I want some kind of closure with my ex-husband

[Deepremorse5]

I cheated, my ex-husband found out and divorced me. Now it's almost 6 months past our divorce. We had contact even after divorce. We also had some intimate moments too. Recently he has started dating someone and I have backed down from contacting him again. But still, I feel even after all this we never had a closure to our relationship. We never discussed anything. He was/is still unwilling to discuss anything from our past. I did try a few times and each time he diverted the topic to something else. To be honest, I am still struck. I want some kind of closure. How do I achieve that? I did write him letters before and I am not sure if he ever read them or not. And now he is in a relationship and I am trying to be respectful of that. I want him to be happy and if she makes him happy, let it be. His response to everything has been very diplomatic. Initially, he ghosted me and when he came around he was super nice. He is supposed to be not nice to me. I want him to say it all out. It never happened. I am still suppressing a lot of my emotions and I have absolutely no idea how he dealt with his. Even I am not sure if I am right or wrong to ask for a closure.

[Ronni_W]

Closure is actually an inner process that sometimes includes processing loss and grief, and coming to self-forgiveness.

 

If it's possible for you, working with a psychotherapist or personal counsellor could help you reach the closure you're looking for.

[preraph]

You're not right asking him for anything. You were the cheater. He is not a priest and doesn't feel like offering you absolution. He doesn't owe you closure. Who do you think is the most wounded person here? It's not you. He owes you nothing.

 

You need to find peace within yourself and learn from what you did and leave him alone and move on.

[Marc878]

Read up what a betrayed spouse goes through

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Closure comes from within.

 

Apparently infidelity was a deal breaker for him. There is no guaranteed second chance, etc.

 

He owes you nothing. You should move on like he has. There really is no need for further discussion.

[JS84]

He divorced you and is seeing someone else. There's your closure.

 

I'm sorry I've lost count how many times I've seen someone say they need "closure" like that's a real thing. It usually just amounts to people wanting to feel better about themselves, sometimes at someone else's expense.

 

Whatever it is you're looking for to alleviate whatever issues you're dealing with, it should not involve your ex-husband.

 

What exactly would closure look like to you??? And what would the purpose be besides making YOU feel better about your situation??

 

Because I doubt your ex-husband would get anything out of it. And if what you claim is true he doesn't want to talk about your cheating with you anyway. So you'd just be doing him even more harm when it seems like he's moving on, by trying to satisfy some emotional void/need/want of yours.

 

Oftentimes seeking "closure" and selfishness go hand in hand. Not always but in this case it seems to apply.

[Bryanp]

Did you take full responsibility for the affair or did you blame it somewhat on your husband? If you could go back in time would this never have happened?

 

I would suggest that you write a long letter to him or make a video tape and say and show your true remorse. Is it possible that you husband has no idea that you have true remorse and guilt for what you have done? It is worth a try.

[BTDT2012]

He was/is still unwilling to discuss anything from our past. I did try a few times and each time he diverted the topic to something else. To be honest, I am still struck. I want some kind of closure.

 

 

This is something for you to work out with your therapist. Your ex has no obligation to help you process. Leave him only. He knows how to reach you.

[elaine567]

Leave him alone.

You hurt this man in one of the worst ways possible, tore out his soul and now when he is getting his life back together again you want to open up the wounds you inflicted on him, to make YOU feel better

 

It is beyond cruel.

[stillafool]

Did you take full responsibility for the affair or did you blame it somewhat on your husband? If you could go back in time would this never have happened?

 

I would suggest that you write a long letter to him or make a video tape and say and show your true remorse. Is it possible that you husband has no idea that you have true remorse and guilt for what you have done? It is worth a try.

 

She's already written him letters.

 

You are the only one to give yourself closure. You ex can't give that to you. Your closure is you made a poor decision to cheat which resulted in a divorce. I hope this means you won't do this to the next man you get involved with. That is about all you can take away from what you did. Leave your husband alone and let him be with a woman who truly wants him.

[DKT3]

The closure you seek will come when you accept that your life with him is over. Getting another opportunity to "get it out" wont bring him back into a relationship with you.

 

Accept that your actions caused this, learn from it and move on with your life.

[Colin Grant]

Have to tread lightly and thoughtfully here. It's possible, if not probable that the betrayal and circumstances around it is too painful for him to discuss. There's an emasculation and humiliation that men have to reconcile for themselves that many women can't relate to or fully understand its significance.

[Simple Logic]

I think he knows you want closure, he just determined not to allow you the satisfaction of closure.

[Maraud3r]

"You want..." That's the problem right there. You can ASK for it, you can HOPE he'd be willing to give it to you. However what you WANT is of no essence. He didn't want to be cheated on and was even assured he wouldn't be, yet it happened anyway.

 

He has no obligation to give you what you want, nor help you find closure. Absolutely none. That you seem to think otherwise bodes ill for any future relationships you will have.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even I am not sure if I am right or wrong to ask for a closure.

 

I don't think you understand what closure is.

 

If you did, you wouldn't ask it of someone you cheated on....

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

I cheated, my ex-husband found out and divorced me. Now it's almost 6 months past our divorce. We had contact even after divorce. We also had some intimate moments too. Recently he has started dating someone and I have backed down from contacting him again. But still, I feel even after all this we never had a closure to our relationship. We never discussed anything. He was/is still unwilling to discuss anything from our past. I did try a few times and each time he diverted the topic to something else. To be honest, I am still struck. I want some kind of closure. How do I achieve that? I did write him letters before and I am not sure if he ever read them or not. And now he is in a relationship and I am trying to be respectful of that. I want him to be happy and if she makes him happy, let it be. His response to everything has been very diplomatic. Initially, he ghosted me and when he came around he was super nice. He is supposed to be not nice to me. I want him to say it all out. It never happened. I am still suppressing a lot of my emotions and I have absolutely no idea how he dealt with his. Even I am not sure if I am right or wrong to ask for a closure.

 

 

I'm not trying to be snide, but you may have to let this go. You have no right to expect "closure"from him. It's not all about you and how you feel.

 

You caused the damage, accept your responsibility and move on. If you need more, a counselor will be able to help you work your way through all of this.

[Orokotikki]

Closure is something you give yourself, leave the poor bastard alone.

[Bittersweetie]

As a fWW I have to agree with PP that "closure" comes within yourself, not from someone else. Are you looking for something that your xH will say, that will miraculously make all the pain and shame and uncomfortableness go away? Because that will not happen.

 

I did not have "closure" with my H and we reconciled. I helped him heal from the pain I caused. I helped myself heal with therapy and introspection. I did not expect my H to make me feel better over choices I made that devastated him.

 

The reason I keep putting closure in quotes is because I'm not sure if a wayward spouse can ever have true closure from their choices. I see closure as letting something go, closing the door. But the hurtful actions of a wayward spouse will always be there. My choices are a part of me because of the impact they had both on my H and myself. I have accepted my choices, learned to live with them, and I use what I've learned from those poor choices and the aftermath to guide me through my choices now.

 

It is probably painful seeing your xH move on but the best thing you can do now is focus on your healing and yourself. Good luck.

Edited December 10, 2018 by Bittersweetie

[Deepremorse5]

Thank you all for the inputs. I understand from where you all are coming from. In most marriages, someone makes bad choices which can be non-trivial to super extreme. What I did is something very extreme and killed our marriage. I will repeat something which I have mentioned before. If not all, most of you who have been on either side of infidelity have spoken something or the other about the affair with your partner. You all had that cathartic release when you spoke with your partner (good or bad). For me, I cheated and next thing is I am divorced. There is nothing in between. That is a huge vacuum. I never got an opportunity to speak anything beyond a simple sorry which I feel would never be enough. I was not even given a proper chance to apologize. I wrote him letters but I am sure he didn't read them. Rather he just deleted them. It's not that I am trying to unburden myself by imposing anything on him rather a strong conviction that what I have done till now is just not enough.

 

Recently I have stopped all kinds of communication with him. Even when I needed his inputs badly for something that he had initiated in our company. I still avoided making that call to him. That's best I can do for him at this stage. Leaving him alone and I am doing it. I must confess I am jealous of his current gf but I am rather happy that he has found someone worthy and moved on.

 

Hope I am making sense on why I need a closure. I know I will be dealing with a lot of things for the next few years. I am willing to face them. But I feel I still haven't done enough for him.

[DKT3]

Thank you all for the inputs. I understand from where you all are coming from. In most marriages, someone makes bad choices which can be non-trivial to super extreme. What I did is something very extreme and killed our marriage. I will repeat something which I have mentioned before. If not all, most of you who have been on either side of infidelity have spoken something or the other about the affair with your partner. You all had that cathartic release when you spoke with your partner (good or bad). For me, I cheated and next thing is I am divorced. There is nothing in between. That is a huge vacuum. I never got an opportunity to speak anything beyond a simple sorry which I feel would never be enough. I was not even given a proper chance to apologize. I wrote him letters but I am sure he didn't read them. Rather he just deleted them. It's not that I am trying to unburden myself by imposing anything on him rather a strong conviction that what I have done till now is just not enough. {snip}

 

I have been supportive of you since you started posting, but something you said here kinda makes me angry. Its false that you never had a chance to discuss things with your husband. During the three or four months you were sleeping with your ex you could have talked until you lost your voice. you didn't want too, you didn't value your husband or marriage. These are the consequences, time to deal with them.

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Deepremorse5]

I have been supportive of you since you started posting, but something you said here kinda makes me angry. Its false that you never had a chance to discuss things with your husband. During the three or four months you were sleeping with your ex you could have talked until you lost your voice. you didn't want too, you didn't value your husband or marriage. These are the consequences, time to deal with them.

 

Not true. I always wanted to speak. Just to give you an example. Once I started to speak about things I had told him during the affair, he just said he remembered some work and left. Happened again and I was scared of losing him at those very moments, so I just stayed silent. Whenever I tried to say something, he will change the topic and say something completely irrelevant to what I had said. Even when I tried to apologize, he used to say once is enough and no need to repeat. The very next moment, he would again become super nice to me.

[DKT3]

Not true. I always wanted to speak. Just to give you an example. Once I started to speak about things I had told him during the affair, he just said he remembered some work and left. Happened again and I was scared of losing him at those very moments, so I just stayed silent. Whenever I tried to say something, he will change the topic and say something completely irrelevant to what I had said. Even when I tried to apologize, he used to say once is enough and no need to repeat. The very next moment, he would again become super nice to me.

 

I'm talking before you were caught

[Deepremorse5]

I'm talking before you were caught

 

Yes. I was coward and stupid then. I knew he would find out. I have thought about this a lot. If I would have gathered enough courage to tell him the truth, things might have been different.

[pepperbird]

You're still looking at this from a very selfish position.

 

 

You don't want "closure" for him, you want it for yourself. Leave him alone and if he wants to seek you out to talk, he will.

[Ronni_W]

But I feel I still haven't done enough for him.

Your guilt and remorse are understandable. BUT, do you really want to force him to listen to you talk about whatever details or generalities about your affair?

Or, would that not actually be you just downloading your own burden onto him, to appease your own guilt?

 

<snip> If not all, most of you who have been on either side of infidelity have spoken something or the other about the affair with your partner.

You all had that cathartic release when you spoke with your partner <snip>

This is also only about you -- your cathartic release -- and not anything that you want to do for him.

 

In any case, from your account, he is doing well and is moving on with his life. He has recovered, and does not need anything more from you.

 

For your own recovery, find a therapist to help you work through your guilt. You do also deserve to be able to move on...but stop thinking that he needs to help you do that.

 

Best of luck.

[Bittersweetie]

Here's the thing Deep...once d-day happened, your husband had more information to make his own choices regarding himself and his marriage. He made a choice to divorce fairly quickly. He made a choice not to listen to you or read your letters. You made the choice to have an affair. How can you criticize the choices he makes in the aftermath? Your choices caused consequences for both of you. He is dealing with the consequences in his way, and now you have to deal with them in yours. I'm sorry you cannot have the "ending" you want, you will have to work through it a different way.