Maintaining a distaste for someone despite the timeline.

[E-Squared]

Are people still like this? Say if you don't like someone, depending on the reason (And some of the people, people dislike others for irrational reasons, not just because you did something to someone), and if you haven't seen this person in years, do you still maintain the dislike for that person, even if the person isn't the same as they were back then? I mean I can tell you that I held a grudge against someone for years, but I later let it go. I mean I wouldn't go so far as to want to be friends with this person, but I don't hate the person like I used to.

 

Then I heard my folks talking about some issues with people from years ago and even after so many years, some people will still act a certain way towards that person. I am not saying that the person should like the other, but to have a distaste towards that person after a certain amount of time, even for a trivial reason or for a not-so-trivial reason is stupid.

 

What is your take?

[basil67]

I am not saying that the person should like the other, but to have a distaste towards that person after a certain amount of time, even for a trivial reason or for a not-so-trivial reason is stupid.

 

What is your take?

 

My take is that distaste and not liking a person are the same thing. It's a much lower feeling than actively hating them.

[E-Squared]

My take is that distaste and not liking a person are the same thing. It's a much lower feeling than actively hating them.

 

I suppose you didn't read the rest of my post. I get what you meant, but I am talking about maintaining a distaste for someone, even though you haven't seen that person in a long time. Say if you had a distaste for someone years ago. Then when you see that person again, your negative feelings for that person still hadn't changed.

[gaius]

Sure, I hold grudges, because I've learned over time that if you're a vile enough human being to get on my **** list then nothing good can come from me taking you off. Even if years have passed.

 

Maybe you deal with a nicer crowd than I do but the only solution that's appropriate for some in my life is the bootheel. No matter how old they get.

[Simple Logic]

Some people are more forgiving than others and some misdeeds are more difficult to forgive than others.

[Ronni_W]

, but to have a distaste towards that person after a certain amount of time, even for a trivial reason or for a not-so-trivial reason is stupid.

Some people will hang on to their emotions and feelings without ever again examining or evaluating the original cause/trigger, or if their feelings are still valid or applicable current-day.

 

We ought not to, however, think that we know enough about any given situation to be able to judge other people's reasons as 'stupid', 'trivial' or significant/important.

[major_merrick]

Some people are more forgiving than others and some misdeeds are more difficult to forgive than others.

 

 

This. Pretty much. I tend to believe that it is difficult for people to change, so the situation is unlikely. If someone has truly changed, I'd think the difference might be noticeable enough to be convincing.

[basil67]

I suppose you didn't read the rest of my post. I get what you meant, but I am talking about maintaining a distaste for someone, even though you haven't seen that person in a long time. Say if you had a distaste for someone years ago. Then when you see that person again, your negative feelings for that person still hadn't changed.

 

Yeah, I read the rest of your post. I am quite comfortable maintaining a low level distaste for someone. Not enough to be toxic to myself, but enough to know they are someone to stay away from.

 

That said, people can change. If they demonstrate sustained change, I'm happy to give a re-do.

[Ronni_W]

If someone has truly changed, I'd think the difference might be noticeable enough to be convincing.

That should be the case, yes;

but, in my experience and observation, some people become so stuck in holding onto their grudges and resentments that it blinds them to any true changes that the other person has made.

[basil67]

Now when I said I'd give a re-do if I saw change, it's only if they were annoying. My ex-brother in law tried to burn down my parents house while they were sleeping inside. No forgiveness for that. I wouldn't pee on him if he was on fire.

[E-Squared]

Sure, I hold grudges, because I've learned over time that if you're a vile enough human being to get on my **** list then nothing good can come from me taking you off. Even if years have passed.

 

Maybe you deal with a nicer crowd than I do but the only solution that's appropriate for some in my life is the bootheel. No matter how old they get.

 

Okay, I have an example for this. One person I remember thinking was a friend was a lying and manipulative scam artist. She did me wrong, enough that after I pieced everything together after the denial that I had towards her, I hated her with a burning passion. Being that it's been almost 10 years since I had any sort of contact with this person, I am not as angry with her like before, but I wouldn't want to allow her in my life. If she changed at all and were to apologize for what she did, it would be a very big maybe, but bordering on no. The same could be said about another person who tried to manipulate me out of money, no matter how much I tried to get out of doing it. Except with this person, I wouldn't be opposed to burying the hatchet, but that's ONLY IF she were to own up to what she did. But I remember in hindsight, she had her own version of an apology, when before, she was turning it around on me and telling me I was selfish for not loaning her money. There is a side of me that believes that she thinks that she was in the right for it, even though what she did was indefensible.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think people change all that much. Some do grow up & mature.

 

If somebody burned me so badly that I had to kick them out of my life as opposed to just drifting apart but still being cordial on occasion when we meet, I will always keep them at arm's length.

 

That doesn't mean I am not compassionate. For example, a woman who wronged me in my early 20s had her son get in a terrible accident, leaving him in a wheelchair when we were in our 40s. I had certain charitable connections that I was able to engage to help the family retrofit their home to be handicapped accessible. The woman reached out to thank me & ask if we were now friends. I explained that I still do not trust her nor do I wish to be friends but what happened to her son was tragic & not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I was only putting that phrase into practice.

[Beachead]

Are people still like this? Say if you don't like someone, depending on the reason (And some of the people, people dislike others for irrational reasons, not just because you did something to someone), and if you haven't seen this person in years, do you still maintain the dislike for that person, even if the person isn't the same as they were back then? I mean I can tell you that I held a grudge against someone for years, but I later let it go. I mean I wouldn't go so far as to want to be friends with this person, but I don't hate the person like I used to.

 

Then I heard my folks talking about some issues with people from years ago and even after so many years, some people will still act a certain way towards that person. I am not saying that the person should like the other, but to have a distaste towards that person after a certain amount of time, even for a trivial reason or for a not-so-trivial reason is stupid.

 

What is your take?

 

Hey OP,

 

Generally, if someone burned me or broke my heart, I eventually forgive them..with time. I'm not capable of maintaining my anger unless it was something very extreme. Life goes on and new memories just wash over the pain. That being said, I don't forget what they did and I may not allow those people back in or to return to the same position I granted them in my life. That's not to spite them, that's to protect myself from going through similar situations with them again.

 

The reason I'm like that now is I used to give people chances back in the day. I'd chalk up their bad behaviour or actions to simple misunderstandings. I'd listen to their excuses and forgive. I would understand what they did, see their perspective and hope they would show me the same kind of respect and stop said behaviour. But they often returned back to their original ways that that lead to similar problems and I found myself dealing with the same issues again. Having gone through that many times in life, I simply don't have as much patience or tolerance for bad behaviour now. Now, I will only talk to a person once about a problem. If nothing changes, I distance or stop talking to them altogether and I don't let them back in.

 

Unless something profound or traumatic happened to someone in their life such as death in the family, a break up, being diagnosed with illness etc..I have found people don't typically change in the blink of an eye. They often change gradually over years with time and life. Sometimes, they don't change at all.

 

Therefore, I think what we choose to do based on how someone treated us in the past all depends. There are things in life that are unforgivable. Then, there are things people do and depending on what we value and prioritize as important to us, can make or break a relationship. Especially if its consistently harmful. And sometimes, the reasons for being upset and being angry for so long are plain stupid and petty and we are being unreasonable or unrealistic with ourself and with others. All depends on the situation.

 

- Beach

Edited December 11, 2018 by Beachead