She said she could never love me as she lover her Soulmate

[Rafaduu]

So I met a girl at the beginning of this year.

At first everything went well for 6 months or so. We lived separately I visited her and she visited me we had great time together and everything went well. You know the story first phase of relationship etc. Everything is new and exciting

 

At some point we moved together somewhere around the summer so we were together at that point for 7 months maybe.

 

I am 28 years old and she is 27 so I believe we have had some experience with relations ships before and we both communicated what do we want from this relationship and what are the expectation.

 

She was really direct I remember on our first date that she wants a men who can provide her with house and children... a stability in other words and that she is tired of all those pointless relationships that do not lead anywhere.

 

So eventually we both felt attraction to each other our goals were in collaboration so we though we could give it a shot.

 

Anyways after moving in together through out the summer we had excellent time together. We were planning on building our own home and even had some discussions about children ... after we would acquire our own home somewhere in the countryside. (We both do pretty well and we financially would have been able to afford it)

 

 

But then THIS happened

 

I went to a football game with my friends for a week to the other country (we do that every year) and we did not see each other for a week maybe.

 

When I came back it was Friday and we decided that we wanted to stay at our rental home and have some wine... (romantic evening)

 

At some point during discussion .... with some wine in her already she became very emotional out of the blue and started to talk to me about a guy she was with before... (somewhat maybe 2-3 years ago).

She said that this guy was her SOULMATE and love of her life but for some reason ( i do not know why) they did not stay together. She described him as herself in another body :/

That he is exactly like her, that she had the best time with him and so on

 

She additionally said that she will never be as happy with me as she was with him and started to cry.

 

(For a point after this guy she has been with another one for some time so I was not the next guy after him she has been in a relationship with)

 

After hearing this something inside me shattered... I did not know how to react... I distanced myself from this discussion and eventually we just fell asleep.

 

Although she had told me that she loved me and I had also said that to her something changed as she also said that she could never love me as she did him.

 

After that for a few months now our relation has been going downhill and pretty fast.

We have both distanced ourselves we can not connect anymore on emotional level nor physical (we have not had sex since that night)

 

This weekend we got into a new argument (not that we would argue a lot we are just being static, distanced, cold even to each other) and IT eventually escalated to the point where I suggested we should move on with our lives if she can not get over her "Soulmate". (She again mentioned during this argument that she can not be together with whom she would really want to be) after I suggested that maybe she should go back to the one she truly loves and wants to be with and I suggested that true love comes once I a lifetime and it would be stupid not to fight for it.

 

So the escalation point ended with her being dressed and ready to walk out the door with me sitting and already accepting that it is the end. And as she moved to the door, she took a last glanze at me, she bursted to tears and came back into my arms.

 

 

 

It is not that I do not love her and probably she also have some deep feelings for me, but she just can not settle down in the relationship.

 

Additionally I found out that they are still texting to each other. When I confronted her she said they are still friends and she can show all the messages in her phone and she has nothing to hide.... if I would want.

 

It seems to me she just can not get over him and there for some reason she does not want to be with him also (although he is single)

 

I said I do not want to read the chat between them on the phone as I am not interested in that. I want to be in a relationship where there is no need to spy on each other and control each other.

 

I am just trying to understand... can this just be a phase or will she probably be haunted by it all of her life and what should I do????

 

So sorry for the long post anyone have any suggestions with this problem maybe for me.

[d0nnivain]

If she has a soulmate who is not you, disconnect. You can't put a square peg in a round hole. Stop trying. Part of you will always know she "settled" for you, her second choice, because she couldn't have you. That's not way to live. Go find a woman who things you hang the moon

[doyathinkso]

It's done. Done like dinner.

 

Don't be the one she 'settled' for. Don't be her silver medal.

 

She's still texting with Mr. Perfect? Oh for crying out loud. Tell her to go be with him and stop bothering you.

 

Get your keys back.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I'd file this one under "severely unprepared and unqualified to deal with the realities of adult relationships."

 

It's one thing to feel like you connected with someone in a special and unique way. That's understandable. People have different personalities and ways of communicating. It's another thing entirely to hold that person out as being somehow better or more suitable for you than the person you are with - the person who loves you and is available to you and wants to be with you. Or to make that person the focus of your new relationship. That's childish and disrespectful.

 

It also strikes me as really narcissistic and shortsighted that she thinks he was perfect because he was just like her.

 

I say dump her.

 

Why doesn't Mr. Perfect want her? I bet he's got plenty of reasons.

[BC1980]

I would proceed as if this is over for good. She is obviously not over this guy.

[Orokotikki]

Unanimous agreement all around. Consider it a bullet dodged, friend.

[Purepony]

Yeah that’s what it sounds like ^^^

 

I’m sure if he took her back she would drop you in a second or who knows maybe she is confused and if she is that still doesn’tean she’s ready to settle down with you or even be serious to you.

 

She really won’t be able to move on because they still text and are in some way communicating.... she should have enough respect for you to tell him something along the lines of “ I’m seeing someone and I really want to focus on him and me so please take care” but instead she engages in this communication back and forth.

[preraph]

I bet she texted him during that week you were gone. It would have happened eventually anyway. It probably won't even work out, but she wants something different, and you want someone who wants you. Sorry it didn't work out. I guess you both looked good on paper to each other.

[Serotonine]

 

Quite a common thing among women.Google "alpha widow".

 

On the practical side: you need to break up with her,it wont work.

[Marc878]

You have another man in your relationship. "Just friends" is the biggest lie told.

 

Move on if you're smart. At this point you're nothing but a rebound.

[Rafaduu]

Well I am a type of person who has always put myself first... actually

 

And developments in recent days have been quite interesting.

After the big argument and drama (the one where she almost left and eventually stayed) she has changed dramatically

 

The reason for that I think is that i declared that if she will keep in touch with her ex then I will keep in touch with my female friends (that I had many before I eventually got into relationship with her)

 

Before I "settled" down with her I had pretty good single guy life. Not that I was chasing woman they somehow where attracted to me themselves.

I do see myself as a good package " as I have over average looks, masters degree, my own side business and a very interesting job". And chasing girls was never and never will be my main goal in life. I have my own goals that I will chase to the end with someone or without.

 

What is interesting Is that I do not feel jealous even that she talks with her ex guy because I know as a whole package I am way better

 

He has had problems with drugs at some point and has a child with someone else that he has to take care of etc etc.

 

I proposed to her that we keep an open relationship with no expectations and she was really confused with that.

As i do work almost every day and I like it.

I also travel a lot and will travel even more so we would see each other maybe few days a week max.

 

I do have good time with her and even have some feelings for her but I is not love I have understood (I actually believe I have not felt this feeling ever :/) but maybe I have understood that she can not be the one and when I will want I will spend some time with her and mostly focus on my own life.

As I also think responsibilities in relationship will drag me down

 

Additionally she has become so jealous of me talking with my ex female friends that that is kinda funny actually and her insecurity have come out.

She now calls 4 times a day and that even annoys me a little bit as she has become so needy all of a sudden.

 

So in conclusion I can not take her seriously anymore and I have a lot of other things to do in life that need my attention more.

 

Maybe I will keep her as a friend eventually and maybe that is what we should have been in the first place.