Things were going great, then...

[ElChantor]

I am single and the OM in an affair with a colleague in the same office building, but completely different business units and very little work-related contact.

 

We hooked up for the first time when her husband went back to his home town to prepare for their wedding (they had signed papers 1.5 years earlier but never had the ceremony). She said she hadn't had sex with her husband for nearly 6 months because she doesn't love him but feels trapped into the wedding due to everyone's expectations, particularly her parents. I believe it because some of my colleagues who are close friends with her mentioned she said the same things to them, so it's not just for my benefit.

 

I spent the whole weekend at her place and it was great. After that, we would secretly meet up during lunch and after work. Then, she asked me to be a groomsman in her wedding ceremony. (Groomsmen and Bridesmaids all chosen by her). She said she's dreading the wedding and just wants to see me there while her nightmare is happening. I agree to go.

 

She is local Chinese, and so is her husband and all their friends and family. Very few of them speak English, but when it came time to do her wedding vows, she made some excuse to everyone and did them in English! I almost felt like she did that for me. After the wedding, I didn't ask her about it and she came to me herself and told me that she was thinking of me when she said her vows and wanted me to understand what she was saying. I was floored.

 

A few weeks later, her husband finds out she is seeing me and all hell breaks loose. He starts stalking her, threatening physical violence, and tells her parents about her bad behavior. She finds him to be weak and pathetic, and they stop even sleeping in the same bed together. She says he's just a roommate to her now. She tells me she's planned a trip to Hawaii next April with herself and a girlfriend, and wants me to meet her there too. Unfortunately, her parents come down on her very hard, and she says her number one responsibility in life is to try to make her parents happy.

 

She also finds out I was hooking up with another colleague, but I explain that was before we started hooking up and as soon as we did I broke it off with the other colleague.

 

One day, while having lunch, she tells me she thought it over and wants to end it. She's tired of the constant fighting with her husband and her parents and just wants things to calm down. She says her husband and parents convinced her that she doesn't love me, and she doesn't feel that I love her. While I'm not surprised by this outcome, I am shocked about what she says about our love. We talk over text about it over the next few days, but as this is too impersonal I ask to go out one night and talk about it with her face-to-face.

 

That night, we have a long heart-to-heart discussion (5 hours). By the end of it, we are making out and have declared our undying love for each other again. She tells me her medium-term plan (6 months or so) to divorce her husband and appease her parents. Just let things calm down on the home front for a few months, then pull the trigger. I suggest maybe I shouldn't go to Hawaii but she insists that I join her there.

 

The next few weeks are great. Last week, I went to Laos for holiday and she tells me she has nothing to look forward to because I won't be in the office. During the holiday we are constantly texting and sending pictures and updates.

 

Then, I come back last Saturday. We hadn't seen each other in 10 days and I'm really looking forward to seeing her at a mutual friend's birthday party. During the party I have to keep it cool for obvious reasons. After the party we go for a walk together and have some idle talk. I try to put my arm around her but she seems not comfortable and almost wanting to pull away. At the end, she gives me a hug, I tell her I missed her. She doesn't say anything and leaves without even a goodbye kiss.

 

She doesn't text me over the next couple days, and I try not to initiate as well out of fear of looking desperate and crowding her space.

 

One thing we always tell each other is to be honest with our feelings and just put it out there so there's no misunderstandings between us. She loves how she can just be herself around me without pretending all the time. So on Monday I do tell her that I sense she's acting different, that she's backing away for some reason. She responds that she feels she's doing that too and she doesn't know why. She laughs it off as herself being emotional. I tell her I will give her some space and she thanks me for knowing her so well.

 

She starts texting me again, (pictures of food, what's going on with her day, her workout, etc.) but no more terms of endearment (honey, dear, babe, etc.).

 

Since then I try not to initiate too many texts. She still initiates, but keeps it platonic. It's been going on like this for three days now. She did call me honey once yesterday when I mentioned I left some gifts from Laos for her on her desk. Aside from that, we're chatting like normal, except without all the endearments and lover's talk.

 

I'm not sure what I should do now. I'm afraid if I allow this to continue, we will devolve back into just friends. At the same time, I know the emotional strain of being with me is tough on her and she is looking for a semblance of stability in her life. I know they still sleep apart because the other night she sent me a picture of her reading in bed and she was on the sofa. She even told me she went through their closet and separated everything between her and her husband "because roommates should not have their stuff combined together".

 

I know I definitely should not push her, but should I back off even more? Maybe I am too available and responsive and that is turning her off a bit? Or should I trust that she's just going through an emotional state and will come back on her own?

 

I reminded her she never has to be afraid to tell me anything, so I'd like to think she would just tell me if there is something else wrong. Am i being too naive?

 

Is she testing me to see if I love her, or testing herself to see if she loves me? I think the latter but the fact that she said before she didn't feel my love has me wondering.

 

I want to hang in there with her at least a few more months to see if her divorce plans amount to anything. Also, our trip to Hawaii together.

 

Unfortunately now I am traveling for work but I have arranged a lunch with her next Monday and will probably talk about it with her then.

 

What is going on and how should I deal with this situation? Appreciate any input, insight, feedback, comments, and thanks!

Edited December 5, 2018 by ElChantor

[BaileyB]

Things were going great, except... for the husband.

 

I think she has told you a story and you have bought every word, no questions asked.

 

To be honest, you lost me at “we first hooked up when her husband went back to to his hometown to prepare for the wedding...” I mean, what kind of respectable woman does that?

 

Dude, you made the mistake of trusting someone who should not be trusted. This woman has played you both, and she continues to do so...

Edited December 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[Normm]

We hooked up for the first time when her husband went back to his home town to prepare for their wedding

 

 

There's something really wrong with this.

[anika99]

Something is really wrong with this woman. She has proven that she is capable of enormous deceit and contempt. I've never heard of anything so disrespectful as not only inviting the OM to the wedding but going so far as making him a groomsman. That is so selfish, so contemptuous, it's evil. And you went along with this. You aided her in disrespecting her whole family by going to that wedding and making it a mockery. You both have serious issues with boundaries and honesty. This is not going to end in your favor.

[Amethyst68]

You actually agreed to take part in her wedding, you stood there as part of her husband's wedding party and actually felt like she said her views to you.

 

You seem to have no problem with this st all.... the sheer disrespect you showed this man and their families. The last you could have done was stay away, the best was tell him the truth.

 

I hope she does leave him, not for your sake but for his, he deserves to start a new life.

 

As for you, if she can disrespect her husband that much how well do you think she'll treat you once the newness wears off.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I get family pressure and all, but no one forced her down the aisle. She did that by her own volition. And if she succummed to the pressure to get married, do you think the family will give her a free pass to get divorced - dust settled or not? Unlikely.

 

Advice? Leave her be. If she is going to divorce, best that she do it without you waiting in the wings.

[ElChantor]

You all make very good points. I realize there's no future in pursuing this dead end. And even if she does divorce, if I am around I will be the one who is blamed and there is no happy ending there either.

 

The things we did are terrible. Ironically, it's our somewhat sociopathic personalities that attracted us to each other in the first place. In retrospect, I suppose two people like this trying to have any kind of relationship beyond friendship is almost destined for failure.

 

I trusted her because I recognized so much of myself in her, and here was finally someone who I felt really understands me. But it's time to end this and for all of us to move on.

 

Thank you all for your blunt honesty. Any further comments and feedback are appreciated!

[DKT3]

You all make very good points. I realize there's no future in pursuing this dead end. And even if she does divorce, if I am around I will be the one who is blamed and there is no happy ending there either.

 

The things we did are terrible. Ironically, it's our somewhat sociopathic personalities that attracted us to each other in the first place. In retrospect, I suppose two people like this trying to have any kind of relationship beyond friendship is almost destined for failure.

 

I trusted her because I recognized so much of myself in her, and here was finally someone who I felt really understands me. But it's time to end this and for all of us to move on.

 

Thank you all for your blunt honesty. Any further comments and feedback are appreciated!

 

Smart move wanting to end it.

 

My guess is she is full of it, but what if she isnt? Doesn't change anything, she is still married and still not willing to end her marriage. Thing is, most married people don't intend on leaving, the intent is to selfishly maintain for as long as possible.

[Simple Logic]

I have to admit that having the guy your ****ing on the side in your wedding as a grooms-man is a unique concept.

[whichwayisup]

she asked me to be a groomsman in her wedding ceremony. (Groomsmen and Bridesmaids all chosen by her). She said she's dreading the wedding and just wants to see me there while her nightmare is happening. I agree to go.

 

That's really messed up! I hope you see this? She has such little regard, no respect for her husband. She has been cheating on him before she said her vows and to include you in their wedding is a big old FU to him. I'm sure it gave her great satisfaction to pull that off. No wonder he lost it when he found about the A and it was you.

 

Ask yourself what it is you actually "love" about her?

[ElChantor]

A quick (or not so quick) update...

 

So we met up last night at a colleague's going away party and eventually end up in a corner having a long chat about our situation.

 

She says she's trying to get over me, hence she initiated LC. She loves me, but maybe not in a romantic way. She can be cool if she doesn't see me, but as soon as she does she can't control herself and wants to be by my side. She tells me she and her husband have come to an agreement to continue faking their marriage for now. She thinks she's being a bitch and hates herself for being messy with me and unsure about herself.

 

I tell her she needs to figure herself out and that I won't be used as her emotional crutch or "backup guy", and I hate it when she treats me that way. She says she knows that and it's another reason why she loves me. I tell her not to play games with me and she says with me, she never does.

 

I tell her we had a pretty cool thing but it's over. I fell really hard for her and chose to stick around for awhile so she shouldn't blame herself. As the Chinese like to say, it takes two hands to make a clapping noise. But I know now it's hopeless and we should all move on.

 

She's hesitant and says maybe she's just worried I can get over her so quickly. Next week we are all going to Macau for our annual meeting, and she asks me to promise not to find her in her room because she will not be able to control herself. I tell her I've pretty much resigned myself to not hanging out with her AT ALL while we're there.

 

She then leaves the party but we continue to text. She tells me again she loves me, even though she hasn't quite figured out how exactly, but she thinks she does. She says I'm irresistable to her and that when she sees me, she feels like she's looking in the mirror at herself and that she knows what I'm going to say before I say it.

 

She's doesn't like annoying complications in her life and wants to keep things simple. She has no idea how we became so complicated. I tell her I want to be there for her, but I can't do it this way, and we need to face up to the fact that it's not working.

 

She then asks me what I think we should do. (I thought I told her?) Before I have a chance to answer she says she's really sleepy, hasn't slept well all week, and needs to sleep now. She wishes me sweet dreams, pleasant weekend, and will see me on Monday for our planned lunch. So I leave it at that.

 

I have to say being able to say those things to her was a great weight off my heart. Although she started it, I will continue the LC. I don't think I'm strong enough to do NC. But I do feel myself slowly pulling away from her as well. And the fact that I will be traveling for work 80% of the time over the next 8 months will help alot.

[ElChantor]

That's really messed up! I hope you see this? She has such little regard, no respect for her husband. She has been cheating on him before she said her vows and to include you in their wedding is a big old FU to him. I'm sure it gave her great satisfaction to pull that off. No wonder he lost it when he found about the A and it was you.

 

Ask yourself what it is you actually "love" about her?

 

I do see how FU it is. I suppose at the time I thought it was a romantic gesture.

 

I justify the way she treats her husband by the fact that she doesn't love him, and borders on actually despising him. Of course, what kind of person would allow themselves to fall into a marriage with someone they felt this way about? I'll just say Chinese children have incredible parental pressure and I told her as a Westerner, it's something I will never fully understand the weight of and I think it's sad and unfortunate that she's not able to break out of that. She even joked with me once that we can't be together until her parents die. That gives you an idea of the sort of pressure Chinese parents put on their kids.

 

I find her incredibly sexy and attractive, and the fact that she doesn't think she is and is insecure about it makes me love her even more. She says the same thing about me.

 

We're also both highly functioning Omega type people and I don't think either of us have ever experienced being with another Omega. We're able to see past each other's facade and get right to the honest truth, and we're comfortable doing that with each other. There's something that just clicks with us.

[ElChantor]

I get family pressure and all, but no one forced her down the aisle. She did that by her own volition. And if she succummed to the pressure to get married, do you think the family will give her a free pass to get divorced - dust settled or not? Unlikely.

 

Advice? Leave her be. If she is going to divorce, best that she do it without you waiting in the wings.

 

Totally agree, it has to be done completely independent of my involvement. The family will not give her that free pass at the moment. She told them she doesn't love him and she's unhappy, but for Chinese families, social standing is of utmost importance. A daughter who divorces is bad enough, but one who does it within months of her wedding ceremony? Unforgivable. Thus, she has to bide her time.

 

At one point, she tried to collect evidence about how psychotic her husband was becoming to provide social proof that she should divorce.

[Bluebelle38]

I can't believe you were a groomsman at her wedding. That is so twisted. You are both disgusting. Jesus Christ this made for shocking reading.

 

She used you. That is blatantly obvious.

[Amethyst68]

At one point, she tried to collect evidence about how psychotic her husband was becoming to provide social proof that she should divorce.

 

I'm sorry, after all she's done she's trying to prove her BH is the psychotic one. Think she's the who deserves that title!

 

All this talk about not meeting up when you go away so why meet for lunch? What's the difference?

[Starswillshine]

People using labels like "Omega" and thinking having you stand up at their wedding was a romantic gesture???

 

JHC!!!!

[ElChantor]

I'm sorry, after all she's done she's trying to prove her BH is the psychotic one. Think she's the who deserves that title!

 

All this talk about not meeting up when you go away so why meet for lunch? What's the difference?

 

I'm not sure, maybe I need closure. I know I'm not ready to go full NC on her.

 

I need to hear from her what's going through her mind. I know what she's going to say, that she's confused about me and just wants to go back to keeping things simple in her life. And the easiest way she thinks she can do that is to live in a sham marriage to please her parents. But I still want to have that conversation with her. I guess it's an ego thing on my side.

[pa2k]

Is she Western born Chinese, or Chinese born and living in China? Parental pressure may be great, I get that, but arranged marriages haven't been a usual thing in China for decades, and in HK for a generation or more. Also, they will be disappointed, but unless there were always problems, they won't disown her.

They are who they are, and will act the same way no matter what she does, or who she is with.

 

Marrying her husband was ultimately her choice. Maybe it is easier to have financial security and social status and have fun on the side, but that is what she chose, not her parents. She can divorce him and be with you....if she wanted. She is just not choosing to do that now, and avoiding conflict with her family is the easiest excuse to have to not leave. It's on par with the familiar story here "He is staying for the children", "He can't leave until he is prepared financially" etc.

 

There may be some small differences in culture, but ultimately, we are all the same.

[Orokotikki]

When (more likely than not) her husband finds out, you may end up in true physical danger. You would be wise to permanently extricate yourself from this situation. Things like this deep and needlessly cruel betrayal which she has perpetrated on her husband with your assistance can make people snap. Even the meekest man can become deadly under such circumstances.

[overtherainbow1]

I do see how FU it is. I suppose at the time I thought it was a romantic gesture.

 

I justify the way she treats her husband by the fact that she doesn't love him, and borders on actually despising him. Of course, what kind of person would allow themselves to fall into a marriage with someone they felt this way about? I'll just say Chinese children have incredible parental pressure and I told her as a Westerner, it's something I will never fully understand the weight of and I think it's sad and unfortunate that she's not able to break out of that. She even joked with me once that we can't be together until her parents die. That gives you an idea of the sort of pressure Chinese parents put on their kids.

 

I find her incredibly sexy and attractive, and the fact that she doesn't think she is and is insecure about it makes me love her even more. She says the same thing about me.

 

We're also both highly functioning Omega type people and I don't think either of us have ever experienced being with another Omega. We're able to see past each other's facade and get right to the honest truth, and we're comfortable doing that with each other. There's something that just clicks with us.

It's funny how much you believe her.

 

Ignore the negative, accentuate the positive. Sweep all problems under the rug.

 

"She hates him", "She doesn't love him", "Me and her/him have something special".

 

This woman has to be "in love" with you and her husband has to be a POS, otherwise she takes all the blame for her own actions. How could a wayward ever do that??