Daisy2013 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Hi, it's been a while. My daughter is graduating and he asked to attend her graduation and party after. He still tells me he loves me, and watched her grow up, so wants to be there. And he's my "friend," he says. Seems weird to me because his wife will come, although she doesn't want to, nor wants him to attend. This unnerves me, and I don't understand how he doesn't think it's weird? There will be mutual friends there so it won't be out of the ordinary if he shows; in fact, they won't blink an eye because they are unaware (or keep opinions to themselves), and we work together. I have, of course, said I didn't think it is a good idea. It's strange how some can just act like history is nothing, yet I know that my heart will be in an upheaval, and don't understand why it's so easy for him. Pretty sure it is as he says, he watched her grow up, but still.... Any thoughts on this? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Daisy, You need to be very firm and tell him not to come if it is going to spoil the day for you. He watched her grow up.... so what? It doesn't give him any rights as far as she is concerned. Do what will make you happy... for get what he wants. Best Wishes, Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 A part of you wants him there or it wouldn't be an issue....word of the day NO Yet you have no control over if he shows, public place and all. But you have control over how you mentally approach it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 A part of you wants him there or it wouldn't be an issue....word of the day NO Yet you have no control over if he shows, public place and all. But you have control over how you mentally approach it. The party is at my house. I can't stop the graduation, but my house I said no. I don't know why he'd be ok hanging out with us and bringing his wife. I'm,I've him and always will, but our relationship isn't what it once was. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 My daughter is graduating and he asked to attend her graduation and party after. He still tells me he loves me, and watched her grow up, so wants to be there. And he's my "friend," he says. Seems weird to me because his wife will come, although she doesn't want to, nor wants him to attend. I have, of course, said I didn't think it is a good idea. Are you still involved with this man? This is all kinds of inappropriate. Why either you or his wife would tolerate this kind of selfish and inconsiderate behavior is beyond me... It would be a hard NO for me. You can't stop him from attending a public ceremony, but I would tell him that his presence would not be acknowledged in any way should he attend. The fact that he would expect his wife to attend - does she know about you? That just sends chills down my spine that he could be so disrespectful and entitled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 Daisy, You need to be very firm and tell him not to come if it is going to spoil the day for you. He watched her grow up.... so what? It doesn't give him any rights as far as she is concerned. Do what will make you happy... for get what he wants. Best Wishes, Poppy Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 Are you still involved with this man? This is all kinds of inappropriate. Why either you or his wife would tolerate this kind of selfish and inconsiderate behavior is beyond me... It would be a hard NO for me. You can't stop him from attending a public ceremony, but I would tell him that his presence would not be acknowledged in any way should he attend. The fact that he would expect his wife to attend - does she know about you? That just sends chills down my spine that he could be so disrespectful and entitled. We are not involved in the same way anymore. She suspects, but doesn't know or have proof. He isn't forcing her to go, but he can't really go anywhere alone, she doesn't let him out of her sight for the most part, so she will attend with him. This is a 2 hour drive to this function. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 More to to point - does your daughter know about the affair? Would she wondering why this man and his wife are at this family celebration? I'm sorry I don't know your personal circumstances, but if you are married, out in a relationship, what about your husband/partner? What about your family members, would they not question his presence? Just one thing, if his wife does watch his every move well he's kinda given her reason to...... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 IMHO, the number one opinion should be your daughter's. Number 2 yours..his should be of no consequence. If your and your daughter's opinion line up, then good. If not, then you get the say...your house, your money. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 More to to point - does your daughter know about the affair? Would she wondering why this man and his wife are at this family celebration? I'm sorry I don't know your personal circumstances, but if you are married, out in a relationship, what about your husband/partner? What about your family members, would they not question his presence? Just one thing, if his wife does watch his every move well he's kinda given her reason to...... If I remember correctly, OP is married. I hadn't even thought about that aspect...totally disrespectful. Again, not an issue if OP doesn't want him there, but she does. She seems more concerned about his wife attending Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 OP, do you really want to look back years down the road, recalling fond memories of your daughter's grad, knowing your xMM was there...with or without his W? That would taint everything IMO. This special day should be for family and TRUE friends. Send him pictures if he really wants to 'see' her graduate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 I told him I didn't think it would be a good thing to attend our party. It's just weird. I'm not so worried about the wife in general, I see her at functions we attend elsewhere. This is just a personal function, so yes, it did bother me, and I felt it would be awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 The graduation is your daughter's special day. It is her decision to make surely? MM have no place there IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Tell him you do not want him there and that him wanting to go and drag his wife along is just unbelievably disconnected from anything decent. You can't stop him from going to a public graduation but you can be very clear you are disgusted by the thought of it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 I told him I didn't think it would be a good thing to attend our party. It's just weird. I'm not so worried about the wife in general, I see her at functions we attend elsewhere. This is just a personal function, so yes, it did bother me, and I felt it would be awkward. So it's not awkward having your boyfriend there with your husband and family but its awkward to have his wife there? That sounds weird. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 This day is about your daughter, not you or your MM (or exMM). DO not invite him at all! Highly doubt your daughter would want him there if she knew the truth. It's wrong all around. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 It seems you guys are no longer involved, but it also seems that things haven't been cut off completely where he's no longer part of your life. In my opinion, and experience, having your xMM still part of your life, still ties you up to him emotionally in ways that aren't that helpful with completely moving on. If things are done, let them be done. His feelings here don't matter frankly. He can want whatever he wants, but we don't always get what we want right? He shouldn't come and also I would personally take more steps to dissociate from him and his life, as it's not of much use to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 People can attend public functions as they choose. A private function is at the family's pleasure and this is a milestone for DD. IMO, keep the focus on her without any distractions. Former or present affair partners are distractions. Kindly decline to include him. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 This day is about your daughter, not you or your MM (or exMM). DO not invite him at all! Highly doubt your daughter would want him there if she knew the truth. It's wrong all around. Completely agree with this! It’s your daughter’s achievement and her day. As her mom, you have the ability to give her a fun and stress free day with the most important person in the world to her - her mom - fully engaged and focused on her and her achievement. Regardless of his intentions or yours, him being around will cause stress and that’s not fair to her. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I told him I didn't think it would be a good thing to attend our party. It's just weird. I'm not so worried about the wife in general, I see her at functions we attend elsewhere. This is just a personal function, so yes, it did bother me, and I felt it would be awkward. Then FIRMLY tell him NO! He doesn't get to dictate the terms of your gathering. Stop allowing him to have ANY say! Is it his daughter? If it's not - he needs to stay out of it! How would your H feel? Consider his feelings too! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I told him I didn't think it would be a good thing to attend our party. It's just weird. I'm not so worried about the wife in general, I see her at functions we attend elsewhere. This is just a personal function, so yes, it did bother me, and I felt it would be awkward. If you allow this man to push his way into your celebration, it will be an obvious illustration of everything that is ugly and wrong about an affair... this decision demonstrates a total lack of boundaries, a lack of respect for your daughter, your husband, and his wife, and a selfish desire to place yourselves above the best interest of (in this case), your daughter on what should be a very important day in her life. It's not about you. This day should be about your daughter and she has the right to have both her parents present, without her mother's affair partner drawing your attention away from the celebration. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 12, 2018 Author Share Posted December 12, 2018 Thank you for your replies. He did not attend my party, told him no, and that it was for family and friends. It was a no-brainer, just weird to me that he asked to attend, knowing she would follow, and my husband would be there. If reversed, it was something I could not do. All went well and it was a good time and a great memory. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Good to hear...a happy ending. Thanks for the update. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Dear Daisy, I'm sorry I'm late in reading all your threads. Can you tell me if you are still married? Dreamer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 Dear Daisy, I'm sorry I'm late in reading all your threads. Can you tell me if you are still married? Dreamer Yes, still married. Link to post Share on other sites
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