I want her back but she has a boyfriend

[Sandy19]

OK so that's probably a pretty common title

So I'm doubting my own ability to handle this objectively so here I am and I would very much appreciate the input from third parties outside of the situation. I'll try to get to the point.

 

There is a woman I have know for 12 years. We met in our early 20's so we are mature adults now I suppose. I was attracted to her immediately and tried like hell to get her attention but, for 7 years, didn't get much further than a few kisses and some warm feelings, it was nice though. She always had a boyfriend and that made things complicated. She may be a bit of a relationship addict actually. In, 2014 we started talking to each other again after a few years of not seeing each other because we both stopped working at the same place.

She came back into my life at the same time as I was having some serious life problems and was a great friend to me during the process. We had never been closer and I decided to tell her about my feelings for her. We were on different sides of the country so nothing could really be done about it. I just wanted her to know. She admitted she had feelings for me too but did not want to jeopardize our friendship. I didn't get too bent out of shape about this because we couldn't date anyways. We kept talking though, everyday and for hours. It's a unique skill we have to be able to have 3 hour phone conversations that only feel like 20 mins, every night for weeks. I'm not even exaggerating and it's not something I have ever had with anyone else.

 

She had been where she was for college but, when the summer came, she packed up all her stuff and decided to come see me. What was supposed to be a short visit ended up being her finding a job and we got an apartment together. So yeah, I guess we were together but she wanted to keep it casual.

Unfortunately, I had become a heavy drinker after the things I went through that I eluded to before and my behavior became a bit erratic. To make a long story short I ended up losing her because of it. There was no violence or anything, I was just acting like a madman and she was uncomfortable. I don't blame her for leaving. We kept in minimum contact over the next 6 months while I drank away my sorrows and text bombed her too many times. She rarely answered. She then got fired form her job and contacted me to meet. She had decided to move away to her parents. We had a great talk and stayed in the coffee shop until 4 hours later when they closed up and kicked us out. I wanted her back and told her so and we got into an argument about it a few days later and went back to not talking.

I did not know this at the time but apparently started dating a new guy a month after this. 6 months later she got into a motorcycle accident and reached out to me again. We stayed in touch a bit after that but I now knew she had a new boyfriend and we ended up not getting along about that and back to no contact again. Another 6 months go by and, this time, I got really drunk and called her. We talked again for hours. We laughed and we cried. I apologized for what had happened but I was still drunk so it felt hollow. It was then that she told me that she had been pregnant after a month dating the new guy and that she ended up getting an abortion after lots of drama and at the very last minute apparently. This was a shock to my system to say the least and we didn't really argue but went back to no contact anyways but with one big difference this time, I quit drinking. That night was almost 2 years ago now and I haven't had a drink since. It's hard to explain what happened, I just had enough of it. Honestly, I knew that I had no self control when I drank and that was always when I tried to reach out to her. I knew that if we weren't together but kept in contact it would only be a matter of time before I called her up and she told me she was pregnant or married and the fear of hearing that outweighed my need to drink so that was it and I threw up a wall. She tried to contact me again 6 months later but, this time, I did not answer.

 

Flash forward to last May. I got an email from her just saying hi. I ignored it again but 2 weeks later I get another, this time just saying my name. After 2 weeks thinking it over I answered and we began to write back and forth but I refused to call her. 2 weeks later I decided I would and, when I did, it turned out we were only working an hour away from each other. So I jumped in the truck and went to see her. It was the first time we had seen each other since the coffee shop almost 3 years before. We hugged and went for a drive and went down to the local river to talk. I told her that I was sober and had spent the last 2 years working on myself (true. Hit the gym and got into university too) and I finally got to look her in the eyes and tell her how sorry I was for my behavior before. I can't describe how good it felt and how guilty I had felt over it still and how many times I had dreamed of the opportunity to make things right. I had no romantic inclinations but, when she hugged me and forgave me, I told her I still loved her. To which she had no response until I visited her again the next night when she admitted she loved me still too.

It was one of the happiest moments I had ever had but there was still a problem. She still had a boyfriend. She told me that she didn't love him and hadn't been happy for 2 years but she wasn't working enough to be able to get out of the home they shared and he was paying all the bills. We agreed we wanted to be together but that it would take patience.

 

The next couple of months were fine. She came to visit me on labour day and thanksgiving (canadian) but we did argue a few times about the situation. It's literally the only thing we ever argue about. She was still referring to him as her partner and also telling me that she was working on a pros and cons list for both him and I. I didn't care for this and it started a fight that didn't really go away and has now resulted in us not talking. In the 3 weeks after that fight I felt like she was pushing me away and I confronted her (on the phone) and asked for a simple yes or no to the question if she was going to be with me. She told me no, not right now. It was said in the middle of a heated argument but it was still said so I told her I couldn't be close to her while she had a boyfriend and we both hung up angrily on each other. I texted her 30 mins later because I felt bad and apologized for how messy the whole fight was but told her I was going to stand my ground. She texted me a few hours later and told said that she was so angry at me. I replied that I was not arguing anymore tonight and then neither of us spoke for a month.

 

I was kind of surprised she didn't say anything but she can be very stubborn so I was't too shocked. I didn't want to be the first to break no contact either because I felt that it was just sending her the message that she could walk all over me but I missed her so I texted. I said that I didn't understand the level of her anger at me and she replied the next morning saying that if I didn't know what the problem was how could I be right and her wrong? She also asked if this was how I wanted to start things again. I told her it was just too large a thought for text and that I'd write her a letter. That night I tried to walk the line between telling her that shes the woman I love but I don't know how we can be together if she won't leave her situation. I tried to explain that I can let her go if she wants me to but she needs to understand that I don't want to but the decision for space if we are not together is to preserve my sanity not be spiteful and mean. I don't think she gets that. I didn't hear back so I sent her a text saying that I wanted to chat about things so I'd call her after the weekend. To anyone asking why I wouldn't just call her right then i'll just admit it, I'm very nervous to speak to her. The weekend isn't for her to prepare it's for me lol

So tomorrow I have to call her up. I don't know what I'm going to say now.

Yes, I want her back but I still can't be close to her while she has a boyfriend and neither of us can afford to get her out, that hasn't changed so I can't see a solution. I still feel that if I stay while she has a boyfriend she is just going to try and have her cake and eat it too and I can't accept that. I just want a simple and real monogamous relationship with her.

So here we are, the part that I'm lost in, thanks for reading and I've tried to summarize but theres a lot of history.

I know what shes done makes her a cheater and me not any better as a guy sleeping with someone elses girlfriend. I kind of feel bad for the other guy but he's telling her he wants to work on things so that adds complications. I also wonder what she is telling him because she really seems to have a careful balancing act going on and I don't know where he thinks shes going and he knows who I am and my past with her so I don't see how he couldn't be suspicious but she says he doesn't know shes cheating on him.

So Wow, what a mess

ask questions if you need to

be brutal if you feel you have to (to me, not her. I want to try and take the high road whatever my solution ends up being)

I'm not stupid and I know what I would advise someone in my shoes but I think I'm a lil too close to the situation and a lil too much in love with her to see this clearly.

 

Thanks folks

[preraph]

Well, my first instinct was to say you need to quit drinking, but you did and you tried again and it still didn't work. So I'm afraid it's a case of there are people you can love but not live with, people who don't mesh with you on a domestic level for whatever reason. It could be anything from one is responsible or organized and the other isn't dependable and is disorganized, so that things just don't mesh (and they'll bother the organized/responsible person most) or it can be about someone is a slob, or it can be they never shutup so the other person can't hear themselves think. It can be someone loves you but isn't IN love with you or they have another person they love or an ideal they are still searching for, or they just prefer to be alone, or whatever.

 

But I'm very happy you found sobriety the natural way! Congratulations. Don't let anyone undermine that. If this yo-yo relationship is endangering that, then maybe it's not healthy for you and it's time to move on. I don't know. Stay strong.

[Sandy19]

Thanks

 

and yes I do understand that sometimes people just don't mesh no matter much you like them. The problem here is kind of the opposite. I've never really meshed with someone so well. That being said she still has a boyfriend

 

I appreciate the feed back

[Simple Logic]

You are wasting your time and effort.

[Sandy19]

Most likely

I wish you had of elaborated a bit though

The more I think about it the more I don't think I really have a reason to call her tomorrow. I think I already know what the answer to all this is.

[nolanola]

I think you are just going to have to let her go right now. You guys obviously have a connection and a bond, but it's not the right time right now. Might it be in the future? Maybe.

 

When one person is an alcoholic, a lot of attention is paid to that behavior and that illness. But very little attention is often paid to the co-dependency of the person that loves the addict. And their behavior needs to change just as much as the addict. She has work to do on herself and only time will tell if she will do it. You mention that you think that she is a relationship addict -- this is a common thing with people that are co-dependent. They don't know who they are alone and see themselves through their partners. So they have a hard time being single. You guys are not going to work as a couple until she does the work on herself.

 

It's ok to keep love in her heart for someone that you aren't with anymore. But try your best to not let this keep you stuck. I'm struggling with this too -- when you meet someone that you have such a strong connection with, it's hard to see anyone else as a potential partner because you think that just can't be as good as the other person. If you're in that place, take a break from dating. Travel, exercise, take a class, go to new AA meetings. DO something to keep your life moving forward. You will feel better. You may not ever "get over" her completely, but you will get better. I promise.