Mother gives me hell cause of my cat...

[Lorenza]

Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds, we have just had a big conflict due to me taking my cat to the vet. It has always been an issue if I ever mentioned to her that I should go get him checked, since he had some worrisome symptoms. The vet prices in Sweden are extreme by the way, it's very expensive even if you pay insurance, which I do and it's also a problem to her. My mom gets pissed if I spend any money on my cat or show any care about him. She claims that an animal is lower than a person and I should just let him live out his life span. She hates it when "people love animals more than other people".

So few days ago my cat got seriously sick and I raised the money from my friends and aquintances (everybody chimed in with what they could), because I'm a bit broke after some difficult time in my life, and took my cat to the vet. There was nothing seriously wrong with him, but I'm glad I finally made sure.

It didn't sit well with my mom when I mentioned it to her. She blew up that this means I love my cat more than her because I could have taken that money and done something else with it, like give to her. I tried to explain that it would make me a scammer but she won't hear it. She is now victimizing herself telling me how I will drive her to an early grave with how "angry I write to her" (,of course I'm angry! I'm not swearing at her or calling names, just trying to debunk her logic and telling my understanding is different) and how i love my cat more than her - it just becomes a huge drama.

I dont feel at all like taking time to reassure her at moments like that, because it feels like emotional blackmail. She has issues, especially after the divorce.

And when I'm angry she immediately turns it around that she was just simply expressing an innocent opinion and I blew up on her, while in reality I blew up after she started writing how I don't love her because I'd rather use the money I raised on her

[Lorenza]

Any ideas what to do?

[Ronni_W]

Lorenza,

 

I would say that if you have to borrow money to take proper full care of your cat, then you ought to consider postponing being a pet owner for the time being.

 

Your mom is also wrong to think that you should borrow money to give to her or to pay any other financial obligations that you may have; and that, if you don't, then you don't love her.

She is equating spending money with love, and that is incorrect and a false view of love.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza,

 

I would say that if you have to borrow money to take proper full care of your cat, then you ought to consider postponing being a pet owner for the time being.

 

Your mom is also wrong to think that you should borrow money to give to her or to pay any other financial obligations that you may have; and that, if you don't, then you don't love her.

She is equating spending money with love, and that is incorrect and a false view of love.

 

I have had my cat for 4 years. Recently I've had a loss that affected my ability to work, besides I spent a lot on flight tickets the very next day I heard about the loss, chimed in for the funeral, and spent a big amount on converting all our family tapes into digital ones in a desperate attempt to save them after experiencing that loss and having a feeling of desperation. I bought my mom tickets to fly to me on Christmas. So I didn't have the money for a vet right now, it was 500 dollars, half of it will be returned to me by the insurance. And my friends didn't lend, they gave away

[elaine567]

I know you lost your grandmother recently, was she your mother's mother?

[Lorenza]

I know you lost your grandmother recently, was she your mother's mother?

 

Yes, but she was like that even before, this is nothing new.

I can never talk about my cat to her without drama. She doesn't think i should care too much about him, but I do, i happen to love my cat as well, it doesnt mean I dont love my family or make him into a human as she claims

[elaine567]

Yes, but she was like that even before, this is nothing new.

I can never talk about my cat to her without drama. She doesn't think i should care too much about him, but I do, i happen to love my cat as well, it doesnt mean I dont love my family or make him into a human as she claims

 

 

I guess she is feeling rather fragile at the moment i doubt it is anything to do with the cat...

[Lorenza]

I guess she is feeling rather fragile at the moment i doubt it is anything to do with the cat...

 

As I said, she was exactly like that before. We had the exact same argument when I wanted to get my cat to the vet and also when I wasn't able to find a catsitter and had to come back home a little bit earlier (a few days).

I don't know how to convince her it's normal to care for your pet. I'm not even overly caring, just trying to be a decent owner and get things done even if I run out of money, with help from others. She thinks I'm ridiculous. And mind you, she isn't in any way financialy responsible for me, ever since I turned 18, and she isn't empowerished in any way.

[brigit87]

Yes, but she was like that even before, this is nothing new.

I can never talk about my cat to her without drama. She doesn't think i should care too much about him, but I do, i happen to love my cat as well, it doesnt mean I dont love my family or make him into a human as she claims

 

Don't talk about the cat to your mom. But you HAVE to take the cat to the vet if she medical care. That's the humane thing to do.

[anika99]

Do you live with your mom? Maybe you should just stop talking about the cat when speaking to your mom. Since you say she has always been this way then you know anytime you mention anything you do for your cat its going to turn into a drama, so just stop telling her about anything having to do with the cat.

 

Or is this not really about the cat? Are you really just wanting to discuss your problems with your mom and the cat is just one example?

[Lorenza]

Don't talk about the cat to your mom. But you HAVE to take the cat to the vet if she medical care. That's the humane thing to do.

 

Į know that I have to.

[Lorenza]

Do you live with your mom? Maybe you should just stop talking about the cat when speaking to your mom. Since you say she has always been this way then you know anytime you mention anything you do for your cat its going to turn into a drama, so just stop telling her about anything having to do with the cat.

 

Or is this not really about the cat? Are you really just wanting to discuss your problems with your mom and the cat is just one example?

 

No, we live in different countries. I am used to discussing completely everything with her and since my childhood I was never able to lie or omit something from her. I decide not telling her but end up blurting out cause I feel guilty if I don't. Wish she could just stop making it about herself.

[anika99]

It may also have a lot with the way your mom was raised and taught to view animals. Both of my grandparents were kind generous people but they did not view their dogs as equal family members. They weren't cruel, they just lived in a time when pets were seen as possessions.

 

Their dogs were rarely even allowed in the house. If it was cold they were allowed into the garage or on the back porch, otherwise they were outside. My grandparents didn't wring their hands over what pet food was best or lose any sleep over every ailment one of their dogs might come down with. There was always a huge bag of cheap supermarket dog kibble and table scraps were also a regular staple of their diet. If a dog came down with a minor illness he either got better on his own or not. If it was something really serious then my grandparents figured the dogs time had come and a trip to the vet meant it was time to say goodbye. Remarkably their dogs lived mostly healthy lives and normal lifespans.

 

They would roll over in their grave if they saw how much time and money I spend on my dog, lol. He sleeps on my bed, gets the best food and requires expensive medication for his back problem. He gets long walks and off leash time everyday but he is an indoor dog. Times have changed. Maybe your mom just hasn't ever loved a pet or never had a cat and can't relate to the experience of loving or bonding with an animal.

[salparadise]

How old are you? Actually, it makes little difference how old you are since you're living independently, but I'm guessing you're young. I think you have an enmeshed relationship with your mother. Enmeshed relationships are exploitive and characterized by a lack of boundaries. In a parent-child relationship the parent may think of the child as an extension of themselves, and expect the child to always do as the parent thinks rather than being self-directed.

 

The etiology is a parent who validates for meeting expectations (being who they want you to be), but not for inherent value or for being autonomous. In fact, autonomy may be discouraged. By withholding, the parent creates a child who desperately needs their validation, but the child must submit to their terms (being an extension of the parent) to receive it.

 

The solution is to learn to be much more autonomous and assertive, and to lovingly enforce healthy boundaries with your mother. If you can get to the point where you don't need her approval for everything, then you can simply say, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way but I feel differently and this is my decision." She will have no choice but to accept your new terms. She will try drama but you just ignore it and make gentle, loving, assertive statements. A good therapist can teach you these skills.

 

Walking the fine line of enmeshment

 

Patterns in mother-daughter relationships

[thefooloftheyear]

Not sure how old your mom is, but there are quite a few old timers that see the way people treat animals in this day and age as ridiculous and over the top...I know my parents did...We had cats and dogs, but they never went to the vet...If they got banged up or sick, it was up to them to get over it...And they usually did, surprisingly..

 

I'm not nuts about my animals(like some people hold birthday parties for them), but I do take them to the vet when its warranted..

 

It just may be that type of issue...Just don't bring it up and do what you want with your money/time...If she says anything, just ignore it and/or change the subject...Its not worth getting into a rift over..

 

TFY

[FMW]

While it would be wonderful if you could discuss everything with your mother, for the sake of your relationship you probably need to pick and choose what you share.

 

My mother is a wonderful person and especially being her only child we've always been close. But I learned at a very early age to choose my battles, and certain conversations I know will just never go well so I avoid them. My mother is now in her 70s, and especially after losing my father a few years ago she's only gotten less tolerant of things she doesn't understand or agree with.

 

So from experience, I would say stay away from topics you know will cause friction if you want to avoid unpleasant conversations. It may not be "right" of "fair", but it's reality.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. Your mom sounds mean and ignorant, frankly, about animals. No, you should NOT let her have any influence over taking care of your cat. She's dead wrong about it and has a glaring lack of empathy and is flat-out cruel. You keep setting money slowly aside to care for your cat and just tell her the cat is your friend and your responsibility and that you don't want to hear about it. I hope you can just move out one day.

[Lorenza]

I'm sorry. Your mom sounds mean and ignorant, frankly, about animals. No, you should NOT let her have any influence over taking care of your cat. She's dead wrong about it and has a glaring lack of empathy and is flat-out cruel. You keep setting money slowly aside to care for your cat and just tell her the cat is your friend and your responsibility and that you don't want to hear about it. I hope you can just move out one day.

 

I do not live with my mom for more than 10 years, soon 11. We don't even live in the same country. But we talk online everyday and have always been very close. I'm probably gonna go with other posters suggestion with avoiding the topic rather than trying to explain it further or even say that she's flat-out cruel, cause it would not sit well with her. I think I'll avoid showing any kind of surprise, when she doesn't show too much of an empathy to my cat. She is, like others suggested, a very old-timey kind of person.

That being said, she does sometimes feed the strays and interacts with animals with great pleasure. But she thinks that sick animals should just live out their life spans. It would probably be a little bit different if it didn't cost that much, but the price was a complete shock to her and she was telling me how unfair of me to pay such money for an animal while there are people who can't avoid medical care.

We're just too different on this aspect...

[Lorenza]

How old are you? Actually, it makes little difference how old you are since you're living independently, but I'm guessing you're young. I think you have an enmeshed relationship with your mother. Enmeshed relationships are exploitive and characterized by a lack of boundaries. In a parent-child relationship the parent may think of the child as an extension of themselves, and expect the child to always do as the parent thinks rather than being self-directed.

 

The etiology is a parent who validates for meeting expectations (being who they want you to be), but not for inherent value or for being autonomous. In fact, autonomy may be discouraged. By withholding, the parent creates a child who desperately needs their validation, but the child must submit to their terms (being an extension of the parent) to receive it.

 

The solution is to learn to be much more autonomous and assertive, and to lovingly enforce healthy boundaries with your mother. If you can get to the point where you don't need her approval for everything, then you can simply say, "Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way but I feel differently and this is my decision." She will have no choice but to accept your new terms. She will try drama but you just ignore it and make gentle, loving, assertive statements. A good therapist can teach you these skills.

 

Walking the fine line of enmeshment

 

Patterns in mother-daughter relationships

 

I'm not very young, already 29. But to be honest being enmeshed with your parents is a very cultural think where I come from. Everyone's parents are highly involved in their lives. I don't complain, but I just wish I could avoid the conflict. Next time I won't tell, or just mention and then completely ignore her attempts to make me feel guilty for it. Will try to stay more assertive, as you say

[preraph]

Well, great. You don't live with her, and she doesn't need to know how you spend your money or even if you have pets, I guess. You just need to learn what not to tell her. I mean, just do not tell her anything about it. It's your money, and it's your pet. That pet is your responsibility.

 

I don't like putting elderly pets through a lot because it's as hard on them as the disease, so if they're just really old and it's nothing I can't treat without putting them through a lot of fright or pain, I wait until they're not having fun anymore and put them down. I have one right now, a dog, that may have lymphatic cancer and they vet would like to do all this stuff that would make my dog, who feels perfect right now and is happy, feel bad and frighten her. She's very old. I'm not doing it. But if she was young, I'd consider if she has a good chance at recovery and make that decision. Usually the treatment for cancer is worse than the cancer.

 

I don't see any reason to let a pet go through a natural death though. It's not fun. I'm glad your cat is better and you did the right thing. You just need to draw boundaries with your mom about it. Sometimes it's good to get a parents' opinion on money matters, but if you already know they disagree, just don't!