Parents want me to break it off with fiance

[lululun]

Been trying to hold this in but I feel like I'm going to explode! My fiance can't have children, I've know for a while and I'm okay with having kids or not. I still don't love him less and I've stuck by him this long because he's honestly the whole package! After the awkwardly dodging the topics of kids. We finally came clean and told my parents. My parents were.... not happy but I did not know the extent until they expressed they wanted grandchildren and even went as far to say "maybe he's not right for you after all". Rightfully so I was very mad!! I told them it's not a big deal and I'm okay with adopting if we decide we wanted kids in our life (there's lots of kids that need loving in the world!). Honestly it's hard to argue with them because they are stuck in their old fashioned ways. I've given them many valuable rebuttals like "my older brother has 2 kids", "we can adopt", "plus I never really wanted kids", "it's not his fault", and most importantly "the wedding is happening whether you support us or not". I told them I'd rather them not show up to the wedding if they don't support us (hubby said I went too far saying that to them.. but I was so frustrated!).

 

They didn't say much and we haven't spoken since that explosion. They did say "people will talk especially other family, what are we suppose to tell them?" and I said "if they have questions they can ask us or mind their own business!"

 

What should I do? Like I said, I love my fiance and prior to all of this my parents welcomed him in family, and I want my parents to support us. Maybe it's the anger talking but I don't want them there knowing they are silently judging him...

[Mr. Lucky]

Like I said, I love my fiance and prior to all of this my parents welcomed him in family, and I want my parents to support us.

 

And I want world peace and justice for all. I don't think either of us will be completely fulfilled in the immediate future.

 

lululun, you only get to be in charge of you and your feelings. Just as you've said your parents can't change your mind, you won't change theirs - at least not now. Plan your wedding but understand your parents may not contribute financially. Continue on your chosen path to marriage and your own vision of family.

 

I can almost guarantee, in time your folks will come around. They're just being meddlesome, stubborn and fixed in the beliefs, a parental specialty. Live your life, be happy and they'll eventually fall in line.

 

Congrats on your engagement!

 

Mr. Lucky

[lululun]

Ack... that's a hard pill to swallow. I guess you are right. It just doesn't sit well.

 

As for marriage wise, thank goodness everything was funded out of mine and the hubby's wallet. So feel less baggage in that sense. I don't mind non-immediate family judging us...But my parents to feel that stings...

 

Would the best way to go about it pretend we never bad the conversation and let them approach us (the hubby's idea), or give them time and revisit it in the (far) future (my idea)?

[amaysngrace]

You sound like you’re going to be a very loving wife to him. I’m sorry they’re putting their own feelings before yours. Have they always been that way?

 

As a parent you should want your children to be happy. What if you were gay? Or didn’t want kids? Doesn’t what you want matter to them?

 

I’d let it go until they bring it up because then you’ll know they’re ready to talk about it, if they ever get there at all.

 

Your parents are being extremely selfish and what you said to them is completely understandable. I’d feel the same way too.

[d0nnivain]

There are lots of ways to have grandkids including IVF, surrogacy & adoption. Tell your parents they are being mean then stick to your guns.

[Cersei]

As sorry to hear they have those feelings. If your fiance was a bad guy I would have given their words some thought. But this is not acceptable.

 

You love him and if he is a great guy all the best for a happy, healthy life together.

 

Your folks will likely come around in the end. But carry on your merry way for now.

[ChatroomHero]

Yeah, I'd pretty much say, "So dad, you married mom only because she was fertile? And mom, you only married dad because you knew ahead of time that he was able to get you pregnant?"

 

 

As far as the "people will talk" line, my question would have been which people and what would they say about my kids if I had them versus if I didn't?

 

 

Basically discuss it with them and force them to clarify their position...you will only ever get back to, "I don't know but...". Point out if they can clarify their argument with solid reasons and not how they feel at a certain moment, then you can consider it. They won't be able to.

 

 

When someone is being unreasonable like that, I find the best way to get them past their thinking is to really challenge them to define what they are saying.

Like:

1. Name a specific person that would talk poorly of you not having a kid. 2. What would they say.

3. How would it affect your life or anything you do if that person did say that.

4. Since it doesn't affect your life, what would the problem be.

or

What would Christmas morning be like if you had adopted kids vs. no kids vs. biological kids.

 

 

Usually when you challenge someone on a position they cannot support, they will have to resolve that they were wrong to begin with and if they are adult, will know and have to concede they were wrong.

[Els]

 

Would the best way to go about it pretend we never bad the conversation and let them approach us (the hubby's idea), or give them time and revisit it in the (far) future (my idea)?

 

 

I would definitely go with your hubby's idea.

 

To be honest I don't see how this is something that you even needed to "come clean" or talk to them about - your fiance's sperm count is not really any of their business. Sure, if they are generally reasonable people and give great advice and you have that sort of mutually understanding relationship with them... by all means. But surely you must have already known how they might have reacted, given that you don't sound terribly surprised by their reaction. Why would you share such private information with them in the first place?

 

 

Unfortunately now that you've broached the topic and at such a sensitive time (just before the wedding), you're just going to have to practice enacting good boundaries without being inflammatory. Be courteous to them, invite them to your wedding, pretend nothing happened. If they want to act like *******s just because they don't agree with a decision which is entirely up to your fiance and you... that's their prerogative.

 

 

Just be sure that not having biological kids is something that YOU are 100% okay with, and you're set. You and your fiance are literally the only people on the planet whose opinion matters about this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Would the best way to go about it pretend we never bad the conversation and let them approach us (the hubby's idea)

 

Fiance makes sense. They know, and you know they know, and they know you know they know...

 

In other words, nothing left to discuss. Let them work it out, in time they'll come around. Once you have a child, won't matter if you bought it on Ebay. They'll want to be involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lululun]

@elswyth: it wasn't just my idea, it was the hubby's idea too. His reasoning was he felt bad for having to dodge the questions and the pestering will get just get worse. He's not the guy to lie about things. But thank you for your perspective. I'm the more stubborn one (hah! as you can see from the parents) I wanted to keep dodging it for as long as possible but the way he explained it hit me in the guilt box.

@chatroomhero : I like this approach too. It makes sense... I agree, what other say won't make a difference in mine and hub's life. And for that, it shouldn't bother my parents. But it's this "family honour" and "show face" mentality.

@Mr.Lucky : lol buying kids off ebay hehe I prefer amazon since I have prime .

 

Thanks y'all! I feel a lot better. Probably the bride-zilla nerves. We probably picked a bad time to drop the ball, now I know... But family is family... even if they are being selfish hot heads, and to hell I'm leaving my fiance (you'll need the jaws of life and 7 firemen to separate me from him HAHA)!

[Els]

@elswyth: it wasn't just my idea, it was the hubby's idea too. His reasoning was he felt bad for having to dodge the questions and the pestering will get just get worse. He's not the guy to lie about things. But thank you for your perspective. I'm the more stubborn one (hah! as you can see from the parents) I wanted to keep dodging it for as long as possible but the way he explained it hit me in the guilt box.

 

 

Ah, okay. Im just kind of a stickler for enforcing boundaries, especially with people who clearly have no idea what "boundaries" mean, I guess. Don't you think it's rather excessive that your parents are pestering you so much about kids, especially when you haven't even gotten married? And I thought MY parents were bad for dropping hints a mere month after we got married! (Umm, are you Asian too by any chance? )

 

 

You don't have to "lie" to them per se. That doesn't mean that you have to tell them everything and justify everything to them, either. Don't waste your time arguing with them. Just smile and say "we'll see". Once you start to enforce boundaries regularly (in a polite and civil manner), they are much more likely to stop feeling entitled to controlling your life.

[preraph]

Look, your parents had their lives to live as they chose. They don't get to tell you how to live yours too. This is your life. There is nothing wrong and plenty right about not having kids. As you said, if you got the urge later, you could always adopt. Two of my friends adopted and I promise they love them the same. Your mother is just wanting you to live your life how she lived hers. No one is entitled to grandkids, but she's already got them. For Christ's sake, if she wants more kids, SHE can adopt one! You stick to your guns. If your man not only can't have kids but doesn't want them and you don't want them, then conversation closed. If he wants them but can't have them and you think you can drop everything and raise an adopted child, you'll certainly be doing that child a favor.

[Simple Logic]

Been trying to hold this in but I feel like I'm going to explode! My fiance can't have children, I've know for a while and I'm okay with having kids or not. I still don't love him less and I've stuck by him this long because he's honestly the whole package! After the awkwardly dodging the topics of kids. We finally came clean and told my parents. My parents were.... not happy but I did not know the extent until they expressed they wanted grandchildren and even went as far to say "maybe he's not right for you after all". Rightfully so I was very mad!! I told them it's not a big deal and I'm okay with adopting if we decide we wanted kids in our life (there's lots of kids that need loving in the world!). Honestly it's hard to argue with them because they are stuck in their old fashioned ways. I've given them many valuable rebuttals like "my older brother has 2 kids", "we can adopt", "plus I never really wanted kids", "it's not his fault", and most importantly "the wedding is happening whether you support us or not". I told them I'd rather them not show up to the wedding if they don't support us (hubby said I went too far saying that to them.. but I was so frustrated!).

 

They didn't say much and we haven't spoken since that explosion. They did say "people will talk especially other family, what are we suppose to tell them?" and I said "if they have questions they can ask us or mind their own business!"

 

What should I do? Like I said, I love my fiance and prior to all of this my parents welcomed him in family, and I want my parents to support us. Maybe it's the anger talking but I don't want them there knowing they are silently judging him...

 

And if you decide to later have children via artificial insemination that is bad because?

[lululun]

Ah we haven't thought of that. Good point maybe we should have brought that up... ugh oh well. Maybe it fueled their frustration that we put more emphasis on not really wanting children. Or it's just the stigma or ignorance with infertility. They are the super traditional asian parents by the way... or at least ignorant ones that sadly think if you can't have children then why are you together type of deal...

But like with everyone said. There are options and it's not up to me to convince my parents and it's none of their business what we decide what we wanna do.

[preraph]

Well, they never want to hear you don't want children, because they themselves had children and take it as an insult that you don't want to be just like them to validate their choices. I'm sure there's plenty of people from their generation who had them because of pressure and didn't really want to, so they think you should make the sacrifice too.