Took her back but now I'm not so sure.... (New)

[Matt77]

I just joined this forum so I've never posted or commented yet.

 

I need some advice or support or whatever.

 

Here's my story/situation. My wife who I've been with for 14 years, married for 10. Has been back in the house since July after having a 5 month affair. We've had ups and downs since.

 

So in February just after Valentines Day. She started talking to a guy she met at the bar while hanging out with her female friend/coworker. After about a week she slept with him and things just took off. I had no idea at this point.

 

I had noticed that she was acting distant towards me. And she was doing things that in hindsight should have been huge red flags. At about 8pm for 5 days a week she said she was going to the gym with her friend, but would be gone for three hours. I just blew it off as her working out and talking with her friend about work because they worked opposite shifts at work.

 

I also remember showing up to my daughter place where she did gymnastics and my wife would be gone. I would call her and she would pickup and tell me she was coming back from the public library. Over the last few months I was "wait a second, the library closed before our daughter gymnastic class started". I never thought to question it because I don't go to the library.

 

Anyway as time passes on, she gets colder and colder. For a couple days we kinda acted like a couple. We went down to Verizon in April to get new phones and smart watches. We never treated ourselves and we were overdue for new fancy stuff. She held my hand on the way down to go pick them out. We even ate a nice dinner that night and had sex that the morning (last sex I would get until July).

 

After that, back to cold hearted and distant. We get to our Anniversary and I write her a later about how I feel. I get nothing we do nothing on our day. Later that night she tells me "thank you for the letter. I got scared. I thought they were divorce papers".

 

Fast forward to Mother's Day, May 13th. I had scheduled her and my daughter mani's and pedi's from abroad. I was out of country on business. She didn't know I was going to come back that day. I did it that way to surprise her. So I show up at the restaurant that she said she was going to be at. I'm walking up to the restuarant and she meets me at the door and says "what are you doing here". She looks scared as ****. I still have no idea there is an affair going on. I feel so stupid for not seeing the signs.

 

I go in there to meet my daughter because at this point my wife has no interest in me surprising her. She actually told me "your ruining my Mother's Day". So I go in to see my daughter. There's this guy sitting there next to another woman. He's short and kinda fat and prematurely balding and has one of those beards that don't grow right (patchy spots on the side of his face). So I don't think anything of it.

 

I'm 6'1, 200lbs. Naturally tanned complexion. I'm athletic, I work out, 6 (almost 8 pack). So when I saw this sloppy dude already sitting next to another woman. I think nothing of it. Anyway I give my daughter a hug and leave pissed off that my wife rejected me on Mother's Day after a week of business away. Wow!

 

She moves out the next day. She comes over packs all of her clothes and toiletries. She packs some of our daughters clothes and toys. I have her sign away her rights to our joint account. She at this point had her own secret account that she had been filtering money into. I told her that I'm not paying for her school anymore with my GI Bill. I had just bought her a new laptop for school too. I made her give it back so I could return it. She says she is moving into her friend that she works with (female). She is actually female, I had met her before.

 

So for a month and half she puts our daughter through living at her place and then mine. Back and forth, no schedule to it. Total chaos. June 10th, I show up at the place she is staying and tell her to come over so I can drop our daughter off for the night. I had to work at 6 the next morning. She tells me she will swing by my house in the morning to get her. I tell her no, I'm already at her place. So she shows up in someone elses car, drunk. She tells me how good I look. I blow it off cause of how she is acting. I ask what the hell is going on with her. She says "I'm just trying to have fun with my friends".

 

At this point I go NC for like three days. After day one she is blowing me up with "can you please talk to me?" I ignore it. On June 13th. I finally think to check the phone records. Believe me people, I have never felt to so stupid in my life. This one number keeps popping up everyday.

 

I'm supposed to go on another business trip for another week. I break NC to tell her I wanna see our daughter before I go. She comes over and asks "are you gonna talk to me" I say sure. I read off the phone number that had been blowing up. I told her I called it and a dude answered. She then confesses to sleeping with another man. At this point I'm shocked and asking how she could be so weak. A few more words are said and she get's back in her car and drives away.

 

I cancel the business trip because I am destroyed. The next day she asks me "are you going to tell everyone?" I'm like idk. She tells me she 85% wanting to be done and that the 15% is because we have a kid. I'm so messed up at this point because I'm want her back at the marital home. But also not sure because she let another man onto her. I go to my doctor for an appointment for depression meds and a referral to a therapist.

 

I ask her if she is going to continue sleeping with him or stay in contact with him. She says "idk, he's my friend". I plead with her not to (big mistake I know). So she swears on our daughter life that she wont. Over the next two weeks we kinda talk about things. She comes home on the 27th of June and says for two nights. She doesn't sleep in our bed with me. She is still being distant.

 

Then the 30th of June rolls around and she asks if she can go to a country music concert with her friend. She goes out and sends me a video of the concert. She doesn't come home that night. Our daughter stayed the night at a friends house. The next day she picks her up and takes her to where she is staying. I decide that my daughter is done staying outside the marital home. I go over unannounced and pick our daughter up.

 

The exchange is weird. She acts as if she didn't come over to ever work it out. Just totally cold. She tells me I should have called. I tell her that she never answers her phone. I then tell her our daughter is never coming back to that house. So then June 2nd comes around and she just shows up at the house with more of her clothes and stuff. She decides that she wants to go with my daughter and I back home to South Dakota.

 

She is still staying in our daughters room at night. She is warming up to me and even kissed me on the 5th of July. It was awkward. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss her. So may daughter and I leave on the 6th of July for South Dakota. Were driving to Colorado to see my dad before we get to SD and I start getting all these messages from her that she misses me. She video chats me on WhatsApp smiling and telling me she loves and misses me.

 

My daughter and I were having fun visiting family. She flew in on the 11th of July. I go to pick her up at the airport and when we see each other, we start running to each other. She jumps into my arms and were kissing in front of each other. It was really crazy. It felt right, but wrong to knowing she had cheated on me. She had been a totally different person from before and then she had this switch while my daughter and I had drove up. Like a demon left her body or something.

 

Anyway we have this amazing time on this "vacation" in our home town. He have sex nearly every day, twice a day. We see friends and family. Some know, some don't. But they support us. Well we get back home and back to reality. I feel bad for asking but I suggest that we both go get tested. I feel so dumb for making love with her without making sure she is clean.

 

We get tested. Were both clean. Thank God. Well I want to talk about the details of the affair. She knows from all of the information about affairs that that is what your supposed to do. So I ask questions about how long this had been going on and how many times did they have sex. She said she first slept with him the first week of April. And that they only had sex 5 times. She said they were just friends with benefits.

 

My intuition told me that this was an absolute lie. I've wanting a divorce because I can't be with a liar and an cheater. We had kind of fallen on rough financial times. We spent a little bit of money on the SD reconciliation trip and she had quit her job to go on the trip. She picked up another job as a secretary for a former client from the contempo spa she worked at.

 

So from August to Novemeber we go back and forth with things. Having sex like crazy to arguing about affair recovery. So on November 13th I had had it. I knew she was lying about the affair and how involved it was. I actually still had the guys number. I had drafted a text like a month basically saying that I was her husband and my therapist said that it was kinda risky reachin out, but asked him if he was willing to talk.

 

So I just said **** it. What do I have to lose. So I hit send on the text. 5 minutes later the dude blows me up with three long paragraph texts laying things out. He said he didn't mind talkin to me and was wondering when Inwas gonna reach out. He told me everything she told me was a lie.

 

He said things started between them in the middle of February and sex a week later. She had told me things started late March and sex first week of April. He said she moved in with him then day after Mother's Day. She told me she loved into her coworkers house (a woman). He said they had sex near everyday sometimes twice a day. She told me 5 times from the start of this thing.

 

She lied to him. He told me that she said that we were already divorced and separated. And that I was out of the marital home and living another woman. He caught her in her lies when he went through her phone in late June. He said he felt something was off and while she was asleep and kinda drunk, took her thumb and unlocked her iPhone. He saw all the talking her and I were doing about reconciliation and marriage counseling. He saw all the photos Inwas sending her of my body after I worked out.

 

He said he so livid. She bought him an Apple Watch to try to make up for it. They had some fights the during the last week of June and he eventually kicked her ass out. Which exactly explains why she just all of sudden showed back up to the house July 2nd. Here I thought she chose me. So him and I are talking back and forth about all the lying she wrapped us up in.

 

So then I realize that she wrapped our daughter through her affair. I asked him if they acted like a couple in front her. He said yes. Then ****in sent me. So I move out of our room into a spare room. I was prepared for divorce. After like three days of not saying much to her accept about our daughter type stuff she tells me that she wants to be open and honest about the affair and answer whatever questions I had.

 

So I'm curious as to how truthful she can be. I didn't tell her everything that I talked about with her OM. I start asking questions I already know the answers to and some I don't. She actually starts telling the truth. I could tell it was the truth because some of it has hard to hear. Brutal honesty. But this actually started to build a bridge of trust for all that nasty water to flow under.

 

Things have been much better since she's actually been open and honest. Here's the problem. Now that I know the gravity of it, I've had second thoughts. I feel like divorce is inevitable because I feel like I can't handle the amount of what happened. Can anyone weigh in on this? I know there is lot here. Thoughts, comments, opinions, advice???

Edited December 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
dupe paragraph edit

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, I feel sorry for your daughter. That’s an awful lot for a child to process while her world is upside down. Have you considered a therapist for her?

 

At this point, this is all about you. If this isn’t something you can get past, I wouldn’t waste any more time. Honestly, had things not fallen apart with the OM, doubt your wife would have come back home. Not sure what you have with her but it isn’t first prize.

 

Try and picture yourself five years down the road. If the thought of still dealing with this makes your head spin, you may have your answer. Tough road ahead, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Far]

My friend, I feel for you. You are the very definition of a backup plan. Things went south with her lover, than she had you as Plan B to soften the blow. This isn't even a hunch. It's plainly written in your post. That is very worrisome.

 

What's stopping her from leaving you if OM has a change of heart and decides to rekindle things with your wife? What's stopping her from starting something with a new OM at the drop of a dime?

 

There is little remorse here. Sure, she's being honest now but I'm not quite sure it's for your sake. She must have realised the truth was going to come out sooner or later. As commendable as that is, it doesn't necessarily negate the damage done prior. All I see here is regret that she's been caught.

 

I feel the pain and confusion in your post. Even after all the crap she put you through, only you can choose whether to stay or leave. She has no say to your decision.

 

I strongly suggest IC for yourself. This stuff is traumatic.

[Matt77]

Far

 

His number is blocked through Verizon to contacting her. However, he DM'd her through Instagram asking her to come back over and have sex. She has refused him. He even admitted her rejections of him. She did want the rest of her stuff that she left over st his place. Clothes and some furniture. She told she wanted the bed and dresser set back so we could sell for money because things have been tight. But he will only give it up in exchange for sex. She said no and accepted the loss of that stuff.

[Matt77]

Mr. Lucky

 

Our daughter has been seeing a therapist. She is 9 years old. The super scary thing is. She acts as if none of this ever happened. My wife has apologized to her about taking her out of the home and doing what she did. She's apologized multiple times and my daughters response every time is "it's okay mommy". I have no idea if she really is okay. My guess is she will be about 13 or 14 and it will just hit her. She will ask herself wtf was all that about and maybe ask questions.

[Matt77]

Oh, I should mention that she's done this once before. Almost 11 years ago. Before we were married. She walked out on me and stayed on someone's couch to do drugs, party and was having sex with her drug dealer. This went on for a month and a half. This recent situation has made me wish I never took her back 11 years ago. But then I thought of my daughter too.

[Bryanp]

You deserve better than this.

Her actions have shown that she has

very little respect for you whatsoever.

If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

[JS84]

In all of your posts you haven't given one reason for why you should continue with this marriage. Although you've given plenty for why you should bail, and probably should have years ago. I really don't see your wife changing. And it doesn't sound like she's faced too many consequences. Especially considering the **** she pulled with your 9 year old daughter. Plan A kicked her to the curb so now she's back with reliable Plan B. What are you going to do when she cheats on you for the third time??? And that's assuming this episode and her cheating on you 11 years ago are the only two instances that she cheated.

Edited December 8, 2018 by JS84

[itmustbeme]

Oh, I should mention that she's done this once before. Almost 11 years ago. Before we were married. She walked out on me and stayed on someone's couch to do drugs, party and was having sex with her drug dealer. This went on for a month and a half. This recent situation has made me wish I never took her back 11 years ago. But then I thought of my daughter too.

 

Good God man why would you put up with this? She has done this before and she will do it again. Get rid of her she is a tramp that will always be looking for something else. Run while you can.

[stillafool]

You should have been gone and filed for joint custody. Your wife put her little girl in danger sleeping at some strange man's house so she can have sex with him. How can you even look at her again? Yuk! Be certain she will cheat again.

[Matt77]

We have a lot of history together. Good and bad. I was the first one to bring down our walls. I cheated 12 years ago on her. A one night stand. But then when I was deployed she heard about what I did and cheated on me. Slept with a guy twice. I only found out because he called me.

 

I then confessed to the one night stand. Then she told me she already knew about it and that's why she did it. We didn't even deal with it. We just kept going in our relationship. We had been engaged when we both ****ed up. So then I had one night stands with two separate girls. Then she has a miscarriage and is so distraught by it, that she leaves me for the drugs, alcohol, partying, and sex.

 

Because we weren't married, I shut of her cell phone, I took back the SUV we financed that was supposed to be for the family we were gonna start. She had nothing but some clothes and a couch to sleep on. She calls me from her friends cell phone and tells me she wants to come back. I tell her it's me or the drugs. She comes back.

 

We get married. A few months later were pregnant. Our fighter is born. And a year and half later we get orders to England (military words for my job moving abroad). Mind you, we didn't deal with all of our problems. We take day trips to London. We go to Paris for Disneyland and ect. We went to Scotland for a 3 day trip. I got deployed twice. She was faithful to me during both. Maybe our young daughter played a positive part in that. Idk.

 

Then we get orders to Florida. I separate from active duty. Things get a little rough financially. After a few months I get a civil service job. Meanwhile she goes back home to SD for her friends wedding while we are hurting financially. She comes back bounces from job to job. Then two years of us just being blah to each other goes by. She gets the job at the contempo spa working right along side some young 23 year old blonde partying girl.

 

It was running around with her young coworker is when she met the recent OM. From there you know the story.

[Jamess1]

Divorce her now...there is no marriage and there never will be... fight for full custody...she doesn't love you, doesn't like you, never did and never will...

 

There is no option, there is just ending this joke, you have already wasted 14 years, waste no more ... life is very short..

 

Get a DNA test for your child ASAP

 

Any other decision that doesn't involve a divorce, will be something you will live to regret.

[Matt77]

Since her becoming open and honest, she has been doing all these affair recovery efforts. She has been reading a book. Looking for counselors that take our insurance and binge watching affair recover videos from Affair Recovery.com. They have a channel on YouTube I've seen. We have crazy ass sex a lot. But yeah, I can't get the images from my mind. I know what the dude looks and sounds like. I just don't know if her change and efforts are permanent.

[Simple Logic]

I have read everything you posted. Given your current financial situation in may be cheaper to keep her short term. It might also be an opportunity to discuss a post nuputal agreement. You will both need an separate attorney for advice and contract the agreement. If you toss in the towel it will be a quick process.

Edited December 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed unnecessary quote

[Mr. Lucky]

We have crazy ass sex a lot.

 

Hope you’re using the big head also and not depending on her for birth control, the last thing you’d want now is another child. Be careful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Matt77]

Mr. Lucky

 

We are not using protection. She can't get pregnant anymore. We were going to see an infertility specialist until all this happened.

 

She said she would do a post nuptial agreement. And yeah I've thought about holding off filing because of Christmas coming up and financial stuff being the way it is.

[Matt77]

Good lord! Do you think my 9 year old daughter could be someone elses. Given what had happened just before we got married and pregnant shortly after, I actually thought about this. Like maybe she went back to him one or more times.

[Marc878]

It's possible. Only way to find out is DNA testing.

 

She only came back because her OM threw her out. You are plan B for now. If her other man hadn't dump her you'd still be out in the cold

 

You probably only know the tip of the iceberg. How many other men that you don't know about.

 

If she's a serial cheater (google it). You'll get a repeat.

[Ronni_W]

But yeah, I can't get the images from my mind. <snip> I just don't know if her change and efforts are permanent.

May I offer that you most likely DO have a pretty good gut suspicion that all of her efforts are genuine?

And, that the real problem is all those images in your mind. They are not easy to dissolve, but they can be worked on so that they are not so potent and traumatizing.

 

A pretty good, easy-to-apply self-help treatment is the Focusing method, by Gendlin. There are also YouTube videos. (The link is to a free PDF.)

Failing that, sessions with a cognitive therapist may yield good results.

 

Wishing you the best.

[Matt77]

I'm pretty set on divorce. I do love her, but her going off and doing what she did twice seems to be something I can't get past.

 

As far as repeat offenses, I was a serial cheater 12 years ago, but haven't acted out in 12 years. I've even had the want and chances to cheat over the years, but I've learned to listen to that thing inside me telling "this is going to a bad thing, it's wrong, don't do it", I listened and kept myself clean for 12 years now. If I can change, other can, right?

[JS84]

We have a lot of history together. Good and bad. I was the first one to bring down our walls. I cheated 12 years ago on her. A one night stand. But then when I was deployed she heard about what I did and cheated on me. Slept with a guy twice. I only found out because he called me.

 

I then confessed to the one night stand. Then she told me she already knew about it and that's why she did it. We didn't even deal with it. We just kept going in our relationship. We had been engaged when we both ****ed up. So then I had one night stands with two separate girls. Then she has a miscarriage and is so distraught by it, that she leaves me for the drugs, alcohol, partying, and sex.

 

Because we weren't married, I shut of her cell phone, I took back the SUV we financed that was supposed to be for the family we were gonna start. She had nothing but some clothes and a couch to sleep on. She calls me from her friends cell phone and tells me she wants to come back. I tell her it's me or the drugs. She comes back.

 

We get married. A few months later were pregnant. Our fighter is born. And a year and half later we get orders to England (military words for my job moving abroad). Mind you, we didn't deal with all of our problems. We take day trips to London. We go to Paris for Disneyland and ect. We went to Scotland for a 3 day trip. I got deployed twice. She was faithful to me during both. Maybe our young daughter played a positive part in that. Idk.

 

Then we get orders to Florida. I separate from active duty. Things get a little rough financially. After a few months I get a civil service job. Meanwhile she goes back home to SD for her friends wedding while we are hurting financially. She comes back bounces from job to job. Then two years of us just being blah to each other goes by. She gets the job at the contempo spa working right along side some young 23 year old blonde partying girl.

 

It was running around with her young coworker is when she met the recent OM. From there you know the story.

 

Sorry but most of this sounds just bad. Not sure where the good was. Your daughter??

 

As far as repeat offenses, I was a serial cheater 12 years ago, but haven't acted out in 12 years. I've even had the want and chances to cheat over the years, but I've learned to listen to that thing inside me telling "this is going to a bad thing, it's wrong, don't do it", I listened and kept myself clean for 12 years now. If I can change, other can, right?

 

You've learned and clearly your wife hasn't. And just because you changed doesn't mean you wife can, will, or even really wants to. Which is the same for most people. You need to put down the Hopium pipe. Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels.

 

Your wife has done absolutely nothing to repair the damage she's done. And her finally being somewhat honest after lying non-stop repeatedly isn't anything to get excited about. I'm also surprised you're not more mad about her bringing your daughter out with her affair partner and manipulating her. To me that should have been a deal breaker right there.

 

It's fine to want your wife to change, just don't sit around waiting for her to while you do nothing. Because there's a good chance she might not. And your daughter might be 9 now and not completely get what's going on, but as a former child I promise you she's picking some things up. And she'll absorb even more as she gets older older. The infidelity, the resentments, sleeping in different rooms, etc. Kids aren't stupid. You should be thinking about how you two are affecting your child. Too many parents think their kids are blind, deaf, and dumb when it comes to their own actions.

[usa1ah]

First mistake is not filling for divorce when she packed her stuff.

 

Next mistake is not getting a lawyer and filling for abandonment.

 

Third mistake is letting that thing you call a wife back in your home.

 

File for divorce and don’t say anything about it til your lawyer tells you what to do.

[usa1ah]

I'm pretty set on divorce. I do love her, but her going off and doing what she did twice seems to be something I can't get past.

 

As far as repeat offenses, I was a serial cheater 12 years ago, but haven't acted out in 12 years. I've even had the want and chances to cheat over the years, but I've learned to listen to that thing inside me telling "this is going to a bad thing, it's wrong, don't do it", I listened and kept myself clean for 12 years now. If I can change, other can, right?

 

No. Some people are weak and give in, like your wife.

[Ronni_W]

I'm pretty set on divorce.

That's excellent! You have clarity around what you want for yourself!

Get busy on interviewing and hiring a divorce attorney. (You don't need to announce it to her or anyone else until you're ready...after Christmas or after March Solstice, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that you now know what you want for yourself.)

[whichwayisup]

Give it time. This is all so new and continue with marriage counseling. Use the same person but you two should each do one on one therapy as well. Glad that your daughter is speaking to someone! She probably doesn't understand the full situation but she obviously knows enough since she was exposed to this other guy.

 

You and your wife have a history and entwined lives, a daughter so don't throw in the towel until you feel you've tried all options.

 

Is the OM completely out of the picture now? No contact?

 

As long as your wife is trying and fixing herself, making changes and working hard to make things right and be trustworthy again, give her time and a chance to prove herself to you. Make it clear to her that you will NOT tolerate anything less and if she cheats on you again with this OM or someone else, she's out and it's a divorce that will happen.