Depressing story of my life.. What could I do to change my autism?

[Tagalz]

Hi! *what I could do to make my life better* should be the title

 

If you're not familiar with me you might know me from posting a lot on the dating forum about a girl that blew me off. I'm 23 Male and I come from Oslo, Norway.

 

Before I start I want to say two things:

 

1. I'm not good in english so if you don't understand, ask me.

2. If you think it's a lot to read, feel free to exit the thread (:

 

Let's start with kindergarten. That was my heyday. I talked a lot and was a sporty boy. I liked to be around people and I enjoyed it. Not much to say there than that.

 

So it all started in primary school. In Norway we have class 1 to 7 in primary school. After you're done with 7th class you go to secondary school. It was not until the 5th class If I remember right that bullying started. I was bullied because of my looks and because I was behaving like a girl when I was a boy. I was too scared to fight back and I was afraid to tell the teacher. The teacher did noticed and asked if I was okay and I used to say this: "Yes I'm okay"

 

Not only that but I didn't tell my parents. Sometimes I come home crying and they ask me what happened and I always said this "I fell and hit my knee" I always did my homework and after that I went out to a kindergarten were they have playground. I used to sit there looking up in the sky and think. I didn't think about what to do to stop it. I was thinking to repeat what I just learned. Sometimes I would play alone with the sand. Sometimes I took my phone and started to listening to music. I was alone. I had no one. Not even girls wanted to talk to me because I was bullied. My reputation and dignity was lost because of that.

 

I ended up doing nothing and it continued to secondary school because the same guy that was bullying me went to the same school.

 

Secondary school: Here the system is just 3 classes. the same thing happend. I come home sad, my parents asking and then I go out to a playground. Keep in mind that it was in secondary school. People are usually grown up and are more emotionally stable while I was still the same boy in the past.

 

I remember one day I got caught by my parents when I said I fell and hit my knee or arm. They asked me to show them and when I did they didn't see anything. That's how I got caught. Ever since I told myself that I need to be honest and tell them because they have more experience than me and can help me. They are there for me.

 

Then all sort of things happened. They were asking me questions like how long has this happend? Why are you lying? and so on. I also remember that my parents said that I need to change. If I do not I would get bullied everywhere I go. I listened and I had it in the back of my head, but it did take some time.

 

Eventually I started to stop going alone to a playground and started on a football team which helped me and helped me not. It helped me to take my mind of school, bullying everything. Most importantly to be discipline. I was just focusing on the ball and to do good in training. Guess what? I got bullied there too and my parents knew that.

 

From there they didn't want me to go out of the house. They wanted me to go to school, do good and come home. So I did that a few years. I also got to learn more about life and their experiences.

 

BUT at the same time problems came along the way. There was a situation where my parent's got tired of hearing me with all the problems and eventually they stopped to tell me things. Because normally I tell them what happend, they ask question and then they tell me what to do. It's their way of parenting. Since they stopped I didn't know what to do in different situations and what to say.

 

I convinced them to not give up. Sometimes they would talk for 2-3 hours which was too much. Sometimes they would get mad and scream at my face. Yeah even tho they have experience I just didn't feel they put it in good use. I learned a bit.

 

One day the guy that bullied me was starting again. He stopped for a while tho, but yeah I reacted and got mad. It was the first time actually. I got so mad that I threw a stone at he's head... yeah it got bloody. That was the end. No more bullying. I got more friends. I changed, I was acting like a guy. At least that's what I thought so.

 

This ended in class 1 in primary school, so I still had 2 more classes before going to high school.

 

So I mention that I got a lot of friends. Most of them was guys and I'm talking about all the guys from my class. Not many girls. I was feeling myself like the days when I was in the kindergarten. Later I found out that they were using me because I was smart and could help them with homework. I ended the contact with them and only 2 of them was real a friend.

 

High school: High school was the only school were I could feel like a normal student. This was also the time were I came out of my comfort zone and started to talk to girls. Remember that this was in high school which since I'm 23 was like 3-4 years ago. That is not a lot.

 

Bottom line: Because I got bullied my social status was also destroyed in primary and secondary school. I had a mediocre parenting. A friend told that I knew since kindergarten and primary school said that I might have Autism because I was never really into conversations and I didn't catch up. My parents also says the same, but how do I know FOR sure that I have Autism? is there a test?

 

and some of my friends say that I don't have it. It's just me not knowing what to talk about.

 

As of now, I'm 23 and have 2-3 real friends. Still alone tho. When I was younger I always said that the girls would come it takes time. Well I'm 23 and I already feel like I've met my soulmate... I just ruined my chances

 

The girl that I've been writing about in my thread had a similar past than the girl after. Yeah I was with a girl after. Her name was Steffie. So Steffie and the other girl was like really connecting with me. more so because all of us three had a bad pasts of getting bullied. But all in all I think it's because of me lacking experience with women.

Edited December 5, 2018 by Tagalz

[GinON]

I don't think anyone here can determine that you have autism or not. You may have some autistic tendencies or just have some self esteem issues. Getting bullied is an emotional trauma and that creates stress and if you don't release it it can trap it and create all sorts of emotional problems. You have access to mental health care in Norway, I assume. I would seek it out and get some therapy. Make an effort to work on the things that you don't like but dont expect change overnight, give it a year of hard work.