rugan0101 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 My husband (34,m) and I (27,f) have been together 5 years, married for 2 and this past year has been the roughest year of my life. I've been pretty unhappy with the marriage (the lack of sex, little to no connection, lack of attention, etc.). Months ago I sat my husband down and explained to him how I was feeling gave some ideas of things we could work on to move past it. That was six months ago and still nothing has changed. Between now and then there's been a lot of crying on my part and the distance between us has continued to grow (the days between sex has grown as well). I'm struggling. I know an affair is wrong and sex with someone else won't fix me or my marriage. But my emotions are telling me otherwise. I know it's the selfishness and insecurity in me talking so I distract myself, I keep busy. But those thoughts are still hanging around. I'm in IC (he refuses to go), I've been consistently going to the gym, appearing more attractive to him, etc. None of the changes he makes stick around for longer than a week or so. I recently told him that I'm worried that I'd seek out an affair...he was pissed (I don't blame him). I can't live without affection, intimacy, sex for much longer. All things considered, this doesn't seem like a good enough reason to leave a marriage. I need help...I grew up in a home where both parents had affairs and I never in a million years thought I'd be considering it. What else can I do to at least get him to agree to go to IC? Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 No spouse is entitled to sexual fidelity, if they choose to never or seldom ever have sex with their marital partner. So do feel free to have sex with others whenever you and they like. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Don't cheat, divorce if it is that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I can't live without affection, intimacy, sex for much longer. All things considered, this doesn't seem like a good enough reason to leave a marriage. Assuming that you’ve told him how you are feeling and what you would like from him, what is his reason for not doing what you have asked? Though you may consider living without affection, intimacy, and sex not a good enough reason to leave a marriage... what about staying in a marriage with a partner who dismisses your feelings, is indifference to your unhappiness, and is unwilling to compromise despite the fact that he is aware that his not choosing to do so may mean the potential demise of his marriage... is that reason to leave a marriage? Just saying, if you want to try to fix this you will need a good marriage Counsellor and a husband who is invested in your relationship. Right now, you have neither. Unless that changes, your better option would be divorce - not affair. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I know it's the selfishness and insecurity in me talking Those are the last two things I’d listen to. Rugan, infidelity isn’t a virus, you don’t catch it like a cold. It’s a choice you make involving betrayal, both of your spouse and your own values. Don’t be that person. Address and resolve the problems in your marriage, one way or the other. Working through the issues involved will bring clarity to your choices from there. During that process, stay true to the person you want to be, married or not. Hope you find what you’ve looking for... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I can't live without affection, intimacy, sex for much longer. All things considered, this doesn't seem like a good enough reason to leave a marriage. Actually they are a good reason to leave. Especially when you add the fact that he doesn't care how you feel, refuses counselling and won't make any changes. Was he always like this? If not, when did things change? What else changed at the same time? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 explained to him how I was feeling gave some ideas of things we could work on to move past it. That was six months ago and still nothing has changed. .. I'm in IC (he refuses to go) .. What else can I do to at least get him to agree to go to IC? Well you can lead him to water but you can't make him drink. Sit him down and tell him that you're not kidding, that your marriage is in serious trouble, you aren't happy, and if it doesn't improve you will be filing for divorce. And in order to fix it you both need to put in a lot of work; if he's not willing to do his part then no amount of pulling from your side will work. It takes 2 to save a marriage so he needs to get his head in the game. If he doesn't agree to that, then you need to accept that it's over. If he does agree then he needs to put his money where his mouth is. That means marriage counselling and whatever else it takes to save the marriage. Sitting on his bum hoping for the best is no longer an option. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I know the sex is infrequent but DO NOT get pregnant. Make sure your contraception is on point, last thing you would want is to bring a baby into what sounds like a failing marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 It seems like nothing will change, unless you make change happen. The easiest - and IMO, the best - way to do this is file for divorce. Either it will be the wake-up call he needs to begin to work on this, or you'll have begun your exit plan without wasting more time. And, if he still does nothing, you are free to move out (or he can), and you'll be ethically free to meet other men and have sex to your heart's content (as will he - or not, as seems his preference). Cheating is an aspirin. It may ease the pain temporarily, but the underlying condition will just get worse. Go for the cure, even if it takes a little longer. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Sorry to say, but this marriage is done! For most of us sex is a hunger, and for what ever reason your husband is not hungry. The question is. "How do you talk a man into eating his broccoli?" You don't! Who knows, maybe catching you cheating might wake him up Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Separate. It's up to him to go with you to marriage counseling. If he loves you and wants to make the marriage better he'll put in effort and work with you to rekindle things. Don't have an affair, that will just make things worse. Maybe when he sees how life is without you, he'll wake up before you file for divorce. These issues won't go away without counseling. IF you stay and nothing changes, you'll be even more miserable later in life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 My heart aches for you because I know how you feel. The begging and pleading to be loved. I cheated. I told my husband, and I’m some ways he changed... Problem is, it’s too late. I can’t forgive him and I ran out of love. Leaving a marriage because your partner is emotionally disconnected, refusing to work with you and removing sex is legit. If anything, separating may give him the wake up call he needs. Don’t cheat, you’ll hurt so much more. In ways you didn’t think was possible. Pack your bags and get a place. Give him 6 months to grow up or it’s done. Love yourself, understand why you committed to a man who can’t and won’t let your needs. Focus on self growth and finding peace. If your husband loves you, truly loves you, he WILL change. If he doesn’t, you’ll see the lack of progress. And don’t assume that YOU are the failure here because you finally laid boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Just tell your husband that things are going to change. Either within your marriage or post divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Do not cheat. If your marriage cannot be fixed, the lack of intimacy is a good reason for a failed marriage. However, if you cheat, then the blame reverts completely to you. Be stronger than that. Give him the ultimatum that he either works WITH you on this marriage, or after a reasonable amount of time, you will not continue the facade. One question, could there be a medical reason his libido is low? A trip to the doctor may help, as well. You married him for a reason. Remind yourself of that reason and do everything you can to save your marriage before you throw in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Is he interested in having sex but tired most of the time or just not interested in having sex? I was interested in having sex with my girl but was too tired to do anything. My best friend told me to go see a doctor. Doctor did tests and found out that my testosterone level was too low, which made me tired all the time. My unhealthy diet and lack of exercise was a major reason for this. I started taking testosterone. I cleaned up my diet and started lifting in the gym. My T-levels are now high and physically fit. Now we can't keep our hands off each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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