just as you are free to prioritize sex and having fun. Neither of you are wrong. Ultimately, you will have to decide if your relationship can withstand this change or if it needs to end. I feel that both of you can compromise and reach a happy medium.

[BettyDraper]

If her sleep schedule being messed up is killing her then all you can do is let her do the adjusting and go along with it.

It seems to me however that there is more going on, it seems to be going south and she is pulling back.. maybe looking to recreate some interest.

 

On another note... You are still married, going thru a divorce.. still having a wife and being 6-7 months in a new relationship seems like you move pretty fast.. maybe she senses this and is slowing you down..

 

You aren't even out of one commitment and you are looking to jump into another so fast, that long text or slab of text and her reaction to it tells me she thinks you are moving too fast.

 

I think you need to work on slowing down some, put less work on getting sex and more work on building a friendship with her and her Son.

 

I disagree because TB's girlfriend wanted to move in with him. They were talking about the possibility of having another child and marriage.

Those aren't the actions of someone who thinks that their partner is moving too quickly.

 

I agree that TB has moved on and involved his children in his new relationship far too quickly. Unfortunately, there's nothing that can be done about that now.

[BettyDraper]

I guess they were faking it, but that is another story.

 

Whether the quickie would or would not bring her to orgasm is kind of moot, as she did not see the benefit to her of any sexual activity whatsoever, preferring to scroll through FB.

 

I have PIV orgasms.

I'm sure that I cannot be the only woman who experiences this either.

[elaine567]

What do you mean? I'm not really sure how to answer that?

I mean was everything going great or had you had a fight, a disagreement, a difference of opinion, did she appear distant, were you busier than usual, did something happen to her child maybe... etc.

I mean did something happen that may have made her annoyed or upset and thus made her lose that connection with you and put her off sex..

[Trail Blazer]

Yes, but if it bothers you enough to get upset at it, I think you owe it to her to SAY something, not just sit in silence. She cannot read your mind. IF she knows that you need her to initiate, maybe she would, instead of you just silently seething at her because she’s not doing what you want her to do. To me, it seems like a more productive way to deal with it to have a talk around expectations instead of testing her.

I see what you're saying. I think you could have it a bit each way. I guess I did initiate in the end, when it was too late. The timing didn't seem right any sooner. We were watching a movie and she wasn't sitting on the couch in any position which allowed for snuggling or any physical affection to naturally follow. What I do know is that I need to talk to her and communicate where I'm at with it all. It's the only way for things to potentially change.

[Trail Blazer]

I mean was everything going great or had you had a fight, a disagreement, a difference of opinion, did she appear distant, were you busier than usual, did something happen to her child maybe... etc.

I mean did something happen that may have made her annoyed or upset and thus made her lose that connection with you and put her off sex..

 

I have absolutely no idea what has caused this change. I have been racking my brains trying to figure out what's going on. I could have just missed a bunch of vital clues, who knows? But, as I've said in the OP, we actually have communicated to some degree about this and all I've got is that she's too exhausted to keep up with me and is backing off to reset. Am I supposed to take this explanation at face value, or does this not wash and warrants me to delve deeper? I know what my gut tells me, and that is the latter.

[Happy Lemming]

Yes, my daughter is attached to her and she loves playing with my girlfriend's son.

I am having Christmas lunch at her place with her family. I will be having my kids for dinner. NYE we've planned to watch the local fireworks display and early 2019 we're going to my home state of Idaho for a week. I'm not throwing all of those plans in the trash which affects many others, including the kids. I'm happy to give it a month and try to work on things in that time.

 

I commend you for putting your daughter's and others' wants above your own.

 

I wouldn't make any future plans past these, though.

[BettyDraper]

I have absolutely no idea what has caused this change. I have been racking my brains trying to figure out what's going on. I could have just missed a bunch of vital clues, who knows? But, as I've said in the OP, we actually have communicated to some degree about this and all I've got is that she's too exhausted to keep up with me and is backing off to reset. Am I supposed to take this explanation at face value, or does this not wash and warrants me to delve deeper? I know what my gut tells me, and that is the latter.

 

What does your gut tell you about the reasons for the change in your girlfriend's behavior?

[Trail Blazer]

Now that you are experiencing a challenge which could potentially end your relationship, I feel very sad that the children on both sides were involved far too quickly. If your relationship has to end, the children on both sides will be adversely effected. There is a reason why you move so quickly in relationships and it is probably an unhealthy behavior.

 

I feel sympathy for your girlfriend because she is a single mom and I can't imagine how difficult that must be for her. Single parents who have full custody are often stretched thin and their other relationships suffer because single parents are so busy. Your girlfriend is expecting you to understand her priorities which include a need for sleep so that she can be present for her son. Her son comes before her relationship with you.

 

On the other hand, I also believe that there is a bait and switch occurring in your situation. In order to get you to commit and stay with her, your girlfriend presented herself as a fun loving woman who loved to have sex no matter how tired she was. She pretended in order to keep you hooked. There was some manipulation involved; your girlfriend saw that you were a good catch so she pulled out all of the stops. Your girlfriend also tried to lock you down as soon as possible by bringing up the possibility of moving in together so soon.

 

Your girlfriend can choose to put her son and her need for rest at the top of her list just as you are free to prioritize sex and having fun. Neither of you are wrong. Ultimately, you will have to decide if your relationship can withstand this change or if it needs to end. I feel that both of you can compromise and reach a happy medium.

 

As per the first paragraph, I got that lecture from the ex. I took a risk, thought I'd found the perfect girl, backed myself and had a battle with the ex until she's finally come around. If the pin gets pulled now that the kids have met, and my daughter has met and become attached to my girlfriend, I won't hear the end of it for a long time. Rightly so, too, perhaps... depending on the effects it has on my daighter. Hopefully it DOESN'T come to that though!

 

What I find frustrating is that as a single mom, I get how precious her time is. I totally respect the fact her child comes first. I have been nothing but accommodating to whatever she's needed to do with her child. I have done everything in my power to compliment her current life dynamic. I've embraced her son, I've spent money taking them out to do stuff. I've left no stone unturned in trying my best for both of them. I believe I've supported her in so many ways to enable her to be a better parent and free up time in the process for US. At least that has been my objective.

 

I'm worried about this being a bait and switch. I felt obligated to introduce my daughter to her because I'd already known her son for so long as there was simply no other choice at her end having 100 percent custody of her child.

 

We need to have a chat and work out where we both stand with things. I know I can't keep going on feeling like I'm getting little back, but putting massive amounts of effort in. I don't bend over backwards to help her just put of the goodness of my heart. I would do everything I could for her, so long as I'm having my basic needs fulfilled. I don't think I'm asking for too much in return for the effort I have and am willing to continue to put in moving forward.

Edited December 12, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

I commend you for putting your daughter's and others' wants above your own.

 

I wouldn't make any future plans past these, though.

 

Thanks man, but I don't necessarily feel like I've put my daughter's best interest above my own. If this relationship falls through, then I've put mine before her's. It will make it harder to walk knowing that I've made a grave miscalculation.

[Trail Blazer]

What does your gut tell you about the reasons for the change in your girlfriend's behavior?

 

A number of potential things. She's no longer attracted to me, she's getting cold feet and worried that I've got ab ulterior motive and manipulating her, I've played my hand too early with regards to falling in love with her and now she's bored, I'm not nearly as good in bed as she's told me I am. It really could be anything, but nothing I can put my finger on exactly.

[Andy_K]

I had a similar situation once. Girl was crazy about sex and super enthusiastic, then immediately after we agreed to be bf/gf it dropped off to a much lower rate, and never recovered. No matter what I did to help there was always a 'reason', but having experienced girlfriends who were just as keen as me, I decided that life wasn't for me.

 

This will not fix itself. Not in the long term. Once it becomes obvious this is the new normal rather than a temporary issue, move on.

[losangelena]

I had a similar situation once. Girl was crazy about sex and super enthusiastic, then immediately after we agreed to be bf/gf it dropped off to a much lower rate, and never recovered. No matter what I did to help there was always a 'reason', but having experienced girlfriends who were just as keen as me, I decided that life wasn't for me.

 

This will not fix itself. Not in the long term. Once it becomes obvious this is the new normal rather than a temporary issue, move on.

 

Wow, I never realized this was a thing! This boggles my mind—I love sex! And when my old bf and I were together, we had sex at least once a day on the days we saw each other, oftentimes more, like on weekends. That anyone of any gender would pull such a cruel rug from under their partner, it’s really disheartening.

[elaine567]

What about the situation with the house a few weeks ago?

Your relationship took a bit of a backward step there, you both were all gung-ho and going to move in together and though I think it was correct to reassess and pull back in the circumstances, your divorce, your son - she may not have liked that in reality.

Just a thought.

[some_username1]

Wow, I never realized this was a thing! This boggles my mind—I love sex! And when my old bf and I were together, we had sex at least once a day on the days we saw each other, oftentimes more, like on weekends. That anyone of any gender would pull such a cruel rug from under their partner, it’s really disheartening.

 

With respect you must have been living under a rock because this is one of the oldest tropes around- the hard done by husband/boyfriend (can be female but not often) who has been lured into commitment by a mischievous woman who dangles sex like a carrot then turns off the tap as soon as the man is emotionally/financially entangled.

 

For me personally I would be wary of any woman with young kids as, from what I have read and observed, their sex drive typically nose dives through child birth and having to be a mother to an infant/pre-teen. A friend of mine is in a sexless marriage and another friend has just escaped one. It seems they have both taken a lack of sex as a rejection of their manhood and it can reduce a man to feeling like half a person. There are no easy answers either. The women are (rightly) under no obligation to have sex and some particularly cruel/cunning women enjoy being in a position where their needs are being met by a cuddle now and then whilst the man needs the actual act of sex.

[BettyDraper]

As per the first paragraph, I got that lecture from the ex. I took a risk, thought I'd found the perfect girl, backed myself and had a battle with the ex until she's finally come around. If the pin gets pulled now that the kids have met, and my daughter has met and become attached to my girlfriend, I won't hear the end of it for a long time. Rightly so, too, perhaps... depending on the effects it has on my daighter. Hopefully it DOESN'T come to that though!

 

What I find frustrating is that as a single mom, I get how precious her time is. I totally respect the fact her child comes first. I have been nothing but accommodating to whatever she's needed to do with her child. I have done everything in my power to compliment her current life dynamic. I've embraced her son, I've spent money taking them out to do stuff. I've left no stone unturned in trying my best for both of them. I believe I've supported her in so many ways to enable her to be a better parent and free up time in the process for US. At least that has been my objective.

 

I'm worried about this being a bait and switch. I felt obligated to introduce my daughter to her because I'd already known her son for so long as there was simply no other choice at her end having 100 percent custody of her child.

 

We need to have a chat and work out where we both stand with things. I know I can't keep going on feeling like I'm getting little back, but putting massive amounts of effort in. I don't bend over backwards to help her just put of the goodness of my heart. I would do everything I could for her, so long as I'm having my basic needs fulfilled. I don't think I'm asking for too much in return for the effort I have and am willing to continue to put in moving forward.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being wonderful to a woman you love. It's very sweet. However, you barely knew your girlfriend before you were declaring that you're in love and acting like a husband when you weren't even dating for a year. I believe that therapy is in order so that you can look at your desperation and inability to be alone.

 

I agree with another poster that your girlfriend may have taken your refusal to move in with her as a personal slight. Perhaps your girlfriend felt that you were ready to commit to her on a deeper level because of your actions. She may be feeling misled and disillusioned.

 

You are not asking for too much but you are doing far too much for your girlfriend. Perhaps she's losing respect for you because of that. Introducing a potential partner to your children should never be done out of obligation and I wonder why your girlfriend didn't take her time with introducing you to her son. You could have been a pedophile! I know you're not a pedo TB....just making a point. Parents need to be VERY careful about involving brand new partners in their children's lives for more reasons than one.

 

Take a step back from the relationship. Stop falling all over yourself to be there for your girlfriend and tell her that you are thinking of leaving because you're not happy. How she responds to that will tell you all that you need to know. Just be honest. Maybe you're too afraid to do this because your children are involved but that is not a good reason to stay in a relationship which is not working. Be much more careful about involving children in relationships next time.

[Trail Blazer]

I had a similar situation once. Girl was crazy about sex and super enthusiastic, then immediately after we agreed to be bf/gf it dropped off to a much lower rate, and never recovered. No matter what I did to help there was always a 'reason', but having experienced girlfriends who were just as keen as me, I decided that life wasn't for me.

 

This will not fix itself. Not in the long term. Once it becomes obvious this is the new normal rather than a temporary issue, move on.

That's not really what I wanted to hear, but unfortunately it feels like it could be more than temporary.

[Trail Blazer]

What about the situation with the house a few weeks ago?

Your relationship took a bit of a backward step there, you both were all gung-ho and going to move in together and though I think it was correct to reassess and pull back in the circumstances, your divorce, your son - she may not have liked that in reality.

Just a thought.

That decision was as much down to her as it was me.

[losangelena]

With respect you must have been living under a rock because this is one of the oldest tropes around- the hard done by husband/boyfriend (can be female but not often) who has been lured into commitment by a mischievous woman who dangles sex like a carrot then turns off the tap as soon as the man is emotionally/financially entangled.

 

I love how you translate someone’s different life experience so eloquently into “living under a rock.” I’m a sex-positive woman who exclusively dates men—why should I be expected to know this?

[Trail Blazer]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being wonderful to a woman you love. It's very sweet. However, you barely knew your girlfriend before you were declaring that you're in love and acting like a husband when you weren't even dating for a year. I believe that therapy is in order so that you can look at your desperation and inability to be alone.

 

I agree with another poster that your girlfriend may have taken your refusal to move in with her as a personal slight. Perhaps your girlfriend felt that you were ready to commit to her on a deeper level because of your actions. She may be feeling misled and disillusioned.

 

You are not asking for too much but you are doing far too much for your girlfriend. Perhaps she's losing respect for you because of that. Introducing a potential partner to your children should never be done out of obligation and I wonder why your girlfriend didn't take her time with introducing you to her son. You could have been a pedophile! I know you're not a pedo TB....just making a point. Parents need to be VERY careful about involving brand new partners in their children's lives for more reasons than one.

 

Take a step back from the relationship. Stop falling all over yourself to be there for your girlfriend and tell her that you are thinking of leaving because you're not happy. How she responds to that will tell you all that you need to know. Just be honest. Maybe you're too afraid to do this because your children are involved but that is not a good reason to stay in a relationship which is not working. Be much more careful about involving children in relationships next time.

 

The best therapy is a metaphorical smack in the face by reality. Regardless of what happens from here, I got in too deep too quickly. I realize this now! After years of enduring a miserable and lonely marriage, along comes this gorgeous girl my own age who I seemingly clicked with like nothing else before. I went out looking and when she fell into my lap, I got carried away and swept up by it all.

 

Us not moving in together was at least 50/50 each way. I'd notoced this decline before then anyway. I was a little confused aboit what was going on, but something inside me told me that something wasn't right. Despite all of that, I'd made my mind up that logically it was too soon anyway. As it turns out, she'd already signed her lease extension papers before telling me anyway. I brought up the impending decision we needed to make and after she told me what she'd done, I said, "that was probably for the best anyway, don't you think?" She agreed, and that was that.

 

From what I know she had dated a few a-holes before me. I was apparently "different" to those guys and I'd apparently "smashed down her emotional walls" in the early stages. Maybe she doesn't know how to handle someone appropriately who treats her right if she's conditioned to being treated like junk. Or maybe it's all just BS and I've been had from the beginning? How can we ever know if what we're being told is true or not? It took me years to figure out that my ex was also manipulative and in some cases just an outright liar. I thought I picked more wisely this time.

 

As for her introducing her child to me "so early." She had little choice. She has no family around to babysit. Her neighbor babysat her son on our first date. A lovely young woman in her late 20s who's a nurse, but someone who works very odd hours and can't exactly babysit at will. We did wait a month from our first date before I met her son. Of course, I could have been a monster as they are out there, but those sorts of monsters could patiently wait however long they needed I guess. At some point, whether it be 1 month, 6 months or a year, I'm not sure when there's an acceptable time to weed out that potential.

 

I am taking a step back from the relationship. We need to have a talk. I guess if she knows how I truly feel, seeing how she reacts to that will tell me a bit about how to proceed from there. If she doesn't take it well and gets hostile, I might have my answer. If she gets a wake up call and changes, it will be welcomed but I will proceed with caution.

Edited December 12, 2018 by Trail Blazer