How to keep interest in a submissive

[jayteep]

Hello all. Im a 30 year old male.

 

So I met this woman in an online game we both play. We have been playing this game individually about 4-6 months. We have been personally playing together for about 1-2 months and we have been private voicing outside of game for about a month. We are both 30 years old.

 

We have hit it off strong I believe. We fall asleep with each other over our gaming headset. We both do more together than play games. We watch movies, TV shows, listen to music, share memes, have had voice and video sex.

 

She's vocal on how sexy and attractive she finds me. Im also vocal about it too. She has said she has missed me if I wasn't able to get on for a day.

 

The thing is, she is a submissive. Im not used to being either dominant or submissive so i'm not sure how to give her what she wants on that level. She has confided in me that she was with another person online and that she really loved him because he made her feel all sorts of ways and he could soothe her no matter what. The reason it didn't work out between them she has told me is he doesn't have a job and lives with parents still and don't go out to get a job to have money to visit her. So he has her heart. She has said if he came out to visit her, she'd be his. He's like 28 years old or something.

 

The way she describes it to me is he just knows what to say the right way in terms of him being dominant over her. That makes it seem like the strongest influence.

 

When me and her do stuff she calls me master and is very descriptive in sexual play. I have pleased her before and she said it was great. But i'm not completely in her head like that other guy. She showed me pictures of him and honestly i am way more attractive then him and that's unbiased i assure you. She tells me it's not about looks. You have to be attracted still but her attraction to others is not about the looks. I can be dominant and she really likes what i have done.

 

My biggest problem is i don't know what to do next. Like I can tell I don't have that "thing" the other guy has but it's clear she is into me. Im worried i can't help keep the attraction though. Like how do you keep the attention of a submissive person online and completely win them over? We have talked about visiting each other in person and my initial idea of it was to plan it like several weeks or some months away. When it was first brought up she seemed excited and asked how soon. Like she wanted it to happen within the two weeks. And i agreed, the next day however she said she is unsure and nervous. She said she feels this way because what if in person we don't like each other or there is no spark. She said she doesn't want to hurt me or for us to not like each other anymore after visiting in person.

 

We talk about the visit happening soon but she is wishy washy about following through. She is in the midwest, i'm From the north east.

It's a 13 hour drive. Im not sure how to proceed to further this or encourage this.

 

In the mean time how do I keep her interest and how should istep up my game? Like I try certain things and sometimes it goes great other times it seems like I fail as far being dominant. Not sure if it's cause i'm new to it. I have it in me to give her what she wants im just not sure how to do it and idon't know for sure exactly what to do.

 

Thanks to everyone who gives me feed back and advice.

Edited December 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[RecentChange]

You are trying to win the heart of a 30 year old woman who has a fantasy relationship with a guy who lives in the basement of his parents house..... They have never met in person....

 

Sounds to me like this woman most likely lacks relationship experience and or maturity. I would expect perhaps a 15 year old to fall for gammers that she met online... But not a grown woman.

 

So what is your goal here? Get her to fall in love with you and then try to manage a long distance relationship when you are 14 hours apart?

 

Online is so substitute for IN PERSON. You will never really know someone until you spend real life time with them.

 

Honestly this sounds like a waste of time. She likes to get caught up in the fantasy of these online relationships, but they are things that live in the clouds, and rarely survive reality.

 

As for this Dom/sub stuff. I tend to think you are or you aren't. Can't really fake it.... In person at least. Again, it's all fantasy.

 

My money is on her never agreeing on meeting you - she rather live in a make believe world.

Edited December 5, 2018 by RecentChange

[jayteep]

I really appreciate your response. Tbh something inside me already felt this way. I was hoping though that maybe I could be a part of a temporary fantasy and hopefully it would turn into a reality.

[basil67]

I think there's something to be said for finding a partner who likes the kind of sex you either know or can pick up instinctively.

 

Also, the way she talks about her previous sex life with you is icky.

[RecentChange]

Also, the way she talks about her previous sex life with you is icky.

 

You mean the "online" sex she has with her other gammer guy.

[chillii]

l dunno why you'd wanna be what she wants so much, especially if that isn't your thing anyway.

And what about what you want ????

Don't fall into the trap of trying to live up to someones expectations that usually doesn't end well, not to mention running second.

Not only does she sound a bit short of a few coins, but her heart is with another anyway.

Edited December 6, 2018 by chillii

[Simple Logic]

Just do a web search how to be a dom.

[jayteep]

So I wanted to add an update.

 

Why are people so confusing? Especially woman

 

So last night we had our usual all night video chatting. Um she said some like really positive deep heavy stuff. Like I've never been complimented to that extreme ever in my life. Like she made me feel like the best person in the world. I felt like the best man in the world. Like I've never had someone tell me stuff like that ever.

 

She described me how I also feel I come off. She described me as a confident Alpha, with also the sweet dorky side. How Im a jock type who is also a nerd. Im funny, witty, I actually know what im talking about and that I am deep and that I have an impressive depth to me. She described like every positive aspect of me and she said she likes everything about me so much. Like I wish I had this recorded. It was so amazing how someone divulged all this information to me. It was in context of what we were talking about but it still came out of nowhere and she was all shy and nervous about it. Like I can't imagine myself ever having something like that happen to me again.

 

Now what threw me off slightly is a little while later when we were talking about meeting up it was brought up that she does not love me and that takes time. It makes sense. But i'm confused by some signs. Like she enjoys and looks forward to us falling asleep while voicing. Like I already said before she has told me she misses me when I wasnt able to get online.

 

Like she seems to value me and like me and has even told me she has put me first as far as her spending time with me. Even over the one guy she loves.

 

Can someone really be into someone and show signs of loving them and not be in love with them? Like I wish you guys could see exactly what I mean. Like what is love compared to if someone is still into you? Like she talks about "what ifs" about us. Like living together and what we would do together, what she would do for me and to me.

 

My thinking might be wrong, but all the signs she gives me I see she has a deep interest in me and everything she shows would be something a lover or something a significant other would show the person they love.

 

A few days before this she admitted she is holding back a little, she has some walls up.

 

I just don't know, can someone show a lot of characteristics of love and being really into someone but still hold back? And why? If you love and care about someone, wouldn't you want them to know? Especially if they are reciprocating?

[jayteep]

Forgot something to add too. The first time I spent the evening and night out with friends, after I talked with her next she admitted to me she was jealous. If someone doesn't have feelings for you why would they be jealous?

[Wallysbears]

Next up she will be asking you for money.

[jayteep]

Next up she will be asking you for money.

 

Wth? She did. Just last night. I gave her a $20 money gram. Well, I was conflicted about it. I never had anything like this with a person so i'm kind of attracted to the situation.

 

I take it you had this happen to you before? It was creepy as heck when you replied that. Yes I am probably a sucker. But why does the situation feel so real? Like it's so real I can't imagine it being fake. Actors aren't this real or good in movies.

[Wallysbears]

I think the term is catfishing.

 

This online person is fake. It’s a scam. It may not even be a woman.

 

Log off and stop giving money to strangers.

[jayteep]

I think the term is catfishing.

 

This online person is fake. It’s a scam. It may not even be a woman.

 

Log off and stop giving money to strangers.

 

Well to give me the benefit of the doubt, I have skyped with her in video for past 2 weeks straight every night, several hours. She is definitely an actual woman. Maybe a manipulator, but I wouldn't say a scammer.

 

I mean we met through an online game and hit it off from there. She gives me her full attention and time and $20 will hardly break me or make her. I know I shouldn't have but this whole thing interests me and I've never had a woman make me feel this way.

 

She has confided a lot of personal stuff to me. Like deep deep stuff that's very serious. She legitimately acts like she cares about me.

 

She will send texts asking me what i'm up to and how was my day. Like there has to be something real here.

 

She's not stunningly beautiful so it's not like she can manipulate like that. She is sexy and attractive in her own way though and oh so playful lol

[Wallysbears]

It’s your life and money. Spend it how you would.

[basil67]

So here's the test to find out if she's real or a scammer. Don't send her money in future. If she keeps talking, then she is genuine. If she disappears, you'll know it was all fake and she only wanted your money.

 

A successful scammer is very persuasive. That's how they get under your skin.

[Gretchen12]

The $20 is very creepy. If she doesn't have $20 she can't even be online. Internet service costs money! And what about food and rent? She doesn't have $20? I think the $20 was to prep you for the next, bigger, sum of money.

 

And this thing about the dom/sub, you can't fake it, nor should you. Porn stars can fake any fetish but they're pros. You? I don't think you should even try.

 

Something is really missing in your life. Do you not see how your attachment to this online woman is kind of sad? You are 30, I assume you have a job, you can do much better in real life with real women, going out, not falling asleep with gaming headsets. C'mon! You can do better!

 

Even if this woman is not a scammer, I think you have a vulnerability and a void in your life that scammers look for. You know that not every man would give online game woman this much attention. Be aware.

[BaileyB]

This whole situation creeps me out. There’s absolutely no way that I would send this woman money or continue talking with her.

[jayteep]

The $20 is very creepy. If she doesn't have $20 she can't even be online. Internet service costs money! And what about food and rent? She doesn't have $20? I think the $20 was to prep you for the next, bigger, sum of money.

 

And this thing about the dom/sub, you can't fake it, nor should you. Porn stars can fake any fetish but they're pros. You? I don't think you should even try.

 

Something is really missing in your life. Do you not see how your attachment to this online woman is kind of sad? You are 30, I assume you have a job, you can do much better in real life with real women, going out, not falling asleep with gaming headsets. C'mon! You can do better!

 

Even if this woman is not a scammer, I think you have a vulnerability and a void in your life that scammers look for. You know that not every man would give online game woman this much attention. Be aware.

 

Yeah.... me and my most recent girlfriend/ex just broke up like a few days before this. I know im vulnerable. It's weird I know i'm sorry. Yes I have a nice carreer. Im also a gamer though.

 

This is the first woman I met that's into games that's also into me. So it's interesting and different

[RecentChange]

Dude she is working you.

 

Here's the deal - I'll go ahead and sound like a villian here (or perhaps a sociopath, take your pick) - but I know how to "work" certain men.

 

It's not all fake, I can genuinely admire them - but all the compliments to make you feel like a million bucks? Effective huh? I bet you gave her a lot as well. It's a cycle - feed the endorphins. Get your little pavlov's dog ping everytime she messages you. And she probably gets it too!

 

I have had guys wrapped up enough that the devil on my shoulder said "you could ask him for money, hell, you could probably get him to buy you a car!!" Perhaps I have a bit of a conscious, because I have stopped short of asking for cash. But it was very tempting to - heck some just offered.

 

She has no intention of ever meeting you. But she does like the attention you shower her with, and can lay the compliments on heavy to keep your attention, and now even your money comming.

 

She no doubts likes to attention to, and really likes interacting with you.

 

But in the end she is using you. There will be no sex, there will be no relationship - like I said before. It's fantasy - except you crossed the line and gave her real life money. Do not expect real life anything from her in return.

[Andy_K]

I have skyped with her in video for past 2 weeks straight every night, several hours.

 

Unless she knows you're very well off financially, I seriously doubt anyone would go to this sort of length just for the chance of getting a big payoff. So I think she's probably genuine.

 

Whether or not you'll eventually meet her is another matter. The online fantasy you have going now is familiar and comfortable. It's easy to get set in a routine. Meeting up is a big step. She might not be able to handle the stress or pressure of that, plus knowing things won't ever be the same afterwards.

 

If she's the sub, order her to meet up with you. Take control of the situation.

[Els]

I know this isn't your question, but this woman has told you straight up that she is interested in another man. Her actions have indicated similarly. Why do you feel the need to "win over" someone who isn't interested in being won over by you?

 

 

 

I'm not so sure about the scammer thing, since she would've spent almost a hundred hours with you for only $20, which is pretty horrible payoff, and there's no indicator that better payoff is coming. So I doubt that she's doing all of this PURELY as a money scam. But it is still pretty shady for her to be asking for money, even a small amount.

 

 

Also, I can't really diss the whole online-only fantasy "relationship" thing, since I had one when I was 18. But honestly, there's a very big difference between being in an online fantasy relationship at 18, and at 30. I would be very concerned about a 30-yo approaching relationships and life in that manner.

[Gretchen12]

Yeah.... me and my most recent girlfriend/ex just broke up like a few days before this. I know im vulnerable.

 

As long as you're aware. I think asking for $20 is worse than asking for $500. $500 makes sense, she may need that. But $20 is so weird!

[Kitty Tantrum]

LOL

 

I was holding off posting because I didn't want to be a negative nancy, but she's using you.

 

Yeah, it's "only" $20... from you.

 

Plus $20 from this other guy, $5 from that one, maybe a few hundred from the one who is well-off, etc.

 

Lots of "gamer girls" do this. It's a scam. It's like soft prostitution mixed with crowd-funding. She feigns interest in as many marks as she can keep up with and watches the $$$ roll in.

[jayteep]

Thanks for everyone's input and insight.

[jayteep]

I know this isn't your question, but this woman has told you straight up that she is interested in another man. Her actions have indicated similarly. Why do you feel the need to "win over" someone who isn't interested in being won over by you?

 

 

 

I'm not so sure about the scammer thing, since she would've spent almost a hundred hours with you for only $20, which is pretty horrible payoff, and there's no indicator that better payoff is coming. So I doubt that she's doing all of this PURELY as a money scam. But it is still pretty shady for her to be asking for money, even a small amount.

 

 

Also, I can't really diss the whole online-only fantasy "relationship" thing, since I had one when I was 18. But honestly, there's a very big difference between being in an online fantasy relationship at 18, and at 30. I would be very concerned about a 30-yo approaching relationships and life in that manner.

 

 

Well to clarify, the other guy never stepped up to go meet her in person. And that was a few years ago. She mentions that rarely keep in touch like they used to.