Cancer turned my ex-fiancee into a different person

[Reltubsirch0412]

My fiancee and I recently split up.

 

Long story short, she got cancer. The treatments did some rough stuff to her body. She told me it was even doing some things to her mind, and that if she was cruel to me or even broke up with me that I should ignore it.

 

She had a few incidents with other people in public where she lost her cool and, if she'd gone all the way, might have even gotten arrested. This stuff is out of character for her.

 

Eventually, she did break up with me.

 

Before she did, though, she posted some unflattering memes on Facebook that I believe were directed at me. She never mentioned me by name, but the memes referenced specific things that could only be about me, which may or may not reveal what she really thought of me. Rather than get angry and lose my cool, I did as she asked — I ignored it.

 

All the while she was polite and friendly with me in all of her other communications. I wrote it all off as the side effects of the cancer drugs in her body and what it was doing to her body and, likely, her mind (her pituitary gland and her thyroid were destroyed....and those things are known to affect brain function and temperament).

 

Since all that, she broke up with me. We were close friends before we become a couple (we were even in a relationship briefly, many years ago). She asked me to check in on her regularly, once or twice a week, as a friend. I did as she asked. A month or two went by.....and she oddly accused me of not realizing our relationship was over and she started posting more unflattering memes on her Facebook page about me and my supposed cluelessness. Some of the memes this time were really below the belt.

 

So.....I just stopped reaching out to her.

 

Ten days have gone by, and now she's texting me again, acting like all is fine between us. I don't know whether I care to respond or not.

 

I've known this woman for 12 years. Her behavior now is out of character, and, right now, I don't believe she is the person I've known all these years. I still love her. I probably will until the day I die.

 

Thoughts?

 

Are the cancer drugs (including, at one point, Prednisone, and others) causing her to act this way?

 

Should I still try to be her friend?

 

And is there any chance the old her will come back, regardless of whether we get back together?

[Art_Critic]

Thoughts?

A few...

 

One is that since you have known her for 12 years then you also must know her close friends and family ? Have you tried reaching out to them to gauge yourself on how to proceed ?

 

The other thing is that if the cancer element was not in the picture I would say dump her and never contact her again but with stuff like this you should have compassion for those we love(d) and be supportive even if just on the friend level.

 

I would do as she says.. stop contacting her as you already have and don't offer any friendship at this point.. the next level might be a filed TPO on you and she will get tons of empathy from the courts.

I would also reach out to someone you know that you can trust and knows her and see if maybe their view can be of some guidance to you.

 

It's got to be a tough thing to go thru and watch happen to someone you love but you also need to protect yourself while showing compassion.

 

Good Luck.

[Reltubsirch0412]

What does TPO mean?

[Art_Critic]

Temporary Protective Order

 

I'm not saying she would do that but you are putting yourself into a situation being that she has now said you are not taking the hint...

[Reltubsirch0412]

How do I know this?

 

Because I've read too many articles about Facebook's algorithms. Look to the tic-tac-toe-like lineup of friends on the left side of your profile. Those are not random people. These are people you've either had some type of communication with, either private or public, on Facebook. If someone is in that lineup and you have not looked at their profile, nor have you talked to them in any way, then they are checking out your profile. And if that person shows up first in the lineup then they are most definitely stalking your page.

 

That's my ex-fiance. Every day. All hours of the day.

 

By the way, I am purposefully not looking at my ex's profile, nor am I talking to her on Facebook (we do text once or twice a month now, but that's it)

 

She's the one who ended the relationship. She did it because of health issues she's had this year, which I won't go into. She said she couldn't continue with her end of things because of her health. That was the reason she gave for ending it. But she also had concerns prior to that about us coming from different backgrounds and compatibility. That stuff never bothered me. We had AMAZING chemistry together.

 

We were friends for many years before we became a couple. She still wants to remain friends.

 

Assuming everything I've read about Facebook algorithms are accurate, WHY is she still stalking my profile everyday? Especially when she was the one who ended things?

 

Is this a sign that she's still in love with me?

 

Is there a chance we can get back together?

 

(I'm still in love with her, by the way).

 

Help me make sense of this, please.

 

I just don't understand the female mind.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know if I'd automatically make the assumption that she's stalking your facebook page based on algorithms. There are a LOT of factors that could cause that to happen - like shared friends, having worked at the same company, someone knows someone else, etc. I mean, I guess she could be looking at your page but I don't think it's fair to automatically think that's what's going on.

 

If you're that convinced and think there might be a chance for the two of you, then contact her again. However, if she had concerns about compatibility and background, those are very difficult things to get past. Loving someone does not a successful marriage make. Compatibility issues alone can shatter a relationship. Do you really want to go down that path again? Even if those things never bothered you, they apparently bothered her a great deal.

[nolanola]

I don't know if you had a chance to read my post, directly under yours, but staying friends with an ex right after a break up is a terrible, terrible idea. I stayed in communication with mine for 2 years as I was still in love with him and my heart is currently broken.

I know how hard it is when you love someone and want to be with them, but NC is the best way to heal. It is also the WORST because it sucks so hard in the beginning. Being in love is like being addicted to cocaine or something. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. When you stop, you want it back, even though you know it's no good for you. The only way to break an addiction is to stop using.

I would guess she's looking at your facebook because she's wondering what you're up to. No good can come from this. Maybe after some time has passed you can be friends, but right now I really think it's a bad idea. Please do not make the same mistake I did.

[Lobouspo]

OP, I think the advice to go no contact is sound. That means blocking her on social media. As for the Facebook stuff, I have been told there are ways you can see who is viewing your profile. Maybe some tech savy loveshackers can give some insight, because I dont know for certain. If you do still love hwr and think your relationship can be salvaged, by all means reach out. Just know as thr dumpee another rejection can rip the scab open again.

[d0nnivain]

She ended the relationship due to her health problems. She was probably misguidedly trying to be self sacrificing & not burden you with her issues. She has no idea that true love means you are not a burden. There is a reason that the words "in sickness and in health" and "in good times & in bad" are in traditional wedding vows. The couple is a team.

 

She didn't really want to break up. She just thought she had to. She certainly didn't want you to accept the break up. She wanted you to chase her, to prove that you really loved her no matter what. She was testing you & it sucks that she was playing such games. It shows that she is not mature enough to be married, so you actually dodged a bullet.

 

Now she stalks your FB page because deep down she's still waiting for the grand gesture she thought she was forcing when she broke up with you. If you chase her now & give it to her, you are in for a lifetime of pain. She will always react in this immature selfish fashion expecting you to fix everything with no mature input from her. She will know she can manipulate you.

 

I'm not one for a zero sum power game in a healthy relationnship, but that is what she's playing at. Proceed at your own risk.

 

Because you are still texting get in touch with her. Force a meeting. Lay your cards on the table that you would like to try again. Get her to talk to you. If she's not willing to own up to making a mistake by breaking up with you & to work to fix what's wrong, you have to end this for good & block her everywhere.

[Reltubsirch0412]

The woman who was my fiancee was diagnosed with cancer this time last year. The cancer was removed via surgery. Afterwards, to prevent the cancer from coming back, she agreed to participate in an experimental treatment for the pharmaceutical companies. Those treatments lasted several months.

 

Toward the end of those treatments, her personality started to change. She told me she started having feelings of intense hatred and animosity toward me....for no reason. She knew these feelings were unreasonable, but she said that was how she felt.

 

There were serious physical complications as well. The treatments did serious damage to her body. Her pituitary gland and thyroid, which both control brain function and temperament, were destroyed. She had to take Prednisone for a while. Then, as a substitute for having no pituitary gland or thyroid, she has to take a steroid for the rest of her life.

 

For all of this, I blame the drugs the pharmaceutical companies put in her body.

 

She told me she knew she was changing and that if she (1) was mean to me or (2) ever broke up with me that I should ignore her because she said that's not how she really feels.

 

Sure enough, a few months later, she broke up with me because she said she couldn't hold up her end of the engagement anymore, but she also said she wanted us to check in with each other regularly and to still be friends. She said she still loved me. I was disappointed, but, the way I figured it, she needed a friend more than a romantic partner. I texted her twice a week.

 

After a point, she started posting unkind and cruel things on Facebook. She didn't mention me by name, but it was obvious she was talking about me. She really hit me below the belt. No need to offer details, but it was personal and it was ugly. She even went after my parents for how they raised me. My parents saw her posts.

 

I did as she asked me a few months earlier....I ignored the mean and ugly stuff that she warned might happen. Later, she said the reason I kept contacting her was because I was in denial about our breakup...even though I was trying to be her friend (as she asked me to be).

 

This behavior, I suspect, is part of the personality change brought on by the drugs.

 

But I'm still torn. I would never tolerate disrespect like that from anyone. I feel angry sometimes that she disrespected me that way.

 

I have barely communicated with her the past month. I thought about sending her a well thought out letter or text calling her out for the ugly personal attacks on me AND my parents, but I don't really know what good it would do if she's under the influence of prescription drugs that have altered her mind...perhaps forever.

 

I should add at this point that she and I were a couple 12 years ago. We spent 10 years afterwards just being close friends before we became a couple again. This behavior she exhibits is totally unlike her.

 

To repeat, we've barely communicated the past month. I don't even know if I just have no contact with her or not.

 

(1) Should I have no contact?

 

(2) Should I send her a letter calling her out for her disrespect to me and my parents?

 

(3) Am I wrong to hope that one day the doctors might figure out the right dosage of medication to bring her back to her old self? And we might get back together again?

 

(4) What are your other thoughts on this?

 

I plan to move on and try to date other people after the holidays are over. I would sign up for dating sites now, but I know from prior experience that dating is difficult between Thanksgiving and New Years.

[basil67]

Wow, the poor woman sounds like she's been through the wringer. If her ability to control her emotions has been destroyed, there's no point saying anything. Putting someone in their place has relevance if they are able to make conscious choices about their behaviour but you describe damage to her body that she cannot control. Having a go at her will only make her feel worse about things she cannot control.

 

You say you blame the pharma companies for the outcome. If she hadn't tried the drugs, what would be her prognosis?

[Reltubsirch0412]

From what I was told, it was always possible that without treatment the cancer might come back without the treatments. But she doesn't know that for sure. Heck, the cancer could still come back.

 

I really loved this woman, and I guess I need someone to blame. She expected side effects at the end of these treatments...but nothing this extreme.

 

It's bad enough I lost her as fiancee/wife.

 

Now I've lost her as a friend too, I'm afraid.

[nolanola]

Someone upthread mentioned getting in touch with her family or friends to see if they have any insight, were you able to do that? If she's acting out of character with you, it's very possible that she's doing that with others.

 

Since you mention that she is aware of the fact that she is having irrational thoughts about you, I don't think you need to address that specifically with her again. However, you are going to have to take some steps to protect yourself and your emotions. Can you send her an email or call her and let her know that although you realize that the posts are not necessarily rational, they are hurting you and your family? That way you can set some boundaries (no contact I think would be best for a while and blocking her on facebook) but you can also let her know that you care about her well being.

 

It is possible that the medications she is taking are affecting her, but if this is becoming a problem that is causing her to alienate her family and friends, she needs to talk to her oncologist about it.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Losing a friend is almost worse than losing a partner -- I feel like true friends are harder to come by.

[basil67]

How about you and your family all blocking her on FB. You can't control what she posts, but you can control what you see

[Reltubsirch0412]

Contacting her family is feasible, but.....well, it's a long story.

 

The parents are very guarded people. They're polite to me, but they were never accommodating to me, if that makes any sense. It's not that they don't like me. They just don't seem to take well to outsiders.

 

If I contacted the parents then they would most certainly tell my ex-fiancee.

 

There are some other underlying issues going on with the parents that have nothing to do with me. I think they would do well to seek professional counseling to resolve some of their other issues, but, as my ex told me once about her and her parents. "We're not the kind of people who do things like that."

[healing light]

I'm in the alternative healthcare field and I would not hold out hope that this woman will change back into who you once knew after pharmaceutical companies destroyed her endocrine system. Chemotherapy agents themselves often contain heavy metal elements that have the potential for long-term repercussions (heavy metal toxicity often does lead to mood dysregulation, hormonal imbalances, etc.) and there's no speaking to whatever was in the experimental drugs....

 

I'm sorry, I know this must be tough for you. But it sounds like all your good intentions have been used as ammo against you and I don't see the sense in trying to reason with someone who is not cognitively sound and likely not in control of their impulses.

[Reltubsirch0412]

I'm in the alternative healthcare field and I would not hold out hope that this woman will change back into who you once knew after pharmaceutical companies destroyed her endocrine system. Chemotherapy agents themselves often contain heavy metal elements that have the potential for long-term repercussions (heavy metal toxicity often does lead to mood dysregulation, hormonal imbalances, etc.) and there's no speaking to whatever was in the experimental drugs....

 

I'm sorry, I know this must be tough for you. But it sounds like all your good intentions have been used as ammo against you and I don't see the sense in trying to reason with someone who is not cognitively sound and likely not in control of their impulses.

 

Thank you so much.

 

It's not at all what I want to hear, but it is FINALLY nice to hear from someone with some expertise on the subject. This helps. A lot.

[brownygoldy]

How is your ex-fiancee now? Any contact or progress with her health?

 

If so, please encourage her to look into Yoga/Meditation/Breathing/Ayurveda. I'm not suggestion this will reverse all the damage done to her, but it may help with regeneration of neurons and may allow her nervous system to relax to a level, enabling her to feel more in control again.

 

I don't know enough about it all to say how it could specifically help with her condition but do some research around it, there's a lot of evidence based information out there around these specific areas.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am a scientist and taking "natural therapies" for a cancer is the worst thing you can do. It's basically like taking placebo. Sure, there are no side effects because they don't do anything.

 

 

Chemo is nasty but it is the best option even with the side affects. Given that it takes close to a decade for a drug to get fully approved, it is common for cancer patients to be put in a clinical trial when there is a promising drug to get the benefits before formal approval. This would be at least in a Phase 3 trial, first 2 phases are there to prove that the drug is not harmful (or in the case of cancer as not harmful as possible). Contrary to popular believes, pharma industry is very tightly regulated.

[brownygoldy]

I wasn’t suggesting natural therapies for the actual cancer, rather the loss of hormone function which is affecting her moods. Again I’m not even saying that these therapies will restore hormone levels but there is evidence based research on how meditation, a brain-focussed technique can regulate mood. Hormone production and mood are linked. It’s just a suggestion for the OP to look into as there is a lot detailed information out there around these areas.

[JuneL]

A good friend of mine had a flare-up of allergies not too long ago and was prescribed a very short course of prednisone. She read that the side effects for longer-term use can be very drastic, including serious psychiatric episodes. She herself experienced very scary nightmares. It’s also important to taper it off properly, or else there can be potentially serious withdrawal symptoms. In my friend’s case, the prednisone prescription was entirely unnecessary. She wished the doctor had discussed the various options with her and let her pick the best option for herself. I also heard that some doctors gave out synthetic opioids like candies, when patients complained about pain in their bodies...

 

OP: Your ex may go back to her normal personality once the prednisone is out of her system. Not sure if that’s the only med causing her psychiatric issues though.