I want some kind of closure with my ex-husband

[pepperbird]

this whole situation smacks of the way a child woudl act. A child has a doll, plays with it but then drops it once a new and shiny one comes into the picture. Suddenly, she sees her sister playing with her old toy and wants it back.

 

Once someone cheats, they have the right to not be physically, verbally or financially abused. Other than that, all bets are off.

[preraph]

Hi Whoknew, guess you haven't read through Deepremorse's entire previous thread. Deepremorse knew her ex husband's boundaries and his nature rather well.He actually treated her very well and considering their overall relationship, she knew she had a very good thing going for her. However, as humans are wont, she let herself slip into an affair with her ex boyfriend with whom she worked, almost innocuously, never for a moment expecting her affair to be revealed. However, her ex husband is a man with exceptionally tight emotional control and when he suspected her, as far as I can remember, he put a PI on her trail to get irrefutable evidence. After that all hell broke loose.<SNIP>

 

I agree. It takes a lot of self-control after that kind of betrayal, everything you have in you. When my roommate/old friend slept with the guy i was in love with, I had to just stay away from the apartment because all I could think about was pushing her down the stairs. I wasn't happy with him either and ended up working with him for 10 years after that but always felt if I let my guard down with him, things wouldn't have been pretty either. When you're to the point where you know you might do something that is against your own ethics, you shut that person off and it's for the best.

Edited December 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

I kind is undertand where you’re coming from. People always go back to “once someone cheated, they’ve given up any right to be treated as a human” which I disagree. You’re accepting that the divorce was your consequence, which is great! You should be learning from this mistake.

 

Look if he doesn’t want the whole story, that’s his own personal choice but another choice that shows that you weren’t made to be together. Honestly it’s his weakness bc he now will not own to any part of the break down of your relationship & whether or not someone cheats, usually there is a breakdown somewhat that both the BS & WS should learn from regardless reconciliation or divorce happens. I’ve personally seen people cheat to where I (& others that have never cheated) understand it...including marriages to where a spouse is never around. People think they can handle it but many times can’t & make poor choices. Learn that maybe you’re one of those people that can’t handle a spouse not physically around.

 

You can only worry about yourself & wish him well at this point.

 

The second paragraph is just wrong....so because he no longer wants to be married doesn't make him weak, nor does it prove they could not have had a happy marriage without the cheating. Let's stop blaming the victim.

 

She made a choice then he made one as a result. Doesn't make him weak.

 

No matter how you spin it about who doesn't understand what, the truth is her husband made an effort, he tried to reach her before he pulled the plug and she responded with anger and nastiness and blame. She should not have been blindsided by the divorce, even if she was then, she should fully grasp it now, now that she knows he knew about her affair since almost the start (proof of this in the evidence he presented her) and still attempted to get her to open up and tell him how he could make her happy.

[Starswillshine]

I kind is undertand where you’re coming from. People always go back to “once someone cheated, they’ve given up any right to be treated as a human” which I disagree. You’re accepting that the divorce was your consequence, which is great! You should be learning from this mistake.

 

Look if he doesn’t want the whole story, that’s his own personal choice but another choice that shows that you weren’t made to be together. Honestly it’s his weakness bc he now will not own to any part of the break down of your relationship & whether or not someone cheats, usually there is a breakdown somewhat that both the BS & WS should learn from regardless reconciliation or divorce happens. I’ve personally seen people cheat to where I (& others that have never cheated) understand it...including marriages to where a spouse is never around. People think they can handle it but many times can’t & make poor choices. Learn that maybe you’re one of those people that can’t handle a spouse not physically around.

 

You can only worry about yourself & wish him well at this point.

 

No marriage is perfect. Ever. Everyone has flaws they bring to the table. But it is amazing to me that still so e people find ways to NOT cheat.

 

The justifications we, as a society, have come to accept... "oh the spouse must have been awful." If the spouse is awful, divorce them. Having an affair shows weakness. On many levels. The problem is with the cheater. Not the marriage... regardless of how imperfect the marriage.

[Deepremorse5]

I kind is undertand where you’re coming from. People always go back to “once someone cheated, they’ve given up any right to be treated as a human” which I disagree. You’re accepting that the divorce was your consequence, which is great! You should be learning from this mistake.

 

I agree with this. I have seen in this forum where people put the inherent bias into their post. I haven't even asked that I want closure from him. What I asked is I want closure with him that may include him or not. Just because I asked for closure, many posters jumped on me for asking closure. But it's fine with me. I will take the general sentiment that I have to seek the closure on my own.

[Deepremorse5]

I knew what I was getting into when I started a relationship with him. He was open about his engagements and work pressure. I can't fault him in that. He is an amazing person, I thought those sacrifices would be worth it. He always compensated once he was back. Since he was not around, I used to go out regularly with my office colleagues. I know I shouldn't have done that. With alcohol, things change. Since then I haven't touched alcohol and probably won't in the future.

 

The point I am trying to make here is that I am more than willing to take responsibility for everything in our relationship but I want him to support me on this. I have been respectful about his new relationship. I didn't even call him when I had to make that urgent call. He texted me 2 days back, giving time for queries wrt his inputs. I have assigned someone to take care of the communication with him. I know he will understand why I assigned someone else and also why I stuck around for almost one and half years around him.

[redbaron007]

I knew what I was getting into when I started a relationship with him. He was open about his engagements and work pressure. I can't fault him in that. He is an amazing person, I thought those sacrifices would be worth it. He always compensated once he was back. Since he was not around, I used to go out regularly with my office colleagues. I know I shouldn't have done that. With alcohol, things change. Since then I haven't touched alcohol and probably won't in the future.

 

The point I am trying to make here is that I am more than willing to take responsibility for everything in our relationship but I want him to support me on this. I have been respectful about his new relationship. I didn't even call him when I had to make that urgent call. He texted me 2 days back, giving time for queries wrt his inputs. I have assigned someone to take care of the communication with him. I know he will understand why I assigned someone else and also why I stuck around for almost one and half years around him.

 

He has supported you by making your divorce as painless as possible.

 

It was abundantly clear early on in your previous thread that infidelity was a deal-breaker for him. Period. You were probably led on by more than one member here that it was possible to "win him back" by the standard all inclusive seduction package of remorse, HB sex, love languages, treating him as god, applauding their "strength" for staying, treating OM as POS, revealing passwords, reporting all activities, etc. But here is where men differ:

- Some men do respond positively to that package - there are cases here where WWs have contracted STD's from affairs, or had a child from the affair, or had multiple affairs and the BHs in question have still reconciled.

- Other BHs are immune to the package and divorce their WWs. Some of them may "process" the affair with their exWWs, but I bet most BHs in this category just internally accept the matter and move on to other, hopefully better relationships. This is what I did. I had no interest in "processing" what my exWW did, in helping her "figuring out her why's", etc., or acting as her psychiatrist. That's on her. I suspect your ex BH is in the same category.

 

As others have suggested, "process" this yourself, either individually, or through counseling. You may think he owes you this nice little package called "closure" but the reality is your BH owes you absolutely nothing.

Edited December 22, 2018 by redbaron007

[Maraud3r]

Was our relationship not worth a few words that he is not willing to talk about it?

Your relationship and he wasn't worth not being lied to, not being cheated on, not being taken for granted and humiliated. Where was your relationship and it's worth when your Ex was rutting on you?

 

You decided your relationships worth when you had your affair and you decided it was worth absolutely nothing.

 

People always go back to “once someone cheated, they’ve given up any right to be treated as a human” which I disagree.

Hyperbole and misrepresentation. There's billions of people in the world. The vast majority are completely and utterly unimportant to almost everyone else. People wont engage with them, care about them or invest effort into them. Because they aren't related to them, don't know them or have no interest in them.

 

He isn't treating her any different from how he would treat a stranger. Which is his good right. Because that's what she is now. An unrelated stranger.

 

Honestly it’s his weakness bc he now will not own to any part of the break down of your relationship & whether or not someone cheats

 

Oh look. Typical cheater blameshifting. There is exactly ONE person involved in the decision to cheat. The cheater. The guilt starts and ends with them. Nobody else can "make" someone cheat.

 

If a relationship is bad enough to cheat, it's bad enough to end it. Most cheaters don't do that, because it's fundamentally not. Many relationships aren't bad or having any big issues, cheaters simply want adventure, self indulgence and some fun on the side.

[Deepremorse5]

He has supported you by making your divorce as painless as possible.

 

It was abundantly clear early on in your previous thread that infidelity was a deal-breaker for him. Period. You were probably led on by more than one member here that it was possible to "win him back" by the standard all inclusive seduction package of remorse, HB sex, love languages, treating him as god, applauding their "strength" for staying, treating OM as POS, revealing passwords, reporting all activities, etc. But here is where men differ:

- Some men do respond positively to that package - there are cases here where WWs have contracted STD's from affairs, or had a child from the affair, or had multiple affairs and the BHs in question have still reconciled.

- Other BHs are immune to the package and divorce their WWs. Some of them may "process" the affair with their exWWs, but I bet most BHs in this category just internally accept the matter and move on to other, hopefully better relationships. This is what I did. I had no interest in "processing" what my exWW did, in helping her "figuring out her why's", etc., or acting as her psychiatrist. That's on her. I suspect your ex BH is in the same category.

 

As others have suggested, "process" this yourself, either individually, or through counseling. You may think he owes you this nice little package called "closure" but the reality is your BH owes you absolutely nothing.

 

I never had any strategy to get him back. Just wanted to be "me", the person he loved and married.

 

I am still trying to come out of the situation. I won't say I am in the zone where I have accepted everything happening around me. But it's happening slowly & gradually and I am hoping to keep the momentum.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am hoping to keep the momentum.

 

The momentum in acceptance, or in trying to engage him to get closure?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Deepremorse5]

The momentum in acceptance, or in trying to engage him to get closure?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In acceptance. I realized I need to be honest to "self" first about everything happening around. Only then, I can find the next road.

 

FYI, I haven't contacted him since.

[stillafool]

I never had any strategy to get him back. Just wanted to be "me", the person he loved and married.

 

 

Well now you have plenty of time to be "me" and do what you want. Good that you aren't trying to get him back cause that chapter is closed.

[loversquarrel]

I knew what I was getting into when I started a relationship with him. He was open about his engagements and work pressure. I can't fault him in that. He is an amazing person, I thought those sacrifices would be worth it. He always compensated once he was back. Since he was not around, I used to go out regularly with my office colleagues. I know I shouldn't have done that. With alcohol, things change. Since then I haven't touched alcohol and probably won't in the future.

 

The point I am trying to make here is that I am more than willing to take responsibility for everything in our relationship but I want him to support me on this. I have been respectful about his new relationship. I didn't even call him when I had to make that urgent call. He texted me 2 days back, giving time for queries wrt his inputs. I have assigned someone to take care of the communication with him. I know he will understand why I assigned someone else and also why I stuck around for almost one and half years around him.

 

Alcohol doesn't change anything, it just amplifies what's already there.

[S2B]

Thank you all for the inputs. I understand from where you all are coming from. In most marriages, someone makes bad choices which can be non-trivial to super extreme. What I did is something very extreme and killed our marriage. I will repeat something which I have mentioned before. If not all, most of you who have been on either side of infidelity have spoken something or the other about the affair with your partner. You all had that cathartic release when you spoke with your partner (good or bad). For me, I cheated and next thing is I am divorced. There is nothing in between. That is a huge vacuum. I never got an opportunity to speak anything beyond a simple sorry which I feel would never be enough. I was not even given a proper chance to apologize. I wrote him letters but I am sure he didn't read them. Rather he just deleted them. It's not that I am trying to unburden myself by imposing anything on him rather a strong conviction that what I have done till now is just not enough.

 

Recently I have stopped all kinds of communication with him. Even when I needed his inputs badly for something that he had initiated in our company. I still avoided making that call to him. That's best I can do for him at this stage. Leaving him alone and I am doing it. I must confess I am jealous of his current gf but I am rather happy that he has found someone worthy and moved on.

 

Hope I am making sense on why I need a closure. I know I will be dealing with a lot of things for the next few years. I am willing to face them. But I feel I still haven't done enough for him.

 

Closure is a huge fallacy.

 

I ended my marriage at the 27 year mark without any conversation.

 

No closure was needed... he knew cheating was a dealbreaker! I knew he would just lie even more. He had already hurt me more than enough so I chose not to listen to a word. Maybe your exH feels the same.

 

 

And almost 14 yeas later the so called “closure” happened. It benefitted him to apologize to me - as I had forgiven him 14 years ago and he knew that. He also knew I just don’t care anymore - at all. It was always about him.

 

He owes you nothing. Leave him alone. You betrayed him and he slept with you again because he has a sex drive and he knew you would say yes - it was convenient you see?

 

I’m glad I never slept with my exH after I found out.

 

You expect something unreasonable. You want closure? See a therapist and pay for that elusive “closure”. While you’re there learn how to stop cheating.

[pepperbird]

op,

yes, you screwed up. That doesn't make you evil incarnate or beyond redemption. It makes you human.

 

Some people who make monumental mistakes really feel a need to atone for them to be able to move on. If you're like that, I would suggest that, as your atonement, you work on yourself to be the best relationship partner you can be moving on into the future.

[Just a Guy]

Hi DR, I thought I would not be posting on your thread again but after reading through some of your latest posts I thought I should post one last time.

 

It seems to me that you have some expectation that your ex husband has some obligation towards you to help you with closure. Sadly, he does not share that belief and I think, in your heart of hearts you know this. If you want closure then you will have to find it all by yourself. The fact is that I have always believed that Life is the greatest and most unbiased Teacher of all. It is also completely unemotional. You make a choice and if it is a right choice you will be rewarded. If you make a wrong choice you will pay for it. Depending on the magnitude of the rightness or wrongness of your choice will depend the magnitude of your reward or your payment. You made a dreadfully wrong choice and you are having to pay an immense price for it especially emotionally. Remember, as often said on this forum, Time is the greatest healer and you will eventually heal and learn your lesson and get your closure as time goes by. Remember, what seems overpoweringly important and almost crushing today, loses it's power over time and with the knowledge of hindsight becomes something which has become diminished in it's ability to affect us. You will realize this as time goes by and wisdom increases. Wish you all the very best.

[BigdaddyJJ]

You lost me at "i cheated"

[notbroken]

Just leave the poor man alone. Haven't you done enough to him? Be a ghost. Just get out of his life and leave him alone. Learn a lesson from this and don't cheat in the future.