Bothsidesnow Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 I’m new to this forum and really struggling. I had an affair with a married man that lasted about a year. I am also married with two kids. My husband found out about the affair and we separated for a few months. We have decided to reconcile. It’s been 45 days NC with the OM and it has been so hard. Although I want to try to make my family work, I miss him a lot and think about him constantly. I am so tempted to reach out. I have regular flashbacks of our encounters and can’t help but recreate some of our conversations in my head still. I’m just so stuck in the fantasy of it all. Our affair was mostly sexual, but I’m definitely attached to him and started getting jealous of his wife towards the end. I never expressed any of these feelings to him. When will this end? He’s all I think about. I just want him out of my head, so I can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Do you love your husband? Do you really want to be with him? Or is he just your fallback? If you love your husband or if you have even a shred of respect for him you will not contact this OM ever again. Your husband loves you and believes in you enough to stay, don't crap on him by contacting your AP. That's only inviting more trouble into the marriage. Either make a go of your marriage or don't. All in or all out. If you don't love or respect your husband then be kind enough to let him go. Tell him the truth and file for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 If you love your husband or if you have even a shred of respect for him you will not contact this OM ever again. If you love yourSELF or if you have even a shred of respect for YOURSELF you will not contact this OM ever again. Hi there OP. First, you are probably on the wrong board. But anyway, I've been there and I am guessing the MM dropped you the second it all came out. Everyone is going to post about loving your husband and while that is all valid, you are in the fog and before you can begin to fix your marriage, you need to fix yourself. To answer your question, it takes about 6 months of complete NC to start to feel better and another year to not think about him. The fixing your marriage part does not start till you are not thinking about another man, so you are looking at 3-4 years. Don't despair though! I did it and so can you. Link to post Share on other sites
Colin Grant Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 (edited) Dignify your life and show respect to your husband by divorcing him. You're risking his physical (STD's) and emotional health and you're the one that is supposed to protect him, as he is committed to do for you. Clearly, another man has now replaced him in your heart and body. Your husband doesn't want to share you. He wants exclusivity to your heart and body, however that's your mind, body and heart longs for your lover. It is humiliating and emasculating for a man to lose a woman to another man. Honestly, the least you can do is spare your family from the consequences of your continued unfaithfulness, not only to your husband, but to your child and yourself as well. Take the bullet and protect them as you lust for another man that's not your husband and not the father as your child. Clearly, you have thought through the cost/benefit of losing your husband and family and even though you are 'trying' to stay no contact, if losing your husband and family is STILL tempting, then don't string the husband and family along. Free them so that they can begin patching there lives back together, as you pursue your new love. At least this way, everything is above board. Edited December 8, 2018 by Colin Grant Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 8, 2018 Author Share Posted December 8, 2018 Do you love your husband? Do you really want to be with him? Or is he just your fallback? Thanks for your reply. I do love my husband and I want to give things a real shot, but I still find myself having these thoughts. I’m concerned, but I’m not acting on them. That’s why I’m posting here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 8, 2018 Author Share Posted December 8, 2018 Hi there OP. First, you are probably on the wrong board. But anyway, I've been there and I am guessing the MM dropped you the second it all came out. Everyone is going to post about loving your husband and while that is all valid, you are in the fog and before you can begin to fix your marriage, you need to fix yourself. To answer your question, it takes about 6 months of complete NC to start to feel better and another year to not think about him. The fixing your marriage part does not start till you are not thinking about another man, so you are looking at 3-4 years. Don't despair though! I did it and so can you. Hi there. What board would you suggest that I post on next time? Thanks. The MM doesn’t know that my husband found out. We continued our affair when I had moved out of the house for a few months and then I cut things off with him before I moved back in. Thank you for your response. It was all very helpful. I suppose I have a long road ahead of me. It really helps to hear that others have been there and made it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Do you want to hurt and betray your husband again? Lose your family as you know it? If no, then you have to push thoughts of exMM out of your head and decide that your husband's feelings are more important than yours. DO NOT reach out to the exMM. No good can come of it. Continue to post here if you get the urge again. Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Your husband knows you had an affair, and I take it he knows who your AP was. My question is why hasn't your husband informed the wife of your AP bout the affair. Your husband is either concerned that such information would hurt the OBS or he is a very passive man. If I was in his shoes I would have already burned your AP's world to the ground and your AP would be walking through the ashes of what use to be his life. Just by what you have posted I surmise that you love your AP a whole lot more than you love your husband. I also surmise that you are back with your husband, not because of love but because he provides support and security. I would also guess that your AP was unwilling to leave his family for you so you went back to Plan B, your husband who is totally unaware of your true feeling. If you can't love with your heart and be 100% true to your husband and your marriage, then do him a favor and divorce him. It will hurt him initially but it will also free him to, in time after healing, find a woman he deserves and will love him and not break his heart as she pines over another man. I do wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Thanks for your reply. I do love my husband and I want to give things a real shot You don’t really give much feel for why that is? Nor does it seem you’ve thought about whether, feeling as you do, reconciliation is fair to your husband. You’ve cheated and are clearly stilll in love with your OM. Not a recipe for marital success... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Your husband knows you had an affair, and I take it he knows who your AP was. My question is why hasn't your husband informed the wife of your AP bout the affair. Your husband is either concerned that such information would hurt the OBS or he is a very passive man. If I was in his shoes I would have already burned your AP's world to the ground and your AP would be walking through the ashes of what use to be his life. Just by what you have posted I surmise that you love your AP a whole lot more than you love your husband. I also surmise that you are back with your husband, not because of love but because he provides support and security. I would also guess that your AP was unwilling to leave his family for you My husband confronted me in therapy and I confessed to having an affair, but he didn’t want to know many specific details. I guess that’s passive? He only asked if I wanted to be with this other person and if we used protection. He doesn’t even know that my AP is married. I asked him if he wanted more information about the affair and he said no. We separated after that for a few months and I ended things with my AP eventually. I never asked him to leave his wife for me. I don’t think that I’d really want to be with him. I think I can get over these feelings, but it’s still so fresh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 You don’t really give much feel for why that is? Nor does it seem you’ve thought about whether, feeling as you do, reconciliation is fair to your husband. You’ve cheated and are clearly stilll in love with your OM. Not a recipe for marital success... Mr. Lucky I just thought it would maybe take some time? To get over my feelings for my AP. I’m home and trying to work on things as best as I can, but these thoughts are still lingering. I really wish I could get him out of my head already, but Its only been a month and a half. We were in a relationship for almost a year. I just figured it would take time to get over him. Like any break-up? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 Welcome to LS... Are you most interested in moving on from this affair, now concluded, and rebuilding your marriage? Have you/your husband engaged a MC to assist? What I learned in MC is that it was OK to accept that one has attachments and it's also OK to process those attachments out, accept they were part of one's life, as any attachment is/was, and now over. Since your H is disclosed, I'd focus on the M and move forward with it. Does your M have a solid foundation? Something to explore in MC. If you do wish to rebuild your M, it'll take time and effort. If successful, this brief period you outline will be but a blip in that process. What do you want to do today to begin and/or continue? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 I just thought it would maybe take some time? To get over my feelings for my AP. I’m home and trying to work on things as best as I can, but these thoughts are still lingering. I really wish I could get him out of my head already, but Its only been a month and a half. We were in a relationship for almost a year. I just figured it would take time to get over him. Like any break-up? Nah, it's not like other breakups. Affairs are more about addiction and excitement then love. For women they experience a range of emotions that simply rarely happen in normal monogamous relationships. Stop treating it like a relationship, because it never was. Relationships happen out in the open and have the outside pressures of daily life intercede. Affairs happen in a bubble where the total focus is on the affair partners. Affairs are nothing like normal relationships so ending is nothing like normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 Nah, it's not like other breakups. Affairs are more about addiction and excitement then love. For women they experience a range of emotions that simply rarely happen in normal monogamous relationships. You’re right. In fact, I don’t even feel like I’m in love with him. It’s more like obsessive feelings. I know that I need to break this addiction, but I can’t help but think of him often. Other posters have been mentioning getting a divorce if I can’t commit myself fully to my husband. I am trying, but my thoughts seem to keep going back to him. I want things to work with my husband. I do. I can’t help these obsessive feelings. I hope it gets easier soon. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 You’re right. In fact, I don’t even feel like I’m in love with him. It’s more like obsessive feelings. I know that I need to break this addiction, but I can’t help but think of him often. Other posters have been mentioning getting a divorce if I can’t commit myself fully to my husband. I am trying, but my thoughts seem to keep going back to him. I want things to work with my husband. I do. I can’t help these obsessive feelings. I hope it gets easier soon. You haven't posted much, but I'm getting a passive vibe from you. Let me guess, you never actively seemed out the affair but you kinda went along, little by little OM pulled you across boundaries until none were left. Unfortunately, you cant make your marriage work that way, you have to be aggressive, or more proactive, in both thoughts and actions. Affairs thrive in that dark bubble, the more light put on it the less the appeal. You say your husband doesn't want to know, I dont believe that. I'm not saying I dont believe he didn't say he didn't but I dont believe he doesn't want to know. Be proactive, sit down and write out two timelines of the affair. The first a shortened version hitting only the highlights, a second with every single detail you can remember. Hand them to your husband and let him truly decide if he wants to know or not. Taking the secrecy out of it takes away the safety of allowing your mind to continue to go there. I promise you, your affair cant be as bad as your husband is seeing it in his mind. Those visions in his head will wreak your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bothsidesnow Posted December 9, 2018 Author Share Posted December 9, 2018 You haven't posted much, but I'm getting a passive vibe from you. Let me guess, you never actively seemed out the affair but you kinda went along, little by little OM pulled you across boundaries until none were left. Yes, I am passive/ have an avoidant personality. I obviously don’t like this about myself and have been doing work in therapy to try to figure out why I’m this way and how I can get better. And you are absolutely right about how the affair progressed. I will try what you suggested and write out those narratives. Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Colin Grant Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) You’re right. In fact, I don’t even feel like I’m in love with him. It’s more like obsessive feelings. I know that I need to break this addiction, but I can’t help but think of him often. Other posters have been mentioning getting a divorce if I can’t commit myself fully to my husband. I am trying, but my thoughts seem to keep going back to him. I want things to work with my husband. I do. I can’t help these obsessive feelings. I hope it gets easier soon. For me, the divorce suggestion is simply to reduce your husband's pain stemming from your continued pining for another man as well as protection for him in the event of a relapse on your part, which many, many wayward spouses succumb to. On a scale o 1-10, his pain is already at 100 and can actually worsen with continued thoughts of the affair partner and a possible rekindling. We're talking addictive like behaviors here, which are hard to shake. If divorced, he doesn't have to see you or 'feel' that you have unresolved thoughts of someone he's already shared you with. He would also no longer have to ride the roller-coaster of emotions with a 3rd person in the story of your marriage. Betrayed spouses begin to heal when they are detached and removed from the wayward spouse whose conflicted thoughts consume him/her. There's a saying, not seeing or being with the wayward spouse guarantees no new pain. No new pain means healing, recovery and life returns to some degree of normalcy and peace. Pain relief and eradication is the goal. To let someone go that you love is a scary thought, but sometimes it's necessary to spare them having to endure more pain and suffering. Edited December 10, 2018 by Colin Grant Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 I’m home and trying to work on things as best as I can, but these thoughts are still lingering. But again, why are you home? It seems more like you feel you should be there rather than you want to be there. And it fits with your personality type, going back to your husband was the easy thing to do. The easy thing and the right thing are rarely the same thing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 What work are you doing in therapy? What kind of therapy is it? In therapy, how do you reconcile obsessive thoughts about the past affair partner with your apparently admitted passive personality? I ask because passive people usually let things happen to them rather than form proactive or obsessive thoughts/actions. They are receivers. Do you consider yourself passive in other parts of life? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 If you love yourSELF or if you have even a shred of respect for YOURSELF you will not contact this OM ever again. Hi there OP. First, you are probably on the wrong board. But anyway, I've been there and I am guessing the MM dropped you the second it all came out. Everyone is going to post about loving your husband and while that is all valid, you are in the fog and before you can begin to fix your marriage, you need to fix yourself. To answer your question, it takes about 6 months of complete NC to start to feel better and another year to not think about him. The fixing your marriage part does not start till you are not thinking about another man, so you are looking at 3-4 years. Don't despair though! I did it and so can you. If it is going to take this ws many months to process all of this, then she'd better make damned sure that she put NONE of that on her husband's head. It is not his burden to carry. I wold suggest to the op that she give some really, really heavy consideration to whether or not she wants to be in her marriage. Is she in it because she wants to be, or because she feels like she has to be? I would suggest that she be really honest with herself about whether or not she can cut off all contact with her ex-om, forever, No slip ups. If she is being honest with herself and feels she can't then she has no business being with her husband, unless he knows what's in her heart and mind and accepts that. A bs is not there to be some sort of emotional dumping ground for their ws. If the ws can't handle that, then they should go. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts