Some pointers [on affairs] from y'all's perspective?

[Sunlight72]

Hello all,

firstly I'd like to offer encouragement to anyone working through the aftermath, or struggling with the process of detaching from an affair partner.

 

I am a 46 year old man - married my first girlfriend at 22. We had incredible chemistry for about the first 2 years we were together - like we had sex together in our dreams while sleeping, and powerful sex together. She later cheated on me with at least one man, and at least one woman, which went on indefinitely. She wanted a divorce from the beginning of the cheating, and after 3 years I conceded and we divorced. It really hurt (of course).

 

Married the second woman I dated at 30. We also had great chemistry for the first year. Spiritual visions during orgasms, the whole nine yards. After 3 years together, she wanted a divorce (did not cheat or anything), and after about 6 months I conceded as she was not open to counseling or even talking with me about things.

 

I've tended to be easy going toward life, and more loving, nurturing, and watch my woman for cues that she is interested in getting sexual at the moment than at being direct and sensually aggressive.

 

I have a friend (woman) who just ended a two year affair with a Married Man. My friend is single, and has not been in any other relationship right before or during this. She shared with me that she did not mean to have any kind of relationship with her MM. In fact, she blew him off when he would flirt for like a year before the day their affair started.

 

I've read threads in this section over the years, and the Affair Fog you all speak of is something I heard a lot about from my friend.

 

If any of you care to answer, I am really curious if you would tell me -

 

- is good sex what outweighs almost everything else?

 

- outside of sex, how important is it to reënforce attraction that the man does what he wants without asking what the woman wants. Do you know what I mean? I don't picture myself doing this to the neglect of my woman's respect and well being, but as an extreme example - is this a trait that MM display that can keep the attraction insensibly strong?

 

- my friend said the sex was really good with her MM - he didn't ask, he just initiated sex, right from the first time. They did not kiss or hug the first time they were sexual, he just directly initiated which she said got her incredibly hooked right out of the gate, and set the tone for the rest of the 2 years. I wonder if that take-charge, undeniable desire on the man's part is a big part of what is so hard to walk away from?

 

I am engaged now, and my fiancée and I have strong chemistry. However, looking back I realize in my earlier relationships I focused a lot on being a helpful, listening, romantic partner - and over time I lost the edge I had in any direct or aggressive way. I can see that this was a significant contributing factor in both marriages losing steam.

 

As things got cooler between myself and both my wives, I became more pliant, which made things worse. I now understand this, and have since practiced not drifting that way, which has worked well in two long-term relationships. I would like to understand a little better though, and make this engagement and marriage work well.

 

In a relationship I am naturally very attentive. I used to be quite deferential, and now I feel I am more balanced in speaking up versus listening. Though I still err on the side of listening, I am aware of it and better at stating who I am and what I want than I was before.

 

I have learned to be more direct, but I also know I must remain conscious that I am assertive in life generally (toward my colleagues and the world as much as with my mate, which is harder).

 

I am trying to get a clearer picture of what is so powerful for women as to enter and maintain an affair at the risk of everything else. Not that I would strive to go to that intensity, but so I do understand what keeping an 'extra 20%' of assertiveness would likely contribute to the longer term chemistry with my fiancée.

 

Does that make sense? I haven't thought about this from this angle before - it just occurs to me as I am reading a couple threads here this evening.

 

No emergency going on, no sense of anything I am worrying over. Just wanting to continue to do better in my understanding of how to keep things fresh and vibrant.

 

Many thanks for any thoughts.

Sunlight

[FMW]

I think what allows affairs to happen and to continue are things that likely don't have a lot to do with a healthy, long-term relationship. Affairs are a different animal completely.

 

I think the strong hold xMM had on me started with a lack I was feeling inside. Without that lack he wouldn't have been able to draw me in so easily. I felt kind of numb in general, wasn't feeling any emotions very strongly whatsoever. I felt like I was sleepwalking through life. I think that was a result of my staying in a dead marriage way longer than I should have. I shut down.

 

xMM was very persistent and confident and take charge - so yes, that had a lot to do with it as well. The sex wasn't anything special in the beginning but became amazing as I "woke up" and started really feeling things again. After not feeling for so long it made it all just so much more powerful and hard to see clearly and rationally.

 

I would probably advise not to relate your friend's experience in her affair too much with what you should do in your healthy and loving relationship. She, for two years, got something she needed from this guy. But whatever that was wasn't enough to keep it going.

 

You sound like a very thoughtful and self-aware guy. Sex is important, but a solid emotional and mental connection is going to hold things together for the long haul. Great sex should come from that connection, not the other way around. So as long as you have that with your fiancee, you're golden

[WasOtherWoman]

I am trying to get a clearer picture of what is so powerful for women as to enter and maintain an affair at the risk of everything else. Not that I would strive to go to that intensity, but so I do understand what keeping an 'extra 20%' of assertiveness would likely contribute to the longer term chemistry with my fiancée.

 

 

Sunlight

 

So you can't compare a single woman, like your friend, having an affair with a married man to a married woman engaging in an affair.... two different motivations and situations.

 

For a single woman, there are really not risking anything (well, except total heartbreak and devastation). They are not risking a current relationship, financial and child custody issues, etc. They generally enter into a relationship with a married person for the same reason that they would a single person.

 

For a married woman to engage in an affair generally means that they are unhappy in their marriage (fewer women "cheat for sport"). In many cases, when a married woman engages in an affair, they are well into being dissatisfied with their marriage. The risk generally means that they are willing to pay the consequences which may include ending the relationship that they are already unhappy in.

 

This, of course is my opinion, but i have been reading on this topic for many many years now, and it appears to be generally accurate.

[What_Did_I_Do]

No, the sex wasn't that amazing that I would throw away my dignity, family or anything else I valued in life. Not a chance.

 

For me, and this might relate to your current relationship, when I was married, my xH was an extremely passive man. And I'll put that into perspective...if we were out walking and a homeless person approached us to ask for money or whatever, xH would tuck behind me and made me handle the matter. I am a smaller female, not assertive, aggressive or wanting to deal with confrontational situations at ALL. So, during our marriage, I was forced into the leadership role, dominant parent, partner, planner, sexual initiator, everything.

 

After a couple of decades, I wanted out of the M. No longer wanted to be the alpha. Along came the MM. He was a leader, disciplined his kids, carried that male confidence. That was my hook. The rest is history (and if I could rewrite that history, lord knows I would).

 

Anyway, for men, I think many of you walk a fine line between being that alpha male but also sensitive enough to identify your partner's needs without becoming a doormat. Not easy.

[Lotus_Luna]

I can’t really answer your questions because we didn’t have sex, we were physical.

 

I initiated. He has been in a sexless martiage and isn’t confident making a move. Years of rejection made him nervous and he just couldn’t seem to pull the trigger. But he would take over once I started, very dominate sexually.

 

We were affectionate, cuddles, holding me, stroking my body....

 

I **** my husband. It’s empty and purely ****ing....

 

Maybe AP made love to me. He took his time discovering my body and took me in. I was so arroused by him because he was gentle emotionally with me.

[Sunlight72]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.