Navigating the 21st century

[recoveringnun]

All right so you need to know firstly that my username is quite accurate. I am midlife having spent the last 13 years in a religious discernment process. It was brutal. Now at the age of 52 I am finding I have to go back to where I was before and rebuild period part of that is learning to navigate the dating world. I find it intimidating to say the least. First, I should also say that I am not a fearful person and so when I say intimidating I mean unknown. I am completely confused by all the Dating Rules and games that everyone seems to play and I have no real interest in playing them. I am much more straightforward. My approach to things tends to be I like you, you like me, let's get together and see how it works. It doesn't work very well in my town and so I decided to go online and try to meet some nice men on a penpal site. I know. I know. But please hear me out. My reasoning was that it might be a safe Way to begin to understand what all this is about without having 2 commit to anything up front. Quite frankly I am too old and too cranky after all that I have been through to deal with a date where the guy might be a serial killer and have to check out the back via the bartender. It's just too much. In any case fast forward I actually met someone that I really like and I think he likes me since he is still talking to me. He lives in the UK and I live here in the states. Clearly I am in a mess as usual. The guy is wonderful and that is truly awful for me, since this whole thing as long distance. He is witty, kind, intelligent, compassionate, everything that I would ordinarily look for. Over the years as friends have fallen away, my world has gotten so small and it never was before. I feel isolated, with no one in my immediate life and sphere to talk to you about any of this. He does not know about my religious past as it is something so deeply personal that I really don't want to explain it accept either by phone or in person. At the moment we are trying to figure out how to take the next step into phone calls internationally, a huge challenge in itself. There are other things that I don't feel comfortable sharing even here, or with him in letters, until we have done that. I am seeking support, advice, friendship, with people who are in similar situations or who have been. Obviously I don't expect any former nuns, I realize how unique that is. But it really isn't a joke. I lived as a monastic in the world for a long time and that is so difficult I can't even begin to describe it to you. Now, living in one world only as a lay person is an entirely new experience. I need People in my life willing to extend a helping hand and a friendly heart. Any thoughts that you can share on how I can comfortably learn to be myself again in a world that has changed so drastically would be very helpful. Even just a comment to say good job or good luck would be really nice. Thank you for listening and reading.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well good luck!

 

Look, dating is challenging for EVERYONE! ... Doesn't matter if you have dated regularly, if you're a teenager, if you're coming out of a monastery ... if you're coming out of a divorce.

 

But there are simple rules ... One, I'll just tell you to calm your nerves. You don't have to tell someone you're just talking to on the phone about your previous life, religious history, mother's gambling problem, the brother you haven't spoken to in ten years.

 

You don't get to any of that until AFTER there is deep trust and a relationship has started ... You can't get to 52 without having done lots of dumb stuff that you're embarrassed about ... goes with the territory ... and the men you'll meet will share stuff with you as well.

 

What you want to talk about is your interests, your passions, your goals, fun hobbies, movies ... ideas you have ... observations ... You don't owe anyone a life history ... and basically people don't care as much about life history as you imagine. They simply want to know you can be a good partner RIGHT NOW!

 

 

BTW: you can talk internationally for free these days via Skype or another chat tool. Go to youtube, plug in skype and making an international call ... and you can do it for free. And if you have a smart phone, there are a bunch of apps that allow you to call for free.

 

Relax and slow down. If you're really feeling isolated and blocked ... consider therapy with the goal of developing the skill of reaching out to people and making friends. Those are worthy goals!