Confusedflirt Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Hi, I'm new to this forum and figured this may be a good place to ask for some advice. I apologize if this is a long read but I greatly appreciate anybody that takes the time to read it! So around the 7th month mark of my relationship my boyfriend suddenly stopped talking to me and basically went MIA for a week. He said he needed space and was questioning our relationship. I was absolutely devastated and confused because everything seemed to have been going perfectly fine but I did my best to keep it together. After about a week he called me and begged me to see him. He apologized but still didn't quite give me the answers I was desperately seeking regarding what the heck happened. Our relationship continued on somewhat normal for a few days until I discovered that he had sex with another girl. He insisted that we were on a break at this time and I reluctantly "forgave" him because I was just relieved things would finally return to normal. We have now been together for 2 years and while things aren't anywhere near perfect, I would consider it a fairly decent relationship. However, I still feel this resentment and distrust towards him that's sometimes so discreet that I'm not even aware of it. But I've begun to realize that subconsciously I'm still afraid to fully love him and trust him because of past events. This has led to me sometimes being emotionally unavailable towards him and even cheating myself. I'm ashamed of the things I've done and i dont want to take the blame off of myself, but I'm starting to wonder if the root cause of this is because I'm still having trust issues and therefore this is some sick way to guard my heart. There is a lot more to the story when it comes to issues him and i have had in the past (he has some anger and emotional issues), but lately he's improved a lot. I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this post but I'm sick of being unsure about my relationship. I'm looking for any guidance or insight on all of this. Have you ever been in a similar situation? What do I do now? I feel lost and confused and guilty for sometimes having feelings for other people. I feel like I don't deserve to be hurt about the things he's done because I've done bad things too. Thanks in advance. ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Honestly, I would call it a day on this relationship. You have both broken each other's trust and it seems there are a lot of other problems between you two. It would have been best to have gone your separate ways after you first found out he took "space" to have sex with someone else, but here we are. This is why we date - to figure out if we are compatible and happy together. You discovered you are not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Confusedflert - This sounds like a toxic relationship and you should consider exiting. Going silent for a week does not constitute a "break" (a year maybe) and he discounts the seriousness of what he did. Remember that you can always leave because of infidelity no matter how long ago it occurred. Is this relationship turning you into someone that you do not want to be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 OP, if I were you I would've never taken him back. I mean CONVENIENTLY he just so happen to have sex with a girl while you guys are on break? I think not. There's a high possibility he wanted the break and wasn't sure of the relationship BECAUSE he wanted THAT girl/or just wanted to have sex with him. How nice of him to say he wants a break so he can have sex with another girl and not consider it "cheating". Girl, leave this man. No trust = no reason to be in a relationship. You'll never be truly happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) Our relationship continued on somewhat normal for a few days until I discovered that he had sex with another girl. This has led to me even cheating myself. I see nothing here to keep trying for. You've both debased the esteem of your relationship. Nothing is spinning the earth backwards to the moment right before he OK'd it to lie and cheat on you. You two weren't broken up or on a break (there's no such thing as a break) unless he said "I'm dumping you". Being MIA for a week doesn't equal you two agreeing to end your relationship. He got caught up in chasing her and life came at him fast and now he's trying to reconstruct events that led to him choosing to cheat so he doesn't have to deal with feel badly about himself and what he did to you. I mean, I've gone through rough patches in my past relationships and I never resorted to cheating. In fact, I never sought out anyone to groom them to be my cheat partner, so on that tip, I can't relate. To me, it's just as easy to exercise self discipline as it is to give in to cheating. Edited December 7, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 I read the first few words of the second sentence and I knew before I read it, he slept with someone else. He didn't do it because things are not good with your relationship and he needed space...he just wanted to have some strange is all. He felt he played by the rules enough that what he did was OK. It was cruel and selfish and you need to kick him to the curb for good. He ain't worth taking back...if you do you enable this behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 You said you're ashamed of things you've done? What did you do? Regardless, you both lost trust. What's the point anymore? Once you've lost trust, there's nothing left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusedflirt Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Thank you so much for your replies everyone. Since all of this has happened I cheated on him as well. He found out about it and now we are working on things. I'm trying desperately to do some inner work and introspection and understand all of this. Do I have the right to still be hurt by his actions if I've now done the same? I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Thank you so much for your replies everyone. Since all of this has happened I cheated on him as well. He found out about it and now we are working on things. I'm trying desperately to do some inner work and introspection and understand all of this. Do I have the right to still be hurt by his actions if I've now done the same? I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now. You have the right to feel however you want. Unfortunately, both of you have now damaged this relationship to the point that there is probably no coming back from it. Healthy, long-lasting relationships don't look like this. Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 I think OP and her boyfriend deserve a second chance. OP, you should buy the book How To Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne and read it with your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Confusedflert - This is interesting. I have no personal experience with revenge sex, but every post I have read by someone who has tried it, said that it did not make them feel better about their partner's extra-relationship sex. Do you really feel better about your boyfriend's cheating? FWIW I still think you have a toxic relationship and if you stay together for years, this will eat at both of you. Also, I believe that your boyfriend going silent on you for a week is more serious than his sex with another girl. Anyone can do something and the next morning think "OMG what have I done," but leaving someone you love in limbo for a week was cold and calculated. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Usually when there is cheating followed by revenge cheating feelings just never go back to what they were. You might stay together for a while but he no longer has you on a pedestal, probably will never get back up there; and you don't have him on one either. It will only last so long. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 Usually when there is cheating followed by revenge cheating feelings just never go back to what they were. You might stay together for a while but he no longer has you on a pedestal, probably will never get back up there; and you don't have him on one either. It will only last so long. Quoted for truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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