Am I crazy?

[Ijyokwe]

My wife and I are separated and headed towards divorce after 20 years of marriage. My issues are the biggest reasons for divorce, but I would like feedback and insight, especially from women, on a few issues in our marriage that she refuses to acknowledge any problems, just that there’s something wrong with me.

Extended Family Issues. My wife comes from a large family (13 kids).

1. The first day of our marriage we discussed not wanting to have our car decorated so we hid the car a few blocks away. At our reception her brother pressed her for the location of the car and she told him. When we discussed it later she said “he’s my brother I can’t say no to him.”

2. The day we got married one of her brothers moved in with us and another a few months later. She used to stay up late with her brother(s). Our neighbors even complained about how loud they were late at night when I was at work.

3. In 20 years of marriage we have had one of her siblings live with us for 8-9 years. We even have one of her sisters living with us now that is also going through divorce. She’s sleeping in one of the bedrooms and I’m on a mattress on the floor of our family room.

4. At one family gathering my wife told 3 of her siblings and their spouses that 2 of our children were conceived in their parents house. To me this was a major breach of trust. She didn’t see anything wrong with it.

Finances and Life Decisions.

5. All the major parenting, financial and life decisions for at least the last 11 years have been made by her. She may ask me my opinion on what we should do, but if we differed in opinion I would often hear “my sister says...” or “the internet says...” and we do what she wants.

6. For the last 11 years I have made $100-185k per year. We have lived paycheck to paycheck all of that time. The money was spent on houses, home improvement projects and alternative (and ineffectual) medical treatments.

7. She fell in love with a beautiful, large, old house. It was at the high end of our price range. We went to see it together. I brought up the concerns that it was a bigger house than we needed, more than we could afford and that I hate old houses because I hate home improvement projects. My wife then states she had received inspiration from God (we are religious) that we were supposed to buy the house and that her 2 single sisters and their 4 kids were supposed to move In with us.

We moved after 7 years because it was bigger than we needed and more than we could afford, In the end we spent about $80,000 on various home improvement projects.

8. We moved to another house for about 18 months and last year we were coming through a rough patch in our marriage she immediately asked to go look at a house she was interested in. I said, “I was ok with going to look at it” and “open to moving in the next year or two.” When we looked at the house she immediately fell in love and had to have it. I expressed concerns that it might not work for me because there were 2 stairwells and 2 rooms where I couldn’t stand straight up. She told me simply that I didn’t have to go into those rooms.

While looking at the house 2 of her sisters noticed I was upset and they asked me if I was ok with it. When I expressed concerns to her sisters they seemed genuinely concerned. My wife’s response was cold, unfeeling and heartless.

She has since said that she pushed th move Incase tha marriage didn’t work out. It was completely pre-meditated.

9. My until our last falling out my wife wanted us to buy a place for one of her sisters to live without regard to what that would do to us financially. We have 5 kids with college, religious missions and marriages to save for.

10. Dogs. About one year into our marriage I was still in college, she was pregnant and we were living in a small rental house. She came home from the pet store and exclaimed she wanted a puppy. We went to the pet store and I tries to say it wasn’t the right time/circumstance in our life to get a dog. She grabbed my hand and excitedly jumped up and down and chanted “can we get a dog? Can we get a dog?...”. Needless to say we got a dog, which we had to get rid of a few months later when we moved. We had to get rid of another dog due to the dogs emotional issues and put another one down due to it biting children.

[PegNosePete]

Well, just my opinions....

1 and 2: there were 20 years ago. You've been married for a long time since these issues so you are legally deemed to have forgiven her.

 

3. If having a relative stay with you was a problem then you should have brought it up sooner and told her that your vision of married life means living together as husband and wife, not husband and wife and sister in law. Again you have let this fester for far too long to complain about it now.

 

4. Well minor personal detail leaked but I don't see a big deal here really.

 

5. You should have said "no".

 

6. You should have said "no".

 

7. You should have said "no".

 

8. You should have said "no".

 

10. This was also 19 years ago.

 

Most of what you mention is very very old stuff which has long past the informal "statute of limitations" for being upset about. That doesn't mean you can't do anything about it: it doesn't mean you can't divorce, it doesn't mean you have to stay with someone you don't love and don't want to be married to any more. But most of these things can't be used as grounds for divorce in a legal sense.

 

If you want to divorce then just see a lawyer and file. She doesn't have to acknowledge any of the problems. She just has to sign her name (and even that is not compulsory if she refuses).

[FMW]

The situations you describe are certainly valid reasons for being upset.

 

The problem is you started the precedent, early on, of going along with what she wanted regardless of how you felt. It sounds like she's used to getting her way and doesn't see any reason for it to be otherwise. After all these years the "rules" have been established and now you are taking issue with them and she can't understand why.

 

Over the years all of these things eroded what you felt for her, bit by bit. So now you find yourself where you are today. Things will be rough for a while, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

[standtall]

OP, you are not crazy...just weak. Why are you sleeping on a mattress on the floor? If I paid what you claim you have, you can bet the bank, that I would not be sleeping on the floor, and that sibling would be out of the house. Now, go find your nuts and take charge over there.

[GinON]

I am not religious so I am not exactly sure how this works:

 

Tell her God spoke to you this time and told you that you should not put up with things you are unhappy anymore. God said it was OK to say "No."

 

If she argues, tell her to talk to the man upstairs. That way its not your fault and she can't be mad at you.

[Mr. Lucky]

she refuses to acknowledge any problems, just that there’s something wrong with me.

 

And she would be right. As others have pointed out, you refuse to stand up for yourself.

 

No one unilaterally makes all the important decisions, forces you to to sleep on the floor or moves people into your house unless you allow it. Hard to blame her for pushing you off the marital cliff when you've voluntarily set up camp at the edge.

 

Ijyokwe, have you ever spoken to a counselor or therapist? You need a way to find your voice and the courage of your convictions...

 

Mr. Lucky