I really think I've been dating a narcissist

[Redhead14]

John101 hit on a very telling trait for identifying narcissism -- Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a hallmark tool used very frequently by a person who is operating on the higher end of the scale for narcissism. It is a very powerful tool for mental and emotional manipulation. Most "victims" of narcissists will complain of feeling as though they are going crazy when they speak of dealing with a partner/friend/relative who is a narcissist. The narcissist uses it to confuse and confound their victim and obfuscate an issue so that the other person usually gives up trying to address an issue out of frustration and or begins to question themselves which conveniently allows the narcissist to "win" the issue or it just goes away which is what they hope for.

Edited May 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

All narcissists are not charming. One I know is certainly outgoing and attention seeking to a fault. But one I know is not at all social nor charming and is just mad half the time at the world not placing her first.

[Redhead14]

All narcissists are not charming. One I know is certainly outgoing and attention seeking to a fault. But one I know is not at all social nor charming and is just mad half the time at the world not placing her first.

 

There are often co-morbid issues that cloud the ability to diagnose a narcissist versus something else running along side of narcissistic traits. My point is, she just be someone who has fairly high-end scale narcissistic traits with another disorder that is, perhaps, more prevalent or overlapping the narcissism.

 

All narcissists who are "pure" disordered narcissists are charming. Frighteningly so . . . If they have co-morbid features of other disorders, they may have a very dark side.

 

It's very difficult, if at all, really to get to analyze a true disordered narcissist because they would never realize or understand that there is a problem that they need to seek help for or if they did, they would never, ever admit it.

[bluesunflower]

I was reading up on this lately, and one thing which struck me was that they may come across as arrogant but are very fragile inside. Because they have to be the best, have the best of everything, best car, best office.. think everyone is jealous of them, and they're jealous of everyone else. It's a strange thing, NPD - I think it would be very hard to diagnose as it's hard to tell if someone is just socially stunted or immature, if they actually have a disorder, or if they're just really mean. Apparently with NPD they don't mean to be rude or say the wrong thing. Diagnoses are tricky but it's the behaviour and the label that can help us analyse the situation I guess. I believe I know someone with NPD and it is VERY difficult. I would never ever choose to stay in a relationship with one as it is draining and detrimental to my health.

 

This is very interesting - it seems like a lot of you on this site know a lot about the disorder and how it can differ and it's been very enlightening. It is quite draining to be in a relationship with one. And despite getting many sides, I still believe he has it or at least many traits of it. It's difficult to summarize these traits and moments to people on the internet and I can see why some would be skeptical, especially since I was the dumpee so people think I am jaded and angry. The sad truth was I suspected narcissism before it all went super horribly so this was not an afterthought by any means. Thank you for all your information!

[bluesunflower]

To me this just sounds like a cocky, outgoing young man who is liked for his personality by many. It seems that every time a guy breaks up with a girl he is then labeled a narcissist. So what if he is, you're broken up and should be glad it's over if he was that horrible to you. Not worth anymore of your mind space.

 

He's only liked by the many that do not know him closely. Despite having friends, each and every single last one of them (I promise this is not an exaggeration) have expressed their frustration to me and more than half have branded him a narcissist without me prompting it. They keep him around because he's been there forever and he is definitely a fun person to have around, a "life of the party" type. But I promise you I'm not just labeling him that because I'm angry that I was dumped. I suspected narcissism, or traits of it, early on before all this mess. And I've been dumped in the past and never once turned to narcissism, in fact, I usually painted them in positive lights, even if I was upset and angry with them. I can see why you would say this, but the fact that everyone close to him has said this to me is a clear indication that I am not making things up.

 

Shortly before we broke up, we visited his family 6 hours away. While staying with them, his mom waited until he was out of the kitchen to turn to me and say quietly, "I would not blame you if you wanted to break up with him. I think you should." Without a chance to respond, he walked back into the room as I looked to my friend who was with us in shock. We both were speechless. There was NOTHING prompting this, and she said it to me so quickly without looking at me that I almost felt like I wasn't supposed to hear it.

 

He has huge ego issues. Whether it's a disorder or not, it affects many people in his life. I am not making it up.

[preraph]

There are often co-morbid issues that cloud the ability to diagnose a narcissist versus something else running along side of narcissistic traits. My point is, she just be someone who has fairly high-end scale narcissistic traits with another disorder that is, perhaps, more prevalent or overlapping the narcissism.

 

All narcissists who are "pure" disordered narcissists are charming. Frighteningly so . . . If they have co-morbid features of other disorders, they may have a very dark side.

 

It's very difficult, if at all, really to get to analyze a true disordered narcissist because they would never realize or understand that there is a problem that they need to seek help for or if they did, they would never, ever admit it.

 

The outgoing one I talked about has been officially diagnosed as narcissist and is also bipolar. The other one is someone I've known my whole life and can't ever admit she's wrong and rages easily. She's not charming. She never was charming. She is not attention seeking like the other one, hence why she has no need to lay on the charm. But it's all about her, always.

 

Also, I wouldn't describe the outgoing one who is officially diagnosed as charming, but I would characterize her as fun when she's "on" and she's on a lot. She manipulates people like crazy. Not being the center of attention in a room makes her very angry.

Edited May 26, 2019 by preraph

[bluesunflower]

 

There is so much more I could write on him, but I should probably stop for now. In all, our communication was extremely poor and our conversations were very non-productive. He lacked the ability to see from my point-of-view on any given issue, and we had the same arguments over and over again because he never truly listened to me and therefore failed to adjust his behavior. At night, I would actually wait until he fell sleep beside me and then take to writing my feelings out in my phone, because that was more productive than actually talking to him. It was sad. I didn't realize our relationship was toxic until the end, but I'm glad I know now.

 

I'm sorry you are not in a great place yet, but you will get there eventually, I promise!

 

I didn't want to quote your whole post but I will respond to each part! Your first paragraph I can really relate to in my relationship. He was well-liked by people who did not know him well...but they also did have to be like-minded. I've met a handful of people who after meeting him said things like he's "too much" "a lot to handle" "exhausting" "tries too hard" etc. To be fair, most of these were said after we had broken up so I try to take it with a grain of salt as they may have been saying those things to make me feel better. But since it has been said unprompted by many, I know I was not the only person who felt like this about him. The knowledge and drunken stories when trying to impress others and you being embarrassed by it was my ENTIRE life with him when we were with others!! He always put on a show and I dreaded hanging out with him in groups. I loved being one on one because he did not put on a show with me and was just himself and not obnoxious.

 

Your second paragraph also mirrors my situation. (Did we date the same man???) I also got vague compliments, mostly saying I was cute. I remember one time I asked what he liked most about me and he said the fact that you laugh at my jokes. I was a bit miffed by this, and asked if that was really it. He tried to make it sound a bit better by explaining that he liked to hear my laugh but did not come up with any other reasons. It was kinda upsetting at the time that he couldn't think of anything else but I pushed it aside, as I did everything else.

 

My ex also had an issue understanding and being empathetic when I was upset. He was only really remorseful on one occasion when he got (maybe?) the nastiest with me he had ever been. I was out with a guy on a date in one of our off periods, after he said he did not want to hang out or hook up anymore. He found out about the date because of course he had a friend at the bar and texted me saying that he knows I'm going to sleep with the guy because my period had just ended and I couldn't wait another day to have sex because I'm a slut and told me to **** off. After a few days, thankfully, he realized how far he took it and apologized genuinely and it felt sincere. That is the only apology I have gotten from him in the year and a half of knowing him. Usually if he had upset me, he would tell me I was being dramatic and laugh or threaten to break things off again. It was exhausting fighting with him.

 

How long did you guys date for? And how are you doing today? I find it to still be difficult. Honestly though, typing this out and remembering all the mean things he said does help. I need to remind myself of these awful things when I remember the good stuff. The mind is a cruel place.

[bluesunflower]

John101 hit on a very telling trait for identifying narcissism -- Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a hallmark tool used very frequently by a person who is operating on the higher end of the scale for narcissism. It is a very powerful tool for mental and emotional manipulation. Most "victims" of narcissists will complain of feeling as though they are going crazy when they speak of dealing with a partner/friend/relative who is a narcissist. The narcissist uses it to confuse and confound their victim and obfuscate an issue so that the other person usually gives up trying to address an issue out of frustration and or begins to question themselves which conveniently allows the narcissist to "win" the issue or it just goes away which is what they hope for.

 

Oh yes, I am very familiar with gaslighting unfortunately. It was always used on me to make me believe that I took things further in my mind. One time, he told a group of my friends at a bar about a time that I was rejected sexually (which I had never shared with anyone else there, as that's not something I wanted shared with others) and explained that makes him the hotter one in the relationship since he's never been turned down for sex. We of course got into an argument and he tried to convince me that none of them were listening, they were all drunk, he was telling a funny story, it was all a joke, etc etc. We never resolved it really, he stuck to his defense that I made it into something bigger than it was and that "nobody cares" to which I had to keep reminding him that I cared. It was so horrible. Gaslighting is the worst.

[stillafool]

He's only liked by the many that do not know him closely. Despite having friends, each and every single last one of them (I promise this is not an exaggeration) have expressed their frustration to me and more than half have branded him a narcissist without me prompting it. They keep him around because he's been there forever and he is definitely a fun person to have around, a "life of the party" type. But I promise you I'm not just labeling him that because I'm angry that I was dumped. I suspected narcissism, or traits of it, early on before all this mess. And I've been dumped in the past and never once turned to narcissism, in fact, I usually painted them in positive lights, even if I was upset and angry with them. I can see why you would say this, but the fact that everyone close to him has said this to me is a clear indication that I am not making things up.

 

Shortly before we broke up, we visited his family 6 hours away. While staying with them, his mom waited until he was out of the kitchen to turn to me and say quietly, "I would not blame you if you wanted to break up with him. I think you should." Without a chance to respond, he walked back into the room as I looked to my friend who was with us in shock. We both were speechless. There was NOTHING prompting this, and she said it to me so quickly without looking at me that I almost felt like I wasn't supposed to hear it.

 

He has huge ego issues. Whether it's a disorder or not, it affects many people in his life. I am not making it up.

 

Well again, no longer your problem or worth your mind space. He's gone and good riddance especially since his own mom doesn't seem to like him. You should be dancing for joy that you dodged a bullet instead of trying to figure him out. If his "disorder" affects the people in his life so be it. Just be glad it isn't you.

[sunflower24]

How long did you guys date for? And how are you doing today? I find it to still be difficult. Honestly though, typing this out and remembering all the mean things he said does help. I need to remind myself of these awful things when I remember the good stuff. The mind is a cruel place.

 

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I have actually been doing well for the most part recently -- we were involved for two and a half years and have been apart officially for 5 months. Was reminiscing about our good times earlier today actually, so coming on to see this thread is much needed to bring me back down to reality, haha.

 

We really seem to have dated a very, very similar guy, it's crazy. I'm sorry for all you had to endure because of him. Like I said above, I think I'm doing pretty well with it these days, but I know that the true issues are going to surface as I begin dating again. I walked on eggshells around my ex a lot, afraid to ever offend him or do anything to get myself labeled as a "b*tch" (voicing my opinions that differed from his, pushing back on his unacceptable behavior, getting upset with him about anything, ever....) and I know I will carry that with me to any new romantic relationship going forward. But I think being able to recognize that is definitely a good first step and will help me work through it when it arises. It's a process, but I hope the same will go for you as you move forward in your romantic life!

[bluesunflower]

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply! I have actually been doing well for the most part recently -- we were involved for two and a half years and have been apart officially for 5 months. Was reminiscing about our good times earlier today actually, so coming on to see this thread is much needed to bring me back down to reality, haha.

 

I am so happy to hear you are doing well! I have my ups and downs with it still and am not yet feeling in that next stage of moving on.

 

Have you been dating? I have tried to but it seems to make me feel worse.

 

Thank you for the update and encouragement!!

[sunflower24]

I am so happy to hear you are doing well! I have my ups and downs with it still and am not yet feeling in that next stage of moving on.

 

Have you been dating? I have tried to but it seems to make me feel worse.

 

Thank you for the update and encouragement!!

 

Of course! I have been actively seeking to meet new guys over the past few months, and I have gone on a handful of dates, but it tends to ultimately make me feel worse, too.

 

Part of me definitely believes I'm ready, because I genuinely am so excited to meet someone more compatible and deserving of my love, and it's great learning that better (less narcissistic!) guys exist out there who are also interested in me, but I feel as though my ex still has a hold on me, too. I want to believe I'm moved on, but when I'm alone and get in my thoughts, it's hard to fully convince myself of that.

 

I briefly read your most recent thread and again, I can completely relate!! I've had sex once since we have been officially broken up, and it was miserable for me. I had to hold back tears the entire time, and once we were finished I did cry for a few seconds while he was in another room. That was at least 2.5 months ago now, but I know if I tried to have sex so causally again right now, I would probably react the same. Probably TMI, but I can't even masturbate without picturing him and crying. That's how much it still affects me (and I was the one who broke up with him!). I'm working on it though. It's hard, I totally understand.

 

But I promise you, you're not alone or crazy! I think you just need to be patient and easy on yourself and take more time to heal emotionally before attempting to be with someone else physically. It truly is hard to separate the two, especially after the end of a toxic relationship and painful breakup.

Edited July 9, 2019 by sunflower24