carhill Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Kudos to you and your H for having honest and clear conversations; my only suggestion would be to have them outside the bedroom, if they're going to touch on matters like paternity and affairs. Keep the bedroom for lovemaking and rebuilding that positive bond between you. Perhaps a decade from now, if you're still at it, this will all seem as a distant and dim memory. These things take time. Keep the lines of communication open. Sounds like you have a strong and relatively transparent partner. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Is your husband in therapy? Will you be doing couple/marriage therapy?? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 He'd make a great role model for the kids. Sorry in advance for my unpopular opinion, but their kid(s) may turn out feeling resentful toward the father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 10, 2018 Author Share Posted December 10, 2018 Is your husband in therapy? Will you be doing couple/marriage therapy?? He finally did get himself in some counselling. And he wants to b do marriage counsellor. We seen one almost two months ago and she thought it was best to wait minimum three months of living together again before reconsidering it. Link to post Share on other sites
YoungCandy Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 I am envy of you that you guys can still have this kind of conversations after so many things had happened. I try to talk about anything relation wise with my wife and it always ended in another fight. Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Wow. Your story is really sad. It is sad because you two are headed for an even more dysfunctional relationship that has the real potential to end horribly. Your husband needs help with his serious co-dependency. He is apologizing to you for his feelings caused by your cheating?! All of your loving pronouncements are really not substantive acts. It sounds good, but come on. If you want to help your husband, DEMAND that he get help with his co-dependency. See, a healthy relationship needs healthy partners. HE is NOT!!! I don't say get him help so that he can leave you, but you two won't be good without it. Marriage counseling is worthless at this point. You have to deal with your issues too. You are a serial cheater. You are bringing this kid into a literal sh&t storm. Healthy people can forgive and forge on. You guys...your husband...your history...without more...doomed. Move aggressively on this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Is your husband in therapy? Will you be doing couple/marriage therapy?? Let me elaborate a bit...what kind of value system is her husband showing to the kids? That the one who has been betrayed in the worst possible way should apologize and beg for another chance, over and over again?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 12, 2018 Author Share Posted December 12, 2018 Wow. Your story is really sad. It is sad because you two are headed for an even more dysfunctional relationship that has the real potential to end horribly. Your husband needs help with his serious co-dependency. He is apologizing to you for his feelings caused by your cheating?! All of your loving pronouncements are really not substantive acts. It sounds good, but come on. If you want to help your husband, DEMAND that he get help with his co-dependency. See, a healthy relationship needs healthy partners. HE is NOT!!! I don't say get him help so that he can leave you, but you two won't be good without it. Marriage counseling is worthless at this point. You have to deal with your issues too. You are a serial cheater. You are bringing this kid into a literal sh&t storm. Healthy people can forgive and forge on. You guys...your husband...your history...without more...doomed. Move aggressively on this. He had started counselling a few months ago. And the marriage counsellor thought we should wait on marriage counselling. While working on our marriage is important, for now, it kind of on back burner. I had to cancel my own counselling since I'm in the hospital. Instead, I've been journaling a lot more. My husband despite wanting to take a break promised me he'd continue going. He's feeling so overwhelmed these days with everything going on. Our family needs him at his best. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 He told me he loved me and then admitted that he wished I would have just told him the truth in the first place about the chance of our daughter not being his. Because he has been feeling out of control with the situation ever since. He did ask me if I'd been in contact with the other man lately, and I said no. It's the truth. A man who remains in such a situation merely violates himself, he lies to to himself, he defiles what makes him a man.. he must leave now. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 A man who remains in such a situation merely violates himself, he lies to to himself, he defiles what makes him a man.. he must leave now. Right now he has a premature baby in the NICU so he has much more pressing priorities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted December 20, 2018 Share Posted December 20, 2018 He had started counselling a few months ago. And the marriage counsellor thought we should wait on marriage counselling. While working on our marriage is important, for now, it kind of on back burner. I had to cancel my own counselling since I'm in the hospital. Instead, I've been journaling a lot more. My husband despite wanting to take a break promised me he'd continue going. He's feeling so overwhelmed these days with everything going on. Our family needs him at his best. I know it might sound awful to say it, but sometimes a crisis like this can really bring a husband and wife together. If you can be there for each other and support one another through your baby being premature, it bodes well for your future as a couple. Once you're both doing well, keep up the work,and don't get discouraged. Just look at how far you've already come! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 21, 2018 Share Posted December 21, 2018 Rainbow, I hope you know that this is basically your last shot at having a regular family life with someone - as regular as it can be under the circumstances, anyway. I don’t care about adages about how “it’s never too late” and all that. There does come a point when it is too late, there comes a point when the ability to salvage things is gone. And I’m not just talking about with your current husband. I’m talking about the potential for any future husband because your history will haunt you no matter which way you turn from here on out. Make it right with this guy, with this life, with this family. There’s more than one reason why cheating is discouraged. Not only does it hurt the innocent bystanders but it also hurts the one who cheats. You pay a price through shame, through knowing you caused such chaos - some of it lasting - to so many. Learn from it and take that option off the table forever. It’s merely a choice not to cheat. A choice to do the right thing for others and for yourself. The man you’re now with is the guy. I hope you can see that now and for years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron007 Posted December 22, 2018 Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) There are so many reasons why he stays: - He may be lacking in confidence, i.e. he may have decided that OP is a catch, and he's out of her league, and he will never meet and marry anyone as hot, beautiful, sexy, young as OP here, so he'll stay with her though she is a serial cheater. - He may be hoping that OP here may stop cheating at some point. - He may be very attached to the kids even though one is not his, and worried that if he leaves, it will adversely impact them. Not true, but he may believe that. - He may be worried that once he leaves, OP will hook up with men who would pose a danger to his kids. - He may be worried about financial implications of the divorce. - He may have realized that he is fine being married a woman who likes to have sex with many men even within a marriage, i.e., an open marriage from her side. - He may be afraid being "alone". - He may be afraid of what society/friends/colleagues may think if he divorces her. - He may have internalized that infidelity is not a dealbreaker for him, since she's had multiple affairs and he does not want to divorce her. - He may be depressed. etc. etc. Edited December 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 22, 2018 Author Share Posted December 22, 2018 (edited) My husband has told me to stop hanging up over why he stays because according to him his internal reasons if he doesn't give a reason why beyond what he tells me are his reasons alone. All that I need to know according to him is that he wants to be with me, his reasons for wanting to be with me are genuine and that unless at any time I feel like his reasons aren't, then just best to accept it. For now, I'll just accept things the way they are, as we have a lot on our plate right now. But one thing I will say is, he is a good man, he is a good catch. I don't say that because he is my husband. But he is good looking. He is in good shape, handsome, looks a good 5 to 10 years younger then he is. We don't look almost 11 years apart. Not to mention he is hard working, a great father, and there has never been anyone who I could count on as much as I could him. I've been told; I've got a good man. None of those have seen or know about the **** I've done, but they envy there. So I know if we were to have divorced, he'd have no problem picking up an equal and no doubt better woman than me. Edited December 22, 2018 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Asw27 Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 Your husband is a fool for staying with you. A damn fool. How does this post contribute to the discussion? In what sense is it supposed to help the OP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 I wish you luck Rainbow. It does seem that you have finally realized how fortunate you really are. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 23, 2018 Share Posted December 23, 2018 My husband has told me to stop hanging up over why he stays because according to him his internal reasons if he doesn't give a reason why beyond what he tells me are his reasons alone. I hope you will take this to heart. When you go on about why he stays etc. you are making it all about you. You are looking for reassurance from him. Meanwhile, he is trying to make it through what must be quite hellish for him, as it is for you. If you want to stay married to him, deal with your insecurities about your marriage in counseling for now. Hopefully the two of you will get in counseling together when you are able. Meanwhile, treat him with love and understanding and STOP sharing with him all of your worries regarding his reasons. You're just going to have to accept that he is doing as he choses, and if he changes his mind or can't handle it anymore at some point, then you'll be left to deal with the fallout. Anyway, do stop talking to him about why he's with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted December 28, 2018 Author Share Posted December 28, 2018 I'm returning to therapy in the new year after a couple week hiatus. I had felt selfish at first with my daughter being in the NICU but after talking with my husband, my mental health is important and he's taking six weeks of paid paternity leave to help out. Link to post Share on other sites
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