Dealing with sexual/romantic attention as a married person

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll say it again for emphasis, although I'm sure there are many on here who have their doubts, my marriage is actually very strong and loving. We are lucky to have very short commutes and work in the same area so we get to have a lot of time together at home and during the day.

 

Then why hasn't that been - and isn't it now - enough for you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

 

Hardly anyone in this culture is faithful, from what I can tell.

 

Are you sure that your experience is not colouring your perception?

 

I find that hard to believe. I’m not Japanese, but my knowledge of Japanese culture is that it the values of honesty, respect, honour, civility, and social status are very important in the culture...

[diddilybop]

Are you sure that your experience is not colouring your perception?

 

I find that hard to believe. I’m not Japanese, but my knowledge of Japanese culture is that it the values of honesty, respect, honour, civility, and social status are very important in the culture...

 

right? OP...i think you're either having trouble understanding the point we're all trying to make here OR you're making excuses for yourself.

 

All that said, it's almost as if my wife expects me to not be completely monogamous.

 

maybe it would be wise to come clean to your wife about your serial cheating and see how she actually feels rather than assume that she's okay with your behavior. after-all, she's a partner in your marriage together.

Edited December 5, 2018 by diddilybop

[carhill]

Saving face is very important in Japanese culture. Non-confrontational behavior, very different from here in the US. Been to Japan enough to see it in action in daily life.

 

OP, are you married to a western woman or native Japanese? I ask because of this:

 

....it's almost as if my wife expects me to not be completely monogamous. I'm off to Thailand for a business trip soon and afterwards meeting a guy friend there. My wife is like, go and enjoy but don't catch anything... Go figure

 

If your wife is stating such boundaries to you directly, that's your/her marriage. The rest is up to you, how you address those boundaries. We see examples of extra-marital attention in open marriages, again with boundaries the spouses set. Even monogamous marriages can have very flexible boundaries with outside persons. Approved threesomes are one example. Fiirting is OK is another example. Etc, etc. When it comes down to it, it's your marriage and relationship. You can take our experience and advice on-board as appropriate and then make your own decisions. As far as Thailand, Phuket

[elaine567]

Are you sure that your experience is not colouring your perception?

 

I find that hard to believe. I’m not Japanese, but my knowledge of Japanese culture is that it the values of honesty, respect, honour, civility, and social status are very important in the culture...

 

 

I read it is a traditional culture where men cheat with impunity but the wives need to be as pure as the driven snow... to do otherwise would be emasculating for her husband and embarrassing for her children...

Supposedly there is change afoot with younger men now rejecting adultery.

[5x5]

Are you sure that your experience is not colouring your perception?

 

I find that hard to believe. I’m not Japanese, but my knowledge of Japanese culture is that it the values of honesty, respect, honour, civility, and social status are very important in the culture...

 

Equal-opportunity infidelity comes to Japan - www.japantimes.co.jp

 

In my experience with Japanese men and women, it doesn't seem to be a big deal.

 

When I was still in my early twenties I was with an Anglo woman who had lived and worked in Japan. Who was friends with quite a few Japanese men and women and still worked with Japanese people. Anyway at least in her Japanese social circles that she hung out with, men and women were fine with their partners playing with others on the side.

 

Plus one of my other male friends lived in Japan for a while and he also says sexual infidelity is normal over there.

 

While another of my male friends is married to a Japanese woman and has lived and works in Japan for many years. And again sexual infidelity even when married, is okay as long as you don't embarrass your partner.

 

Likewise when I was engaged to my now wife, I knew a young Japanese woman who asked me to have sex with her. Who was taken aback, when I turned her down. To the point that she asked if I was gay. Since to her just because I was with someone else, it was strange that I felt I should turn her down.

[Haru-no-yuki]

Then why hasn't that been - and isn't it now - enough for you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is enough for me now in fact. Our relationship is really great and I'm not looking for anything else.

 

In terms of setting boundaries for myself... I'm thinking about it still.

 

My last fling was meant to just be a bit of fun to begin with - ie hang out, have coffee etc. It just got out of hand

 

Re. the comments about Japan - the last post is spot on imho. I don't think I'm delusional or kidding myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

It just got out of hand

 

Uh, no it didn’t. Infidelity isn’t a forest fire, it’s a series of poor choices framed by entitlement, neediness and non-existent boundaries.

 

In terms of setting boundaries for myself... I'm thinking about it still.

 

You might start with adding no coffee or hang outs with single women to the list...

 

Mr. Lucky

[diddilybop]

Uh, no it didn’t. Infidelity isn’t a forest fire, it’s a series of poor choices framed by entitlement, neediness and non-existent boundaries.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

exactly, i'd like to add selfishness and lack of empathy too.

 

OP, what i can't wrap my head around is why you haven't discussed these thoughts with your wife or even told her about your serial cheating? it doesn't seem fair that you haven't given her any kind of voice in this. and just because you're living in japan and that there are examples of "equal infidelity" within the culture, doesn't mean you necessarily have to do the same.

 

i lived abroad in china for awhile, and just because it's typical for the locals very aggressively push others to get onto the subway car, doesn't mean that i had to do the same...and i didn't. you have the power to make the choice, it's not out of your control.

[BettyDraper]

OP, if still reading, how is this normally handled in your culture? How do your peers handle it? Your screenname sounds Asian and denotes a title of a movie set in Japan. Close?

 

In general, people experience attraction to many people throughout life. It's a normal human condition. Part of the choice of being married and/or monogamous is to accept those attractions as real and valid and simply not act on them. People do it every day. You apparently have done it, like with the lady in the cab. Once you learn to accept them as what they are, moments in time, you can quickly move from each one and back to your primary relationship. As MW's over the decades were so fond of telling me, they're married, not dead. They and their spouse decide where their boundary is. Yup.

 

This. Attraction to others is normal. What is most important is maintaining appropriate boundaries in spite of being attracted to someone else.

[pepperbird]

exactly, i'd like to add selfishness and lack of empathy too.

 

OP, what i can't wrap my head around is why you haven't discussed these thoughts with your wife or even told her about your serial cheating? it doesn't seem fair that you haven't given her any kind of voice in this. and just because you're living in japan and that there are examples of "equal infidelity" within the culture, doesn't mean you necessarily have to do the same.

 

i lived abroad in china for awhile, and just because it's typical for the locals very aggressively push others to get onto the subway car, doesn't mean that i had to do the same...and i didn't. you have the power to make the choice, it's not out of your control.

 

 

I think it could also be a case of the op selectively seeing what supports his position.

I asked a friend of my daughter's who is here form Japan as an exchange student in university, According to her, infidelity is just as frowned upon there, at least int he circles she travels in.

[ExpatInItaly]

What advice do you want, OP?

 

You're not doing enough to safeguard your marriage, and you know that. You also know what to do in order to avoid more affairs. The only fly in this ointment is that you don't want to be faithful. We can't change that for you.

 

Why are you married? That is a serious question; I'm genuinely curious why you even bother with marriage.

[Pastypop]

Since, I got fired for not having sex with a co-worker three years ago, I make a point not to ever be alone with anyone of the opposite sex ever. Life has gotten so much easier since. I no longer get hit on at work and don’t have in laws making up rumors. When married, this is the absolute best way to stay out of trouble. If you need to have work meetings with the opposite sex, just leave meeting room door open or meet where others can see and hear you.