I'm stuck between two exes who love me

[GTG]

Hello everyone. This is my first post here, but I have been having a lot of trouble lately and need some advice.

 

This whole story is quite long as it has taken place over the last 2+ years. I guess I will start with the two people in my life that mean the most to me; my ex-boyfriends. I will call them Michael and Mark for this.

 

 

2011-2015

 

Michael is my high school sweetheart. We first met when we were 15, and while we got along and were friends we were never particularly close. In our victory lap in high school (I was 18, he was 17)he asked me out for dinner. Now Michael was always a very flirty guy, very smooth with the pick-up lines. He did this with any woman, classmates, teachers, old ladies. So I did not take him seriously, as he asked another girl recently out for coffee.

 

A few days later after getting turned down by a guy, I thought instead of moping around, why don't I take my friend up on that offer? The rest is history. We started dating not long after that. It was a little rough, as he had never been in a serious relationship before and I was very needy and in need of validation. But we got along so well. He was my first for a lot of things, and four months into our relationship I told him "I love you." It was the first time I felt like I truly meant it and I couldn't hold it in anymore. It made us both cry. Our life together was blissful until I had to move away for college 2 1/2 hours away. Not incredibly far, but far enough to make things harder. The first month was fine, I would drive up every weekend to see him and we called every night. I set my profile picture to one of us and made it clear to everyone in my class that I was indeed taken.

 

 

 

2016

 

Enter Mark. He was smart, handsome, talented, 5 years older than me, easy to get along with, and we had a lot of common interests. We ended up having the same group of friends and hanging out a lot because of this. And out of our group of friends, we got along the best. He would help me with my homework, cook meals for both of us, let me confide in him. I got progressively more and more attached, and over the month of October, I was having a hard time seeing my life without him. I wasn't sure what to do. I had never lived alone before, in the biggest city in the country, and he was a brand new international student. We relied on each other to not feel alone. But I made it clear to him from the beginning that I was not looking for a relationship as I was already in one and loved that person. However, things continued to get worse. Mark told me that he loved me, too much, and was not willing to be friends with me unless I was single. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me since so much of our lives had become intermingled. All of our classes were together and we shared the same friends, it was almost impossible to avoid each other. When I would go to visit my boyfriend it would distress Mark greatly. He started smoking again and hurting himself. I was scared of being alone in the city, and of Mark being alone in a foreign country or getting hurt. I also was attracted to Mark and was worried that I might destroy my relationship as well.

 

 

 

One day, on Halloween I believe, my friends were hosting a party. Mark was there too. He ended up drinking too much, and I am a lightweight so after three drinks I was sitting in a corner with him crying about how I was sorry we couldn't be more than friends, and that I still cared about him a lot and I didn't want to lose him since we were all each other had. We were both miserable.

 

Long story short, Mark kissed me and left. I didn't return the kiss but it still happened. And I felt terrible. I called my boyfriend soon after and broke up with him out of guilt and uncertainty. I thought it would make living in the city better.

 

 

 

2017

 

I will try to keep this brief. The next half a year I am seeing Mark, kinda. I was in a very dark place, hurting myself, smoking, suicidal thoughts, dissociative episodes. I've never been diagnosed but it's been suspected by a few people that I may have BPD. Mark was not in a much better spot, but he was happy because we were at least together in a way, even if it was mainly physical. I refused to have sex with him because, in a strange way, I was still hoping to get back with Michael once school was over. I still visited Michael sometimes, maybe once or twice a month. We knew we weren't together, but we cared about each other still. I know I shouldn't have, I acknowledge I was weak and greedy.

 

 

 

Mark always talked about taking me to visit his country. I initially refused, but after a while, I start to really long for it as I've never traveled before. I tell Michael this. He is, understandably, upset. I tell Mark "No" to traveling with him that summer. On my 20th birthday, Michael texts me that he hates me. I have always had issues with self-worth and feeling loved, so this broke me in a way. I felt empty and started to really consider ending my life, so why not have sex right? A few weeks later Michael messaged me. He apologizes. But I feel like too much has happened, so I distance myself. Even when school ended, I only saw him once to say goodbye when I was moving away from our hometown for good.

 

 

 

After a few months, I've settled with Mark more. I still have issues with him touching me, I am depressed and hate myself on occasion with feelings of guilt, but we are starting to feel like a couple. The second year of school starts. Mark is a great person, he would do anything for me. He tries to make me happy. But my heart is still torn. I care about Mark deeply, but it does not stop me feeling lonely.

 

 

 

During the summer we have a great time though. I don't think about Michael as much and I am feeling happy.

 

 

 

School begins, Michael tells me he is going to college an hour away by transit. He wants to meet. I tell him I don't want to. I don't say I am seeing someone, but I was telling myself "he's been your ex for a year, you don't need to tell him who you are seeing" which friends echoed to me. But I should have. I see Michael one other time that year because he won't let it go, where we meet at a McDonalds and talk. It feels like nothing has changed between us, and it hurts and distresses me so much I develop a migraine and have to leave. I don't want to be unfaithful to Mark so I do not contact Michael again.

 

 

 

2018

 

I end up going to Mark's country with him for Christmas. It was amazing, I loved being with him and his family and experiencing another culture. We come back and I am happy. I am not talking to Michael. We don't talk for months. Occasionally, we start sending memes but nothing serious. We used to be friends, it felt friendly. One day he says something spiteful out of the blue, which I can understand but it had been almost two years and I was trying to feel better about myself so I do not respond to this. He blocks me, we stop talking again, and I am sure it is over now right? Even if I thought about him every day.

 

 

Mark and I continue living our lives as a couple. We have more friends that we get along with, we go out for dinner regularly and my mom loves him, says he will take us both with him to visit his home country in 2019. He encourages me to do things and pushes me when I don't. He is good for me, and I make him happy, and I will always be thankful for having him in my life. But always like a little whisper at the back of my mind, I feel like something is missing.

 

 

 

Then October comes. Michael messages me, wanting to know how I have been. I try to keep things brief, but eventually, it comes to light that he is moving away to Australia come January. I am shocked, and scared. It is different knowing someone is living hours away from you and not talking to them, than a 15-hour flight. He invited me to a band we both enjoy which I had turned him down previously last year, and I go this time because I think this may be the last we see each other. I tell Mark all of this, I have always tried to be open with him. He is not thrilled but trusts me. And so I meet Michael. We enjoy the time together in a friendly way, basically talking about the weather. It has been nearly a year since we last saw each other and yet we feel so familiar. I am quite guarded, but he's always been able to make me laugh. In the end he is insulted that I would not let him drive me home, but I am afraid to be alone with him.

 

 

I try not talking to Michael but all of my buried feelings well up at the thought of never seeing him again and, little by little, we are texting, talking on the phone once a month.

 

 

 

Skip to now. I have broken up with Mark part because it is unfair to date him and have feelings for another person, and also because I relied on him too much and was not sure who I was without him and wanted to find myself to become better. In the process I hoped I could treat him better in the future. Mentally I have improved.

 

 

 

I have seen Michael 1 other time, platonic no touching. I visited his family because I missed them, his dogs, and the hometown I'd been avoiding. He wants us to get closer but I tell him I've ended a serious relationship only weeks ago and it does not feel right. Also, he is leaving and I don't want to make things harder. Then I saw him yesterday, hoping it will be the last time so I can sort out my life without him. I asked him what does he want from me?

He wants me to go with him to Australia in March. I don't really have an interest in visiting that country as of now, or the funds, and would really only go for him. I'm not sure I am ready to leave so soon.

 

 

 

Should I pursue him? Should I tell him no, even though I love him, and focus on myself? Before seeing him yesterday I was hoping to be alone to improve myself so I could try to love Mark the way he deserves since he is a great man and I want to be in love him. If I were to want children I think of Mark, but that is at least 5 years away for me. Again I am 21, Mark is 26, and Michael is 20. Mark is focusing on a career and setting roots as he has already traveled extensively earlier in his life, while I plan on moving abroad in 2020 to travel once I am 23 either way.

 

 

 

Should I risk it all to travel abroad for love that has felt consistent, if buried ocassionally, for the last 3 years? Should I say goodbye and work on myself, maybe get back with Mark and try my hardest to make things work yet likely never have the chance to be with Michael again, and possibly regret it? What do you guys think?

 

 

 

Sorry if this is too long, I couldn't find guidelines on how long things like this should be

[PRW]

Date both of them with a little personal distance between you and each of them. In otherwords,...NOT BF/GF with either.

 

Don't hide the fact that you are doing it,...while at the same time don't bring it up directly and don't rub their faces in it.

 

Wait and see which one screws up,...and go with the other one.

[nolanola]

It sounds like you are really conflicted. I think you should date no one for the time being and try to figure out what you want. Both of these men have played a huge part in your life in the past several years and it's really scary to let them go. But you need to decide what is best for you. If you can be by yourself for a while and give yourself some time of not feeling guilty by being with one guy while thinking of the other, you can get a clearer picture of how you feel.

 

I suspect neither of these situations is right for you, but that it's hard to let go of the past and people you still care about. What are you working on in your life for yourself? Are you in school or working towards goals? Your life has been wrapped up in these two guys for years. What about you?

[Giraffe-A]

You sound just like my friend in high school. I feel that if you were to move to a new city or country, you will latch on to a third person and have feelings for all three. There's dependency issues there and it seems like guilt kept you with Mark. You told him you had a serious relationship back home. Instead of honoring that, he fussed and tried to hurt himself. That's not normal.

But I feel you are have the same emotional need as Mark. I bet if you moved back to where Michael is, he would not entertain your needs long which will lead you to think about Mark.

I don't know Michael, but I'm already his fan. I would let Michael go have a healthy life and enjoy the wonders of Australia.