Girlfriend’s complete fallout against me?!!?

[PersonFromLeeds]

Warning: long story with lots of detail

 

First of all I’d like to give some backstory. My name is Mara, I’m 17, I live in the Netherlands and am in my second to last year of Highschool. I come from a well to do family and I’ve travelled all over the world, however I’m not close to my family at all, this will come in handy later in the story.

 

Somewhere around May this year my ex girlfriend broke up with me (we were together for 8 months) let’s call her Robin, for privacy reasons. Now robin and I broke up because our relationship was plainly dysfunctional. First of all it was long distance, she lives in America and we did have plans to meet in the summer (2 months from now) but we had broken up. The reason? I was a straight up bad girlfriend. I would push her away and be mean and just an overall bad partner, she gave me many chances and even when I tried to change it didn’t work so she left me for good. Or so I thought.

 

2-3 months later this girl from my class and I, I’ll name her by her real name, Liz and I became close. I hadn’t talked to her all year long. She would recommend music to me, which I never listened to and just smiled and nodded when she asked about it and she would stare at me during chemistry or biology and I would stare back, but we never really talked, even though I sat next to her during German class, we would just ignore each other, it wasn’t that we disliked each other but sometimes you just don’t click?

Until one day, one of the last german classes of the year I had forgotten my earbuds, and she offered to listen along with her. I accepted because I saw no reason not to, even though she was someone I never talked to. She put on Fluorescent Adolescent. Now, I knew this song, but I didn’t tell her. She seemed so happy sharing this ‘new’ music with me that she was smiling. It didn’t take a genius to see that she had been quite a bit sad over the last few weeks, so I played along stupidly so she would smile. It worked.

 

That’s when our friendship began, she added me on Snapchat a few weeks later. Now I would always send streaks with a song on the background, because I listen to a lot of music, and she went completely mental one day. That evening we texted till 1-2 am, excitedly sharing music with each other, having a great time together. She said she had never felt that excited in her life, being very jittery even having heart palpitations at one point. Now, summer break was nearing in, and we had a weird friendship. We were never really friends, there was always a flirty undertone. She would call me handsome, I’d call her beautiful. We’d be very flirty in the songs we sent to each other, some injokes etc.

One day I went out with her and a friend to a cafe, to get some lunch, that’s when I learnt she had a boyfriend, for about half a year. I wasn’t bothered by it, and we even did a prank on him with the three of us. However, me and that friend didn’t like her boyfriend because that boyfriend, lets call him Chad, had been an ******* to me throughout the year, because I’m gay or whatever, I don’t know, he’s just an *******. He would also be a dick to my other friend, Ron. But we never really voiced it.

 

So summer began, over the following weeks we admitted to each other that we really liked one another. We had many injokes, lots of fun, nick names for each other, she was just practically a lover-ish person in my life. She called me drunk saying that she wanted me by her side, to do some explicit things, and the basic romantic stuff. That she felt right with me etc. That made me happy, but the elephant in the room, Chad, didn’t make things easier. We set up a date to talk about everything, that’s when she told me that she didn’t like me, and that I should let it all go etc etc. That evening when I come home I broke down crying, did I really just get played by the gay cliché? (Straight Girl likes you for 2 weeks and then drops you for her boyfriend cliché).

 

I left for Greece, I decided to shake this off me and to have a good summer. She then reached out to me, apologising and then pretending that nothing happened. I still liked her so I decided to give it a chance. By this time I was incredibly frustrated that she was still dragging that guy Chad (AND ME) around and eating her cake and having it. So I would just express my disapproval of him, saying that he isn’t good. From the things Ron had told me he would speak ill of her behind her back, stand her up, be emotionally not there for her. And from what she had told me, drunk and not drunk, he was a bit rapey and just not a great guy overall, not meeting her needs so to say, emotionally and physically.

So I was like HELLO IM CLEARLY THE BETTER CHOICE HERE?!?! but I kept it to snide remarks and sighs when she would start about him. Towards the end of my stay in Greece she called me to tell me how she felt about me, she told me she missed me terribly, that she really liked me, that she fantasised of me sensually and all the good stuff, BUT that she was going on holiday with Chad to France. That’s when something in me snapped, I told her to get her **** together and I unadded her everywhere.

 

Fast forward a few weeks and I’m going to Rome for a week, for my birthday. She reached out to me before I went, apologising and saying she liked me etc, I forgave her and we talked. Then 2 days before my birthday she sends me a long ass text saying that she needs to get over me bla bla bla. I told her okay whatever go ahead. Then on my birthday she sends me a text at midnight saying ‘Happy birthday x’ now I mocked her for the kiss at the end, calling her miss moving on with doubts. We laughed and she said that it was hard. She gave up her whole moving on Spiel a few days later and we went back to talking and flirting.

 

When I was back in the Netherlands, and she was too. We were inseparable. We hung out every single day we could, holding hands, cuddling, going out on dates. On our very first date she grabbed me by the shoulders and said she really liked me, like actually, and if her boyfriend wasn’t okay with it that she would just leave him (which in hindsight is a very weird way to put it but okay), she wanted me to kiss her after our first date, only I couldn’t, she still had a boyfriend and I have never been so god nervous to kiss a girl, I know I’m good with women, but for some reason I froze with her.

She made jokes about hanging out with me, calling it her ‘cheat day’ ,haha how funny Liz :/. School started and we hung out more, but she said that she also needed to spend time with Chad, to see if it was really over for her and him. I was very hurt but you know what, you guessed it, i said whatever. The reason I kept letting it happen is because I really didn’t care too much, there were lots of other girls that liked me at the time, didn’t work out with Liz? Thank u, next. Right?

 

Now major plottwist! Out of nowhere, Robin comes back. Saying that she has worked on herself and seen me work on myself (I became a much happier person over summer, really working out my flaws and fixing my behaviour of pushing people away) and that she loved me. Now we were nearly together for a year, so those feelings didn’t really fade. I told her I couldn’t date her, that I didn’t want to. That I wanted to be alone and explore and just live. We made an agreement that as long as we still loved each other and saw a future together, that we would sort of linger around for one another as soon as we were ready. We could do whatever we wanted, whatever fling and what not, as long as we still loved each other, she also explicitly told me to keep whatever fling I may or may not be having to myself, as she didn’t want to know. I agreed and we moved forwards.

 

Now mid-September Liz broke up with Chad, she was sad for a week or so and then we got closer and closer, hung out nearly every day. We go to the same school so between classes and during lunch we would RUN to our meet up spot and hug and kiss (we had had our first kiss by then). We would go out so much, I met her parents and siblings, they loved me. After a few weeks of being together her dad even spoke privately to me, saying how happy he is that she is with me, that I take good care of her and that she’s visibly a lot happier. We got very close, went to a ballet recital together where only old fancy people go, but we got tickets somehow. We made plans that we were going on holiday to Germany or to England (a town where she’s originally from somewhere in Wales) to meet her family, or just Germany for fun. We were more inseparable than ever, i was there for her when she cried, she was there for me when I was stressed, i visited her when she was ill, I helped her with maths. Everything was perfect, I remember bursting out in tears one evening when she was making us pasta in her kitchen, I was looking out her kitchen window to the forest and just realised how god damned perfect everything was, I had genuinely never been so happy. We were really serious, had future plans, we even had a hypothetical child together (one that we had bantered about before because she had a bloated stomach from food and I said hey you’re pregnant with our child) that we went and looked at baby clothes and just cried together. I think that’s when I realised I was falling in love with her, I wanted her till we grew old. It stopped being just a girl who I was casually dating to someone I grew deeper feelings for. She had almost slipped an I love you by then. (We’re in beginning October)

 

Now, around this time Robin fell back in her bulimia and depression, calling me and saying that the thought of us together was the only thing that helped her. Her friends had left her, family was being ****ty, her therapist didn’t help much. She just didn’t want to live anymore. Now, I never lied to her. I still loved her, and still saw a future with her. It just became more unlikely the more I was together with Liz. She had even asked me on multiple occasions if Liz and I were more than friends. I wasn’t dating her, she was still just a friend, besides Robin had told me explicitly that she didn’t want to know. So I told her no. I knew time was running out that I needed to tell her that I was falling for her, but I technically wasn’t in a relationship with either of them, and I didn’t break any rules that Robin and I had set up. Besides, the one and only reason why I didn’t tell her was because it would break her, she said that it was her all, if someone you know isn’t okay, someone who has had suicide attempts tells you that you’re they’re all and that nothing else is stopping them from giving up recovery you can’t just be like: well i love someone else, bye. I was standing in front of an ethical dilemma, so I decided to keep this all to myself and suffer in silence.

A few weeks later she said everything was going better, that she felt great, that she was almost there. Awesome, I thought to myself, so when she feels great and recovered I’ll tell her, that way she can’t be completely shaken and fall back into her depression. That way I don’t completely break her and she will have ground to stand on after this. As a side note, it was never a secret that I still loved my ex, all my friends knew, and if she would’ve asked me, I would’ve told her.

 

Towards the end of October Liz and I were closer than ever. You could genuinely see that we were going to stick around for a long time. But there were some points of friction, she asked me why I never took her home to my place, I had a hard time explaining that I disliked my family, even my parents, and that I didn’t want them to see or influence the person that makes me so happy. She also said that the fact that we weren’t giving it a label, our relationship, gave her a bad feeling, like it took away the value of us. I had a hard time explaining that I was working through ****, especially with my ex, but that it would all come soon.

 

Now November second, the day our year layer went to another city for a stupid art project she was being cold and distant the entire day, she said not to take it personal, but it hurt. In the bus back home I told her it hurt me, but that I would give her space and I switched seats. Once we all got home I checked my phone and see a text from Liz. Stating that i can’t place myself in her shoes, that i walk all over her and that I’m playing with her head and that she’s done with me. My first reaction? Panic. I cried, and screamed as I stood in the darkness outside. I pulled myself together and sent her a very diplomatic text saying that I respect her decision. The next few texts exchanged are me asking to talk this out and have clarity, all she said is that she would love to be friends in the future and that she needs time and space to get over me. Now, this is a complete 180 on me, literally 2 days ago she was all over me at a Halloween party we had hosted together, I had to cover up multiple hickeys and she just was so happy with me??

 

Anyway, here’s where the **** begins. I left her alone for a week. During that week she ignored me, eventhough she did give me free food she bought when she overheard I was hungry, so she did throw a few crumbs here and there. And that weekend on Saturday Robin reached out to a friend of mine, to tell her that I’m acting strange, now, the whole stupid coincidence is that that evening Liz was staying at that friends, let’s call her Madison, house. She overhead everything and told them about our relationship. Robin, Liz and Madison got extremely angry, Robin and Liz exchanged screenshots, coming to the conclusion that I was cheating on them with each other and that I’m a horrible cheating, manipulative person. On Sunday I text Liz, after a week of silence, asking her some random bulls hit about history, really I just wanted to check up on her because I had seen her be really sad in our big friend group chat. The conversation shifted to us, to her being uncomfortable with talking to me. She started saying all these things and I said yes well you always do this, push me away when things are hard, I did that too bla bla bla, she basically got very angry that I said she hurt me and I panicked and I told her I loved her. She then took an hour offline and replied that it was very brave of me to say, but that it was unfair given that she had asked for time and space, that she felt like it was better to not get involved again. But that she did feel the same, about me. She proposed that we’d talk one last time, setting things straight and then would leave each other to heal. We had that talk on Monday (take note I didn’t know Liz and Robin had teamed up against me) and basically she said that I had made her so god unhappy, that she was extremely unhappy with me and that she didn’t want me to change and that I just needed to leave her alone. She repeatedly said that. I asked her what made her so unhappy, to show her receipts, but she just couldn’t think of ****, so she said stuff like, yeah you would lean in for a kiss and then you would laugh and walk away, that stuff adds up, like what???? But sure, whatever Liz. I asked her if she loved, cared for and missed me. To all three she said yes, then I said isn’t it silly what we’re doing then?? I understand she has a lot of **** in her life right now, her parents are divorcing, but I helped her mother in her new apartment the first she was there, her parents loved me so much it was silly. She just walked away, that evening I fell asleep at 7 because I was emotionally exhausted. I wake up to like 10 texts of her, saying that I need to leave her the **** alone and that she knows that I’m playing games with her, that she doesn’t need my lies and false promises and what not, then one last text 40 minutes later saying that I’m playing her like a pawn and that she isn’t here for it and that I can go and talk **** about her, as long as I leave her alone. I’m confused as hell.

 

On Wednesday Robin reaches out to my mum, but my mother says to contact me. Then robins calls me and explains the entire situation. Saying her and Liz were writing a letter to my mother to explain how horrible I am etc. Then we get talking and she says that Liz is very pissed off at me, that she said that she’ll make my life a living hell, make sure I never get a girlfriend and that she’ll expose me to the entire school. I talk to Robin and quickly figure out that Liz fired her up against me, I explain her my side and Robin quickly calms down and apologises, she felt gaslighted by Liz and said that liz was using the trauma that happened to her, as if I did that to Liz and that she was basically just doing everything to demonise me. But then she does text a friend that she missed a day of school because she misses me so god much and that the pain of losing me is so bad, but that she just can’t be with me, because she was so miserable. Still think that’s a ****ing lie, I did so much for her, she was ALWAYS happy. She left for Ireland for a week and was crying because I didn’t join her. We’re talking about a girl, we were so close that we would legitimately be upset and tear up when I had to go home in the evening.

 

Now, I am a bit sceptical, so I just waited, in the mean time Robin texts Liz that she doesn’t want to be involved in the situation anymore, cuts contact with me and her and just leaves. In the mean time I’m failing school, unable to concentrate and all of that, i also see her being destroyed. She’s still ignoring me entire existence but she’s not neutral anymore. She’s hostile. Turns out in the past few weeks she has been setting up my friends against me, as we have the same friend group, and they texted the older sister of a new friend I made, Hilde, to basically tell her older sister that I play people and break them. From what I understood from the friend that was there (that’s on my side) another friend texted her and Liz just watched and smiled when her sister stated she disapproved of me. Another friend also went up to Hilde to ask if she was gay, and that it’s good that she isn’t because if not I would break her. I was at a concert a few days ago with Hilde and a friend and suddenly everyone is so weird to me in the groupchat, when I’m back I seen 100 messages in the group, each and every single one of them is attaching me about that I’m a horrible person, about that im crazy, that i abused Liz. So I made a few statements defending myself. Then they said I set up Liz against chad, and that I’m horrible and played them. So I defended myself saying Liz would call me drunk etc. My last statement was that I was so incredibly done with it all, and that I was disappointed, especially in Liz, that it wasn’t love what I was seeing, but hatred. A few hours later at 2 am I come home from the concert and I see that most people attaching me, including Liz, had left the group (Liz hadn’t said anything). Back to her previous statement. She is making my life a living hell, spreading lies about me, slander, I mean they do have some roots in the truth but never did I set up Liz against chad, I might’ve repeatedly told her how he wasn’t **** but that was only snide remarks. Only once do I recall actually getting upset at Liz that she would let herself get treated that way. She even sent me a long ass text in September saying how much happier she is with me. And that she can’t quite believe she let him treat her like that. One thing I forgot to say, I was supposed to go to that concert with Liz and another friend. When we had our talk on Monday, Tuesday Liz told that friend that she didn’t want to go anymore and that we could do whatever we wanted with that ticket, and the weekend before the concert she started bitching about the ticket, using the friend that is going too as a messenger between us. He wasn’t comfortable and told her that if she wanted it back that she would have to talk to me. She said “no way I’m going down that road, it’s lost money then I guess.” Like she’s the victim here, I payed her back that Thursday, the day of the concert. I looked her in the eyes and told her that I had already given it away to Hilde but here’s your money because its fair bla bla. She looked so coldly at me, almost with hatred.

 

Now I’m completely destroyed, I don’t have my friends, only like 2. Everyone in school believes her, literally everyone hates me, she’s still avoiding me like the plague. I haven’t talked to her since I gave her the money back for the concert tickets. But she reached out to my new friend, I am so scared that she’s trying to ruin that relationship for me too, just like it almost indirectly happened with a Hilde. She sent him a 6 minute voice note basically saying that she broke up with me because I never gave her clarity or made it official with her (I call bs because that doesn’t add up with her original allegations, and everyone could see that I was head over heels in love with her), that I pressured her into breaking up with Chad, that I had strung her and Robin along and then basically so much more shade. She also said she didn’t tell that friend to text Hilde’s sister but I mean, she was watching, she also didn’t stop it. And it happened because of her propagating hate against me.

 

We made a deal when we were ‘together’ that we would communicate whenever something was wrong and she did communicate it but I didn’t know it was so serious. Now, that I know a month and a week later why she ****ing broke up with me, which still doesn’t make sense she claimed to love me 3 weeks ago so why would you do this, i feel slightly better. She doesn’t know my side and I don’t know how many lies and half truths my ex and her told each other in anger, because my ex felt betrayed and is severely pissed off at me. I guess from her way of things she things she sees are her truth. But I never strung along anyone, I was trying to protect my ex and she’s literally blaming me of something she did. I also don’t know why she feels the need to shade me, or from her perspective tell everyone about our breakup. They have nothing to do with it, and it only damaged relationships with people I’ve known for 3 years now, they’re not my friends anymore, they betrayed me and called me insane and malicious. I don’t know why she would do that all, does she have NPD?? Who knows.

 

In conclusion, I still love her, tremendously, I am willing to forgive her. I want to start anew with her. A fresh relationship with love and no ****. Even though she made it clear through her discarding me that she doesn’t want me. But I can give her what she wants, we were extremely happy together. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I shouldn’t pursue, I really want this. I know there’s other fish in the sea, I know I’ll love someone else, I know I’ll get over this. But I want her, a fair shot with her. Please help, I don’t know why she’s so bitter and ****. I know she loves me, she told me so a few weeks back. I mean I know she loved me for certain. We were good, she was the happiest she ever was with me, a string of unfortunate events pulled us apart and all this **** happened. Never intended for it to go this way. We really went great together, we never argued, had a lot in common and it just felt like home, she reciprocated everything.

 

Thank you for reading this far, hopefully you can help me.

[Normm]

During that week she ignored me, eventhough she did give me free food she bought when she overheard I was hungry

 

 

She can't be giving you free food because you're hungry and ignoring you. It's one or the other.

 

 

 

I’m back I seen 100 messages in the group, each and every single one of them is attaching me about that I’m a horrible person, about that im crazy, that i abused Liz. So I made a few statements defending myself. Then they said I set up Liz against chad, and that I’m horrible and played them. So I defended myself saying Liz would call me drunk etc

 

 

 

That's a really weak comeback.

[preraph]

Well, you can't keep an ex around and expect anyone to put up with it. So that's really all you need to know. She's angry and so she told people. You should have told your ex, I have a girlfriend now I may want to keep, so I'm getting off all your social media and blocking. Hope you understand.

[basil67]

She felt that a bf/gf title was important. Did she ever express this to you?

[PersonFromLeeds]

Well, you can't keep an ex around and expect anyone to put up with it. So that's really all you need to know. She's angry and so she told people. You should have told your ex, I have a girlfriend now I may want to keep, so I'm getting off all your social media and blocking. Hope you understand.

Well, the thing was that the ex and I didn’t talk. All my ex would do is say she loves me. I wasn’t in a relationship with either of them. Yet my ex was very emotionally attached and dependant on me and that’s the only reason I still gave her hope. Of course I still had some feelings but I had chosen the girl who I was talking to. I was just waiting for the right moment to tell my ex when she wasn’t too sad about other things. It was clear that I was in love with the new girl. I spent every day with her. We did great things together and now I hope we could just talk things out and go back to cuddling. I do not know what to do to get it back. I’ll do anything.. have any advice on that?

[PersonFromLeeds]

She felt that a bf/gf title was important. Did she ever express this to you?

She expressed it once and I said that she meant the world to me, and that as soon as I was ready I would make her my girlfriend and so much more. Even though it was more than clear that I was head over heels in love with her. I just want her back man.

[preraph]

Well, the thing was that the ex and I didn’t talk. All my ex would do is say she loves me. I wasn’t in a relationship with either of them. Yet my ex was very emotionally attached and dependant on me and that’s the only reason I still gave her hope. Of course I still had some feelings but I had chosen the girl who I was talking to. I was just waiting for the right moment to tell my ex when she wasn’t too sad about other things. It was clear that I was in love with the new girl. I spent every day with her. We did great things together and now I hope we could just talk things out and go back to cuddling. I do not know what to do to get it back. I’ll do anything.. have any advice on that?

 

Is that all? You're kidding me, right? You can't seriously believe anyone would stick around and put up with that. You can't keep them both. I can't believe you're oblivious to that.

[basil67]

The only way forward is to brutally cut your ex off and ask the girl you want to be your girlfriend. Given the nonsense with your previous ex, the recent ex may not wish to try again, but it's your only option.

Edited December 12, 2018 by basil67

[PersonFromLeeds]

Is that all? You're kidding me, right? You can't seriously believe anyone would stick around and put up with that. You can't keep them both. I can't believe you're oblivious to that.

That’s the thing. I wasn’t keeping them both around. I was clearly with the new girl. My ex suddenly came back in my life after I was with the new girl for 3 months. If you want the more detailed story of this all, the one that explains it all how it went go to my profile and read the ‘unreasonable and unexplainable’ post. Because it’s all more complicated than it seems. I never meant to hurt anyone. I love her.

[Robert]

For those posting, 3 threads on the same subject have been merged into one for continuity, thanks