My wife of 10 years left me

[Iamyoungjuan]

Hey everyone just need someone to vent to

 

I been with my wife for 13years 10 married we have 5 beautiful kids together now me and my wife always had our ups and downs a month ago she left me and moved out says she doesn't want to be together anymore but she doesn't want a divorce I asked her is there anyway we can work things out she said no she is done her reason for leaving is she say I can't keep her happy and she cant be herself with me.

 

Last week she came to get the rest of her things and I asked her for a hug she smiled and gave me a hug when she left I texted her to ask can we try marriage counseling she said yeah she also said that she will come to spend a night with me and out of the blue two days ago she changed her mind and said she dont wanna come spend time with me and that she dont wanna try the marriage counseling anymore that she just dont wanna be together anymore

 

I been begging and trying to get her back for over a month but nothing is working what should I do I really need some advice

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. What of the children - are they staying with you? Do they have contact with their mother? They would be my primary concern right now?

 

Have you had other problems with your marriage in the past? What were these “ups and downs?” I only ask because I’m trying to understand - has your wife really reached the end of the road, or is there someone else?

 

Based on the rather impulsive decision to leave the marriage, her unwillingness to work on things or attend marriage counselling, and the fact that she wants to keep you on the hook (she doesn't want a divorce) - I would be very suspitious that there is another man and she is exploring other options right now. A woman does not just make the decision one day to leave her marriage and break up her family when she has five children for no good reason. There has to be more to this story...

Edited December 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yes the kids are with her she has cheated on me in the past and I stuck around I asked her plenty of time is there someone else she says no the ups and downs we had was because I was jealous of her when she went out and things like that because I was afraid that she was going to cheat on me again I never kept her from going places but when she did go out I would act funny to her when she came home like not wanting to kiss her not knowing what she was out there doing

 

We both say bad things to each other when we angry but I always apologize and she use that against me. I feel like she like to hang out and party alot and she feel like she cant do that with me I also feel like there is another man but she keeps telling me theres not

[Marc878]

Begging is the worst thing you can do. It just pushes them farther away.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Read up on the 180

 

If I were you I'd check my phone bill

 

Cheaters lie a lot

[BaileyB]

Yes the kids are with her she has cheated on me in the past and I stuck around I asked her plenty of time is there someone else she says no the ups and downs we had was because I was jealous of her when she went out and things like that because I was afraid that she was going to cheat on me again I never kept her from going places but when she did go out I would act funny to her when she came home like not wanting to kiss her not knowing what she was out there doing

 

We both say bad things to each other when we angry but I always apologize and she use that against me. I feel like she like to hang out and party alot and she feel like she cant do that with me I also feel like there is another man but she keeps telling me theres not

 

Ok. There is more context and a lot of history here... Those aren't exactly run of the mill, "ups and downs...."

 

Why you are begging her to come back is beyond me... It's quite clear that the two of you have a very unhealthy relationship. Perhaps it's time to consider that you are toxic together, and the best thing you can do for the FIVE children you have brought into this mess of a relationship is end it.

 

Are you not concerned about the wellbeing of your children, living with a self proclaimed "party girl" who is probably cheating with another man? Perhaps, it's time to talk to a lawyer and look at getting a custody arragement for your children... Just saying.

Edited December 8, 2018 by BaileyB

[Iamyoungjuan]

We habe alot of good times and the good do outway the bad I really do love my wife and I wanna keep my family together but its nothing I can do at this point

[PegNosePete]

she said no she is done her reason for leaving is she say I can't keep her happy and she cant be herself with me.

So the first thing I would have replied to that is, who is keeping you happy, and who can you be yourself with?

 

It's pretty clear there's another man involved here. Guaranteed.

 

two days ago she changed her mind and said she dont wanna come spend time with me and that she dont wanna try the marriage counseling anymore

She only agreed to those things to stop you begging. She never intended to actually go through with them and cancelling was her plan all along.

 

You need to wake up here. She has left you for another man. Now you need to file for divorce and begin the slow process of moving on with your life.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Juan, the first thing you've got to do is start respecting yourself. If you do not then do not expect anyone else especially your wife, to do so. Secondly, you have to man up and face the situation head on. Your wife has left you a month ago and from all accounts she has no plans to move back in with you. It is obvious that she has someone else lined up and you are being kept on the back burner just in case things do not work out with the other guy. This is the reason she does not want to divorce right now. However, when she has sewn up things you will receive the divorce papers from her. From everything that you have written about your wife it is apparent that she is the partying kind of girl and you were not the guy to satisfy her needs.

 

Stop begging, implement the 180 and then file for divorce and have her served. Have you tried to find out where she is living? With five kids in tow she would need a proper place to accommodate them. Also is she working? Have the two of you got a formal separation agreement in place? Are you paying her child support and any money over and above for her to support herself? Whatever else you do, do not chase after her. Instead start going to the gym and working out and also get yourself a new ward robe. Start going out on your own with your friends. If you do run into her anywhere, just ignore her. Do things that make you happy and stop thinking about her. Best wishes.

[Matt77]

Everyone here is correct. This just litaraly happened to me earlier this year. Only we have one kid instead of 5. But everything else is pretty much exact.

 

There is another man. Accept it. It's been happening longer than you know. Trust me it's hard to cope. I wish Inhad had the resource of this forum and knowledge that I do now.

 

She doesn't want to give up the marraige because of all the benefits the marriage gives her. Health insurance, income, and you, the fall back in case her affair doesn't work out. I know this sucks to hear but it is absolute fact.

 

I did the same thing. Before she actaully left me, I would ask for marriage counseling. I would beg her and tell and show her I was different. More attentive. The day she left I said "Hey can we just talk about this". She left and we never had that talk. They just say "yes" to give you hope and shut you up. We actually did go to one session. It was a waste. Yeah we talked about real problems that went on in the marraige, but when the counselor asked about infidelity. She lied.

 

Even when I found put she was having an affair. I begged her to work it out. Unfortunately the affair just has to run it's course.

 

Listen to me and these other people. Begging or making deals with her is the worst thing. Do the 180 or no contact (except contact regarding only your kids or divorce proceedings). Doing so will scare her into the affair for lifting. Hit her with divorce papers. That will further snap her out of it. And if it doesn't atleast you have your self respect. Work on you and protect your kids. Do it and do it now!!

[Iamyoungjuan]

Thanks for all the advice things are still looking bad for me she was supposed to come over today to spend a couple hours and to have sex but she changed her mind today so I deleted her number and changed mind and blocked her on all social media I for sure think its another man but she keep on saying its not but shes a cheater

 

She also told me to move on she doesnt wanna ever get back together

[Matt77]

That's what I told you. She said some things to keep your Hope's up and string you along.

 

Sounds like your taking back the power. That no contact will drive her crazy and lift the fog of the affair.

 

And if she is really for real about not ever reconciling, then no contact allows you to move on easier. That's what it's for anyway.

 

Get that lawyer too and start showing her all the perks of having an affair while drawing on the benefits of still being married are disappearing. I only wish I had known to do this in my situation. I'll be honest. I lacked the knowledge or the balls to do it. You came here for advice. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Stop enabling her immature behavior.

Edited December 14, 2018 by Matt77

[Fugu]

Yes the kids are with her she has cheated on me in the past and I stuck around I asked her plenty of time is there someone else she says no the ups and downs we had was because I was jealous of her when she went out and things like that because I was afraid that she was going to cheat on me again I never kept her from going places but when she did go out I would act funny to her when she came home like not wanting to kiss her not knowing what she was out there doing

 

We both say bad things to each other when we angry but I always apologize and she use that against me. I feel like she like to hang out and party alot and she feel like she cant do that with me I also feel like there is another man but she keeps telling me theres not

 

It seems like there are deep structural problems within the marriage -- like in terms of how you communicate with each other and perhaps your value systems differ as well. It's very difficult to remain happily married under those circumstances. Her periodic adultery probably means that she stopped thinking of this as a conventional marriage a long time ago; it's more like a partnership now. It's probably healthier for you to see it that way. Maybe it can become a marriage again, but it will never be the kind of marriage it was when you first tied the knot. Those days are over. The question is whether you two can live with that.

 

I'm not sure there's any advice that can save your marriage, but you can at least take control of yourself. I would not beg her to come back home, but I would communicate with her. It might actually be healthy for you two to spend some time apart and periodically go out on 'dates' together in which you two just spend time alone and talk. Or maybe not - I don't know.

 

Good luck

[Fugu]

Thanks for all the advice things are still looking bad for me she was supposed to come over today to spend a couple hours and to have sex but she changed her mind today so I deleted her number and changed mind and blocked her on all social media I for sure think its another man but she keep on saying its not but shes a cheater

 

She also told me to move on she doesnt wanna ever get back together

 

You can divorce, but I would at least try to see if there's a way to have a more constructive relationship with your soon-to-be ex.

 

I think her moving out is a good thing - you both need some time apart from each other. Don't lie to yourself and pretend like things were somehow good or fine when she was living there, because you surely know that's not the case.

 

Perhaps the thing to do is to accept that she's out of the house for the time being. I wouldn't serve her with papers just yet, but that's just me. I'd try to just get some clarity on some issues, like why did she cheat? What does she see as the problem in the marriage? Don't think about your response, just listen. Note that listening to her, letting her speak doesn't mean you agree with her and I'd make that abundantly clear:

 

"I'm gonna let you talk. I wanna hear your side of it. I'll listen. I'll listen completely. But that doesn't mean I have to agree with everything you're saying. And when you're done, then I'll have my chance to speak. Deal?"

[ChatroomHero]

First cancel every credit card in her name and yours, then clear out any joint bank account with her on it. If you work and have insurance on her, drop her as soon as you can. Do not give her gifts, money, anything. If she has a car in your name, go to where she is at with the spare keys and take it back and hide it.

 

 

If you don't do these things, she will screw you on everything because she knows she owns you. She knows she can get a divorce, get everything she wants and ruin you at the same time. Everything you have now before she serves papers, lock it up, sell it for cash, give it to friends, whatever. You need to cut her off because anything you block from her taking, will be happily used by her and the new guy she is no doubt with.

[Matt77]

This ^^^^^^. Yes!! Use those spare keys and take that vehicle she is driving that you probably paid for. Sell everything you own to a friend. Even the car she is driving and the car you are driving. Make Bill's of sale for the vehicles and everything else. And have the titles transferred into your friends name. Take that health insurance away. Make her realize what life is really like without you and everything you bring/brought to the table. These walk-away-wives want all the benefits that marraige brings intact but want to live some undisturbed double life. Show her she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too.

Edited December 14, 2018 by Matt77

[Iamyoungjuan]

She seems like she really happy without me I can't lie she has been looking good posting pics on social media every week its like she doesn't even care she is living her best life I dont have no hope of us getting back together she say I irritate her everytime I call her but she feel she can call me when she want

 

I don't understsnd why she still wanna stay married but said there is no chance of us getting back together

[Matt77]

My STBXW did this to me as well. Called knowing full well my puppy dog ass would answer hoping she was calling to come back. Meanwhile when I called, it would ring to voicemail or go straight to it cause she blocked me.

 

Why are you not going with 180 or NC rule?? Why are you not taking away the things that are making this easy for her. That health insurance is the main thing. Do nothing to enable this my man, whether it is your current behavior or you inaction to do the necessary things. Show her she can't have her cake and eat it too.

 

Dude, trust me. I just went through this from February to July this year. My dad had told me a lot of the same things we are telling you right now. I didn't listen and it cost me my dignity, my pride, my confidence, you name it. There are no moves you can put on her to change her mind. There is no sweet talk or persuading you can do.

 

The affair just has to run it's course but make it not fun for her in a non ******* way. Just do business like moves and stick to contact that only involves the kids and speration/divorce proceedings.

 

IM and I will give you my phone number to tell you all about my experience. It will save you a lot and you will thank me later.

[ChatroomHero]

say I irritate her everytime I call her but she feel she can call me when she want

 

I don't understsnd why she still wanna stay married but said there is no chance of us getting back together

 

 

Pretty sure you do understand why. She is using you.

 

 

She knows you'll jump at the crack of the whip and if she uses you she does not feel remorse, so she has no issue ignoring you one day and calling you when she wants something.

[Iamyoungjuan]

I cut off contact but it’s killing me I’m so in love with this woman idk what to do I’m lonely without her ai feel like my life is over I’m stressed while she out having the time of her life last conversation we had she said we will not be getting back together but she want to stay married she also said she wanted a month of space but her and the kids was coming over my house for Christmas is a week and a half away why she also kept telling me that there is no one else which I don’t believe

 

I’m just tired of hurting and can’t sleep or eat when will this past and Will I ever learn to live without her

[Matt77]

Dude, IM me. The more you vent by actually talking, the better you feel. It will not get better the way you are carrying on. Trust me. I know I've said this before, but I was just where you are.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yeah I just don’t have too many people to talk too

[Matt77]

Here. Read my story. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/671057-took-her-back-but-now-i-m-not-so-sure-new

 

I'm still in the middle of this situation, trying to play damage control of the mind because I didn't stick up for myself when I had so many chances. I didn't see the signs or have the presence of mind to notice what I should have noticed or do what should have been done.

 

Read it and ask yourself if you wanna find yourself all the way in my situation. I have more details of it that would further convince you that you will be in an almost worse situation if don't do differently than I did.

[Matt77]

You wanna know why women can make out better in high emotional situations like this. Because their emotional investment in people is much more diversified. Say a man walks away from a woman. Will she be destroyed? Well sure. Only a true psychopath or sociopath wouldn't be hurt by this.

 

Anyway, most of the time women have a far larger and deeper social circle than us. So when something like this happens to them they have emotional dependence that is spread out. They are helped through a situation like this by leaning on that larger and deeper social circle. So they usually make it through these things without suffering deeper and longer than us.

 

We tend to suffer more and for longer because we, a lot of the time suffer in silence. We may have a decent social circle, but tend to take these things on by ourselves. Who can make it through things like this by doing that. Not many.

 

So start talking to family, friends, and acquaintances about anything you want to talk about. Start investing your emotional dependence elsewhere as soon as possible. I have and it is making it easier to have to let her go. Right now she is destroyed by what she has done and wants so so desperately to save our marriage. But because of what she did and now I'm thinking about all the times I didn't stick up for myself. I'm thinking I want to walk away from this and figure out who I really am.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Matt77

[MilitaryMan]

She sounds a lot like my SOON TO BE ex wife. She did the exact same crap. I loved her too and she used that against me cause I wanted to keep our family together. It made me look weak and pathetic. We moved back in together a year ago after being seperated but that was before I found out for sure a few months ago that she actually had an affair. She still lied about it and shows no remorse. With that, there was and is no healing for our marriage. I wasted 2 years of my life with and unloving POS. She was selfish and is a sociopath narcissist. I move out next week and will file shortly after. I did everything in my power EXCEPT leave and accept that there is no hope. It’s hard and it’s going to hurt but it’s better than losing your self worth and respect.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Just like you MM I have been trying and trying and now she wants nothing to do with me I love her so much she is telling me she isn’t seeing anyone else but I know that is a lie so do I break all contact with her for awhile and for how long?