PinkDotsXOXO Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) Hi all, Thanks in advanced for all your help. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 2 years and are getting married in 2020. We are very much in love and in every way he is perfect for me except for our sex life. We really don’t do much except cuddle and give quick pecks on the lips. Anytime we have sex I have to initiate it and sometimes we end up doing it or he falls asleep. I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isn’t the case). It’s not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. He’ll say he thinks he’s bad at it; I’ve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that. We are going to be starting couples counseling but in the meantime I have no idea what to do we are getting married and I don’t wanqn feel lonely and that my needs aren’t being met when we make such a serious commitment. Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to GM Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Sex and money issues are the ones that most frequently break up marriages. If you aren't willing for the rest of your life to be like it is now then you shouldn't be planning on marrying him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 You're in a tough spot... These things rarely get better, and why would you want to be with someone that you have to put a proverbial gun to their head to have sex with? If he was willing to deal with it head on, without you pressuring him, then it may be something to be hopeful about, but that doesn't seem like the case here, and even if he did, it doesn't guarantee anything... The other thing you need to be aware of is that if you move on, then you may find the sexual dynamo that you desire, but he may not be as "good" as the fiance in the other areas of the relationship...That is entirely possible.. As they often say in sports with guys "on the bubble": so to speak...You have to play him or trade him...Easier said than done, but that's the long and short of it... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 Get a tiki idol and tell your BF when he sees it of the kitchen counter it is there to remind him of his manly duties. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 The sex will get worse once you marry. If you are already unhappy do not marry. Fix it if you can but otherwise think long & hard about whether you want a celibate marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Take it from someone that’s been in your shoes for 20+ years, we had a pretty good sex life in the beginning stages of our relationship but declined a lot after a couple years, we got married even though I was questioning our sex life inside and never got better, became non existent, slowly became just room mates overtime, then 20 years later it’s been a very lonely marriage, which led me to cheat once when I had the opportunity, which felt incredible to be desired. Really think about it, how old are you both? mine was early 30s when he lost his mojo, now almost 50 and I’m dying inside, feel like he’s slowly killing me. I only have a few good years left, I should have bailed a long time ago, no kids, I still have a little time, if I do bail, I feel like I’ll become a major slut and love it:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Please do not marry this man. You are signing up for a lifetime of sexual frustration. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Please do not marry this man. You are signing up for a lifetime of sexual frustration. Yup! Listen to Betty, sexually frustrated for 20 years now, I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 , I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery! Please tell me that is hyperbole. Buy a toy, get a divorce, hell have an affair but don't kill yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Please tell me that is hyperbole. Buy a toy, get a divorce, hell have an affair but don't kill yourself. Yes dO, I’m totally being over dramatic, just saying, the lack of sex and compassion, I feel somedays like that but no, never would do something like that. Hard to get divorced when your married to your best friend. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. In 20 years, I’ve only come across one guy that I was attracted to and had a brief affair with. I would be more afraid of a bad relationship and lots of sex, then lots of sex and a bad relationship. There are other ways, yes to satisfy yourself sexually:) no relationship will ever be perfect, might seem that way in the beginning but not forever! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Yup! Listen to Betty, sexually frustrated for 20 years now, I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery! That's awful. What are you going to do to change your situation? One of the reasons I married my husband was our passionate sex life. If our sex life became unsatisfying, we would both do whatever we could to improve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isn’t the case). It’s not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. He’ll say he thinks he’s bad at it; I’ve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that. The poor and infrequent sexlife is just a symptom, the real disease is his unwillingness to address what you've expressed is a major issue. How will you solve the other problems that invariably arise with children, finances and careers? This isn't just a red flag, it's DEFCON 1. If you can't solve this during couple's counseling, DON'T get married... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
nodramallama Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I, too, married my best friend when I was 40 (first marriage for me) but our sex life was crap from the get go. I thought love and respect and kindness and faithfulness was enough in a marriage. I was wrong. Sometimes, love isn't enough. I divorced him after 10 years of marriage (no kids), and thankfully, we are still good friends. 3 years later at age 51, I met an amazing man who not only is my partner in all things and my best friend, but I'm finally having a fun and fulfilling sex life! lol The fact that your fiance is unwilling to address an issue so vital to your happiness and your relationship is a huge red flag. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 The poor and infrequent sexlife is just a symptom, the real disease is his unwillingness to address what you've expressed is a major issue. How will you solve the other problems that invariably arise with children, finances and careers? This isn't just a red flag, it's DEFCON 1. If you can't solve this during couple's counseling, DON'T get married... Mr. Lucky!Ding Ding Ding! Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Hi all, Thanks in advanced for all your help. My fiancé and I have been together for almost 2 years and are getting married in 2020. We are very much in love and in every way he is perfect for me except for our sex life. We really don’t do much except cuddle and give quick pecks on the lips. Anytime we have sex I have to initiate it and sometimes we end up doing it or he falls asleep. I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isn’t the case). It’s not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. He’ll say he thinks he’s bad at it; I’ve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that. We are going to be starting couples counseling but in the meantime I have no idea what to do we are getting married and I don’t wanqn feel lonely and that my needs aren’t being met when we make such a serious commitment. Well it depends on how important sex is to you. I don't care if I never have sex again. If you really like sex than it's a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Well it depends on how important sex is to you. I don't care if I never have sex again. Like most engaged persons, she cares: I don’t wanqn feel lonely and that my needs aren’t being met when we make such a serious commitment. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
L0nely Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Don't get married to this guy. End it so he can go find someone that is sex compatible with him. And you can find someone else that is sex compatible with you. There may be love for him now, but as time goes by, and if sex is not compatible with each other, the love will fade. These kind of problems will not get better with time; only worst and resentments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 getting married but... OP, your thread title reveals all. Do not get married...there should be no "buts" about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 The sex will get worse once you marry. If you are already unhappy do not marry. Fix it if you can but otherwise think long & hard about whether you want a celibate marriage. I can't second this enough. Sex slows down after marriage and especially after kids. If it isn't working now you can forget about it later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maxamber Posted January 4, 2019 Share Posted January 4, 2019 I am afraid of getting marriage now, I don't want my love to end because of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisies93 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 Before Iv'e got married at my 22 year old, my fiance and I were very much in love, we were doing everything together and felt like we'd never get tired of each other, he had passion for life with me, living me basically and so did I! but as soon as we got married, it felt like he lost interest in doing things with me I mean by (going out, or just even watching tv with me) he reached the goal of having wife and completely left me and the only contact he had with me is having sex, when I absolutely lost interest in having sex because he never was romantic anymore, he never said sorry when he was wrong, he never was sweet anymore and felt like all he was needing is having sex with me, it hurt me a lot since for me it was a huge step moving on a new life with him and after all it's all he wanted from me, but nothing else about me was interesting for him. In this case I wanted attention, warming words, feeling beloved and important before I wanted to have physical passion with him because from that it should grow! and from him all he wanted is to 'finish' and just do his stuff and absolutely forgetting about my existence. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 I don't want to sound terrible, but are you sure of his sexual orientation? You're positive he just feels self-conscious and it's not something more? This sounds like an unconventional situation and I agree with the others that if you aren't able to resolve it before walking down the aisle, you'll come to resent it and it will only get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
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