Wife says it "I love you but I'm not in love with you" Now What

[jos79]

Friday as I was fixing our oldest kids car, my wife comes in the garage and says "we need to talk". We have been together for 20 years and married for 16. We talked for a while as she explained how she just isn't in love with me anymore. I agree that this has been getting worse over the last few years and let me do a little explaining.

 

When we first got engaged she started a relationship with someone else and left me. After a few months she came back and we got re-engaged and married. About a year later she cheated again and we were able to work our way through it. Then we had our ups and downs. Fast forward to 5 years ago. I made the same mistake she had, and it is the only thing I regret in my life. We spent years trying to make it work but she will never trust me again.

 

I have always had emotional and relationship problems (high functioning aspie) and in confrontation either get angry and shut down or complete emotional meltdown. I have never once blamed her or said anything about her past affairs. I know that I do not notice body language or verbal cues. Over the last 2 years our relationship has been in a slow decline. I struggle to give emotional support and in return, everything I do is wrong and nothing is good enough. I was in counseling for my aspergers which she was unwilling to attend, and I also suggested marriage counseling which was also a no-go.

 

We decided it is time to part ways which is extremely difficult because we purchased a new home 8 months ago, and have 3 kids under 17. I want her to stay in the home until the kids all graduate (during which time I pay the mortgage). I am still in love with her but because I struggle to express it like a "normal person" I am not providing her with what she needs. So it is best to divorce so she can have have a regular relationship, and (even though I am in love with her) eliminate her constant belittling of me. Am I correct?

 

I turned to the internet because I don't make connections with people easily, all of my friends are through her. How can I move on and keep everyone happy. No matter what she tells people, I will never respond with my side since any of it doesn't matter. We are working on getting things figured out and telling the kids after christmas break. What to do now..... Am I just being self centered, because I have to worry about me and the children right now and what happens happens, or do you fight to save something that won't ever end up working out?

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to Infidelity

[doyathinkso]

Wife says it "I love you but I'm not in love with you" Now What?

 

 

Well, for starters, you find out who she's having her affair with.

[Artdeco]

OP, welcome! Unfortunately, your history doesn’t necessarily indicate that you’re going to have a very good chance of reconciliation. You might bridge the gap again, like you did in the past, in order to make the M “appear” to be working, but your history tells a different story. You both have had affairs/sexual relations with other people in the course of your R, so I’m afraid there’s a lack of loyalty to begin with.

 

What adds fuel to the fire, of course, is the fact that you guys have problems communicating. Communication is key in a relationship. So if you want to make it work, despite all that has transpired, I would suggest that you try to communicate your desires, emotions, future plans, and give her enough time to respond to those suggestions accordingly.

 

She might be having another affair right now, which is why she says that she’s not in love with you anymore. But these things are hard to verify, so the only thing you can really do is present your case, present it to her in the most compassionate way possible, and see what she has to say to this. Listen to her! Unfortunately - when I read your story, I think that your M history is quite problematic. For this reason, I’m not sure whether or not she will respond in a way that you would find satisfactory/acceptable.

 

I always find that once people move away from each other – emotionally or physically (affair or not, could be for many reasons) - another attempt to move closer together is only a “patching-it-up-situation” that doesn’t really work for most people. There will always be this big elephant in the room that will always stand between you guys.

 

Unless you guys are really on the same page, sit down with each other, have the hard conversation, discuss the tough parts, tell one another honestly what you want and expect, what you’re prepared to do yourself, what you expect from your partner, come to a conclusion together, do the hard work, etc., your M will either fail, or be just a façade. But to do all that, both of you need to be all-in and you both need to know what you want, which is the M to be working out long-term. Obviously, your wife is not there at the moment. How can you get her there?

[bathtub-row]

Whenever I hear that phrase, I think it should be re-worded as: I love you but I really don’t like you very much.

 

Personally, I think it’s incredibly immature to think those feelings of being in love will last year after year. It’s usually replaced by other mature feelings like being secure that person is staying with you, that the two of you really get along and are proud of the life you created together - all that. This thing about being in love sounds very high school-ish. I mean, it’s great if that lasts but I doubt that’s common.

 

I find it pretty hard to believe that your affair was so bad that the two of you barely repaired things, while her breaking up with you while engaged and then having an affair was...what, exactly? Barely a blip on the radar?

 

Not sure what to tell you. It sounds like she wants out. Maybe you can convince her to stay until the kids are grown but if she has met someone, she may not be willing to do that. Either way, it sounds like the two of you have been incompatible from the very beginning. It’s sad that it has gone this far and still no real commitment.

[Alamo657]

You don't. When a relationship doesn't work - and it goes for work and friends as well - you end it and you leave before the 2 parties become miserable.

 

 

It seems you're already both miserables so it's high time to end it.

 

 

This woman has no affection for you anymore if she's being nasty toward your condition.

 

 

When someone has no affection for you, don't stick around that person.

[Mr. Lucky]

So it is best to divorce so she can have have a regular relationship, and (even though I am in love with her) eliminate her constant belittling of me. Am I correct?

 

You're going to have to accept and understand this isn't your question to ask. If she won't go to MC and is truly "done", how do you stay married?

 

Time to start the 180, linked here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Keep posting, lots of great support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[40somethingGuy]

Friday as I was fixing our oldest kids car, my wife comes in the garage and says "we need to talk". We have been together for 20 years and married for 16. We talked for a while as she explained how she just isn't in love with me anymore. I agree that this has been getting worse over the last few years and let me do a little explaining.

 

When we first got engaged she started a relationship with someone else and left me. After a few months she came back and we got re-engaged and married. About a year later she cheated again and we were able to work our way through it. Then we had our ups and downs. Fast forward to 5 years ago. I made the same mistake she had, and it is the only thing I regret in my life. We spent years trying to make it work but she will never trust me again.

 

I have always had emotional and relationship problems (high functioning aspie) and in confrontation either get angry and shut down or complete emotional meltdown. I have never once blamed her or said anything about her past affairs. I know that I do not notice body language or verbal cues. Over the last 2 years our relationship has been in a slow decline. I struggle to give emotional support and in return, everything I do is wrong and nothing is good enough. I was in counseling for my aspergers which she was unwilling to attend, and I also suggested marriage counseling which was also a no-go.

 

We decided it is time to part ways which is extremely difficult because we purchased a new home 8 months ago, and have 3 kids under 17. I want her to stay in the home until the kids all graduate (during which time I pay the mortgage). I am still in love with her but because I struggle to express it like a "normal person" I am not providing her with what she needs. So it is best to divorce so she can have have a regular relationship, and (even though I am in love with her) eliminate her constant belittling of me. Am I correct?

 

I turned to the internet because I don't make connections with people easily, all of my friends are through her. How can I move on and keep everyone happy. No matter what she tells people, I will never respond with my side since any of it doesn't matter. We are working on getting things figured out and telling the kids after christmas break. What to do now..... Am I just being self centered, because I have to worry about me and the children right now and what happens happens, or do you fight to save something that won't ever end up working out?

First thing I would do is go online and look at the phone and text history. You will very likely find a re-occurring number in there that is otherwise out of place. That is where you start. She has a history of cheating and that is 99% what she is doing. It sucks the kids have to live through this but they also are getting older and you shouldn't have to pay child support forever. Sounds like a real toxic relationship and best to start over. Just don't be so willing to give if in fact she is cheating. Women who cheat do not deserve to be rewarded. Check out the phone bill and report back. That is a start. Email passwords? The phone is a gold mine. I would assume she has a lock on it that doesn't allow you access. That is a very red flag.

[pepperbird]

First off, allow me to disabuse people of the notion that an autistic is not suffering from a "disease", "condition" or anything else.

 

 

 

 

Second, op, your asperger's isn't any excuse for your spouse to treat you badly. her doing that is on her. She has options, she can talk to you, she can go to counseling with you ( which you say she turned down) etc..

 

 

 

Instead, she chose this route, which is very often "cheater speak" for "I'm having an affair, but I'm going to try and make myself feel less guilty".

 

 

In your shoes, I would verify that she isn't cheating. If she's not, then I would insist on her attending marriage counseling. If she says "no", then you have an important piece of information. She really doesn't care enough to try.

 

 

 

 

If she is cheating, then I would humbly suggest you build a strong support network for yourself ( a counselor or therapist, friends and family and online- Wrong Planet is a great website for adults on the spectrum) and begin to detach yourself. It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, just that you are prepared.

 

either way, I would suggest a visit to a lawyer's office. Find out where you stand.

[Orokotikki]

First thing I would do is go online and look at the phone and text history. You will very likely find a re-occurring number in there that is otherwise out of place. That is where you start. She has a history of cheating and that is 99% what she is doing. It sucks the kids have to live through this but they also are getting older and you shouldn't have to pay child support forever. Sounds like a real toxic relationship and best to start over. Just don't be so willing to give if in fact she is cheating. Women who cheat do not deserve to be rewarded. Check out the phone bill and report back. That is a start. Email passwords? The phone is a gold mine. I would assume she has a lock on it that doesn't allow you access. That is a very red flag.

 

She has already cheated before.

 

OP, time to steel your nerves and divorce her. For the sake of you and your children. Imagine one of your children was suffering from such infidelity from their spouse - what would have them do to free themselves from the pain and move on to a happier life?

 

Your actions here will act as a model for them. You letting her walk all over your marriage will signal to them that it is ok for either them to suffer under such circumstance or perpetrate it.

 

BTW when they say ILYBINILWY - they are cheating or lining up to cheat - especially if they have cheated before.

 

It will hurt and be hard, but see a lawyer and get your finances sorted immediately. But, in time, you will be much better off. Worlds better off.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill. You’ll find her boyfriends number there

[Jamess1]

When we first got engaged she started a relationship with someone else and left me. After a few months she came back and we got re-engaged and married. About a year later she cheated again and we were able to work our way through it.

 

She never loved you from the start, she married you because the other guy(s) she was really into wouldn't, you were a plan B, a choice she made since she was getting older and really wanted a family. How could she love and respect a man who takes her back and marries her after she had just cheated.

 

I made the same mistake she had, and it is the only thing I regret in my life.

Why ! The only thing you should regret is marrying a whhore, she cheated twice (probably more) and you cheated once, that is nothing to regret.

 

We spent years trying to make it work but she will never trust me again.

Your mentality is your own enemy like many other guys I council : she cheated twice and it is your trust for her that is in question, she has been gas-lighting you the whole marriage.

 

I have never once blamed her or said anything about her past affairs.

You say that as if it is a good trait, yet it is the reason why she lost love and respect for you, if she ever had any, women want a man who holds them accountable and sets a standard for their behavior. Deep inside every little girl wants her father to protect her from her bad decision, despite them acting as if they hate their fathers over-protectiveness, most problems women have can be traced to their 'daddy issues' : deep inside your wife was betrayed when you didn't blame her, and hold her accountable and even divorce her for cheating.

 

everything I do is wrong and nothing is good enough.

It's all in your head, your perceptions of yourselves are not reality, this can be traced to your childhood, e.g a strict father, who spoke down on you, demanded hard-work but never affirmed you.(Negative self-perceptions, beliefs, stay with in us because of unreleased /buried emotions)

 

I want her to stay in the home until the kids all graduate (during which time I pay the mortgage).

No No No. the moment you divorce , you stop investing in her life, she doesn't love you, never did, nor can you love her, since you clearly don't love yourself -you are trying to love yourself through her, and even your daughter, and family. Don't pay the mortgage anymore - sell the house and split the money. Or pay half the money.

 

eliminate her constant belittling of me. Am I correct?

After men like you meet me, their only regret is not having met me earlier. A common misconception,you are trying to be self-sacrificing, selfless, etc : as your life testifies : a woman will never respect, love or be loyal to you more for the sacrifices you make in her life, nor is she capable of appreciating those sacrifices you made, she will resent your expectation for a reward in love, sex or otherwise, for the sacrifices you made for her..what fulfills yourself and your partner is 'authentic selfishness' - I am only with a woman who makes me happy, they enjoy the fact that they are pleasing and fulfilling to a man they respect,while they hate and cheat on men like you who make them 'women' the center of their lives.

 

How can I move on and keep everyone happy.

This is another root of your problem, you can't keep everyone happy, it's impossible, leaving this woman and moving on with your life will make you happy and that is what you have to do.

 

Am I just being self centered, because I have to worry about me

Lol, if you were self-centered half your problems would have been gone already, like I said, you love yourself through others. And that is selfish; love you.

 

Get divorced ASAP, be selfish during the divorce : half of everything: she never loved you, not even from day one, and never did and never will, get your kids DNA tested, seriously...I submit to you : "Divorcing you now, just before the kids go to college was always her plan from day one (..or a year after marriage)"...you are already replaced 'yes she has been cheating all this time' - look at the dynamic of how she told you...by all means get a DNA test for your kids...I doubt there are all yours.

 

You lacked a strong masculine presence in your childhood..but it's not to late...Message me...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jos, after all the advice you have received where do you stand? What do you plan to do? Remaining static in your situation would be a killer. Just a thought! Best wishes.

[karnak]

You don't. When a relationship doesn't work - and it goes for work and friends as well - you end it and you leave before the 2 parties become miserable.

 

 

It seems you're already both miserables so it's high time to end it.

 

 

This woman has no affection for you anymore if she's being nasty toward your condition.

 

 

When someone has no affection for you, don't stick around that person.

 

These words should be written in school books so that every kid should remember them while grwoing up.

 

Unfortunately it seems most humans have an habit to stay in abusive and broken situations. It could be a bad marriage, a bad job or a bad friendship.

 

And it really sickens me.The times people stay in abusive relationships or lousy jobs and are too coward to quit, because they're afraid of the unknown. And it's also disgusting how these people lie so much to themselves in order to justify their cowardice. "I can't because leave because of my kids", "I fear I'll never find anything better", etc etc

 

I once had a friend who was working in a terrible job. He hated it so much that every time we met he'd say how horrible it was and how sick and tired he was of the colleagues and his boss.

I kept telling him to quite and find something better. But he always gave his lame excuses.

I grew so tired of his same talk that we had a serious argument and we cut connection.

 

Some years later I was told (by someone who knew him) that he ended up gettting fired and he managed to find a better job that he seems to like and even pays more than the previous one.

The guy was/is obviously a coward Beta and I don't regret ending my friendship, but it only proves that when we're in a bad spot it's our sole responsability to get out and find our happiness elsewhere.