Wife wants to get back with me after filing for divorce

[pianodad]

Hi all,

 

I'm after a bit of advice.

 

Around 4 months ago, my wife told me she would like to separate. This was just 12 days after my mother passed away so was a very hard time emotionally. I pleaded with her to change her mind but she was just not interested so I reluctantly tried to move on. In the months prior to this she was going out drinking several nights a week. She also lost a large amount of weight - she looked absolutely great but this also completely changed her personality. At the time, she said she loved me but was not in love with me.

 

Due to all of this, I filed for divorce and we began to make plans for the future. This was a worrying time as she is 100% financially dependent on me but refused to go back to work after we separated. We have a house and 2 young children (4 and 7) together so it would have been very difficult for her to maintain the same standard of living that she has now.

 

During this time, she had a few dates with a guy but this didn't work out.

 

A couple of weeks ago she met with a solicitor. 2 days after this, she told me she would like to get back together. So, she appears to have gone from wanting to be with someone else to wanting me back in a short space of time. When I asked her if she wants to stay together forever, she said you never know what's around the corner. She now says she believes she had a midlife crisis.

 

She is very attractive and she is a great mother to our kids. However, I don't feel the same emotional connection as I once did because her personality completely changed when she lost loads of weight.

 

How can I be sure she is doing this because she loves me and not because she thinks being divorced is going to be difficult for her financially (or the fact her new relationship didn't work out).

 

I want my kids to grow up in a functional family and I worry that they would suffer if we were to separate.

 

Any advice greatly received. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

Thanks

[Mr. Lucky]

Pianodad, unless you’re a cheater, addict or abuser, very few financially dependent women with young children jump from marriage without a clear idea where they’ll land. So this “few dates” you describe was likely much more and only its unsuccessful demise has brought her back home. There’s a big difference between wanting you and needing you.

 

What does she propose you’ll do to address the issues in your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[FMW]

There is no way to be sure of her motivations and it would be unwise to take things at face value.

 

It does indeed sound like her plans to be with a specific someone else fell through.

[pianodad]

Thanks for the advice.

 

She hasn't suggested that we change anything to make the marriage work again but simply to carry on as we were before. My point is that things need to change if this is going to work second time around.

 

She was originally planning on spending new years eve away with the new guy. So, hence I'm a little bit suspicious of her motives for getting back together.

 

But, I'm also quite torn as I want the best for my children. I would like to make this work for their sakes but it needs to work out for the longer term.

[Art_Critic]

easy peasy.. she met with a solicitor and she was told she would have to get a job and that you won't be picking up her tab anymore after the alimony runs out and child support isn't enough for her to live on so she is back trying to put things back together after she left for some other guy that didn't work out..

If it were me in this position I would be open only if she was gainfully employed and she was groveling while being open and honest about the other guy.

 

 

Good Luck.

[Marc878]

Thanks for the advice.

 

She hasn't suggested that we change anything to make the marriage work again but simply to carry on as we were before. My point is that things need to change if this is going to work second time around.

 

She was originally planning on spending new years eve away with the new guy. So, hence I'm a little bit suspicious of her motives for getting back together.

 

A little bit suspicious? Cmon man you know the score.

 

But, I'm also quite torn as I want the best for my children. I would like to make this work for their sakes but it needs to work out for the longer term.

 

She's want to to rugsweep her affair until she can find someone else.

 

You are stringing yourself along she can't do it.

[doyathinkso]

How does it feel being her backup plan?

 

Looks like her boyfriend was just after an easy piece but when she declared "Now we can be together" she wasn't so easy anymore. You know, responsibilities and commitment and such. Not just an easy piece of a*s now.

 

So she got dumped, and now "realizes" that it's just you and only you that she wants.

 

Until the next guy comes along.

 

Ignore her. Move on. Leave her twisting slowly in the wind like she deserves.

[smi11ie]

It sounds like she is just staying with you so she doesn't have to work. She was obviously cheating before you separated, You need to get the whole truth before you can make a decision about divorce / reconciliation. Can you get a VAR in her car?

[Simple Logic]

I am going to be the minority here that says you should let her come home and give it another go.

 

I would leave the divorce proceeding in place, enter counciling, and re-evaluate as you go.

[elaine567]

I am going to be the minority here that says you should let her come home and give it another go.

 

I would leave the divorce proceeding in place, enter counciling, and re-evaluate as you go.

 

 

I agree, you have kids together and divorce can be very hard on kids.

Pragmatically it makes sense to reconcile.

 

She now knows that it is going to be very hard for her to exist on her own and finding a nice secure man to take her and the kids on is going to be difficult.

She has probably realised the grass isn't greener and that may provide a solid foundation for your marriage going forward. You are now both very aware of what you could lose.

[FMW]

The fact that she left you during such an emotionally difficult time in your life, dealing with the loss of your mother, is something I would probably find unforgivable, much less the garbage with the other man.

 

My xH could hardly look away from whatever social media thing he was doing on his computer when I told him my father had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. His lack of empathy was one of the final straws in letting me know my marriage was over.

[stillafool]

Yeah, the other man was telling her he loved her, wanted her and anything else to get in her pants until she left you and then she found out the truth. No man wants another man's wife and 2 kids so now she wants to go back to you for financial reasons. Take her back if you don't care if she loves you or not but just want to stay together for your kids. Personally, I'd let her kick rocks.

[DKT3]

Couple things suggest she actually was messing around with this guy before and may have actually caused the separation. 1) Women who lose a great deal of weight tend to cheat at a very high rate...Google it. 2) her not wanting to change anything, that means she knows you did nothing wrong.

 

Now with that said, this is very common. Women leave marriages twice as often as men for the AP. Most of them attempt to return in a couple months. Likely because what she fantasized the new relationship would be didn't match what it actually was.

 

My suggestion, dont have her back. Make her show you over a period of time this is really what she wants before you make an effort. Its likely she will yoyo back and forth between you and this other guy if you let her back. Secondly, you're starting to disconnect, really the hardest part is behind you, so protect yourself and make sure she is being honest before you open up to her again.

[Endnote]

I'm not one that's very accepting of emotional ambiguity, and she's sayin things like "you never know what's around the corner" sounds pretty unconvincing to me, then again, words are just words. From what you've told us it definitely seems like she's doing this more out of necessity than desire. Has she given an apology for what she did? Is she even willing to admit that what she did was wrong? When my ex-wife came back to me (it was only after a week of NC, but about two months into the separation) to reconcile after cheating on me, it didn't take me long to realize not only was she not going to do things on my terms, she was saying all of this BS to get things she needed from me, money, her possessions, etc. Be wary of her words and closely monitor her actions. If I were in your shoes I'd consider walking away. I'd recommend you get some counseling, even if it's just you going, as a marriage family therapist could probably give you the perspective you need, more-so than we can.

[vla1120]

I am always for reconciliation and making a marriage work. However, don't let her get her way about "going back to the way it was before." No. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. Clearly, her solicitor told her something she did not want to hear. Insist on marriage counseling. Insist that she be honest and forthcoming with you. While none of us really know what's around the corner, as committed partners in a marriage, we expect that honesty and faithfulness are a given now and in the future. Move forward with your eyes wide open. In fact, keep the divorce on the table until you know her intentions for certain. Best of luck.

[amaysngrace]

How do you know that her lawyer didn’t tell her to have you drop the divorce action so that she could file for one herself to make her the plaintiff? How do you know her lawyer didn’t advise her to go back home so that she’d have the ability to make you leave and she would get to stay in the house?

 

How can you trust what she tells you anymore?

[Simple Logic]

How do you know that her lawyer didn’t tell her to have you drop the divorce action so that she could file for one herself to make her the plaintiff? How do you know her lawyer didn’t advise her to go back home so that she’d have the ability to make you leave and she would get to stay in the house?

 

How can you trust what she tells you anymore?

 

I love all the doom and gloom oracles on this site.

[amaysngrace]

I love all the doom and gloom oracles on this site.

 

I wish I was but simple logic says she’s out for herself.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Since you mention solicitor, I presume you're in another country, not in the US, so the divorce part may be radically different than here. Hard to advise on that other than see a solicitor as appropriate, or your citizen help bureau if there is one.

 

On the other, countless people, everywhere, co-parent when relationships end. Considering the vast majority of people reproduce in their lives, I'd imagine at any time it's in the billions. Nothing remarkable about that. Your kids will be fine. Your spouse apparently wasn't worried about that when having her mid-life crisis or whatever she's labeling it. The kids are still around and healthy, right?

 

Given your wife's statements and timing, right after a major loss of a loved one in your life, I'd boot her ass out the door so long and hard she couldn't run back if it took the rest of her life. The cruelty of that boggles the mind.

 

Sometimes people have to go. IMO, this is one of those times. I get the remaining civil to be a co-parent thing but enabling women, or anyone, in that kind of behavior is something I'd never, ever, do. See ya.

[Simple Logic]

I wish I was but simple logic says she’s out for herself.

 

Maybe, but you certainly have no idea what she discussed with an attorney or what advice was given.

[PegNosePete]

She's want to to rugsweep her affair

Yes, exactly.

 

AFFAIR.

 

This is exactly what she was having before she asked for a divorce. It's extremely common when weight loss occurs especially if they've been overweight long term / since youth. Same applies to those who have plastic surgery. Never had much male attention... now suddenly getting loads of compliments and attention, don't know how to handle it, or want to see what they've been missing out on all these years. Feel like they "settled" for you due to lack of choice, now suddenly everyone wants to get with her and she has loads of choice and wants to try other options. "Mid life crisis" is often used as an excuse for terrible behaviour. Mid life crisis is not a disease you catch or a condition that you develop! It's just a phrase used for someone who makes selfish choices and throws away their stable life for pastures new.

 

You mention pretty much all of the classic signs of an affair: weight loss, changed personality, new look, spending a lot of time out, etc. The old classic "I love you but not in love with you". This line is page 1 of the cheaters handbook! Almost every time it is uttered, there is an affair. And then the humdinger, she asks for a divorce. No unemployed mother of 2 young kids would do this unless they had a soft landing all planned out. Not just a couple of dates but a long term plan to replace you with someone else.

 

So whether you want to work things out is up to you. If you do then you first need to get the truth out of her. That can be extremely difficult since those who have affairs will lie, lie lie lie and even carry on lying when faced with irrefutable evidence. What I would do is to tell her that you know 100% that she had an affair before asking for the divorce, and that you won't even consider reconciliation unless she starts telling you the truth. And if she denies it, just say "shame" and walk away. If you want to ever get the truth then you have to be prepared to walk away forever. It's up to HER to save the marriage, and step 1 is to start being honest with you.

 

And step 2 is for her to start explaining why she was so callous and selfish to bring all this up right after your mother passed away. That's really one of the worst betrayals she could possibly have committed, so good luck with that one.

 

Personally I'd never take her back after what she's done and the way she did it.

[PegNosePete]

Maybe, but you certainly have no idea what she discussed with an attorney or what advice was given.

Whatever it was, it sure re-ignited her love for her husband! After 4 months of separation, a new man, plans for New Year etc. She sees a solicitor and 2 days later she realises she made a huge mistake and is madly in love with her husband again and wants to try again. Amazing!

 

Or more likely, she didn't like the figures and wants to go back to Mr. Backup Plan. For now. When the figures do work out, she'll be gone again.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe, but you certainly have no idea what she discussed with an attorney or what advice was given.

 

True but I’m presuming her attorney gave good advice and pointed her in the direction that best benefits her.

[fromheart]

Never take back a dumper, and never, ever take back someone who dumps you during bereavement. She'll do the same thing again, next time life gets difficult.

 

She's probably needing you for financial support anyway. Go through the divorce and get it done. If she can't support the kids, you take them.

 

Hit the gym, date young, attractive women. Have fun, you deserve it.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with the others that her leaving you right after your mother passing away says a lot about her character - which isn’t very impressive.

 

It’s possible that you could take her back and keep her somewhat at a distance but that’s not likely to work out. You could attempt to forgive her and, even if you can’t, take her back for the sake of the kids and then if you still can’t stand her after the kids are grown, divorce her.

 

I’m curious, when she left you, did she take the kids with her?