a cold northerner?

[starved for affection]

I have a pretty all around good boyfriend of three months. He is friendly, funny and cheerful, gets along with my friends, and spends loads of time with me; all's pretty much fine, at least on the outside. We are in our late 20s, and both of us are interested in a serious relationship.

 

I have a problem with him, however, that I've never experienced before in any of my other relationships, and I really don't know what to do. My boyfriend simply is not a touchy feely kind of person, and it's starting to annoy me. I am used to walking down the street holding hands (at least *sometimes*!), or cuddling, or at least a spontaneous smootch from time to time. I am a bit shy/reserved myself, and I feel like he doesn't want it, like he's got a wall around himself, so I don't try to pressure him into being affectionate if he doesn't want to. It's not like he pushes me away if I try, but it doesn't seem like he's comfortable with it, and he's certainly not going to do it on his own.

 

I tend to interpret this as a lack of feeling or even selfishness on his part; for instance, he loves it when I give him a back rub, but I have to practically beg him to reciprocate. He just says he's a cold northerner and that's all there is to it. We are from different countries (and we communicate in my 3rd language, which means there can be misunderstandings, too, but I'm used to that sort of thing).

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? I really find it difficult to become emotionally close to someone when I feel like we have to sit on opposite ends of the sofa, or the only time we can hold hands is after we've had a couple of pints at the local pub and we're both more relaxed. Sometimes I just want to hold hands when we are walking - or give him a kiss - but something about him makes me not do it.

 

Hm, I guess it's important to mention that he is also good looking to the point that people stare, he does do modelling and women do do some pretty weird things to him, such as mail him their underwear and phone numbers. I'm not concerned about that; it's nice that he's so good looking (and it can be a bit intimidating), but I'm more interested in him as a person - and thus far, I am content with him. I think sometimes he is just used to not having to do much to get what he needs.

 

Or maybe, of course, it's all in my head.

 

Maybe there are too many weird twists in this one for any solid advice, but I'd truly appreciate any thoughts. Thanks.

[kikie]

i just wanna tell u this:

 

some people consider affectionate stuff inappropriate in public ... eg: me ... i rlly think affection should be saved for private moments ... kissing in the street is just ICKY to me ... so maybe he thinks of it like i do ...

 

so i dont think public affection is a big deal ... now if he's inaffectionate in private - that's a diff. story ... on which other, more experienced ppl can maybe advice u ...

 

i think some people are less touchy-feely in general, but it could be a sign of smth ... i rlly dunna.

 

good luck!

[Tony T]

Some people are very open with demonstrations of affection, others are not. It usually has a lot to do with their family of origin and, in your case, perhaps his culture. Meet his family and watch them interact and you'll likely see why he is the way he is.

 

It's not likely he will change. But just because he isn't touchy feely doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.

 

However, you seem to be a person who requires more demonstration of affection than he is capable of giving, no matter what his reason is. In that case, if he's incapable of giving you what you need you have absolutely no choice but to move on and find someone more compatible with your requirements.

 

There is no good reason to be with someone who does not make you happy in important ways when there are lots who will. After all, that's the purpose of dating. I am always confounded by women who want to change men who are unchangable rather than find men who are right for them.

 

No matter what his looks are or how excited you are about him physically, the problem you have communicated here is a serious one you must deal with pretty quickly.

[starving]

Dear Tony,

 

Really, would it be normal to break up with someone only because they are not physically affectionate? I have had more than one relationship in my life, and I have been able to find flaws with all of my exes. This seems relatively minor. He's not cheating on me, he's not drinking, he doesn't try to pretend like we're "just friends" when we go out...to think of a few past concerns with others.

 

I think, really, my concern was: is it possible that he really cares about me if he isn't showing me *any* sort of affection, whether in private or in public? My insecurities are fueled by the fact that he is extremely good looking (the sort that women approach and say, "Oh my god, are you a model?" to the point where even he is annoyed). I tried to keep his looks out of it. The night I met him, in fact, it was really dark out and we just sat and talked -- I didn't realise until the next time I saw him.

 

So you know what? the point is that:

 

Super good looking boyfriend

 

who isn't very affectionate

 

equals super insecure girlfriend.

 

I think the problem is mine.

 

Sorry, I'm really trying to work this all out. Like I said in my first post, there are a lot of confounding factors in this one that make it all not so black and white. I'll hang on for a bit and see what happens.

 

thanks.

[Tony T]

You don't stay in a relationship when you aren't getting important things that you need. It seems here having a knock-out looking boyfriend is far more important to you than receiving physical affection. If you are willing to make that trade off...and you will continue to be willing when his looks wear off in your eyes and you are no longer impressed with that...I think it's great!!!

 

So I don't really understand why you were complaining. If he didn't care for you, obviously he could find another girl pretty quickly don't you think?

[boomerang]

As people have said in their replies to you, he could just be a not very demonstrative guy. But there could be other reasons too.

 

I recently broke up with a guy who showed very little affection like you describe. When he finally admitted he just wanted something very casual with me, he also said that sometimes he felt like being affectionate to me, but he was holding off because he didn't want to lead me on, to think there was something serious between us! And by not being affectionate he was keeping me at a safe distance and he was making sure I don't get too attached to him.

 

Something to think about...?