Seeking some insight to move on?

[annalilian26]

Hi everyone, I have written in here before about the same guy I have struggled to move on from for some time. I have had so many great insights from everyone who wrote in and I guess I am writing in to gain some further insight.

 

I (27F) was seeing a guy (28M)for about 5 months earlier this year. Although much of this time together was very nice, I was concerned with the nasty behaviour of his ex girlfriend (38F) who he didn't have any interest setting boundaries with. This created a clash between us and he told me that he is a jerk and is going to get worse the more he knows me and he needs to be with a girl who will put him back in his place when he acts up, so he broke it off (but said he will probably regret it).

 

We agreed to stay friends and communicated via Facebook messenger, leading to back and forth routine where we'd chat, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, vice versa. I'll admit that this is the part where I got carried away and I did reach out to him more than I should have, however he always seemed engaged speaking to me and never once gave me any indication that he was unhappy with this. One day when we were communicating, he told me that he never expected to feel this strongly for someone and there's a part of him that says, stuff it lets just be together, but he knows that it will be a disaster as every relationship ends badly. The next day he denied having any feelings for me and claimed that he didn't remember saying this. After this, he got quite nasty, telling me that he is done talking with me and wants to be left alone and has tried to be polite to me before but nothing has worked (although he never raised this with me previously). I felt terrible for crossing these boundaries messaging too much, apologised and backed off entirely.

 

He reached out a couple of months later apologising profusely, saying he was a pig and that he was in a bad place at the time but it was no excuse. I told him I appreciated his apology and left it that. Unfortunately with time, I became concerned that he didn't have a proper support network and a problem with depression and drinking, so I reached out and told him that if he finds himself in a bad place, not to be a stranger. He thanked me, said likewise and asked me how I was and I cut the conversation short but reiterated to reach out if he needs a friend.

 

Afterwards I had overwhelming feelings remerge for him, mainly because he seemed to have done so much self work and showed a very kind side after apologising after we had that time apart. I told him that I still had feelings for him and he said 'sorry....I shouldn't have messaged in the first place' and that he thinks we should block all contact, that he hopes I'm ok and that we cross paths again one day and then blocked me on messenger. I've been really conflicted because I feel he views me as repulsive/a nuisance and I then feel that my feelings were confirmed after I saw him on tinder and he 'noped' me.

 

 

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After gaining insights from people on this forum, it seems that people tend to believe that

 

a) he blocked me and ended it like this because he needs to work on himself and keeping me in his life was a distraction and that he needs distance from his feelings for me and the best way to do that was by going no contact and that just because he went no contact doesn't mean his feelings weren't real or that he remembers me badly.

 

OR

 

b) Me messaging him too much after breaking up made him realise that I was toxic/bad news/a pain and gave him some relief that it ended between us and as a result, he did everything he could to prevent me from coming back into his life.

 

 

Both are really conflicting and made me question myself in this situation and the part that I played in it ending so badly. I was wondering if you would have any insights into what how you think he perceives me/the past relationship based on what I have written. I know that his opinion in the end doesn't matter and I should just let it go, but I feel like having some objective input on it from individuals with far better emotional intelligence than myself could help give me that extra push to move past these feelings once and for all.

 

I appreciate your time!

Edited December 4, 2018 by annalilian26

[nolanola]

When you say he is working on himself, what do you mean? Did he stop drinking and/or seek treatment (therapy, AA, etc)? In my experience, addicts often become "dry drunks", meaning that they stop using, but keep a lot of the same behaviors. To me, this guy has some issues that he needs to work on that go beyond just drinking too much. The only person that can fix this is him. If he's out trolling for people on tinder, that is concerning. People with addiction problems often swap one addiction for another. For example, they stop drinking but start hooking up with a bunch of random people. Or they get into unhealthy relationships. He's not ready to be a good partner for anyone. It's possible that he might become one after some time has passed -- like months to years.

 

I know you feel a loss. This up and down with you guys is confusing and not fair to you. Try to let him go for now and trust that it's the right thing. You guys cannot have a successful relationship right now.

[annalilian26]

When you say he is working on himself, what do you mean? Did he stop drinking and/or seek treatment (therapy, AA, etc)? In my experience, addicts often become "dry drunks", meaning that they stop using, but keep a lot of the same behaviors. To me, this guy has some issues that he needs to work on that go beyond just drinking too much. The only person that can fix this is him. If he's out trolling for people on tinder, that is concerning. People with addiction problems often swap one addiction for another. For example, they stop drinking but start hooking up with a bunch of random people. Or they get into unhealthy relationships. He's not ready to be a good partner for anyone. It's possible that he might become one after some time has passed -- like months to years.

 

I know you feel a loss. This up and down with you guys is confusing and not fair to you. Try to let him go for now and trust that it's the right thing. You guys cannot have a successful relationship right now.

 

Hi, thanks so much for writing in and many apologies for the delay getting back in touch with you!!

 

I am doubtful that he is actively seeking help for his drinking/mental illness as he never expressed any interest in it. I did encourage him to seek help from a professional and informed him how much it has helped me when I had depression and he said that the only time he saw a mental health professional, he got kicked out of the session as he didn't have much respect for the psychologist and wasn't taking the session seriously. He also said that the doctors he sees who regularly prescribe him valium don't seem to think there is much of a problem and he is just young and drinks too much.

 

Sometimes it can become so hard to distinguish heavy drinking among young people and alcoholism. Also, I live in Australia and we have a pretty hard drinking culture here (much more to what I've seen in the United States when I visited). Drinking heavily with friends in your late 20s and 30s is the norm here. I never really observed him wake up and drink but he did tell me that the year prior he was drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a night to himself and he doesn't do this anymore (so he says).

 

I guess when I mentioned that he seems much better, it almost seemed like he had come to his senses and realised his wrong doings in our relationship with his kind apology towards me and self-awareness. To me it indicated a possibility that this experience could have influenced him to be a better potential partner from there. It definitely did hurt see him seeking out other potential partners/girls on tinder after what felt like a pretty harsh rejection with him blocking me.

 

Thank you once again for your supportive and very informative response.

Edited December 11, 2018 by annalilian26

[uniplex]

He sounds very toxic to me. The situation with his ex is also a bit sketchy. Perhaps she's a better fit for him because she's just as dysfunctional as he is.

 

It hurts but he doesn't sound like he's the right guy for you at all. You deserve so much more.

[stillafool]

I know rejection hurts and I think it can create obsession, especially in women. I think that is what's keeping you stuck. We aren't used to it and when it happens it makes us question ourselves over and over. Unfortunately the way dating is set up these days women will experience a lot more of it. I'm sure even though this guy passed on you he still thinks you are a nice woman. He was blunt and honest with you but I didn't see where he viewed you as a nuisance or repulsive in any way.

[annalilian26]

I know rejection hurts and I think it can create obsession, especially in women. I think that is what's keeping you stuck. We aren't used to it and when it happens it makes us question ourselves over and over. Unfortunately the way dating is set up these days women will experience a lot more of it. I'm sure even though this guy passed on you he still thinks you are a nice woman. He was blunt and honest with you but I didn't see where he viewed you as a nuisance or repulsive in any way.

 

Thank you for this. When we were together he made it clear how much he valued what we had and how much it meant to him, it doesn't make sense that he could feel something like that and then transition to out right rejection.

 

A lot of confliction comes from feeling like I crossed his boundaries by over contacting him asking him questions after we broke up, but I'm so confused because he never actually asked me for space and on many occasions of me over contacting him, he'd reciprocate. Maybe I was just overlooking my behaviours all along?

 

I feel so confused, but also feel so in the wrong and that churns out a mass of obsession.

[annalilian26]

He sounds very toxic to me. The situation with his ex is also a bit sketchy. Perhaps she's a better fit for him because she's just as dysfunctional as he is.

 

It hurts but he doesn't sound like he's the right guy for you at all. You deserve so much more.

 

 

Thank you for your support.

 

The situation with his ex was unusual, almost like she had this control over him. I never care too much about potential partners being close with exes as I have maintained a close friendship with my ex partner, but he would never behave in such a way towards people I am seeing, quite the contrary.

 

Apparently she was always quite cold with him during the relationship, which was a reason they broke up. He'd tell me I am too intense or "too much". Maybe he preferred a cold, emotionally detached sort of person and when I continually showed him that raw, deeply vulnerable side of myself to him after we broke up, it realllllllly put him off me. I mean, It's strange how he went to ending it saying that he would probably regret it, then umming and ahhing over the matter and when I took it too far showing my feelings he would become mean and later block me. Either that, or maybe I went too far with my feelings and smothered him. I'm so confused.

Edited December 12, 2018 by annalilian26

[stillafool]

Even though he broke up with his ex because she was emotionally unavailable perhaps that's what gets him excited (the thrill of the chase) and he didn't realize it until she was gone. At any rate you should have a man that you cab be vulnerable with without him being cold to you. This one was not a good fit.

[nolanola]

This guy is an alcoholic. I live in New Orleans and drinking is very prevalent here as well. When I first moved here, I was not much of a drinker and was shocked by how much people drink. Behavior like drinking alone is very common here. So I had a similar problem trying to figure people out. Are they alcoholics or do they just follow the culture here?

 

However, this guy drinks a lot and it is affecting his life and relationship. That's why I say he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics and addicts in general have behaviors that make relationships with them VERY hard. They are selfish and will suck the life out of the other person until they seek help. What you describe is not seeking help. He is not ready for that and thus cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone. He probably feels bad about how he has treated people. Self loathing is a very common trait of addicts. However, they cannot control the behavior that causes them to hurt others. So I'm sure he does feel bad, probably more than you will ever know.

 

Please take comfort in that -- let him go and do the work that he needs to do on himself. Hopefully he will do it and help himself. Work on yourself too. I found that when I was involved with an addict, I became extremely codependent. I couldn't see it for a long time and it made it so hard to let him go. I was wrapped up in his life and what he was doing. I had stopped caring for myself. This might be part of why you're having a hard time letting go.

 

I think him not contacting you is the best thing that could happen. When you get intermittent contact, it just causes confusion and keeps you holding on.