Should I Worry About My Husband's Porn Habit?

[Silently Coping]

First of all, I'll give you a little background. I have been with my husband for a little over 3 years, married for almost two years. We were both married before. When we first met, we were both living in my home state. Of course, as with most new relationships, when we first met the passion was undeniable. We had a lot in common we found, and we also a connection in the bedroom. It would not be uncommon for us to have two to three hour sessions at a time, multiple times a week. Of course, as time went on, they frequency diminished but I still felt desired.

 

We moved just a little over a year ago. Unfortunately, about 3 months into my moving here I had a serious injury which laid me up for quite a few months. During that time, he was my caretaker. He had to help me to the bathroom a lot, he would watch me sponge bathe as I stood there naked, and he had to help me shower when I was able to get into the shower. When I was starting to feel like myself, I began to notice that things were different. He didn't look at me the same anymore. I was getting worried, and I miss him to admit it, but I started looking at his browsing history. I found that he was very active on the porn...didn't sites. At that time I confronted him about it. He was very embarrassed. He said he didn't know why he watched it, it was just something he's always done. I guess I will add it this point that his ex-wife, and his girlfriend before me, he tells me neither one of them enjoyed sex so he was kind of used to that. I, on the other hand, how long has been such a passionate person. And, I have always greatly enjoyed sex. He stopped for a couple months.

 

I will add the room and you have sex, it is now very vanilla. His eyes are closed the whole time. He does not kiss me, he barely touches me. I myself have been struggling with some menopausal issues, and I have sought out treatment to correct the issues to make sex more enjoyable once again for me. However, that seems to have not made a difference. If we have sex once a month that's a lot for us. And, like I said, the quality is not there. I've been monitoring his internet browsing activity since probably April and he's on the porn sites on average 1-2 times a week. He seems to take advantage of it when he gets home early from work and or if he's out of town for work. I have not confronted him again because I don't want to embarrass him, but it's obviously becoming a real issue for me. I don't feel like I'm meeting my obligations of his wife or as a woman. But then I have a friend that tells me it's not even you, this is his problem. Our relationship other than this is good. I do have issues with his kids I struggle with, but that's a whole other sorry.

 

So, do I confront him again? If so, how? Do I even bring up the porn or approach it from a different angle? I will I add here that he has told me before I put too much emphasis on our sex life. That an injury he had back in his early twenties has impacted his ability to become arouse. He has never had a problem becoming hard. He does have issues with ejaculation. But my concern is that I don't even feel desired by him. He just has stopped looking at me in that way. And I miss it.

Edited December 6, 2018 by Silently Coping

[Guildford]

I would not worry so much about the pornography as the loss of his sex drive and passion. Men generally look at pornography (and some women as well), but it becomes a problem when your husband would rather look at pornography rather than engage in sex with you. Talk to him about how you miss your sex life, and tell him you can be flexible to overcome problems. Both my wife and I are semi-disabled, but we still enjoy a sex life.

[zouz71]

A healthy man would desire sex twice per week at least .

 

if he doesn't get it he looks for alternatives .

[Silently Coping]

Well, he could get it. I have intiated our last three sessions. I am not intiating again only to be shot down and/or have the feeling that it is some big shore.

[BaileyB]

The truth is, his porn use is not excessive or out of the ordinary. So, I wouldn't be very worried about that.

 

But clearly, something has changed for him and with your sex life. It's possible that the accident has affected him deeply, but you would think that it would improve as you have recovered. I would focus on that when you talk with him - if you can find the reason why he is no longer interested in sex with you, you will have a better chance of changing the situation.

 

Have you considered that it may not have been his ex's who didn't like sex in his previous relationships... Perhaps, he has a low sex drive and once the honeymoon period passed, he has settled into his "normal."

[Guildford]

If you have been requesting sex and he has been turning you down on a regular basis, then you do have a problem. Everyone in a monogamous relationship should be willing to have sex with their partner when requested, baring a physical disability or illness. Get him to talk about his problem and go to counselling, and if that does not work the next step is an ultimatum. Good luck.

[elaine567]

I guess he is just not attracted any more sorry to say.

I think that when you had your accident and required intimate care from him, he got turned off.

He maybe then saw you as an invalid, disabled or even "elderly.

 

The eyes shut, the lack of touching and kissing and the "duty sex", coupled with the increased porn use suggest lack of desire to me, but i could be wrong.

If it is lack of desire then am not sure how you can really fix that.

[carhill]

How do things go with foreplay outside the bedroom? Everyday physical affection?

 

IME, when married, it's when either partner starts having 'headaches' when it comes to the everyday stuff that the schism begins. Saw it in my own M, see it in others, have had innumerable MW's cry on my shoulder, not over sex but the everyday little things that keep the bond. I nod knowingly, not to get laid but rather as a fellow human who went through the same thing.

 

I'd worry about the porn if that becomes what he looks forward to rather than embracing and kissing you and caressing your body and flirting with your mind. Try not requesting sex, rather being sexual with him as part of everyday interaction; flirt with him. Accept that what he does is outside of your control. On your side, work with your doctor on getting your menopausal symptoms treated to make sex comfortable and enjoyable for you. As appropriate, masturbate to get the engine revved up; develop, if not already doing so, arousal fantasies.

 

If things don't improve on their own with your efforts, engage a MC and work it out there. If he loves his hand and porn more than you then, as our MC once opined, you have a decision to make.

 

One long-married MW recently opined to me that 'things change' wrt to the sexual and romantic parts. I've seen their interactions up close and having been married myself I know things can change. People also make choices. My dad was so right. Once people start treating their M as an accounting exercise it's doomed. Who did what when, or didn't do. Nit-picking. Destroyer of M's everywhere. Don't let it happen to you. Good luck and welcome to Loveshack

[BreakOnThrough]

I may be out of the ordinary, but I firmly believe that porn is detrimental to any relationship, it places a wedge between full intimacy with one's partner, in fact, fantasy in the form of porn, from a cerebral/mental perspective, is no different than performing the sexual act in real life, in my opinion, it is no different than infidelity. Furthermore, "marrying" and subjecting oneself to depressed, drug-addicted and depraved people, you become one with them. Sexual intimacy and connection becomes so profound when all the garbage is removed, it really is sad that people deprive themselves of such experiences.

[Kitty Tantrum]

He's still having sex once or twice a week. Just with himself instead of you.

 

Not sure if it's related to your injury and his caretaking, or if it's just the end of the honeymoon period, but it IS a problem if he's seeking sexual fulfillment that doesn't involve you and leaving you high and dry.

 

Porn is a huge problem for a lot of men. Once or twice a week might not sound like a lot to some people, but if his solo sex is undermining intimacy in his marriage because it's expending all or most of his energy and drive, if he prefers to jerk it instead of being intimate with his wife, that's not healthy. That's a potential sign of either addiction to porn, or other problems in the marriage that need to be sussed out and addressed.

 

My ex-husband was a porn addict. We were young and he had a strong sex drive, but after the first year or two of marriage and sex together, I started noticing similar things to what you described. Was like he wouldn't connect with me during sex at all. Eyes closed, no touching - just mechanical pumping away while basically watching porn in his mind because he was dependent on that third-person visual stimulation to get off. Engaging with me as another person was distracting.

 

In my ex's case, watching porn once or twice a week probably wouldn't have been a problem - because he had a lot of sexual energy to expend. Instead it was the default thing he reached for any time he felt any urge for sexual release. In his case that meant literally jerking it to porn for HOURS every day while I was at work, and then he'd squeeze out one more strained, obligatory orgasm for me at the end of the day.

 

If your husband only has the drive/energy for sexual release once or twice a week, and he's using that all up by fapping, it's the same principle.

[Simple Logic]

I may be out of the ordinary, but I firmly believe that porn is detrimental to any relationship, it places a wedge between full intimacy with one's partner, in fact, fantasy in the form of porn, from a cerebral/mental perspective, is no different than performing the sexual act in real life, in my opinion, it is no different than infidelity. Furthermore, "marrying" and subjecting oneself to depressed, drug-addicted and depraved people, you become one with them. Sexual intimacy and connection becomes so profound when all the garbage is removed, it really is sad that people deprive themselves of such experiences.

 

You do realize there are a lot of couples who enjoy watching porn together and have good sex lives and marriages?

[DKT3]

Porn isnt a problem for a guy his age...unless it were to cause his desire for you to diminish.

 

My wife had a serious health issue that required me to be her caregiver for a while. I will admit that it did somewhat diminish that super sexy image I had of her. However, I understood that what I found was a more intimate experience that wasn't sex based. In time her sexual attractiveness returned.

 

You should work out the hormones of menopause and try to maintain a connection, relationships are not linear but it you stay respectful and honest it will come full circle.

[standtall]

OP, porn does become a problem when it impairs the sexual relationship between a couple. In this case it has.

Now, he started seeking his sexually satisfaction..solo..while you were sick, which you admirably understood, and he admirably did without looking to 3rd parties. That is the way it is supposed to work, now it's time to bring him back.

 

What I would do is thank him for being understanding while you were sick, and it's nothing to be shamed or embarrassed about, but now you're available and need his desire for you. Tell him how you feel without being hostile and go from there....eg lay down some boundaries about how much sexual attention you need, whether or not you watch together, whatever.

[BreakOnThrough]

You do realize there are a lot of couples who enjoy watching porn together and have good sex lives and marriages?

 

 

They do, really? I disagree actually, if a person can watch other people fornicate, use external stimulation for gratification and honestly say that it has ZERO impact on intimacy between them, I give them full credit. In my experience, I have never met THAT person (couple), though, and I have sat with 100s of couples through the years, porn in any form is destructive to intimacy, it's a cancer. Using external stimuli has negative implications, in the case of porn, it almost always indicates underlying intimacy issues within a relationship. In the case of the OP, there of course is deceit involved, another separate destructive layer, but the fundamental issue, relationship-wise, is intimacy.

[FMW]

The porn isn't necessarily a warning sign if it's only a few times a week. However my xH getting into internet porn showed up at the beginning of a long downhill slide that ended up in a completely dead marriage as far as romance and sex went.

 

His lack of interest in you sexually is definitely an issue. His injury earlier in life didn't seem to impact your sex life in the beginning so I'm not sure how much weight I'd give that as a reason. It's another early warning sign in my experience.

 

In my marriage there were other issues that likely led to the excessive porn and lack of sex between us, so maybe there is more there you're not considering.

 

I definitely wouldn't let it slide, it's not going to just magically get better without figuring out what's really going on. Don't just focus on the porn/sex issue when you're talking to him, tell him you're feeling a disconnect from him and see what he says.

Edited December 7, 2018 by Finding my way

[SolG]

OP, porn does become a problem when it impairs the sexual relationship between a couple. In this case it has.

 

I think this conclusion - that a lot of folk are jumping to, including the OP - is actually an unproven assumption. Remember correlation doesn't equal causation. And there doesn't even seem to be correlation here anyway! He's admitted that the porn usage precedes the down turn in sex. It's something he's always done.

 

So... he was using porn when they were having lots of great sex. And now he's using porn when they're not having sex.

 

The porn usage hasn't changed, the quantity and quality of sex has. So the question should be on why the latter has decreased, as opposed to chasing porn down a rabbit hole (so to speak) when it is actually a constant.

[standtall]

I think this conclusion - that a lot of folk are jumping to, including the OP - is actually an unproven assumption. Remember correlation doesn't equal causation. And there doesn't even seem to be correlation here anyway! He's admitted that the porn usage precedes the down turn in sex. It's something he's always done.

 

So... he was using porn when they were having lots of great sex. And now he's using porn when they're not having sex.

 

The porn usage hasn't changed, the quantity and quality of sex has. So the question should be on why the latter has decreased, as opposed to chasing porn down a rabbit hole (so to speak) when it is actually a constant.

 

First, it was a different opinion than yours, so how can you correct it and say it's wrong...just disagree. Second, it is a problem....now....because it interferes with their sex life to her...that's why she brought it up. That alone makes it a problem. Incredible...correcting someones opinion.

 

OP, directly talk to your husband...air it out...