How do I approach this ?

[What to do?]

Hi I require a bit of perspective / encouragement or just a healthy dose of reality

 

My long-term girlfriend and I broke up about 3 months back and she insisted on NC, which I unsuccessfully tried to break for the first month or so until as she asked me to respect her decision so I finally managed to get a grip of myself.

 

Must say I was devastated during the break-up and done all the things I should not have begged made unrealistic suggestions ect, this carried on for about a month so I think she saw me in a new light and I was not as strong as I appeared for the last year.

 

I would like to think my actions only showed her how much she means to me else why would I have even bothered.?

 

We broke up because for a year and a bit it was a LDR and she got tired of not having me around and said as much, I could not change my life due to commitments which have now ended. We really did love each other as we both confirmed during the fighting part of the break-up. I think it was the uncertainty of the situation which eventually got her and she thought she would rather go through the pain now than to hang on in a relationship going nowhere, but I love her and am committed to her and want to be with her even if I have to leave my employment and search for another where she is.

 

So the question I’d like especially the women to answer is, are my actions forgivable? ,( I would think time is a healer ) and when do I try to recontact her and how would I approach it ?

[DesertDweller]

Hi. It doesn't sound like you did anything despicable; you were just needy. If I'm a typical woman, I would say we don't respect weak men. We want to believe men are the strong ones, the protectors. By pulling away, you've proven you can be strong. Playing hard-to-get would probably be the best way to go until she wants you back. Be supportive and loving, but don't always be there when she calls. Your goal is to regain her respect. Let her know--without words--that you love her, but can live without her if necessary. (Even if it's not true!) Keep me informed.

[francis]

if you truly believe that the only reason the two of you arent together now is because of the distance, then you may have a good chance of reconciliation.

 

it depends obviously on the amount of contact you've had recently. do you know her position now and how she feels? does she know how you feel and how ready you are to make compromises and life changing decisions to be with her?

 

my ldr ended at the beginning of May, your situation sounds a lot like mine and I believe that the only reason we could not work it out was because we couldnt handle being apart, it was too hard.

 

if you havent been in touch with her for a while, you need to tread carefully, go slowly and be gentle, don't go doing anything drastic. you need to know how she feels now about the possibility of you solving the LDR issue. it depends on whether she wants to make it work with you.

let me know what happens.

[francis]

can i just add that it was the uncertainty of the direction of my ldr that upset me the most, if you are to stand a chance, you need to work out in your own mind a definite solution to the distance thing, if that is what you really want.

 

it isnt really enough to speculate about potentially being able to work where she is. do research, look into real possibilities so that you are able to put these possibilities forward to her, obviously when the time is right. be in control, show her you mean business. it sounds like she needed a sign from you that you were committed to her, and that perhaps you didnt communicate that well enough to her.

[What to do ?]

To be honest I think I've blown it completely and have accepted it , when she asked me to respect her NC she did not do it in a nice way at , to be honest there where threats made . I think she is overwelmed by negetive thoughts about me and does'nt realise that my behaviour was only temp and brought about by rather unique factors.

 

During the breakup and after I was extremely stressed by things

. She refused to attend my sisters wedding even before the breakup even though she paid for the flight ect , she felt 'I had to think without her being there'.

. Two days later I left to work in another country for a while , I knew absolutely nobody and she was consentely on my mind hense me not being able to stop contacting.

 

Francis

I made it more than clear that I was more than commited to her . In a month and a half I will be working a hour away from her , which is a lot better than a continent . I have been going through a retrospective stage and realise where I whent wrong , reading a book on emotinal intellegence has been most enlightning . So if anything I have grown a lot through this bad expierience and will not be making the same mistakes again .

 

But as far as she goes its highly unlikely its been 2 months with absolutely no contact and I hear she is seeing someone else. A lot of damage has been done and not all by me .

[francis]

ok, you have to look at the facts. you have not spoken in two months with the rumour that she is seeing someone else. it is very possible she has already moved on.

 

the only thing to do is strike up communication with her again. tell her your plans, update her and find out where she's at in her life. gauge her responses. follow your gut feeling.

 

if the love is real and is felt by both of you, you may be able to work it out. but at the moment you are totally in the dark as to how she feels about you, let alone, whether she would resume a relationship with you.

 

TALK TO HER.

[leighmc]

I broke up with my boyfriend and he did the same thing as you did for about a month and a half. He called all the time and told me he loved me and missed me and wanted another chance. I continuously said no. His constant phone calls were more annoying then anything. Well, now he has moved on and i'm finding myself missing him more than ever. Now, he doesn't want me back and i'm trying to deal with that. My advice to you would be to just let her go and if she is anything like me, she will realize what she lost. (by the way i'm having a hard time taking my own advice in letting him go. I'm on day one of NC.

Good luck!

[kscholze]

leighmc-

 

I have a similar situation. If I do the NC wont she forget about the great love that we had together.

 

I have done NC for about a month and then she did come back and say that she loved me, but she was with her ex.

 

Should I NC again and see what happens, or do I need to make sure she knows I still love her?

[bewtyful mind]

Why do I hear them reading the posts to me. They tell me that they didn't do it but I keep seeing them. They go into my computer. I cant use a computer anymore. Why they say that they are not writing. I checked with IT and they think Im crazy. I checked with them and they say they dont write. I dont know what to think. Am I paranoid. No body believes me. They said they be "best" but they just walk away and leave me fall to the floor. I was only askiohjg hfioor hlep. I Just wanted womansioh advice'l/. Someone please commit meee joinn an institutionl, Whya reythey dojng thisl. Stop fowujking me

[leighmc]

I would definatly make sure she knows you still love her and once you tell her that go forward with the NC. It will help her think about everything you had in the past and if she wants to move on with you in the future, she will realize it. If she still loves you she will think about you often, wonder what you are doing and will wonder if you still love her. She will eventually contact you if she loves you and you are meant to be together. Just remember, everything happens for a reason and if you two don't get back together, you will be a stronger person going into your next relationship.

[What to do?]

She has moved on but I guess due to the impossible situation with the distance and the instability of my job I cannot be too angry .

 

What puzzels me is the relationship was so good for so long and ended suprisingly quickly . It takes me quite a while to fall in love and it seems quite a while to fall out again.

 

I think the best thing for me to do is only contact her in 2 months time when I am in the country and take it from there , either her current relationship has run its course or she is madly in love and wonders why she has wasted a year of her life waiting for me.

 

From my perspective it is worth saving , I think after 4 months or so she can think objectively about things and hopefully not all her thoughts about me are negative .

 

If we are meant to be we will get back together, or at the least staying in touch would be nice but I cannot just write somebody off after what we had.