I feel my husband has betrayed me and our children in one of the worst ways possible.

[TogetherButAlone]

This is going to be long

 

My husband and i were together for 8 years before we decided to have our first child. As soon as i became pregnant he took temporary job in a city 2,000 miles away. There was no discussion, he just did it. I had a complicated pregnancy from the start and couldnt work or travel that far so i stayed home alone the entire pregnancy. I rarely heard from him, even when i was hospitalized and almost lost the baby. He sent no money home. When he did come home i quickly learned he had put us in the hole thousands of dollars and had been contacting females via CL personals. I found out because he left his email open and yes, i went through it. He denied it, accused me of making it up for the next 10 years. Recently he acknowledged it by simply saying that it was a long time ago and the past is the past, no one ever responded to him, he didnt cheat, i need to get over it and my trust issues.

 

After i had our first child he became unstable and violent so i left. Within 3 weeks he brought another woman into my home. She picks up my child and starts to say how she misses her baby girl and will see he when she comes home from other mommys (me) house. I was livid. I had no idea who she was, where she came from, how or when they met (i later found out shes from the same town he moved to when i was pregnant) He continued to see her for a few months then it seemed she was gone. Eventually i moved back in only to find out she was very much still around so i left again. Due to saftey issues where i lived i had to move back in with him, i had nowhere else to go. He said she was completely gone, in the past.

 

Eventually we are back together and after awhile we decided it was time for a second child. I quickly became pregnant and within weeks of that he receives a text asking what he was doing that night and did he want to get together. It was that heifer from years ago. This is a new work phone, new number, she had no way of knowing unless he gave it to her. He went outside to speak to her but i dont know what was said, for sure he didnt tell her to go to hell or anything of the sort. He said he didnt know how she knew his number.

 

A few years pass. One morning i receive a call. My parents had been involved in an accident and had died. I did not handle it well. He didnt seem to care. Mostly he berated me in the following month for becoming a bad mother and wife. I wasnt throwing huge birthday parties or arranging weekends filled with activities like before. I tried to lean on him for emotional support and needed him to take care of some of the household responsibilities. 3 months after their death he laughed in my face as i begged him to have some empathy and i snapped and slapped him (kids werent home, if that makes any difference) He left me.

 

2 weeks later he left his phone at my house after dropping off the children and yes, i went through it. As soon as he left me he was texting that heifer again. Sent her photos of my children. The last text from her said she would have been the best mom for them. I contacted her. She tells me they have always been in contact, mostly talking about mine and his issues, exchanging photos of themselves and my children, said she loved my children but hadnt seen them or him since him and i got back together years before. He denied it all but she had intimate details of my life she could only have known through him. After a year he just comes home one day like nothing happened. Its been 2 years and he is still denying everything except the texts and photos he sent, in say which he says he probably shouldnt have done, says he hasnt spoke to her since. He says my trust issues arent his problem and its ruining everything. That i should just trust him. He refuses to take responsibility for anything, no matter how small. Says the only problem is me. He defended her best mom comment saying she loves my children and im wrong to be upset about that. She doesnt even have custody or her own child.

 

She supposedly hasnt seen my daughter in about 10 yrs, hasnt ever met my son. So how the hell can she possibly love them? Its beyond my compression.

 

He doesnt see how much danger he has put us in. He was most likely sleeping with strangers then coming home and sleeping with me when i was pregnant. Hes involved my children with a woman who is 30 and on her 3rd marriage, who has been clinically diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and is bipolar, who is clearly mentally unstable, who has attachment issues, no sense of boundaries or respect, who was sleeping with his brother to get closer to him, whatever kind of backwards disgusting logic that is. I think its extremely unhealthy and very scary that this woman feels so strongly for my children. I believe if she felt wronged by him she could potentially try to harm my children. She already has harmed them indirectly through the issues that have arisen due to her contact with my husband. Neither her nor my husband see that but they both have caused enormous amounts of damage to our family. He never contacted her like i told him to, never set her straight that she is nothing to him or my children, that he made a terrible mistake and she is to never contact him again. He didnt want to look like an idiot (like he doesnt already). It was just left like that as far as i know. Her playing like shes mommy and him allowing if not encouraging it. He says they havent spoken at all since the best mom text. I dont believe him. He says my inability to let the past go is damaging our marriage and our children. Hes never apologised or done anything to prove he understands how badly hes betrayed our children or me as a woman, as his wife and as the mother of our children. Hes never done anything to prove it wont happen again or tried to repair the damage hes done. He says he has but cant give one specific example of how other than he came home, which means nothing to me honestly. Im just supposed to trust him and get over it. He doesnt see how hes to blame for anything or why i have a problem with anything hes done. He says im crazy and delusional and all i want to do is fight and im not being a good wife or mom. Is he right? Is what hes done, particularly the photos and allowing her space in my childrens lives, not wrong? Is him lying to me to protect another woman and speaking to her about our marriage and children not wrong? He says hes never cheated. Ever. Not physically or emotionally. Theyre just friends sometimes. He says if i dont let it go im going to be responsible for ripping our family apart and ruining our childrens lives. Would anyone else consider any of this betrayal and cheating on his part? Am i crazy and overreacting? I need outside input and opinions. I dont have any family, no friends, noone to talk to, nowhere to turn, no job, no money, nothing. I dont know what to believe or what to do anymore. Any outside perspective and advice would be appreciated.

Edited December 3, 2018 by TogetherButAlone

[darkmoon]

maybe you are overthinking things, not saying he is a saint with that friend, but he should come to you with his grievances, not her, she ought to go away, nobody needs a 3rd wheel, fact

[TogetherButAlone]

Im aware its almost impossible for me to look at this in any abjective way. Im unclear about what you mean by over thinking. Could you be more specific?

 

Also, i think friend and 3rd wheel downplays it a bit. More like emotional and physical affair partner and homewrecker.

[GinON]

To me you sound like a person that is being taken advantage of. You are letting this man lie to you and enabling him by letting him get away with it. I am no psychologist but you sound like a co-dependent. Try the book, Codependent No More which I think you can listen to on youtube or spotify for free.

 

This will sound harsh but you would do well to develop some self respect and confidence in your own self worth and follow these instincts you have (they are there! You know you are worth it!!) instead of letting yourself get walked all over like a doormat.

 

Its not going to happen overnight. You will need to find a support group like an Al Anon or a church. Is there substance abuse? Alcohol, drugs, etc? It also kind of sounds like abuse but you don't mention him hitting you.

 

The way he treated you about your parents death . GTFO

Detach from this revolting person, do it carefully and slowly so that you are safe.

Make a plan, work on getting yourself independent, and go.

 

I forgot you have kids, see if you can find a lawyer through a service that helps women in abusive situations. Just be careful. I hope you can find a way to be free of this, you are worth so much more than to be treated like this by anyone.

Edited December 3, 2018 by GinON

[Mr. Lucky]

He doesn't see how much danger he has put us in.

 

He's put you in or you've allowed yourself to be put in?

 

TogetherButAlone, you've had every red flag, warning sign and danger signal known to man, and yet you've stayed with and even had more children with this narcissistic, cheating jerk. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your own outcomes.

 

It's not his choices you should be focused on but rather your own. Hard to believe you still question what you should do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to get a lawyer, OP, and you need to start making a plan to formally separate from him. If you can't afford it, you need to start by looking for work so you are not so dependent on this man and at his complete mercy. Then start planning to get out.

 

This isn't a marriage anymore. It's two people who are legally bound to each other (for the moment) but your relationship died a long time ago. Of course he's cheated; you need to stop being so gullible and start realizing that when his lips are moving, he is lying.

 

He is a jerk, but you've known that for a long time. You have made decisions along the way that are detrimental to you and your well-being. It's time to stop participating in your own misery and start working towards reclaiming your independence.

 

He is not going to change. Only you can. The choice is yours as to whether you continue to accept this or not.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, he is not putting the children in danger - you are putting your children in danger by coming and going from this abusive relationship. You have had every warning flag and still, you have had children with this man and come and gone from this relationship for years!

 

I'm not sure where you live, but I would be gathering evidence and consulting a lawyer to see if it is possible to get sole custody. It's time to put a plan into place of how you are going to move forward with your life - where are you going to get support, counselling, financial and legal advice. Then, you can begin to take back your power and make some decisions that are you in yours and your children's best interest. Best wishes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry OP, this is all in you. You chose to stay and put your children in danger. You are still choosing to stay.

 

 

It's kind of gross how little self-respect and dignity you have. It's hard to feel sorry for you because you weren't even deceived. You *knew* and chose to turn the blind eye.

[nance12]

Allowing this man back into your life is destructive to you and your children. Why would you allow yourself to be treated this way and put up this? This person has violated you in many ways. You are disrespecting yourself and your child to allow yourself to be treated this way. Coming and going is allowing him to treat you this way because he knows how badly he can treat you and you still take him back. It sounds like he discards you like a narcissist. If you do not create boundaries and limits on how others treat you, then you are not protecting yourself and family. Why do you not feel you deserve respect? Firstly, you have to respect yourself before anyone else can respect you. Hoping for a man to make you feel better about yourself is causing you to feel worse about yourself.

Edited December 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[L0nely]

The solution to your problem is as clear as crystal. Simply get your children and leave the man. Go find a job and support your children. Completely cut contact with him immediately as he is a destructive, violent, and cheating person. Life will be hard to manage with jobs and children by yourself, but in the long run, you and your children will be much happier and safer.

[Jamess1]

These are the men women will never cheat on, will never divorce, and will have a 2nd child with after his cheating on her, these are men who get unlimited seks from their wives, a man who never apologizes for anything, always holds her accountable and doesn't hesitate to blame her, his actions indicate to her that there are other women who will replace her if she leaves, they indicate that he has other options besides her, so when she left, and he moved in with another woman, and didn't beg her to come back, she immediately moved back when the other woman left, without getting an apology and immediately decided to have a 2nd child!, this is what we call 'competition anxiety' : her decision was motivated by a fear of losing her man to another woman, she fuucks him hard and has another child with him, in the hopes of fending off the competition from the other woman.

 

This is the relational dynamic that keeps women loyal : a dynamic that tells her that he will be fine without me, he needs the relationship less than she does - he never responds in an emotional way, he responds in a very 'hard masculine' way, a man who does 'emote' like a woman, doesn't indulge in her emotions like she does, but always response in non-emotional way, limited words, rational responses to her emotional responses - despite her complaining, this is why she is attracted to him, she will never leave him, even cheat on him, because she is satisfied with : a man she constantly fails to change - a love she has to work for, a love that hurts and costs her, a love that is demanding to her -a relationship she feels the indignation everyday..a man who has never lost his 'frame'...

 

Which type of men get cheated on or left ? Men who say, "...after she complained, I admitted that I had not given her the attention she deserved, I admitted it was my fault, so I started to show her I cared, I did more house work, bought her flowers, I tried to be a better husband for her, to there for emotional...." : A week latter, he says '....The more I tried to be 'romantic' the more she got angry / then I realized she was having an affair with her co-worker etc'