Maktub Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Hi all... I'm just looking for advice from someone with more experience in the marriage department. I married a few months ago after a very long relationship (we had even been living together for over a year before getting married) but things are not turning out to be quite what we expected. My husband won't sleep in the same bed as me, which is something he would do every once in while before the marriage, but now It was become a habit. I was shocked and sad at first and I begged him every night to come to bed but that ended with an ugly argument during which he admitted that he was sleeping in the guests room bc he felt suffocated by our new lifestyle, emotionally disconnected from me and also not "at home" in our apartment. He also said that the time we spend together after work is boring and he doesn't like the people we've become. In fact, he feels he's becoming what he has always hated. He wants us to go out for drinks, music concerts, etc., but during the week I am so tired I just don't feel like going out (we do have plans at weekends). I have to admit that I have fewer interests than before and I don't go out nearly as much, but the thing is he's never up for the sort of plan I like, and also my job is very demanding and I am left with little energy. Quite frankly I have grown out of that lifestyle (we're now close to our mid 30's). I would rather relax on the sofa after dinner and watch Netflix, but he doesn't like to do that with me anymore. When I come home from work I cook, clean the house a little bit, do the laundry and so on; otherwise everything just piles up. He, on the other hand, doesn't mind if things are untidy or if we have to eat a **** dinner because no one cared to cook. He would rather use that free time to pursue his interests and then clean the house on a Saturday morning. I have talked to him about this repeatedly but we don't reach an agreement. He just doesn't take ownership for house chores the way I do. So I just decided to accept it and move on. I have the strangest feeling now, like he doesn't even care to pretend to listen to me, and I don't even bother telling him about my day. He would always shut down when I tried to talk to him about my feelings regarding work, friends, family... He's just not one to engage in that sort of conversation, so he would listen and nod if I could get him to put down his phone. If my feelings were negative, he would even become very stiff and clearly uncomfortable. I can understand that negative feelings can be a burden to your spouse if you are slightly depressed like I was though. I learned to accept it and keep my feelings to myself most of the time, but now he complains that I don't share my feelings with him??? And apparently that is the reason why he feels disconnected??? How can I share if he doesn't want me to???? There's also something else. I asked that he stop getting hammered every weekend because I am concerned about his health and he is respecting my wishes for the most part but feeling very bitter towards me. I find myself in a situation where I am lonely, he is obviously lonely and what we thought would be a beautiful marriage could become a nightmare for the rest of our lives if we can't stand the people we've become, and he confessed the same fear to me. Don't take me wrong, I love him very much and I was feeling positive and willing to work hard to make improvements, but after hearing his complaints and fears I am scared that he will always be unhappy and that I won't be enough for him, which makes me numb with pain. In fact, after that argument I am the one who wants to sleep in separate beds. I also feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him and that we don't enjoy anything any more. I wonder if this is really all my fault and he's entitled to feel that way about us or if he has unrealistic expectations... Either way, I am completely lost. Please share your insight as I love this man very much and I really want to save this marriage Thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Oye What is a "very long time" before getting married, and in what way did making things official change things? I lived with my husband for 14 years before we got married - to me that's a long time, and honestly getting married really didn't change anything. What you have posted here does not leave a lot of hope. Incompatible life styles, resentment, communication issues, lack of emotional closeness. Honestly, my husband and I have been through some real crap (infidelity, immense stress etc), but we have never gone to bed in separate beds - we always, no matter what, no matter how angry we are etc, embrace and sleep together. So, you say you love him very much. Why? Is it the way he makes you feel about yourself? The respect you have for him, and that he shows for you? His caring personality? What is it that you are in love with - that is separate from familiarity and codependence? Where do you see the compromises? What solutions can you envision? Personally, my husband and I are the "party" type. Despite long days (I usually commute / work 12+ hours a day) I still enjoy going out with him in the evening. It's an area we are compatible in. Or, if I am just exhausted, I encourage him to go out with his buddies etc. So.... How do you think you two can reach a happy medium? Because right now, neither of you are happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Why the heck did the two of you get married in the first place?! Sheez. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Your story sounds like a man that got married because his wife really wanted it and now he is unhappy. He may feel he was forced into the marriage, has lost his identity, and really doesn’t want to accept he got married. Ask him if he wants to get divorced and just live together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maktub Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 Hi RecentChange and everyone else. A very long time is actually 11 years. We didn't live together through all that time, though, just for the last year and a half or so. We had issues before, for sure, but I've never felt that the problem was this kind of incompatibility. Actually, marrying was his idea. He has always known he wants a family. I want it now too. He was so happy about getting married that this makes me even more confused. I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much. We never had infidelities or that kind or problems. We respect each enough to not do that, and that is one of the reasons I love him. I love him when we're close, when he opens up to me and shows me the real person inside. I really love that person in every way. He has a kind heart, he's very inteligent, he's very passionate about things he like. I respect him a lot for that. But I admit that I don't think enough about this sort of things or tell him often enough. "I love you" has probably lost its meaning to both of us. The problem for me is he's not always ready to open up to me and be vulnerable. That brings disconnection. I probably made it sound worse than it really is. We have shared some very happy times and I know he's the man of my life. But the current situation... Well, it spells divorce if we don't do anything about it. I am very worried and want to fix it badly. However, our communication issues are very hard to tackle. I expect positive feedback when I speak but instead I see stiffness. What to do?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maktub Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 Also regarding hobbies... I feel guilty to say that I am always tired during weekdays, so I don't feel like going out. I can't helo it. This is another aspect of our relationship tthat's killing us. We don't share hobbies as mucho as before and when we do one of us doesn't have as much fun as we used to. I think this is actually a deal breaker for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 I get that "divorce" is the advice de rigueur, but in your situation I don't think it's necessarily warranted just yet. There are no severe issues like cheating or abuse, and you were together for 11 years, presumably happy for 10 or so? Sounds like something that can be worked on IF both of you want to. Have you guys considered marriage counselling? IMO this is a pretty textbook situation that MC could help with. It's entirely possible that you could work out a way to compromise - for instance get a cleaner or takeout sometimes so that you can go out and have fun together for 1 or 2 of the weekday evenings, and see what can be done to make him feel more "at home". (Seriously, a cleaner is one of the best investments I have EVER made in terms of how much it benefited our happiness and relationship satisfaction.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Compromise is a 2 way street. You want to clean after work. He wants to clean on Saturdays & do things more exciting then sit on the couch on weeknights. I suggest you clean on Saturdays or invest in a cleaning service if possible. Seriously your marriage is more important then laundry or some dirty dishes Ask your H what "not boring" looks like to him & then do some of those things. I'm not sure about sleeping in different beds. Do try to get him to understand that behavior is hurtful & destructive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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