Took her back but now I'm not so sure.... (New)

[Mr. Lucky]

I never had any real doubts about spending the rest of my life with her or her being the last woman I would sleep with until this **** happened. All my dreams and beliefs have been called into question now. She can't have kids anymore. I wanted a son. Maybe another woman who wont destroy my heart can give me that.

 

Those are good reasons for divorcing her.

 

None of them support the dumb solution she's proposed and you're considering. Believing she'll be celibate while you sow your wild oats is the same as believing she'd be faithful during your marriage.

 

How'd that work out ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Matt77]

Somebody tell me in detail how I'm supposed to get custody of my daughter in the great state of "no fault state Florida where you can cheat on your spouse and we don't care and also side with females, crazy or not". Florida doesn't give a **** about this. They don't care that my kid was exposed to my wife smooching on another dude.

 

She lived with him from May 14th to July 2nd. It's been that long now. I didn't know she was living with him. Not wanting to involve my daughter in any further trauma, I was forced to ask my daughter queations about who lived there and if there was abuse. My wife got my daughter to lie about who's house it was and who lived there. Until recently when I reached out to the dude, she had me believe that the house she was living at was her coworker friend that's a female. There was no abuse that I know of. My daughter confirmed this and he confirmed it. So far he has been 100% honest about details and not being brazen or cocky about the affair because he was also lied to.

 

So what am I supposed to do custody wise. Again Florida doesn't care about the info above. She won't let her be with me for majority. A long drawn out legal battle that I lose anyway I see in my future...

Edited December 12, 2018 by Matt77

[Mr. Lucky]

Matt77, nobody "wins" in divorce, not you, your daughter or even your STBX wife.

 

What you can do in manage your side, custody included, to the best of your ability. This involves getting good legal representation and carefully following their advice. Best $$$ you'll ever spend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[40somethingGuy]

I'm reading what everyone is saying. Sorry I'm not replying specifically to each of you.

 

She's offered up that we separate for year where I can date anybody while she waits in celabacy. After that year she said I make my decision to be single or come back to her. I did not expect this! She admits how ****ed up it was of doing all this. How callous and destructive it was. She said she willing to do this to see what I really want while she tests herself in celabacy. Just wow

Doesn't mean she will actually live in celibacy.

[bigman1]

You don't "win" at divorce. You can get primary physical custody of your kid. Hire you a good lawyer, follow their advice, and increase your odds.

 

No one can guarantee you jack. But the thing is, she is facing losing just as much as you are. Also, she knows how much having a kid cramps her lifestyle. Still, the rule to win or at least come out ahead is as follows:

 

Get the best lawyer that you can afford. If you can find one that represents husbands and has a good handle on that, then awesome. If not, go with the best that you can afford. Then follow their advice. Don't bounce crap off a public forum. Don't "figure its a losing battle" or "men don't get a fair shake" or other psyching yourself out. A good lawyer will tell you about documenting stuff, doing background checks, and a whole lot more. Also, not writing stupid emails or texts to her that can be construed as threats of harm or self harm. No stalking. No giving in to the old bait and switch. Strike first, strike hard, and never relent.

[standtall]

OP, as far as being a sh****wife translates in to being a sh**** mom, as much as we think it should, the courts don't care in Florida. You're most likely going to get joint custody with no one paying child support, and if she's been a stay at home mom with no income for >7 yrs...you're gonna pay a lot of alimony...just warning you. Still, you are obviously the back up plan to the fat, bald guy, so punt that lying, cheating, b**** to the curb, get the meanest lawyer you can find, live in the cardboard box for 3-5 yrs, and you will be a happier man.

[Whoknew30]

Somebody tell me in detail how I'm supposed to get custody of my daughter in the great state of "no fault state Florida where you can cheat on your spouse and we don't care and also side with females, crazy or not". Florida doesn't give a **** about this. They don't care that my kid was exposed to my wife smooching on another dude.

 

She lived with him from May 14th to July 2nd. It's been that long now. I didn't know she was living with him. Not wanting to involve my daughter in any further trauma, I was forced to ask my daughter queations about who lived there and if there was abuse. My wife got my daughter to lie about who's house it was and who lived there. Until recently when I reached out to the dude, she had me believe that the house she was living at was her coworker friend that's a female. There was no abuse that I know of. My daughter confirmed this and he confirmed it. So far he has been 100% honest about details and not being brazen or cocky about the affair because he was also lied to.

 

So what am I supposed to do custody wise. Again Florida doesn't care about the info above. She won't let her be with me for majority. A long drawn out legal battle that I lose anyway I see in my future...

 

You go to an attorney & listen to exactly what they tell you to do, without her knowing anything.

[pepperbird]

Dude, don't do it.

She just setting you up to be the bad guy so she can say she left a cheater instead of you left a cheater.

 

If you are in US forces you can be prosecuted (Yeah I know its rare) for cheating (uniform code of justice).

 

.

 

 

This can and does happen. It's a real mess when it does.

[pepperbird]

OP, as far as being a sh****wife translates in to being a sh**** mom, as much as we think it should, the courts don't care in Florida. You're most likely going to get joint custody with no one paying child support, and if she's been a stay at home mom with no income for >7 yrs...you're gonna pay a lot of alimony...just warning you. Still, you are obviously the back up plan to the fat, bald guy, so punt that lying, cheating, b**** to the curb, get the meanest lawyer you can find, live in the cardboard box for 3-5 yrs, and you will be a happier man.

 

 

Alternatively, the op could push them together as much as he can. Ste it up so they end up getting married and she becomes HIS problem and the OP can walk away.

[standtall]

Alternatively, the op could push them together as much as he can. Ste it up so they end up getting married and she becomes HIS problem and the OP can walk away.

 

That would be a happy ending.

[Matt77]

You guys talking about me setting my STBXW and her former OM back together. While I win majority custody for my kid in court? So that I'm the one that ends up getting child support and because she is married again, gets no alimony.

Edited December 15, 2018 by Matt77

[Matt77]

Dating other people is not against the UCMJ. Adultery is, but it is extremely hard to prove. I have to be caught in the act and picture or video evidence I think. Or the woman I'm with has to say it happened in the court martial. I know this could be a very huge risk, but adultery is very hard to prove.

[Matt77]

I got her to put up her vehicle as collateral for a personal loan to debt consolidate. I'm seriously considering using the $18,000 dollar loan toward a constested divorce to get my kid and leave this marriage. It's not that I doubt who she is growing into now. It's the damage that was done and the fact that I didn't stand up for myself. I feel like the only way to reconcile the pain in my mind is to stab her back with this. I feel like an idiot for not doing the things I should have done in the moment. This is a way to get some of my pride back and show her there are consequences for these crazy actions of hers.

[aliveagain]

Making your child her accomplice while she cheated is unforgivable. People that get second chances get them because they deserve them. I am not sure what it is your getting back other then a serial cheater. Even the short, fat balding guy she left you for was smart enough to kick her cheating a$$ out. How many times does she have to burn you before you truly understand who she is? From what I have read in your post, she only came back because she had no where else to go. God forbid they send you away for a few months, can you trust her to be faithful or will you be making yourself crazy worrying about what's she doing? You don't have to have her in your life to be a great father. Love yourself more.

[Matt77]

I know. I still love her somehow. It goes back and forth in my mind. I know that she did a few things that would be categorized as unforgivable. As bad as an affair is, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed when having an affair. Two or more of them she broke. Having the affair out in the open and doing it right in front of our kid.

 

I'm tormented with her and without her. I am getting better at seeing life without her. I know it sounds stupid. I know I'm only holding off the inevitable. I can see no other way in my mind that I can stay with her. I know and have seen too much to make it to the other side.

 

But for some reason I don't have the balls to rake her ass through family court. She keeps sucking me back in with crying and sex. I tell her it's over and to just accept it. But then she cries and I cave. She looks so ****ing sad and I give in. She always nurtures me when I cry over what she did to me.

 

I know I could take her to court and win I think because the OM is willing to say what happened in court because she lied to him as well. Exposing our daughter to this and money spent outside the marital home. I could sapena the bank for the records too.

[Marc878]

I know. I still love her somehow. It goes back and forth in my mind. I know that she did a few things that would be categorized as unforgivable. As bad as an affair is, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed when having an affair. Two or more of them she broke. Having the affair out in the open and doing it right in front of our kid.

 

I'm tormented with her and without her. I am getting better at seeing life without her. I know it sounds stupid. I know I'm only holding off the inevitable. I can see no other way in my mind that I can stay with her. I know and have seen too much to make it to the other side.

 

But for some reason I don't have the balls to rake her ass through family court. She keeps sucking me back in with crying and sex. I tell her it's over and to just accept it. But then she cries and I cave. She looks so ****ing sad and I give in. She always nurtures me when I cry over what she did to me.

 

I know I could take her to court and win I think because the OM is willing to say what happened in court because she lied to him as well. Exposing our daughter to this and money spent outside the marital home. I could sapena the bank for the records too.

 

The only one that can keep you in this is you. Do you think she'd never do this again?

 

Now ask yourself this. Would you like to go though this again?

[SummerDreams]

You can't have your cheating wife comforting you because your wife cheated on you. This is not the time to have her as a friend. You need to confide in a relative, a friend or a therapist. You need to stay away from her and have someone remind you everyday how she treated you and most importantly how bad of a mother she showed she is. She will of course keep minimizing her mistakes and her cheating actions and she will tell you this is how she will be from now on, a loving and comforting wife, and you will start trusting her again until she feels safe to cheat again. Don't you see it?

[Matt77]

It's really horrible sometimes, now that I think about it. I think she's a female narcissist. I mean she can be really sweet, loving, and nurturing. But then when **** goes down, like the other day when I tried to tell her that it's over and just accept it. She started calling me names and saying that the OM I have been getting answers from about what happened, is my best friend. She literally says to me sometimes "oh are you gonna go talk to your best friend".

 

Like the OM that ****ed my wife is my best friend. I feel like these gas lighting comments are very narcissistic. It made me realize that I don't think I can take the good with the bad on this one. There are a lot of things that I can't take about this whole thing.

 

I'm that guy. I let myself be the backup that loves his narcissistic wife.

[DKT3]

It's really horrible sometimes, now that I think about it. I think she's a female narcissist. I mean she can be really sweet, loving, and nurturing. But then when **** goes down, like the other day when I tried to tell her that it's over and just accept it. She started calling me names and saying that the OM I have been getting answers from about what happened, is my best friend. She literally says to me sometimes "oh are you gonna go talk to your best friend".

 

Like the OM that ****ed my wife is my best friend. I feel like these gas lighting comments are very narcissistic. It made me realize that I don't think I can take the good with the bad on this one. There are a lot of things that I can't take about this whole thing.

 

I'm that guy. I let myself be the backup that loves his narcissistic wife.

 

What you describe is more sociopathic. Sweet and charismatic then uncaring and cruel.

 

Ultimately, she feels in total control, and honestly you continue to give her your power.

[Simple Logic]

You keep posting you are going to divorce her and get sole custody based on the adultry. It is very unlikely a court will agree with your contention that her adultry is grounds to award you sole custody.

[Matt77]

Simplelogic,

 

I have no idea what a judge or family law would do if they knew the affair was carried out right in front of our 9 year old daughter. I have no idea what they will do about her throwing things at me and breaking things in the house right in front of our daughter. Or the screaming she does right in front of our daughter. Or how she locks her and our daughter in a room away from me all because she can't accept that I want a divorce and she knows that the other guy will say what happened in court and it will be damning.

 

I will also have my lawyer request a psych eval. If people other than me only knew everything about her like I mostly do, the eval will have some telling results. I mean what kind of person does it take to carry out an affair right in front of their kid. To drinking and driving with their kid in the car. Or throw **** at their father or break **** in the house. Our daughter cries everytime this stuff happens. All because my wife doesn't like that I want a divorce.

 

Are you trying to say those things don't weigh as much as I think they're going to weigh in family law. Or did you not know about some of what I just said.

[stillafool]

I know. I still love her somehow. It goes back and forth in my mind. I know that she did a few things that would be categorized as unforgivable. As bad as an affair is, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed when having an affair. Two or more of them she broke. Having the affair out in the open and doing it right in front of our kid.

 

I'm tormented with her and without her. I am getting better at seeing life without her. I know it sounds stupid. I know I'm only holding off the inevitable. I can see no other way in my mind that I can stay with her. I know and have seen too much to make it to the other side.

 

But for some reason I don't have the balls to rake her ass through family court. She keeps sucking me back in with crying and sex. I tell her it's over and to just accept it. But then she cries and I cave. She looks so ****ing sad and I give in. She always nurtures me when I cry over what she did to me.

 

I know I could take her to court and win I think because the OM is willing to say what happened in court because she lied to him as well. Exposing our daughter to this and money spent outside the marital home. I could sapena the bank for the records too.

 

Stop having sex with her or you will never get over her. Go out and have sex with other women.

[Maraud3r]

Stop having sex with her, stop seeing her, stop constantly sticking with her. You're not allowing yourself to grow apart from her, instead you're desperately holding onto her even though most everyone else would try and run because she's toxic.

 

Her "offer" is bull****. She'd get a nice house and could see whomever she wants for a year. Which for a woman is surprisingly easy. While she waits for you to see someone else, then paint you as cheater and go for the jugular. That you even consider going along with this is beyond me.

 

Also, you're so worried about keeping your daughter, yet refuse to take a paternity test. Because frankly, I think the daughter is more of an excuse to stay with this woman.

 

Your behaviour where your wife is concerned is NOT healthy, it's abnormal to the extreme.

[Matt77]

I get everybody saying what they are saying. I kinda really want divorce. But here's the cold hard reality.

 

I'm gonna be active duty again soon. The courts and a judge aren't going to award me with custody, even with what's happened and proof of it. Why, because when your active duty, you are deployable. So she would just go with her mother anyway.

 

So if she is gonna be with her mother, a year legal seperation allows her to get on her feet. I know I know, I don't owe her a goddamn thing after what she has done. I get that part. But I don't need to be worrying about my daughter with a mom that doesn't have her **** together.

 

If you think that courts would see me fit of having most of the time with our daughter, think again. I live in Florida. Maybe if I wasn't going active duty I could take this to trial and get my daughter for majority. But I'm going back to AD military so there ya go.

 

With a legal separation everything is drawn out like a divorce except the last signature to make it final. This allows her healthcare while she stands on her feet. If she wants to prove she can remain celibate and stand on her feet alone, well then we'll see how I feel after a year. If she can make it. If she can't than the legal separation turns into a divorce with the stroke of the pen from both of us.

 

She said go ahead and date to see the grass on the other side. Also it's admittedly to kinda even the score. I know I'm risking hurting someone else, but I really am going to go into this trying to date someone with good intentions. Allowing myself to be ready to sign a divorce at the end of the year. I do not see myself man-whoring it up. I just not that guy. I never was. Alright everybody. Let's hear it....

[usa1ah]

Stay safe.