pepperbird Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Drugs and alcohol don't break down character, they reveal it. And any drunken ONS isn't based on a single choice, you have to break through a number of healthy barriers, commitments and red flags to get there. While I understand your point, you're still dealing with many of the same major issues as a LTA, just compressed in a shorter period. As is often said, no one even tripped and landed inside an AP... Mr. Lucky It's like accepting an excuse from a drunk driver who says" It's not my fault I wet off the road. I was drinking and didn't know what I was doing". Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Human are not angels , the do mistakes. if spouses can love each other in the same way they love theiir children then they really love each other as they described in vows , otherwise the vows and untill seperated by death is a lie , it should be enhanced to satte " Until replaceable "... So we need to choose , either vows are BS and we are replaceable , or we as human make mistakes and it is normal to learn from those mistakes. An affair is not a "mistake" . It is a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Am I the only person feeling that ? Boom. Done. I'd be out the door. Who needs enemies when your 'best friend' cares so little for you or the world you've built together that they could stab you in the back like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Physical cheating would be an instant deal breaker for me...just saying. Everyone is different. Def agree! For me any type of cheating=you are done. Its not something someone does accidentally, unless they are raped, otherwise they can remove themselves from that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 An affair is not a "mistake" . It is a choice. Not arguing nor defending , stated this many times , I cheated emotionally for a short period of time , I admit that , and of course it was made by choice , and it was around 2013-2014. My point is that : we are human , we are not Gods , we make huge mistakes as human . the point is that , when you decided to forgive your husband , then at that point of time I believe it is self destruction to keep slashing yourself and him ,and here where i compared forgiving a partner of a son for ex for some betrayal , because when we forgive an adult son or daughter we really do most of the time , but not the same with spouses ; I recall my father forgave my brother when he financially deceived him , but couldn't when his wife did the same .... I can sense that you are still hurt , and that is not healthy in my opinion , Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) Def agree! For me any type of cheating=you are done. Its not something someone does accidentally' date=' unless they are raped, otherwise they can remove themselves from that situation.[/quote'] When talking about infidelity and forgiveness ,we can also consider other issues that are not related to cheating , suppose for example your spouse secretly steal money from you , it is an intentional betrayal , I personally sees it as a more serious distrust .... What I wanted actually to emphasize in this thread was surprisingly an advise rather than defending my case , i am guilty to death , now what ? I met one day an old woman , very old woman , who told me , when a woman treats her man as if he is her child , she can own his mind , heart and soul , so my advise to you ladies here in LS , treat your husband as if he is your Son , and see the difference ... That's my 2 cents . Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Figure any infidelity topic is going to end up with a bunch of screeching about infidelity being bad, people who've had affairs, the vast majority of humans at some point in their lifetime among them, being bad, ad nauseum. It's being going on since the beginning of the internet, and before, and will go on long after we're all dead. I got your topic, about how we may or may not treat spouses/partners the same or differently than our children (minor and adult) when they harm us or betray us or lie to us or cheat us, and what are the negative and positive effects of that. The reality is humans aren't programmable machines of perfection, rather we're erratic, illogical, emotional, hypocritical, arbitrary, flawed organisms. We have great moments, sure, but also really lousy ones too. Apparently, we tend to forgive our offspring more and more often for being human when the frailties of that condition harm us than the same with a spouse/partner. We treat them differently. That's part of what makes us human. We discriminate, for better or worse. Perhaps it's ironic that the most violently and passionately expressed emotions of anger are often those seemingly over the vagaries of reproduction, for if it were not for nature driving us to reproduce, matters like infidelity wouldn't exist. We wouldn't be mating to breed and being territorial about other humans. Of course we probably wouldn't exist as a species and sometimes I ponder if that would be a good thing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I met one day an old woman , very old woman , who told me , when a woman treats her man as if he is her child , she can own his mind , heart and soul , so my advise to you ladies here in LS , treat your husband as if he is your Son , and see the difference ... That's my 2 cents . So what you are advocating is that women need to have unconditional love for their husbands/bfs/partners... Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 So what you are advocating is that women need to have unconditional love for their husbands/bfs/partners... It is biderectional , the message is to men too,... It is not to love unconditionally , it is to proceed after making a choice , if one forgive he/she shall proceed in their life with or without the partner. I just despise generalizations ... I've seen a lot of woman here , either left with so much bruises because of the infidelity or stayed with a lot of resentment , The logic is , if you stay love your spouse as if he is your son , if you leave , just wave calmly , Let it go, I like carhill post Chateaux bas , Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 It is biderectional , the message is to men too,... It is not to love unconditionally , it is to proceed after making a choice , if one forgive he/she shall proceed in their life with or without the partner. I just despise generalizations ... I've seen a lot of woman here , either left with so much bruises because of the infidelity or stayed with a lot of resentment , The logic is , if you stay love your spouse as if he is your son , if you leave , just wave calmly , Let it go, I like carhill post Chateaux bas , If only those emotions were so simple... as to just let it go. Because if they were, I would absolutely LOVE a shirt cut through all the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 It is biderectional , the message is to men too,... It is not to love unconditionally , it is to proceed after making a choice , if one forgive he/she shall proceed in their life with or without the partner. I just despise generalizations ... I've seen a lot of woman here , either left with so much bruises because of the infidelity or stayed with a lot of resentment , The logic is , if you stay love your spouse as if he is your son , if you leave , just wave calmly , Let it go, I like carhill post Chateaux bas , Are you a parent? I'm beginning to think the answer to that is "no". I don't like to compare an affair to a crime, but for the sake of argument, one of my adult kids, in a fit of anger, stabbed me. Would I still love them? Of course. My next steps would be determined by their actions. If they accepted responsibility, sought out counseling and worked hard to not ever do that again. I could forgive them and we could continue to have a loving relationship. It might take a while, but we could get there. If they stabbed me and took no responsibility, blame others for their actions, tried to blame me for their actions etc., I would still love them, but there couldn't be much of a relationship at all. I couldn't trust them. If they were still little kids and not fully in control of their emotions/actions, I might be more open, but that's not a comparison to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zouz71 Posted December 12, 2018 Author Share Posted December 12, 2018 (edited) I am a parent of 2 adorable adult girls and a kid ,and yes as it happens to any parent , my kids takes me for granted ; they know That I will never ditch them , yet they know that a punishment , or action more specifically will take place when they do big mistakes. IMO the unconditional love to sons ,should be equivalent to vows , they are sacred , vows are not rules they are much profound , sacred. But at the end , we are not perfect , we sin , lie , etc in life , .... even GOD sometimes forgive , spouses especially Women rarely do . Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote and fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I am a parent of 2 adorable adult girls and a kid ,and yes as it happens to any parent , my kids takes me for granted ; they know That I will never ditch them , yet they know that a punishment , or action more specifically will take place when they do big mistakes. IMO the unconditional love to sons ,should be equivalent to vows , they are sacred , vows are not rules they are much profound , sacred. But at the end , we are not perfect , we sin , lie , etc in life , .... even GOD sometimes forgive , spouses especially Women rarely do . Parental love is often unconditional, romantic love isn't. Romantic love is dependent on conditions and once those conditions are breached, thrown away, discarded, ignored then the love fades and dies. One cannot unconditionally love a spouse who is showing by their actions that unconditional love is not there in return. Betrayal causes a deep rift in a relationship, as trust is one of the essential pillars. Wounds inflicted are painful and take a long time to heal, some never truly heal. Pragmatically people stay together for kids, for assets, for status, for lots of different reasons but the unconditional deep trusting love is often gone, ruined by the breach of trust suffered. Once love is gone it is difficult to get it back unsullied, so the situation tends to foster resentment, anger and seething discontent often accompanied by disappointment, sadness and even true depression. Blind faith, security and unconditional love can be replaced by suspicion, insecurity, indifference, dislike or even pure hate. We are humans not robots, we(gen) feel, we hurt and we often cannot forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Let’s just say there are people giving advice that are still hurt from their experiance, looking at their experiance with 20/20 vision, and assuming everyone’s circumstances are the same as theirs. One might also note that most the victim stories are from this perfect spouse that got **** on. People fail to realize there are two sides to the story and some of these cheaters were checking out of a bad marriage and the victim accounts are only one side of the story. . No marriage is perfect and both partners usually always contribute in some way to the breakdown of a marriage. With that being said when someone decides to stray from the marriage it amps up the problems significantly more and shows tremendous character flaws in that person's ability to handle a rough patch or difficult situation created by both. There are so many healthy ways to deal with marital problems other than adding substantially more problems than before. Jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to speak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 IMHO, the best medicine in handling a cheater is to cheat on them. It truly is quite ironic to observe and live the reaction of a WS when the BS reacts in such a manner, it's almost hysterical to watch them turn the table and preach how awful of a person you are for doing such a thing. As far as children go, they receive different treatment and hopefully learn from their mistakes with the advice/discipline they have received from parents. It's a parents duty to raise and shape their children, it is controlling to attempt to shape a spouse. Children and spouses are on different levels and cannot be compared. Link to post Share on other sites
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