[Divorcing and] in a relationship with a separated man

[elaine567]

Again madness.

You have got yourself entangled with some "separated" guy with kids who is still at home living with his partner. You have been in limbo for 5 months and apart from YOU crossing swords with his gf and the mother of his kids, what as HE done in all that time?

 

Check out the boards here and realise you are on to a hiding to nothing. These guys who stall and dither, do not usually leave of their own accord, they may get kicked out and you get him by default but is that really what you want?

Even the ones that do eventually leave tend to get so eaten up by guilt over what they have done to their partner and kids that they go back home anyway...

Do not get yourself mixed up with this mess. Years of dealing with kids who hate you, an ex who will stir up trouble for decades as she too will hate you and all her family and maybe his too... Happy days...

Walk away, nothing good will come of this..

 

 

You are now free as a bird, do not tie yourself down to this miserable existence.

[BaileyB]

You are now free as a bird, do not tie yourself down to this miserable existence.

 

Exactly this. You would be foolish to stay with this man. He is in no way ready to commit to another relationship - he has not really committed to his first relationship.

Edited December 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[carhill]

OP, since you're newly divorced, well almost, question.... are you looking for a you and me forever deal or a nice solid social interaction that is enjoyable in the moment. Why?

 

I ask because, after a lifetime of 'you and me forever' stuff, now I don't bother with that and socialize with women I might not be interested in dying with but they're fun right now. What's your deal?

 

You'll notice I ask a lot of questions. That's be design. I learned the tools from our marriage counselor. Very helpful. Especially the why questions. Those help with introspection.

[ABernie]

Being blackmailed with your kids is a very real thing that happens. Guys tend not to be believed and that is why I never mentioned it to anyone not even in MC. For one there is an element of shame along with the extreme fear of losing your kids. The OP says she has waited 5 months. I will tell her it took me 3 years to finally stand up against the ex's power play. It's a scary position to be in whether it's self inflicted or not.

 

My IC has said she sees this often. It's usually the women that make the move and the man who follows until it gets to a point. She says, it usually takes the woman 6 months to realize the anger is exhausting and about a year to start to get over the betrayal. If they are in CC, it can happen sooner.

 

OP - For my AP, BW is not threatening taking kids away, but threatening poisoning them about what happened. That is really scary for a father. He says it's a difficult balance. I have no plans of interfering with them figuring this out. That's not fair.

 

My own M/D is slow going and it's very friendly, but we are trying to find the right balance for the kids. I have no intention of reconciling, but if my AP were to post our situation, people on this board would question my intentions and that I might not be telling the truth.

 

There are trends in As, but each R is so different. It's hard to find a one size fits all solution, but I think respect for all parties should always be front and center. I am not interfering, because IF AP and I do end up in a LTR or M, I will need to work with BW. The same thing with my STBX. I always tell my AP that I don't want to bash him b/c I want us all to be friends in the future. We have a lifetime attachment to our exes.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Ayy, that separate rooms story? Could be because someone snores too loud or sleeping schedules don't match up. Chances are very, very good they are still 100% a family despite what he tells you.

 

All people when faced with divorce do not want to split up their family. But when one half of that partnership is DONE, assets start to be divided, custodial rights arranged, alternate living arrangements made.

 

Don't wait. You will be in a holding pattern forever. This man isn't going anywhere anytime soon. He does not want to break up his family. And even if he did leave (which he won't) he will go back and forth between the two of you until someone gets tired of it and gives him the boot for good.

[whichwayisup]

You seem more angry at her than him?

 

She isn't holding him hostage, he's choosing to stay married. People leave and divorce if they truly want to. Kids or not, if someone wants out of a marriage they put a plan in action and follow through. Your MM is a sitting duck and that's not going to change.

[S2B]

That’s what i tell him and i don’t mean to judge her but shes crazy one day we spoke and she told me if you guys want to be together fine your path is open then next she goes and tells him if you see her or talk to her i will take the kids you will never find us. They do not have a custody agreement either. She has left once before.

 

So why doesn't he get a custody agreement? Has he seen an attorney?

 

He doesn't even need to get divorced - so he can't use that as an excuse.

 

I bet he doesn't intend to leave - so start dating now.

 

If he REALLY wants to be with you he will get custody arranged and move out.

 

Don't wait around though - and don't bet on him leaving her.

 

Don't believe half of what he tells you...cheaters lie incessantly.

[S2B]

He isn't separated! Why did you type that he is separated?

 

He very much with her!

 

When she questioned you why didn't you tell her he's in love with you?

 

Why are you helping him lie even more?

 

You had the chance to lay things out...why did you run away by quitting the job?

 

She gained the upper hand - you folded and ran... when you had the chance to expose this relationship you didn't.

 

Lying by omission is still lying...why weren't you honest with her?

 

He loves that two women are fighting for him.

 

He's not leaving her...stop waiting for him.

[TheRainbow]

He tells me to give him time but I’ve been waiting for over 5 months. He is scared to leave because she threatens him with his kids saying he will never see them again. She says that if she finds out he is talking to me or seeing me he can forget about them yet he still always takes the risk! I don’t know what to do!

 

He needs to speak to a lawyer about getting visitation.

[pepperbird]

Being blackmailed with your kids is a very real thing that happens. Guys tend not to be believed and that is why I never mentioned it to anyone not even in MC. For one there is an element of shame along with the extreme fear of losing your kids. The OP says she has waited 5 months. I will tell her it took me 3 years to finally stand up against the ex's power play. It's a scary position to be in whether it's self inflicted or not.

 

 

One might buy into this excuse if it were not for the fat that he's cheating. That alone tells me the " I don't want to lose my kids" is a crap excuse.

 

that's like saying " I don't want to get stung" while standing under a hornet's nest while squirting it with a hose.

[pepperbird]

You seem more angry at her than him?

 

She isn't holding him hostage, he's choosing to stay married. People leave and divorce if they truly want to. Kids or not, if someone wants out of a marriage they put a plan in action and follow through. Your MM is a sitting duck and that's not going to change.

 

 

I'm not surprised when an ow or om puts the blame for their AP not leaving. It's easier to blame the bs than it is to blame their AP or accept that the affair is just that...an affair.

 

 

OP, your beef isn't with his wife. It's with him, and all the " he can't leave because of the kids" is nonsense. I get that's it;s comforting to believe he;s being manipulated, but madam, he is EXACTLY where he wants to be. He's got two women fighting over him, when he sounds like a big fat loser who wouldn't know the truth if it came up behind him and bit him on the @ss.

[carhill]

For general consumption the OP has stated the gentleman is not married and she has not had sexual relations with him.

[overtherainbow1]

For general consumption the OP has stated the gentleman is not married and she has not had sexual relations with him.

 

Thread title says she is in a relationship with him.

[georgia girl]

I have to agree with the others. If he was really threatened by his domestic partner that she would take the kids, well frankly, they’d be married. While marriage doesn’t strengthen his natural right to his own progeny, it does make them more legally entangled and gives him greater leverage to leave the relationship and negotiate terms. Further, the fact that he’s not married means that he only has to pack his things and file for joint custody and he’s free. A much, much lower threshold than many married men.

 

OP, the thing with someone who is lying is that they can sound REALLY sincere when they lie to you, particularly if they are invested in you believing their lie. And additionally, if it’s their sole way to deflect blame. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy in your eyes, so it’s really easy to blame in common law wife. Plus, maybe once in a get she threatened to “take the kids and go somewhere where you won’t find us,” if he was cheating on her. He would know that threat was empty and said in passion, but it gives him a crutch to claim these things to you.

 

It is so easy to believe when someone says something that we desperately want to be true, but sometimes believing them is actually a form of self-harm. Protect yourself and get out before you get too badly hurt or waste too much time. I just read a thread on here where someone was an OW for 12 years. Don’t let yourself waste another day.

[amaysngrace]

I think you have unrealistic expectations of this man who has three children and never got around to marrying their mother.

 

He has you fooled into thinking he’s this honorable person but talk is cheap. It’s actions that matter.