Sleep incompatibility

[BettyDraper]

The best therapy is a metaphorical smack in the face by reality. Regardless of what happens from here, I got in too deep too quickly. I realize this now! After years of enduring a miserable and lonely marriage, along comes this gorgeous girl my own age who I seemingly clicked with like nothing else before. I went out looking and when she fell into my lap, I got carried away and swept up by it all.

 

<SNIP>

 

I'm glad that you realize how moving too quickly can become problematic.

At the same time, I wonder why you became defensive when your relationship development speed was commented on before.

 

I didn't know that you noticed the decline before the moving in situation. If that is the case, then it's obvious that declining to move in is not the reason. My assumption was incorrect.

 

It seems like your girlfriend has psychological issues and I say this because she kept choosing jerks. It's a red flag when people have nothing positive to say about any of their exes....especially if the ex is the parent of their child. I think that your ability to choose wisely was clouded by the grief of your divorce and also desperation. This is very common so try not to be too hard on yourself. The problem with rebounds is they often do not work out and when that happens, the person who is rebounding has to grieve two heartbreaks.

 

Your girlfriend could have simply waited until she had a babysitter to watch her son. That would have been a wise decision instead of introducing an acquaintance to her child. If she introduced you to her son so fast, I wonder how many other men have met her little boy. It seems like your girlfriend has difficulty making good decisions and she's very impulsive.

Edited December 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Trail Blazer]

I'm glad that you realize how moving too quickly can become problematic.

At the same time, I wonder why you became defensive when your relationship development speed was commented on before.

 

I didn't know that you noticed the decline before the moving in situation. If that is the case, then it's obvious that declining to move in is not the reason. My assumption was incorrect.

 

It seems like your girlfriend has psychological issues and I say this because she kept choosing jerks. It's a red flag when people have nothing positive to say about any of their exes....especially if the ex is the parent of their child. I think that your ability to choose wisely was clouded by the grief of your divorce and also desperation. This is very common so try not to be too hard on yourself. The problem with rebounds is they often do not work out and when that happens, the person who is rebounding has to grieve two heartbreaks.

 

Your girlfriend could have simply waited until she had a babysitter to watch her son. That would have been a wise decision instead of introducing an acquaintance to her child. If she introduced you to her son so fast, I wonder how many other men have met her little boy. It seems like your girlfriend has difficulty making good decisions and she's very impulsive.

 

The only other man who has met her son was her previous boyfriend she dated some time between early 2015 and mid 2016. He also from what she said wasn't too bad a guy. She broke it off because he was irresppnsible with money and a bit immature over all.

 

I don't necessarily believe she's impulsive. She's waited at least a year between every new relationship. I guess from my perspective she's a lot less impulsive than I! She's always looked for love, never flings, and did her best to pick wisely.

 

To be honest, I joined Tinder looking for anything but love, then didn't love what I found. I checked out a proper dating site and reached out only to the girls I thought seemed out of my league. When she responded, I made sure she ticked all the boxes in other ways before proceeding.

 

I couldn't really do anything different next time other than not doing it at all. Perhaps that's the wisest and most obvious choice. Still, I'm determined to work through this rut and come out the other side as a better, stronger couple. The ball will be placed firmly in her court though. There's only so much control I have over the outcome.

[Veronica73]

This whole bait and switch thing happens with men too. I had one guy I dated stop being sexual with me once I signed a lease and moved in with him.

 

Also, my ex-husband was an amazingly romantic and attentive boyfriend. Just as an example, but this isn’t the only example with him by any means, when we were dating and engaged, every Friday he either brought me a few flowers, or he brought me a nice candy bar. Once we got married, that COMPLETELY stopped. A lot of those sweet romantic gestures he made got thrown out the window. He even asked me if he had to open my car door for me anymore, which he had always done. I told him I’d prefer that he did, and he did it, but it kind of sucked to know that he was just doing it to “catch” me and didn’t want to treat me that way anymore once he knew I was a sure thing.

[Happy Lemming]

The only other man who has met her son was her previous boyfriend she dated some time between early 2015 and mid 2016. He also from what she said wasn't too bad a guy. She broke it off because he was irresppnsible with money and a bit immature over all.

 

Or did he break it off because he wasn't getting sex??

 

It would be great to hear his side of the story...

[Veronica73]

And as far as the chocolate gifts stopping... I’m just going to say this because I know somebody will say it and I have a pretty good idea who... I didn’t gain weight or get fat.

[Trail Blazer]

Or did he break it off because he wasn't getting sex??

 

It would be great to hear his side of the story...

 

If he broke it off for any reason, it's kind of irrelevant at that point. It means that she outright lied to me. We can only ever hope that the person we're dating is somewhat truthful.

[Trail Blazer]

Last night I attempted "the chat." It didn't work out so well. I'll try to keep it brief. So, long story short I told her some of my concerns over a phone conversation (sex was NOT even brought up as one of them) and she more or less froze up. She'd say the same stuff about how sleep affects her, she can't think straight etc. When it came time to answer she got quite defensive, saying I'm putting too much pressure on her, saying she's had so many other things going on and the like.

 

You know, I felt like telling her some real home truths, for instance that stress, Christmas and the like isn't exclusive to just her. It was frustrating, but in reality it would get me nowhere.

 

I told her that we need to talk again another time as these long uncomfortable pauses are a barrier to our dialogue and the feeling of discomfort is palpable. She agreed, so we hung up. I sent her a message straight after, saying that communicating through Messenger might be a better bet after all, so long as it's done in real time and not with large slabs of text sent through while she's asleep. I assured her that I wouldn't do that.

 

We communicated more, but similarly frustrating things were coming from her. I was more blunt through text, telling her that I can feel "the drift" happening and that I'm trying my best to arrest it. She replied saying, "spending time should come naturally and not require so much work. But it just doesn't come naturally." She went on to say, "perhaps I'm just not and can't be what you need."

 

I told her that I've made every effort for us to spend time together but maybe that's worked against me. I asked her to elaborate on why she thinks spending time together does not come naturally and what she thinks the barriers are. She again stated the sleep needs being different, and cited the time being 11.30pm when we were having a conversation which she was feeling very pressured to be involved in when she should be winding down, and that the flow on effects will mean she needs more sleep the next night et al.

 

I left her a final message telling her that I'm leaving the ball in her court. Just to back track for a second - I'd told her a couple of weeks ago for the first time that I loved her. I really meant it, I've fallen for her in a big way. So tonight I reiterated that, but made mention that she needs to figure out whether she actually wants to be loved by me. I left it there.

 

My view is that we're as good as done. I think the sleep issue is a smokescreen. She's gotten cold feet and is pushing me away. Either that, or she's got some serious health problems going on and she's pretty much permanently dysfunctional. But the way she goes on about it, it's like there's NOTHING wrong with her and I'm the freak who only needs 5 hours sleep.

 

I'm a very calm and methodical person. I'm not reactive. I critically think everything and don't get overly emotional. Impulsivity is different though. I f@#ked up big time jumping into this so soon. And now I've involved my daughter. I feel as though the only way to salvage anything if it doesn't work out is to try and remain friends? I'm not sure what to think right now. But I've got to dust myself off, get myself up and motivated for another day at the grind. These bills don't pay themselves!!!

Edited December 14, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[elaine567]

The "chat" IMO should have been carried out in person, face to face, not over the phone or via Messenger...

[Trail Blazer]

The "chat" IMO should have been carried out in person, face to face, not over the phone or via Messenger...

 

You don't understand. It's been so hard for me to chat to her in person. After her kid is in bed she's too tired. She already felt too pressured on the phone. In person she might have had a meltdown. I can't sit around waiting forever for the perfect time to do everything.

[elaine567]

I just read that she lost her grandmother who she was very close to in October, could she just be bereaved?

 

 

See https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/669868-apathy-physical-weakness-after-loss

[Trail Blazer]

I just read that she lost her grandmother who she was very close to in October, could she just be bereaved?

 

 

See https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/669868-apathy-physical-weakness-after-loss

 

I don't think that explains everything. But I have definitely factored it into the equation.

[Wallysbears]

Other than your first date, have you ever taken this woman out on a date ALONE?

 

Not with the kid(s)?

 

It seems like you all have just decided to be the Brady Bunch instead of actually DATING.

 

And now she has a man nagging her about paying him attention, spending time with him, having sex, etc. to add to the balance of being a Mom, taking care of a house, preparing for the holiday, etc

 

It is great that you're doing handy man things around the house and cooking dinner for her and her son...but where is the romance?

 

The dates. A night away. Adult/couple time as just two adults.

 

I'm not reading anything romantic here. I'm reading where you are acting like a married couple except you aren't married, you don't live together and you're only dating a few months.

 

You seem to have skipped "courting" and jumped directly to "day to day life" and once the initial physical attraction wore off...you've jumped directly to mundane sex life also.

 

Date her. Like an adult. Surely you can log onto care.com and find a babysitter. The poor woman sounds like she needs a night OUT and a break. I bet if you do that, you may find her sex drive comes back alive.

[Trail Blazer]

Of course. Our first 2 dates were spent alone. In mid July I took her out for the night to a swanky hotel in town and a nice fancy steakhouse for dinner. I've taken days off work to spend during the day while her son is at school, taking her out to lunch etc. I've left no stone unturned to try and create special times for just the 2 of us. At some point I've probably gone overboard TRYING.

 

Her son is her kid, isn't in incumbent upon her to take some responsibility in carving a relationship with the man she supposedly wants to be with? I can only do so much. I help her doing "handy man" things to try and free up her time, finances and relieve her of stress, hoping that is all balances the favor of us spending more time together. That's not seemingly been the case.

Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wallysbears]

When was your last actual date night?

Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Trail Blazer]

A few months ago. But I last took a day off a month ago where we dropped off her boy to school and spent the day together, including lunch and the theater.

Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wallysbears]

Maybe it is time for a date night?

 

I know that for my husband and I? We have to make a point to go on DATES with each other otherwise the routine day to day life thing can impact our relationship and intimacy.

 

And I think that is normal for many couples.

[elaine567]

5 love languages.

Sounds like "acts of service" is one of your love languages.

If it isn't one of hers your "love" may be going unappreciated, meanwhile she may be feeling very unloved if "quality time" is one of hers.

[Trail Blazer]

f quality time is one of hers, it's her responsibility to find her kid a babysitter. I can't find one for her. I can't make it any clearer how much I want to spend "quality time" with her. She's the one who's holding back. I'm trying to do it all in my desperation to keep this relationship firing along.

Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[introverted1]

I agree that the conversation should have happened f2f, when you are both relaxed and when there are no kids around.

 

I also agree that it seems like you have fallen into the routine of a marriage and that you need to do some dating. it's fun experiences together that bonds you as a couple. Yes, helping around the house is nice, but it's hard to deepen the relationship this way. Why not start looking for a reliable babysitter? There are sites like care.com where you can find people who've gone through background checks. Then you can have a weekly date night.

 

As for the sleep issue, I am with your gf. I'd be stressed beyond belief if my bf wanted to have a state-of-the-relationship conversation at 11:30pm on a weeknight. Is it possible that you are under-estimating her need for sleep based on your own (minimal) needs? I can do a couple of nights of 6 hours but I couldn't do this as a steady diet. I'm thinking that your gf is being honest with you here.

[Wallysbears]

Oh yeah....there was no reason to have a "state of the state" at 11pm at night. That's way too late.

 

And I'm with your GF on the sleep thing. I *need* 8 hours of sleep a day. I get up at 5:45am and I'm in bed by like 9:30 most weeknights. I may be playing with my phone or whatever for a bit while laying in bed...but I'm normally in bed.

Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[some_username1]

Sleep wasn't an issue in the honeymoon period. Just sayin'!

 

Going by this latest update it sound to me like she has lost attraction and is not great at dealing with the conflict of ending it and is being indirect, avoidant and hoping OP will take it upon himself to end it for her.

 

If I was you OP I would go dark at this point, it sounds like you have done your best. If it was me I would be (reluctantly) firing up the dating apps, considering myself single and let her come to me as a sign of her interest in keeping things alive.

[Happy Lemming]

My view is that we're as good as done. I think the sleep issue is a smokescreen.

 

Yep... She is keeping you around through Christmas. You had mentioned her son and your daughter like each other and enjoy playing together, so she probably wants her son to have a nice Christmas. He'll have his playmate for Christmas, she'll take some nice pictures, post them to social media so everyone sees a Happy "Norman Rockwell" Christmas.

 

If its this difficult to get her to communicate, you are never going to have sex again.

 

If you like someone, you find a way to make time for them.

 

I'd re-think the upcoming trip. Can you go alone or just with your child/children??

[Trail Blazer]

I agree that the conversation should have happened f2f, when you are both relaxed and when there are no kids around.

 

I also agree that it seems like you have fallen into the routine of a marriage and that you need to do some dating. it's fun experiences together that bonds you as a couple. Yes, helping around the house is nice, but it's hard to deepen the relationship this way. Why not start looking for a reliable babysitter? There are sites like care.com where you can find people who've gone through background checks. Then you can have a weekly date night.

 

As for the sleep issue, I am with your gf. I'd be stressed beyond belief if my bf wanted to have a state-of-the-relationship conversation at 11:30pm on a weeknight. Is it possible that you are under-estimating her need for sleep based on your own (minimal) needs? I can do a couple of nights of 6 hours but I couldn't do this as a steady diet. I'm thinking that your gf is being honest with you here.

Here's the thing I keep trying to convey on here. Her child is ever-present! She had managed to get him to bed at 9.30pm last night. There's a small window of opportunity to have alone time during the week, but that very quickly diminishes when she starts getting tired. She's 10 minutes away, so I could have raced over there and had a chat in person, but it still would have gone for a fair while and I would still have been keeping her awake.

 

I'm beyond frustrated at bending over backwards, jumping through hoops trying to accommodate all of her needs or deficiencies. It's clear that she's constraining dialog. If she wasn't then she'd want to engage, she'd make it easier for me and she'd value time communicating without her 6 year old constantly interrupting.

 

You might have been frustrated if your boyfriend had this discussion if you thought it was too late. But I ask you this: if you knew he wanted to have the conversation, would you have made it a priority to make time to have it? I might not have proceeded correctly 100 per cent of the time, but I'm trying my best and I'm constantly feeling frustrated about her holding back.

[Trail Blazer]

Sleep wasn't an issue in the honeymoon period. Just sayin'!

 

Going by this latest update it sound to me like she has lost attraction and is not great at dealing with the conflict of ending it and is being indirect, avoidant and hoping OP will take it upon himself to end it for her.

 

If I was you OP I would go dark at this point, it sounds like you have done your best. If it was me I would be (reluctantly) firing up the dating apps, considering myself single and let her come to me as a sign of her interest in keeping things alive.

 

I have felt like this is the case. She's not being straight up with me. It feels like she's waiting for me to get so frustrated it will force my hand to leave. I'll be dumped by logical deduction.

 

As for your second paragraph, I'll be doing just that, sans firing up a dating app. I can't handle another woman at this stage. I need to finalize my divorce in the new year and focus my energies into things less frustrating than dating.

[Trail Blazer]

Yep... She is keeping you around through Christmas. You had mentioned her son and your daughter like each other and enjoy playing together, so she probably wants her son to have a nice Christmas. He'll have his playmate for Christmas, she'll take some nice pictures, post them to social media so everyone sees a Happy "Norman Rockwell" Christmas.

 

If its this difficult to get her to communicate, you are never going to have sex again.

 

If you like someone, you find a way to make time for them.

 

I'd re-think the upcoming trip. Can you go alone or just with your child/children??

 

She doesn't post a lot to social media. Our kids won't be playing over Christmas. I'll be spending some time with the kids, but for the majority they'll be with their mom.

 

I agree, if you want to spend time with someone you MAKE time. To be fair, she had made time to do certain things, but they all seem to be on her terms when you think about it. As soon as I have any expectations in the relationship, I'm the one who "doesn't understand" or I'm outright being encouraged to just look elsewhere.