Everything my mom does annoys me so much and I have no idea why...

[tme0]

I really don't want to feel like this but I am not sure why I do. I've felt like this for a very long time.

I can be in a fine mood and hop in her car and instantly I'm like :|

During the day at work, I text her frequently (about my son and random stuff. stuff happening during the day, if she needs something from somewhere, etc.) and I'm completely fine, in a fine mood, not annoyed as we text.

She can be telling me about something she saw on the news, or something she heard from a friend, and I'm just like :| ugh I normally don't say anything, just polite banter back and forth anyways, because I know feeling like that is wrong.

 

A bit of back story:

I'm married. Live with my husband and son. My mom lived and hour away from me but when my dad passed last year, she moved just a couple minutes away from me. She watches my son while hubby & I work. I drop him off and pick him up. On the weekends, I usually see her at least one day, because we go do errands (aka grocery shop) I normally get mine during the week, but I go with her because she doesn't know how to get anywhere yet. She's been up here over a year, but refuses to use the "unreliable" gps to go anywhere, so if she needs to go somewhere, I have to go. I feel like maybe that could be part of the reason.

 

She gives a ton of unsolicited advice. I think that could be another reason. Mostly regarding my son. I'm nearly 30, and my son is a toddler. In college my studies revolved around children, and I read up on a ton of information about child rearing. I know I don't know everything, but I feel like I know how to raise him. Sometimes I do need help on something and I will gladly ask her.

For instance, I dropped him off one morning. She kept going on and on about how his ears are cold (because it's cold out) and how I shouldn't let that happen. He goes from my car in my garage..to my car in her garage. He won't wear a hat, he pulls it off. what am i supposed to do. He's fine. He's wearing warm clothes, he's not freezing. It's just a few minute ride to her house.

 

Sometimes when she comes over to my house, she'll point out stuff like how my backyard looks like crap and it's so sad we let it get that way. Or how the window is really filthy. Or the stove is dirty. I feel like that is really inappropriate. I don't go to her house and let her know what I think about it. I work all week, I'm pregnant, have a toddler and have housework. I don't get to all the housework as I'd like, but my house is not a pigsty or anything.

I feel like this could be another reason.

 

But then again I'm not sure, because I've felt this way for as long as I can remember... Even when I was still living with my parents.

 

Growing up, my parents (mainly her) were crazy strict. Couldn't do much. Felt suffocated. And I think maybe I'm still feeling that way, and as an adult I'm just really not wanting to feel like that. It's no longer "Her house her rules" and I don't want to keep feeling like that in my own house.

 

I'm just not sure. I hate feeling this way because she really is a good person and she helps me out so much, I feel bad. I just don't know how to get rid of this.

 

Any suggestions?

TIA

[amaysngrace]

She’s probably still grieving the loss of your father and says negative things because she’s in a negative state of mind. Try to be patient with her. She recently lost her life companion.

 

I’m sorry for your loss too x

[Mr. Lucky]

She watches my son while hubby & I work.

 

She gives a ton of unsolicited advice.

 

Package deal, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you sign up for mom-provided - and presumably free - child care.

 

tme0, she's been your mom all your life so you know her tendencies well. You could tell her how this makes you feel, but it's pretty unrealistic to think she's going to change now.

 

Do the math - 40 hrs child care per week times X dollars per hour equals XXX. Only you can decide if it's worth it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lorenza]

If you use her for free babysitting, then you'll have to hear her pointing out your "mistakes". I don't know a single family where this isn't happening. If you involve your parents in raising your child, you will hear a lot of lecturing. If you moved further away and your mother would only visit sometimes, she would probably withhold from giving you remarks as the distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I discuss most of the things with my mom and naturally she lectures me whenever she feels like it. Yes, it's annoying. But that's how it is with moms...

[d0nnivain]

Learn to ignore her. Let whatever she says go in one ear & out the other. So what that your backyard looks like crap? It's your backyard & you are an adult. When she says things about your son respond by saying "thanks for the suggestion" then so whatever you want.

 

Stop texting her all day, every day. Your productivity will increase.

 

On the next few errands for maybe the next month, make her drive so she learns the way. First time you sit & navigate. Next time make her drive but turn on the GPS & let her see how "unreliable" it really isn't. Next time make her turn on the GPS. After that make her drive 2-3 times to the grocery store without navigation until she learns it.

 

After that run errands when you want to see, not out of obligation.

[preraph]

Well, she's putting in a lot of hours raising your son, so she is entitled to input on that. The other stuff, she just wants you to be just like her. You need to tell her you're glad you're not the type of person to fret and feel pressure over an imperfect backyard. You have to stand up for yourself and let her know you're not her.

 

You need to cut her off right now from having to have you go everywhere with her. That's nonsense. She's doing you a big favor watching your child, so yes, you owe her some return consideration, but it's too much for her to be totally dependent on you like that. You need to learn to tell her no. It's not that hard to learn your way to the grocery store! She shouldn't need gps since she's gone with you. Have her drive next time with you in the car.

[BaileyB]

I feel for you, it's pretty difficult to maintain healthy boundaries when your mother lives a couple minutes away and provides daily childcare. I feel like my mother would have been the same...

 

You have lost your father, so you know that parents don't live forever. Try to keep that perspective when your mother does something frustrating... These are the little things that are frustrating in the moment, but really don't matter in the big picture.