Opinions about infidelity

[zouz71]

It's becoming a trend on LS/Social media , that when a person is betrayed by a spouse , people jumps directly to catastrophic advises .

 

 

I believe that when a woman /man treats / forgive each other in the same way they treat their adult SOn or daughter , then resentment is much less.

 

 

 

 

Am I the only person feeling that ?

[basil67]

Yeah, I don’t see infidelity as an automatic dealbreaker.

[zouz71]

Yeah, I don’t see infidelity as an automatic dealbreaker.

 

 

We are human , we do mistakes , I don't like extreme way of thinking , such as :

once a cheater always cheater , etc .

 

 

I cheated once emotionally more than physically , won't defend myself ,

 

but I always believe that you can't push ppl to the corner all the time , in my case i stayed faithful more than 15 years .

[elaine567]

We are human , we do mistakes , I don't like extreme way of thinking , such as :

once a cheater always cheater , etc .

 

 

I cheated once emotionally more than physically , won't defend myself ,

 

but I always believe that you can't push ppl to the corner all the time , in my case i stayed faithful more than 15 years .

 

 

OK so you are viewing it from a cheaters point of view, so of course you feel you need forgiveness.

How much resentment do you think your wife now harbours?

There are people on here who are still suffering and triggering decades later from a spouse's infidelity.

Rug sweeping can be a great relief especially for the cheater, but internally for the BS the damage is still done...

Many stay for the marriage, for the vows, for the money, for the kids but the heart has been kicked out of them, it and they are never really the same again as long as they stay put.

 

 

That is why many on LS suggest divorce - ie get out of the cycle of misery, of lack of trust, of fear and dread and move on and start again.

[DKT3]

The thing is, the actual cheating, while bad, isnt what ends the marriage most of the time. It's the stuff that comes with it. Lies, not accepting responsibility, gaslighting, continued cheating or contact with the person they cheated with. That is what ends the marriages. When people come here and the community sees that their spouse is doing these the best advice is divorce.

 

Divorce is along process and once started can always be stopped.

 

Advising someone to stay with an abusive spouse is never a positive thing, infidelity is abuse, the unfaithful will disagree but it absolutely is.

[viatori patuit]

In a word, yes.

 

As a reformed cheater I can tell you the path my ex wife should have and did take was divorce. I was done. The cheating was just an unhealthy way of dealing with it.

 

 

If my wife cheated I wouldn't need this place to tell me to dump her. Emotionally damaged relationships like that are too much effort.

[WasOtherWoman]

I think it really depends on the individuals involved and, also, their ages and life experiences. Many years ago, before i was an OW, i was a BW. Had been with my then-husband 8 years, got married and he had an affair 8 months in. I thought about it, decided that I was not going to let him turn me into the type of person who would be snooping, and questioning and all of the things that come with recovering from an affair and kicked him to the curb.

 

I knew i would not forgive, so why put us through it? Looking back on the situation many years later, i have some different feelings about affairs, their causes and aftermaths, etc. I can see my part in why he may have decided to cheat (although that decision was on him....).

 

But - frankly, IMHO, infidelity is certainly not the worst thing that can happen. But back then, i really was not mature enough to understand all the dynamics that went along with it.

 

If you can't get past it, divorce is definitely the way to go.... no point in putting the both of you through continued misery...

[standtall]

Physical cheating would be an instant deal breaker for me...just saying. Everyone is different.

[WasOtherWoman]

Physical cheating would be an instant deal breaker for me...just saying. Everyone is different.

 

Interesting, because I feel like an emotional affair would be much more hurtful to me than a physical one. Everyone IS different!

[Simple Logic]

It's becoming a trend on LS/Social media , that when a person is betrayed by a spouse , people jumps directly to catastrophic advises .

 

 

I believe that when a woman /man treats / forgive each other in the same way they treat their adult SOn or daughter , then resentment is much less.

 

 

 

 

Am I the only person feeling that ?

 

Let’s just say there are people giving advice that are still hurt from their experiance, looking at their experiance with 20/20 vision, and assuming everyone’s circumstances are the same as theirs.

 

One might also note that most the victim stories are from this perfect spouse that got **** on. People fail to realize there are two sides to the story and some of these cheaters were checking out of a bad marriage and the victim accounts are only one side of the story.

.

Edited December 5, 2018 by Simple Logic

[BaileyB]

Lets just say, I am always surprised by the hurtful things that some people will do to the people they promise to love the most... But even more disheartening, I find it very sad what some people will tolerate from their spouses.

[carhill]

I believe that when a woman /man treats / forgive each other in the same way they treat their adult SOn or daughter , then resentment is much less.

 

IME with MW's, they're far more likely to work through betrayal and lying with a child (adult or minor) than with a spouse. I've seen some doozies in both arenas and have a few where both have gone off the rails. Children are forever, husbands can be replaced. However, the higher the social and monetary relative value of the husband, the more likely resentment will be tempered by the aura of value. I call it the JFK effect.

 

When young it was pretty simple, lying and deception wrong, eject human. Black and white. Reality as an older person appears to be somewhat different. I've seen far more gray over life than black and white, and not just in the area of spousal infidelity, but also lying in general, abuse, theft, betrayal. Mixed bag. People handle resentments in their own unique way.

 

My usual advice is, if the marriage had a secure foundation before the betrayal, and the spouses are on the same page on recovery, seek to work through it with an eye on continuing. If other, move on.

[AmyHershaw]

My initial reaction to infidelity is to end the relationship, because then the trust is broken and trust is crucial for a healthy relationship. Having been cheated on in the past, I can be paranoid and have little confidence, and it has affected me in relationships I've been in since then. Being cheated on is emotionally painful and can ruin one's self-esteem. Although I understand every relationship has its positive and negative moments, if one individual is unhappy in the relationship, they should discuss it with their partner. I had reached a point where I was miserable in my previous relationship as my partner was being unkind to me, but there was never a moment where I contemplated going with someone else, I instead tried talking to him about it and then I ended the relationship when nothing was resolved. I would find someone breaking up with me a lot less painful than finding out they had been seeing someone else behind my back.

 

Some couples choose to stay together and work through things, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with, it just takes time to earn back someone's trust once it's been broken. I suppose it depends on the individual and if they believe the relationship can work irrespective of the infidelity.

[standtall]

Interesting, because I feel like an emotional affair would be much more hurtful to me than a physical one. Everyone IS different!

 

That's because...hypothetically speaking...if my wife were to bang somebody else, she would already have an emotional connection to that person beforehand. With myself, based on my attitude towards sex before I met my wife, I can have sex with a woman and not give a rat's ass about her. I think you will find most men are like this. Of course, the "most men" part don't typically post here about their feelings, so the poll results may vary.

[elaine567]

That's because...hypothetically speaking...if my wife were to bang somebody else, she would already have an emotional connection to that person beforehand. With myself, based on my attitude towards sex before I met my wife, I can have sex with a woman and not give a rat's ass about her. I think you will find most men are like this. Of course, the "most men" part don't typically post here about their feelings, so the poll results may vary.

Ok so the "dealbreaker" is essentially the same - emotional connection.

But what if she was just in an EA, no sex, is that a dealbreaker for you?

Or is a case of degree perhaps?

EA+ PA = huge emotional connection implied.

EA alone = not so much of an emotional connection implied.

[Els]

<snip>

 

Am I the only person feeling that ?

 

Yup.......

 

[]

Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote, fix spacing and topical content

[Whoknew30]

I feel The same way. I personally think it’s the same with humans, as a species dealing with any tough situation...generally, there’s those that are mentally & emotionally stronger than others.

 

I’ve personally have never seen a person that was “truly” mentally & emotionally strong before they were cheated on, allow cheating to make them permanently jaded. Initial reaction is different IMO vs once someone has a chance to process. The only people I’ve seen extremely scarred from cheating (whether they stayed or not) are those that didn’t exactly have high self esteem & or weren’t exactly mentally & or emotional strong to begin.

[Lotus_Luna]

As in many things, people over simplify.

 

My friend had a full blown affair on her husband... emotional and sexual... she fell in love and nearly left her BS.

 

Does that make her a heartless lying monster?

 

Because he husband was a non functioning alcoholic who was addicted to porn and couldn’t even hold a job. He didn’t give a **** about her or the kids.

 

Suddenly you see a grey area. It’s not as simple as she is a bad person and he’s innocent. The relationship itself had become toxic and both parties were sabotaging it.

 

They worked through it. He’s forgiven her for the affair but she struggles to forgive him for the abuse and addiction. And ultimately will never be happy with him but is doing ‘what’s right’...

 

I know other couples who addressed the issues head on that weakened the marital bond and moved forward with no regrets.

 

But I do think when the affair ends or is found out both parties tend to act on insecurities and fear of abandonment. Instead of seeing the marriage clearly they may desperately cling to the sinking ship without the real tools or self awareness to change course.

[Mr. Lucky]

The thing is, the actual cheating, while bad, isnt what ends the marriage most of the time. It's the stuff that comes with it. Lies, not accepting responsibility, gaslighting, continued cheating or contact with the person they cheated with. That is what ends the marriages. When people come here and the community sees that their spouse is doing these the best advice is divorce.

 

Agreed. It wasn't the Watergate break-in that derailed Nixon, it was the cover up. Same with a WS.

 

It's becoming a trend on LS/Social media , that when a person is betrayed by a spouse , people jumps directly to catastrophic advises .

 

I think they're oftentimes trying to provide the BS with both a shortcut and glimpse of the future. Very few WS are willing and able to do the hard work involved in restoring trust and rebuilding the marriage, in part because many are already "done" by the time they cheat.

 

So while it may seem "catastrophic" to advise someone married 20 years with 3 kids to dump their cheating spouse, 90% of those that don't spend an unhappy lifetime eating a diet of poop sandwiches. The Greek chorus here just tries to help a BS avoid adding insult to injury...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zouz71]

Elaine , I am not defending my self , I was guilty and paid for it.

Back in 2014, the EA which I committed lasted less than a month and ended by my confession ,

paying the highest punishment later helped me rebuild my integrity.

My marriage is now stronger after reconciliation,

 

 

The funny thing is nowadays happening in front of me with close friends and relative,not with me

 

 

2 families gets destroyed, cheaters marry each other and becomes the most faithful to each other !

 

 

If the are cheaters by trait then how can they stay loyal?

 

 

Another two families got destroyed just bec of social media rubbishy ,

The wife is feeling betrayed , she asked for divorce, their business collapsed , kids were moved to a small house , changed school , suffering from trauma, just bec of social media , believe it or not nothing more !

[WasOtherWoman]

That's because...hypothetically speaking...if my wife were to bang somebody else, she would already have an emotional connection to that person beforehand. With myself, based on my attitude towards sex before I met my wife, I can have sex with a woman and not give a rat's ass about her. I think you will find most men are like this. Of course, the "most men" part don't typically post here about their feelings, so the poll results may vary.

 

Yep, agree with this. I really think this is a man / woman thing also. Women generally DO need to have an emotional connection with someone prior to engaging further. As i said on another post, women rarely "cheat for sport".

I also think men place more emphasis (i may be wrong, this just seems to be the situation generally though) on the physical part of someone being with their woman.

 

As a woman, i would honestly be more hurt if my husband truly had a deep emotional connection with another woman, than if there were a one-night stand.

[elaine567]

As a woman, i would honestly be more hurt if my husband truly had a deep emotional connection with another woman, than if there were a one-night stand.

 

Both are deal breakers to some women, but for a woman who has decided to stay with her cheating man, the emotional connection is a much bigger threat to her marriage/relationship than a one night stand.

Few men will leave her over a ONS, but some will leave for "love" and that is the worry over emotional connections.

 

Also a ONS, especially with a stranger can be seen as a physiological response, probably not premeditated and often influenced and/or instigated by drugs or alcohol.

An emotional connection is more premeditated, it involves sober reflection, it involves deliberate and calculated betrayal... it is often seen as more hurtful.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also a ONS, especially with a stranger can be seen as a physiological response, probably not premeditated and often influenced and/or instigated by drugs or alcohol.

An emotional connection is more premeditated, it involves sober reflection, it involves deliberate and calculated betrayal... it is often seen as more hurtful.

 

Drugs and alcohol don't break down character, they reveal it. And any drunken ONS isn't based on a single choice, you have to break through a number of healthy barriers, commitments and red flags to get there.

 

While I understand your point, you're still dealing with many of the same major issues as a LTA, just compressed in a shorter period. As is often said, no one even tripped and landed inside an AP...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kitty Tantrum]

I've never cheated or been cheated on that I know of, so it's all hypothetical to me. I WAS ok with Ex-H stepping out. I don't see it as cheating in that case, though.

 

I would be upset if it was an emotional affair. That might be a dealbreaker for me.

 

I would definitely be upset about being lied to/kept in the dark about it.

 

Over-the-top pissed if the infidelity turned out to be costly financially or socially.

 

But frankly, if my husband is meeting my needs in the relationship, good provider/breadwinner, not actually jeopardizing our marriage, still wants to BE married, exercising appropriate discretion, not lying to me about it, etc... I'd probably be willing to look the other way.

 

It depends so much on the specific details and circumstances of the situation. There's no way I could have any sort of blanket policy about it.

 

I'd rather a good man who is honest about dicking around a bit (and I do believe these exist) than a man who lies to me about pretty much anything.

 

In fact, after my first marriage I developed a bit of an inner mantra that I've never really shared with anyone before: "I'd rather have a husband who hits me and cheats on me than a husband who expects me to pay his bills."

 

Might sound horrible, but hey - we've all got our own priorities!

[Starswillshine]

It wasnt a complete deal breaker for me. I tried to fix it, he faked "trying".

 

If someone is truly remorseful and committed to fixing themselves and their marriage, then I think a marriage can be stronger after. But without 100% effort, best time walk away.

 

I walked away.