Why do women test men?

[Happy Lemming]

It must happen - as you have experienced one, but I question if it really a wide spread problem.

 

Besides this one incident - have you ever experienced these deliberate tests before?

 

I don't really think its a wide spread problem.

 

My example just sticks in my mind as the most egregious. I have had the "I think I'm pregnant" test, where I've been tested to see what I would do. Nothing else really sticks in my mind, but I've probably forgotten more than I remember. Memories from your youth start to fade when you get that AARP card!

 

My present long term girlfriend has never tested me. I think we just got to know each other as time passed. She is comfortable with my ethics and I with hers. There was never a need for her to test me and I will never test her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think "all women" "test" men. I'm a woman and I've never behaved this way. I'm not a game player. It serves no purpose.

 

I've made mistakes in relationships, but it has never been to "test" my partner. I just mess up sometimes because I'm a human being.

[Happy Lemming]

^^^ You are correct.

 

I think it is tough to contribute to threads when a poster uses "ALL" or "ALWAYS"...

 

I'd prefer "some" or "on certain occasions" or "the last two people I dated"... something along those lines.

 

Nothing is 100% with the exception of death and taxes!!

[RecentChange]

I don't really think its a wide spread problem.

 

My example just sticks in my mind as the most egregious. I have had the "I think I'm pregnant" test, where I've been tested to see what I would do. Nothing else really sticks in my mind, but I've probably forgotten more than I remember. Memories from your youth start to fade when you get that AARP card!

 

My present long term girlfriend has never tested me. I think we just got to know each other as time passed. She is comfortable with my ethics and I with hers. There was never a need for her to test me and I will never test her.

 

Got it - well the way the OP posted made it sound like it must be a thing that all women do - and we need to explain ourselves.

 

As for pregnancy - I had a "scare" once, was late and was in a blind panic. I told him because it took two to tango - most definitely wasn't a test, but I needed some support, he joined me to my doctor's appointment where thank God they confirmed it was nothing more than being late due to stress.

 

 

I don't think "all women" "test" men. I'm a woman and I've never behaved this way. I'm not a game player. It serves no purpose.

 

I've made mistakes in relationships, but it has never been to "test" my partner. I just mess up sometimes because I'm a human being.

 

Same - it's never crossed my mind.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I think there are different kinds of tests. Testing the water, so to speak, is normal. Asking people questions or engaging with them in ways that help you suss out their character and personality is a healthy part of getting to know somebody and establishing a relationship.

 

Deliberately constructing scenarios or instigating conflicts to test someone's tolerance to abuse or poor treatment, or to otherwise establish your own upper hand in the relationship is abhorrent and sociopathic. I think this is the sort of behavior guys tend to be referring to when they talk about not putting up with women who test them - and rightly so.

 

This behavior is in no way exclusive to women - though I think it's promoted and encouraged and even glorified among women in some pretty twisted and antisocial ways in popular culture and entertainment.

[chillii]

l've realized l subconsciously put her through the hoops, big ones too, because l subconsciously wanna know what she's made of and that she is true and will be there thick and thin.

lt's not a game or something l meant to do or even realized l was doing.

Anyway , any woman of mine has gotten through it flying colours .

 

ps . and l can see how any decent woman might test her man at the start, she might not like me even realize she does it . but ya gotta know what anyone worth while is made of these days in this throw away world.

Edited December 12, 2018 by chillii

[dateme]

Okay..

 

So "tests" are subconscious things that us women do not even realize we are doing it - yet men can't stand these tests and will "send a woman packing" for testing them.

 

Color me confused.

 

OP - please give an example of a test you want us women to explain why we do them.

 

Playing hard to get.

[Happy Lemming]

Playing hard to get.

 

Oh... I don't really consider "playing hard to get" a test, per se. I think of it as more of a dating style.

 

I thought you were talking about actions that were a bit more nefarious.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think many times men say women are "testing" them when actually they may just not be interested!

[elaine567]

I think many times men say women are "testing" them when actually they may just not be interested!

 

 

I agree "playing hard to get" can equal "no interest" whatsoever.

[carhill]

I've often wondered if and how often a woman tests a HVM, the kind of male who has dozens or hundreds of females at his beck and call. I'd like to watch those tests, just for educational purposes

[RecentChange]

Playing hard to get.

 

I played "hard to get" in some ways before my husband and I started dating.

 

I was in college and not really interested in "dating" but rather was just having fun. He was a football jock and I never considered those guys my type. He kept asking for a date, I kept declining until one day I agreed that he could give me a ride to a Halloween party a mutual friend was throwing.

 

It wasn't a "test" I wasn't trying to play "hard to get" - I simply wasn't interested in being caught!

 

But in the end I am glad he persisted and that I got to know him better.

 

So.... I guess I still do not understand this "testing" that women need to explain to men.

[True gentleman]

Everyone needs a balance of chaos and harmony in their lives. Perhaps we test one another because the balance of these two are off.

[alphamale]

Everyone needs a balance of chaos and harmony in their lives. Perhaps we test one another because the balance of these two are off.

 

well said...

[basil67]

Playing hard to get.

 

What makes you think they are testing? I would *always* suggest that men view low availability/low contact as a lack of interest and move on. Someone who really wants you won't mess you about.

[brigit87]

Playing hard to get.

 

TBH I did a TON of testing. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself from a man that could hurt me or couldn't take care of me. I knew the kind of man who I needed to be with and I did put my husband and plenty of other guys thru hell. But in the end the tests worked I got my best match.

[Sunlight72]

TBH I did a TON of testing. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself from a man that could hurt me or couldn't take care of me. I knew the kind of man who I needed to be with and I did put my husband and plenty of other guys thru hell. But in the end the tests worked I got my best match.

This is interesting Brigit. If you don't mind, would you elaborate on a couple things you did to test a guy in the past?

 

Separately, I'm also curious - now that you feel you've got your best match, do you still test some things now and then?

 

Thanks,

Sunlight

[brigit87]

This is interesting Brigit. If you don't mind, would you elaborate on a couple things you did to test a guy in the past?

 

Separately, I'm also curious - now that you feel you've got your best match, do you still test some things now and then?

 

Thanks,

Sunlight

 

Some Tests:

 

In the beginning I'd pick an expensive restaurant, order whatever, if the guy hesitated at the check or made me feel uncomfortable when he looked at it I wouldn't see him again.

 

This test isn't about fancy restaurants. This test indicates if the man likes you enough that he wants to impress you more than he cares about money. It indicates that later on if you're ever marry and you need to buy something nice for yourself he won't make a big deal about it.

 

 

Does he open doors for you?

 

My husband didn't do so great on this test. It indicates will the man lift heavy stuff like furniture in the future and not make a big deal about it. As predicted my husband always complains about lifting things.

 

Does he flirt with your friends or gaze at other women?

 

This tests his capacity to cheat.

 

 

To answer your second question yes. I still test my husband sometimes but at this point I know him well so most of the time testing isn't necessary.

[Kitty Tantrum]

See, I tend to go in the opposite direction and test for frugality. After years of being married to a man who needed me to keep his spending in check, I can only be happy with a man who is willing to live a simple life.People who are willing to throw money around make me very uncomfortable, no matter how much of it they have.

 

This illustrates why tests are so important when they're employed properly and for appropriate reasons. We all have different preferences and tolerances and it's a darned good idea to know what they are!

 

There are guys out there who really like fine dining and buying expensive designer handbags for their women. It's a lifestyle and status thing. Those guys would want nothing to do with a girl like me. I've had some offers in my time to go to some pretty swanky places, and I could never do it. Dropping big money right off the bat turns my stomach. I evaluated my fiance largely on his ability to split a season's worth of firewood and keep a clean burning fire in a wood stove.

[elaine567]

I think brigit87 and Kitty Tantrum's responses are exactly why some men get so frustrated. They want to place "tests" into a neat box so that they can devise a set formula that means they always pass the test.

BUT women are individuals.

Flashing the cash would make Brigit swoon but would make Kitty come out in a cold sweat at the thought of the waste of all that hard earned money...

[brigit87]

See, I tend to go in the opposite direction and test for frugality. After years of being married to a man who needed me to keep his spending in check, I can only be happy with a man who is willing to live a simple life.People who are willing to throw money around make me very uncomfortable, no matter how much of it they have.

 

This illustrates why tests are so important when they're employed properly and for appropriate reasons. We all have different preferences and tolerances and it's a darned good idea to know what they are!

 

There are guys out there who really like fine dining and buying expensive designer handbags for their women. It's a lifestyle and status thing. Those guys would want nothing to do with a girl like me. I've had some offers in my time to go to some pretty swanky places, and I could never do it. Dropping big money right off the bat turns my stomach. I evaluated my fiance largely on his ability to split a season's worth of firewood and keep a clean burning fire in a wood stove.

 

The test is for when you're first dating. Me and my husband are very careful with money because we have to be. But if I want something I can have it without being made to feel bad.

 

My dad didn't want to pay child support so a man being generous with money was big in my book.

 

At this stage in my life I really only want necessities. Once in a while I want something that isn't but I have a house filled with stuff and I'd like to get rid of a lot of it anyway.

[chillii]

I think brigit87 and Kitty Tantrum's responses are exactly why some men get so frustrated. They want to place "tests" into a neat box so that they can devise a set formula that means they always pass the test.

BUT women are individuals.

Flashing the cash would make Brigit swoon but would make Kitty come out in a cold sweat at the thought of the waste of all that hard earned money...

 

 

Men are very much individuals too and it'd be nothing to do with some neat little box to me that wouldn't be much fun, just needing to figure out where the hell she's really at and feeling.

[chillii]

The test is for when you're first dating. Me and my husband are very careful with money because we have to be. But if I want something I can have it without being made to feel bad.

 

My dad didn't want to pay child support so a man being generous with money was big in my book.

 

At this stage in my life I really only want necessities. Once in a while I want something that isn't but I have a house filled with stuff and I'd like to get rid of a lot of it anyway.

 

Never thrown money at a girl don't believe in it and l grew up thinking a girl thinks he expected to be paid back in the sack if he spent money on someone new and l wasn't putting myself into that bracket of buying her forget it.

 

But l realized later in life , god my poor gf's or later wife, l put just about every one through a few months of on off crap at the start.

l know it sounds crazy but l honestly didn't even realize l did it and what it was all really about, l just thought l was a bit of a crazy bastard , which l was anyway haha.

Honestly , can't believe they stuck around.

Edited December 14, 2018 by chillii

[NuevoYorko]

[]

It is to reveal flaws. To see if he has the same flaws that the woman learned about from bad experiences with previous guys. Is he going to do the same stupid stuff that all the other guys before him did, or is he going to be different and stand out in the crowd. Is he going to be a real man, or a whiny little butt-hurt beta?

 

Not really.

 

Healthy mature people are simply trying to get to know each other. Women do it, men do it.

 

In my considerable experience, desirable grown women don't think about men in terms like "whiny little butthurt beta" or "REAL MAN." It's more about compatibility. Do they like me? Is there chemistry? Do we have things in common? Any huge deal breakers? No test required. Pretty much the same way most of us are when we date women.

 

This whole "testing" thing of which you speak, I think, is folklore spawned by a hilarious Internet phenom. I suggest you ignore it. Outside of certain dark caverns of the Interwebs, adults don't really behave in these ways unless they're a mess.

[Fugu]

A lot of what people think of as 'tests' aren't really; they're just people being who they are, and they might not be aware that it gets under someone's skin. If someone is irritating you (or 'testing' you), get it out in the open:

 

"Why are you acting this way?"

 

If someone is really testing you, it probably means they have doubts about the relationship, in which case, maybe it's best to talk about where it's all going.