Played like a Fiddle

[makisupa]

Hi Community,

 

So I've been divorced now for about 2.5 years (was together for 7 years and only married 2) and I've been casually dating for the last year or so. I purposely didn't want to start dating anyone seriously considering I needed to focus on myself and heal, but recently that changed. I met a girl online (coffee meets bagel) and when I started talking to her online and got her number, she said she wanted to speak me with on the phone before going on a date so we could ensure we were on the same page with what we were looking for etc.

 

Well, I initially thought it was weird (I've been on a million dates and rarely do I ever speak on the phone with them first), but I also thought it was a nice gesture because we could just ensure we were on the same page. In short, she basically told me she was looking for a serious relationship, marriage, kids etc. It actually turned into a great conversation...we spoke for almost an hour.

 

When we met the next day for the first time, we went out for drinks. I noticed after a couple of drinks we were getting drunk, and I was like...ahh...just role with it. After a couple of hours, we ended up leaving and I thought we were going to go our separate ways, but she ended up saying we should go to another place. So we went for another drink and before I knew it we were both definitely drunk. She, unfortunately, drove her car, so I said she shouldn't drive home and that she could come to my place to sober up.

 

So after getting back to my place we end up getting physical...extremely passionate and we were both naked in bed before I knew it. We ended up having sex that night. I ended up calling her one day later to ask her out again and she accepted. When we went out again we ended back at my place in bed again, and early in the morning (around 2am) she ended up asking me if I was seeing anyone else. I was kind of surprised by this because it seemed like she was basically trying to tell me she's seeing other guys and it was just her way of arriving at the right answer. Well, she didn't like my reaction to it...I kind of got irritated because I was like "I thought you were looking for a serious relationship, so you should have told me you were seeing other guys when we first spoke on the phone". Anyway, from that point forward I started getting insecure and it seemed like just for the 5 times we hung out, she was bringing up more drama about "how this all seems fast now", and "I'm not sure what I want anymore".

 

So on the last date I basically told her that if she wants to focus on this relationship, then maybe her and I should just see each other and no one else. Well, that didn't end well...a few days later she basically gave me breadcrumbs and led me on thinking that she is seriously considering a relationship with me, but in reality I think she just played me the entire time. I was kind of upset because this was the first time I've opened up with someone since my divorce, but I know it was all too fast, and I think when you sleep with someone on the first date, then that should be a clear sign of someone not wanting to have a serious relationship.

 

Anyway, I'm taking it kind of hard...almost feel like I'm reliving my divorce again, which was extremely painful for me.

Edited December 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS.

 

The healing is very very important old chap. What she did was a classic response to a man who wasn't totally in control of his emotions - give you uncertainty and the unknown when she senses that something was wrong. Had you gone along with her, and showed that you were in control of your emotions the next day, she would never had been wishy washy with you. It's the womans way of saying I didn't know you were so insecure - I'm going to let you down easy. Except not that direct. Women generally don't confront you like men do.

 

Heal as best you can mate. Then you can seek out a relationship again.

[Ronni_W]

Nobody did anything to anybody, and you most certainly were not "played like a fiddle".

 

You had basically first-date sex. Everybody knows that that does not mean anything.

First-date drunken sex? Means even less. Everybody does know this.

 

If not? Then it still does not mean that the other person played this person "like a fiddle". How long (or short) you've been divorced does not mitigate.

Those are your own issues and not the other person's.

[Simple Logic]

Re-read your post several times. Is your ideal future wife a woman that gets drunk and jumps in bed with you on the first date?

[Marc878]

Sorry man but you played yourself.

 

Then did the needy clingy to boot.

 

That's real unnattractive and really pushes them away.

 

Doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship.

 

You jumped in with both feet without even looking at the lay of the land.

 

Better fix your picker

[HumanMachine]

Never chase a female.

[FMW]

You need to ease back into dating and keep your expectations in check.

 

As others noted, you were not played. Use this experience to understand you are emotionally still a little vulnerable and either move more slowly with the next person you meet or at least understand it may not have any meaning past the moment.

[makisupa]

Welcome to LS.

 

The healing is very very important old chap. What she did was a classic response to a man who wasn't totally in control of his emotions - give you uncertainty and the unknown when she senses that something was wrong. Had you gone along with her, and showed that you were in control of your emotions the next day, she would never had been wishy washy with you. It's the womans way of saying I didn't know you were so insecure - I'm going to let you down easy. Except not that direct. Women generally don't confront you like men do.

 

Heal as best you can mate. Then you can seek out a relationship again.

 

I definitely can't argue this at all. She gave me a classic **** test and it's funny...she just caught me off guard with it. Typically, I say I'm dating around and play it cool, but for some reason I just had these stupid expectations that we were the only two people connecting at that moment. However, I get that's not realistic. I think just apart of me assumed if she was seeing other people that she would have mentioned that to me during the first phone conversation we had considering we wanted to "get everything out on the table". Regardless, I did learn that I'm definitely not ready for a relationship at all considering my past with my divorce; I'm definitely progressing in the right direction, but I have to understand that the game doesn't end until you are 100 exclusive; it was stupid to me to let my guard down so quickly and be "honest", which definitely pushed her away.

[HumanMachine]

Good for your for recognising your errors, it’ll only make you a better person in the future.

[makisupa]

Re-read your post several times. Is your ideal future wife a woman that gets drunk and jumps in bed with you on the first date?

 

Exactly my thoughts. Typically, my first dates are not filled with getting completely wasted and then having extremely serious sex with someone. I'm not saying that it's not possible to develop a mature relationship, but I would just assume that it's rare. I just started getting a gut feeling this was more about an ego boost to her than anything. Why? Even after my bad reaction to her asking if i was dating anyone she continued initiating contact, hanging out with me, and also having sex with me. If, however, after that issue we had she left and didn't continue, then that would make more sense. This is why I just felt like I received mixed signals and was starting to be led on.

[makisupa]

You need to ease back into dating and keep your expectations in check.

 

As others noted, you were not played. Use this experience to understand you are emotionally still a little vulnerable and either move more slowly with the next person you meet or at least understand it may not have any meaning past the moment.

 

I understand, but I do still like I was led on after we had that incident. I do agree that my wounds from the divorce are still not 100% recovered, and I have work to do. I do think though she has her own issues as well (not to downplay my reaction or work I need to do), but she's been jumping in/out of relationships all her life...and it seems like she has commitment anxiety (she was engaged once and then broke it off). I think at the end of the day we were just not compatible from what we want. I mean it was kind of funny when she told me she was dating other guys she was like "well, if we start getting physical with the other person let's just tell eachother". That's why I had a bad reaction because it just seemed she wanted to be physical with someone else and was setting me up for it.

[preraph]

You only went out twice with this woman. And on the second date, the subject of exclusivity came up through her seemingly in order for her to let you know she is dating other people, so I assume she might have thought you were getting too serious already on the second date. Nothing wrong, I guess, with finding out even ahead of time if the person is dating other people; however, you met her on OLD, so of course, you are both looking at other people and maybe going out with them. Not sure the best way to navigate that, but I will say the second date is certainly too soon for it to come up. And unless you were somehow on that subject, I guess that's her bad and this is the result.

 

Slow down. In her case, she should have not gotten so drunk on the first date that it left little choice but to spend the night. I suppose you might have poured her into an Uber instead to her home, though. Anyway, what's done is done. There were just some missteps here.

 

By the way, I think it's nuts you find it odd to talk on the phone before going out. You can't know a thing about a person from messaging, really. If it were me, I'd at least Facetime or talk on the phone first.

[makisupa]

You only went out twice with this woman. And on the second date, the subject of exclusivity came up through her seemingly in order for her to let you know she is dating other people, so I assume she might have thought you were getting too serious already on the second date. Nothing wrong, I guess, with finding out even ahead of time if the person is dating other people; however, you met her on OLD, so of course, you are both looking at other people and maybe going out with them. Not sure the best way to navigate that, but I will say the second date is certainly too soon for it to come up. And unless you were somehow on that subject, I guess that's her bad and this is the result.

 

Slow down. In her case, she should have not gotten so drunk on the first date that it left little choice but to spend the night. I suppose you might have poured her into an Uber instead to her home, though. Anyway, what's done is done. There were just some missteps here.

 

By the way, I think it's nuts you find it odd to talk on the phone before going out. You can't know a thing about a person from messaging, really. If it were me, I'd at least Facetime or talk on the phone first.

 

Thanks for the words. Just to clarify, we went out 6 times. You are right...she brought up if I'm seeing someone on the second date (3am in the morning may I add after a night of drinking). That's exactly it! If she asked me if I was seeing other women and that's it, then my reaction would have been different, but it just seemed like it was her way of telling me she's with other guys and she will be getting physical with them. It just seems like this girl didn't know what she wanted from the beginning hence the need for multiple partners...I just had a feeling over time she was doing her best for me to open up to her and then when I did she ran for the hills (big mistake on my part). I agree...I wish she didn't bring any of it up...since she did it just ruined things to be honest. Again, I could have been cooler about it, but to me it's always implied you are dating other people.

 

I'm not sure how she thought I was getting serious on the second date; we were keeping our distance during the week and playing it cool; it's not like I was constantly contacting her or asking her to marry me....I didn't bring up any of that and just wanted to have fun the entire time.

 

I thought it was a little weird to talk on the phone before going out...I've been on several dates and that never happens. However, I did think it was a good experience and made me feel better about meeting her prior.

[preraph]

You know, people get drunk and spew. That's what happens. I was a lush when young and I read my journals I kept then and nearly every sad breakup or backoff I had was because I got too loose and too open. Yes, open. That scares people off because it's too soon.

[makisupa]

You know, people get drunk and spew. That's what happens. I was a lush when young and I read my journals I kept then and nearly every sad breakup or backoff I had was because I got too loose and too open. Yes, open. That scares people off because it's too soon.

 

Yeah...agreed. I guess for some reason I trusted her way too fast/soon. For whatever reason the first phone conversation just completely disarmed me, which was stupid of me to do.