Having a bad day today

[Charlierose30]

Hi everyone,

I’m having a really hard time today. It’s been about 5 weeks since my break up (full story in my other post), and I feel like I’m not making any progress and I’m not feeling any better. I’m so sick of being sad, I’m sick of thinking about my ex and I’m still so confused as to why this has all happened. I know I need to accept what has happened but I’m having trouble doing so. Am I still in denial? How do I move forward, or even start to want to move forward? Help!

[bathtub-row]

There’s no getting around it - break ups suck really, really, really badly. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[d0nnivain]

Healing is not linear. There will be good days & bad ones. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

[Ronni_W]

I know I need to accept what has happened but I’m having trouble doing so. Am I still in denial?

There's a difference between accepting what has happened versus understanding why it happened. So, it doesn't seem that you are in denial.

 

You could consider journaling about what the prior relationship taught you about you.

("I learned that I am good at _____. I learned that I need to improve _____. I learned that my self-esteem is dependent upon _____.")

 

Wishing you the best.

[Beachead]

Hi Charlierose30,

 

I read your previous thread on the situation. I apologize for the long post but hope it will provide some value for you. It will not be what you want to hear.

 

When you moved to be closer to him, it made everything real for him. All the doubts and insecurities and problems that were already pre-existing for him prior to that big move was shoved in his face forcing him to confront what he wanted and didn't want. When push came to shove, he made his decision that he didn't want it. It doesn't matter why though I understand why the "Why" is important for you. At the end of the day though, he chose. If he wanted to be with you for the rest of his life, he had it. It was all there for him. He chose otherwise. In choosing this, he chooses to be with someone else. He cried because he knew he was hurting a good person. He knows what he was doing and he felt guilty. This is what the tears are.

 

He may contact you again or he may not but you need to know that you cannot live in limbo as it will destroy you so the only move here is to move forward without him. As of right now, you will never hear from him again and its over. That's what you know right now.

 

3 years is a long time. That's 365 days X 3 years worth of time spent with one another..getting used to being in eachothers lives. 5 weeks is nothing when it comes to healing. You were probably in shock for weeks and likely still are. With that, you've probably numbed out a little because of the overwhelmingly paralyzing pain that took so much out of you. The mind numbed you out to conserve your strength using some deception to sway you from accepting the cold hard truth entirely. Over time, its going to release and spoon feed you a little bit about your situation in manageable quantities.

 

You can't see the big picture because you're too caught up..you don't know what it shows yet. It is like a giant puzzle that is unmade at the moment. But day by day, you will be putting one new piece on that board as you cry, and feel anger, and ask questions like why and what? As time goes, more pieces will be added and you will begin to understand what happened. With understanding comes clarity which you will use to help you heal from your situation. That is when you will start to feel your strength slowly come back.

 

But healing is slow and I think for you, it is fair to say it'll take a good year to feel decent. If you have good support or use the right coping techniques for yourself..you may speed it up a little bit but overall, know these things take time. Just to lose hope that they will ever come back and everything will be great again can take a few months minimum, which is one of the hardest aspects of getting over any breakup as a dumpee. A lot of people want to rush themselves or allow others to tell them that they should be getting over something more quickly than they are. That's the wrong move.

 

Ride the thoughts out day by day. Cry, get angry, feel numb. Let it be. Feeling it is processing it. Do not run, do not avoid or bury. Face it. Alone time is important as well as carrying on with your life. You're doing all the right things right now by coming on LS and venting. Maybe it would be good to find a friend to talk to. As well as that, a therapist or a lifecoach wouldn't hurt either if you can afford a few sessions with one. It'll give you something to look forward to and you will learn coping techniques.

 

And no, you're not going to feel like you're improving, not for awhile. But you will be. Initially it feel like you can barely get through an hour in the day which is probably how you feel right now. But as you process your situation, you will gain clarity about it which will give you more strength. With that strength, getting through the hour will become easy and you'll focus on getting through the morning. Then it'll be the morning and the afternoon. Then the whole day. Then it'll be about getting through the next few days when that becomes easier, the week..and then the month.

 

Everyday will feel horrible for awhile until you have that one good moment. That'll be the beginning of your life turning around. But if you think about that right now..it'll feel completely unimaginable so there's no point in talking about it. Take your life day by day. Make the changes you need to get your head right. You need all your energy and love for yourself now because it will take everything you have to get back onto your feet..which you will.

 

If you want some techniques on how to heal in a healthy direction, I have plenty.

 

Stay Strong

 

- Beach

Edited December 11, 2018 by Beachead

[maripsv]

I feel you. Your story sound a bit like mine. I was also with my boyfriend for three years and two of those were long distance. We finally moved in together, got married, moved to a new country. We were so excited for that new chapter...

 

Then, nine months later, he broke up with me. Said the spark and attraction were gone, he was annoyed at everything that I did, he did not miss me when u was gone, he had no urges to hug or to kiss me. He was cold and distant. And I found out he was on Tinder talking to other girls at least 3 months before he actually broke up.

 

We even tried to be together for two more months, but the relationship just wasn’t the same. My trust in him was gone and he could not feel that he was in love with me anymore. He also doesn’t feel that he’s ready for a relationship like this - he feels he is too young to be living with someone, settling down. He is 25. He wants to date other people.

 

The pain for me was really big. He saw how sad I was and he was really sad too with this decision. He cried and said he would miss me so much. He did not want to hurt me.

 

We broke up for good about 10 days ago. I am very saddened by this, but I feel better every day already. One thing I can give you as a tip: if someone broke up, it is because something was really wrong in the relationship. I had not seen it in mine before but now I can clearly see that our relationship had been pretty bad for a year. He was even abusive in some ways, constantly annoyed and we really distanced ourselves from each other and my mind tried to justify this not as a problem in our relationship, but that he was unhappy with his life after we moved.

 

I am still partly in denial, which is what is holding me back a lot. I can understand why the relationship wouldn’t work and I’m trying to focus not in the good moments we had but in the very bad ones, which were unfortunately quite frequent. And also try to focus on ME. Not on what I’m losing with the break up but with the million things I stand to gain from it. You just need to shift your focus to move on, your mind works for YOU and you just have to give it the right focus so that it helps you move on.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30, I'm so sorry to see that yesterday was a bad day for you. I can relate and I think so many others can too. When I saw my therapist on Monday, I was saying something about how some people in my life seem to think I should be over everything -- after all, it's been 6 weeks. But she pointed out that this man has been in my life for 5 and a half years. 6 weeks in that time is a very small percentage. I can't expect to be totally healed in that time and THAT IS OK. It's ok to hurt and miss this person. Be kind to yourself. I'm trying to do the same and it is hard. Some days I feel so sad and some days I feel angry. Some days I feel so bad about myself.

 

I agree that getting better is not linear and it takes a long time. I also agree with Beachead that progress comes in tiny pieces. So seeing small changes until one day you see a bigger change. I don't cry as much anymore and I think that's a good thing. I feel like I can see reality a little better, although it's still hard for me to admit some things to myself. I want answers too. I want it to makes sense and for him to say something to make it better. I want to be ok with none of that happening or for me to be able to make it better for myself. I hope that will happen someday. But it's ok that it hasn't yet.

 

Hugs to you. Do something nice for yourself. Get take out from your favorite place. Watch a tv show that you love. Re-read your favorite book. Talk to your best friend. Go for a walk. Look at the Christmas lights. When I'm kind to myself it helps.

[Charlierose30]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. It really does help.

 

I guess I’m just getting frustrated with myself. I know that it hasn’t been much time in the scheme of things. I think (if I’m honest) I’ve been secretly hoping that he will get in touch and say he’s made a huge mistake. But here I am 5 weeks later and it doesn’t look like that’s about to happen. It’s hard for me to accept that this is truly what he wants, and that he’s not missing me as much as I am him.

 

Beached, thank you for your response. I needed to hear it and I know you’re right even if I don’t want to admit it to myself. I have been seeing a therapist which is helping, I’ve been journaling, and I’ve got great friends around me for support. It’s just when I’m on my own and start overthinking I tend to get lost in it and it’s hard to pull myself back out. What are some techniques you could recommend on healthy healing?

 

Maripsv, I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, it’s such a hard situation to navigate through. This truly sucks.

 

Nolanola, you’ve been such a great support to me through this, I know you understand what I’m going through and I hope that one day we can both look back on this and be proud of ourselves for coming so far.

[nolanola]

Charlierose30, have you ever seen that movie Swingers? It's from the 90s I think. It's about a guy that gets dumped by his girlfriend and he finds out she is with someone else. He's devastated and decides to move across the country. He's in NC and trying to get over her by going out with his friends, talking to women, and so on, but he's having a hard time. There are two really, really great quotes that I think about sometimes when it comes to relationships.

 

The first is when he's talking to his friend about whether she will come back. This is their exchange:

Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike: Well what if she comes back first?

Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

 

And that's the thing. There is something, whether it's karma or energy or whatever, that they don't reappear until you stop thinking about him. I've always found this to be the case. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make yourself stop thinking about them, it just happens with time as you stay NC and start to move on. You make new memories and experiences and stop wondering what they are doing or who they are with. And the beautiful part is that eventually you stop thinking about them coming back.

 

The other line from that movie that I love is when the guy is talking about how he can get over his girlfriend. The guy asks how long it takes and the other guy says: "Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all."

 

I know it's just a movie, but I think there is a lot of wisdom in both of those quotes. I think about them, especially the part about it hurting a little less every day and it helps.

 

I hope you're feeling better today. I'm having a good day today and trying to stay busy. I don't dread Christmas, although it's in the back of my head whether that will prompt him to reach out.

I marked out 90 days on my calendar. That is the length of time my therapist suggested for NC. She says that after that you can contact the person, but I like the idea of checking in with myself after 90 days to see where I'm at. Right now I don't have a desire to reach out to him at all, but maybe I will be less angry and sad by then.

[Beachead]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. It really does help.

 

I guess I’m just getting frustrated with myself. I know that it hasn’t been much time in the scheme of things. I think (if I’m honest) I’ve been secretly hoping that he will get in touch and say he’s made a huge mistake. But here I am 5 weeks later and it doesn’t look like that’s about to happen. It’s hard for me to accept that this is truly what he wants, and that he’s not missing me as much as I am him.

 

Beached, thank you for your response. I needed to hear it and I know you’re right even if I don’t want to admit it to myself. I have been seeing a therapist which is helping, I’ve been journaling, and I’ve got great friends around me for support. It’s just when I’m on my own and start overthinking I tend to get lost in it and it’s hard to pull myself back out. What are some techniques you could recommend on healthy healing?

 

Maripsv, I’m sorry you’re going through something similar, it’s such a hard situation to navigate through. This truly sucks.

 

Nolanola, you’ve been such a great support to me through this, I know you understand what I’m going through and I hope that one day we can both look back on this and be proud of ourselves for coming so far.

 

I didn't talk to a professional until last year so a lot of what I learned came from alone time, self-reflection and trial and error. I know loss very well. Been through 3 breakups, people I considered friends have let me go, and I've had to let go of others as well for my mental health. Spent most of my life on my own learning to fight for myself. This is a long post but hope you find some merit in it.

 

1. Journaling

 

Free-write when journaling. Don't format, don't be grammatically correct, don't worry about it having to be particular way at all..just don't think and write. One thing I learned when I did this was initially, my brain would restrict me. I had been taught and trained my whole life to not be myself and so that's what I still did in my most intimate private moments sitting there. Let the pen go and see where your thoughts take you. Let the fears and restrictions go. If you want to take it a step further, you can colour code your thoughts after you're done an entry. Pink for thoughts about the girl, yellow for things about work, green for things about family. Or maybe you can colour code them based on whats negative or positive in your entry. Helps you see patterns in the journal itself and between journals over time. So that once you start seeing what's dominating your thoughts, you can begin to work on rehabilitating them. You don't have to journal like this everyday. You journal when you feel like you're going to explode.

 

Another thing you can do is write down 2 things you look forward to in the day. They could be the most insignificant things. For me, it's a warm afternoon coffee and a warm evening shower. Get me to focus on something positive. You can also write one or two things you are grateful for. For me, it's my family and its the fact that I learned piano when I was small which has helped me through a lot in my own struggles as an adult. When we're heartbroken or dealing with grief, its tough to see or want to see what appreciate or what brings us joy in life. Focusing on something simple helps get that ball rolling again.

 

Writing makes the difference.

 

2. Self-Purpose/Goals

 

Figure out what you want to accomplish out your life if you haven't already. From there you establish goals to get there. Long-term, intermediate and short-term goals. These have to be specific too. Write them out or remind yourself of them everyday. You can write what you want to accomplish on a sheet of paper and stick it on your ceiling or somewhere where you know you'll run into it.

 

Be absolutely real with yourself and get real specific with all of it. Super detailed. You can even draw out a mindmap. Become a mad man about it. I used to talk to myself as if someone was interviewing me and asking me questions about myself and I used to pretend I was answering them all. Explaining my plans. Explaining my weaknesses. how I got passed it all. By doing this, you reinforce your plans in your head until it becomes all you can see or do. Mindmaps help as well.

 

Example: Saying I want to be more social as a goal isn't enough. Too broad, too general. You need to make a plan on how to do it. The more detailed, the better.

 

If its too much to think about what you want to accomplish from your life, then focus on what you want to accomplish by the end of the year and do the same thing.

 

To help with this, you can write down your 2 biggest fears in life. Leave it in sight so that you can see it every morning you wake up. Again be real with yourself. These fears will help push you through your goals.

 

3. Activities

 

Choose activiites that help you improve upon the things you want to improve upon. If you want to become more social, join activities that push for teamwork and push for interaction. Ex. Dodgeball recreation leagues or another sport team, a band, academic classes etc.

 

If you want to travel more, concentrate on managing your finances and start planning an itinerary for the places you are going to go to. This can also offer you more life experience, perspective, social benefits etc.

 

Activities can offer multiple benefits for you in many categories as in you can also build skills, knowledge and experiences with them.

 

4. Exercise

Physical and emotional benefits come from this as I'm sure you've heard.

 

5. Time

 

Give yourself patience for your healing as well as alone time to reflect. Don't bombard yourself by doing too much, you need that quiet to hear yourself think and to feel.

 

None of this has anything to do with finding a new partner or getting your ex back. The goal is to return your mind back to functional form and get yourself back to a healthy state. Live life your way and sync it with what your heart wants. You'll feel more at peace when you focus on what you can control which is yourself and your reactions to life. If you make it about finding love, you'll be miserable because you're trying to control variables that are dependant on a lot more than just what you do. Thus you feel like you have no control of your life because you've made that your life. Many of us fall victim to this search and it consumes us, ultimately robbing us of our potential. Do yourself a favour and don't. This has to be about you, for you. Stay disciplined on your personal path and the right people who were meant for your life will stick with you and you'll meet more just like you along the way.

 

- Beach

Edited December 13, 2018 by Beachead

[an0nym0us123]

It was the 4 month mark that things only started to improve. Even then you have bad days. I think about my ex all the time and what she did to me. But i dont get that punched gut feeling like i used to have. Now over 6 months. Long hard road...

[Beachead]

It was the 4 month mark that things only started to improve. Even then you have bad days. I think about my ex all the time and what she did to me. But i dont get that punched gut feeling like i used to have. Now over 6 months. Long hard road...

 

It was the roughly the same duration for me all of my situations. The time frame does vary depending on who you are, how much you've been through and the relationship itself, but generally its around that 4 month mark. The longest I stubbornly held on was for about 6 months. It simply becomes too exhausting to continue holding on to a person, thinking about them and why things happened, and hoping for them to come back, for the rest of your life. At some point, you just can't do it anymore. You start to realize that you need to carry on because there are people who need you to be at 100%. Your siblings, your parents, you niece, nephew, maybe a close friend. People who are actually in your life, who give to you, invest in you and who care about you. And then you realize you need you.

 

If this amazing soulmate of our really wanted to be with us and if that relationship was meant to be, they would have been here working it out with us, not someplace else, perhaps with someone else. And if they can go on this long, for months, without talking to you, then really, they can live their life without you. Imagine getting back together with them knowing they were capable of that? You'd feel like you were with someone who could drop you and vanish just like that. It wouldn't be the same for you. And that's when you realize, that even if they came back, you may not even want them.

 

You start to let go of hope when it starts to make sense to let go of it and we all get there. After that, it's just a matter of continuing to rebuilding our life.

Edited December 13, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses, I really do appreciate it.

 

The last day or so have been a bit of a blur. I’m trying to keep busy with friends and family. I’ve got this underlying feeling of sadness at all times though, which if I think about too much turns into tears. I keep thinking about my last few Christmas seasons and how happy I was and then this year how broken I am. It’s so incredibly sad. I’m trying to stay strong and not wallow but am finding it hard. I just want to turn back the clock, I don’t want this to be happening at all. The future seems so overwhelming to me right now, it’s a scary concept.

[nolanola]

Charlierose30, I know it's not much consolation, but I feel a lot of the same things. Some days, when I'm really busy and around other people, I feel ok. He lingers in my mind, but I feel ok. Other days, for no real reason, I just bottom out. Or get really mad. And I'm coming up on 7 weeks this Monday.

 

I was thinking about what others said about it taking around 4 months to get into a significantly better place and it makes me think of that saying "time heals all wounds". Of course, it does, but you have to go through the time. You can't just jump to that place where it's healed. I am trusting that as I continue to be NC and try to focus on myself (therapy, exercise, work), once that time passes I will feel better.

 

Something else that helps me sometimes is to think of who I was 5 years ago when I met this guy. If you had asked me at that time what I thought would happen in my life over the next 5 years, I would never have been able to guess that I would start dating this person. But also, I would not have thought that I would have traveled some of the places I've been, made some of the friends that I've made, and (on the bad side) had some health challenges that I've had. The point is that none of us know what the future holds for us. 5 years from now my life may look totally different than what I imagine. This man might be a distant memory to me. You don't know what your life holds, both good and bad, and you won't be stuck in this place forever.

[Beachead]

@Nolanola and Charlierose30

 

I wouldn't say you'll feel significantly better at 4 months. Try not to expect that. The problem with due dates for these things are we hold to it with hope and find ourselves disappointed if we don't see improvement.

 

Your mind is trying to unlearn the habits and patterns it programmed itself into doing automatically without thinking, with these people. And now these people are no longer around but that old programming is still there, still running. That's why we feel a void. That's why we'll feel an irrational need to contact exes even if they're bad for us. Your brain needs time to readjust and rewire itself which is what's happening here. It's a process that needs to be allowed to do its thing.

 

I know how you guys feel. It feels like you're drowning. Your chest hurts, you can't eat, you can't think, you can barely sleep. You cry all the time. You've probably lost weight. You keep checking your phone to see if they contacted you only to feel your heart break all over again, when there's nothing waiting for you. You step out of the house and every single landmark or thing out in the world reminds you of them and those endless thoughts just consume you. Makes you want to contact them just to soothe it all.

 

What you'll feel at 4 months is less of all that. Whatever is there right now won't be as intense or as paralyzing as it is now. Your appetite will return. You'll feel less fatigued. That's the kind of feeling better we're talking about. The pain will still be there though. 4 months onward is when you'll start noticing something change. Right now, you're standing at the bottom of a tall mountain you have to climb, looking up at the top. Ofcourse it feels unattainable. That mountain goes up to the clouds! So quit looking up to the top. Focus on where you're going to place your feet and your hands for your first step. Focus on right now.

 

While your mind does its thing, continue to do yours. Stay out of bed and change your routine up, add new things to your life, go to the gym, take care of the people you love but remember to give yourself alone time to cry and feel as well. And that's it.

 

Improvements will come very slowly and will happen in gradually. You'll feel it in your first good moment at work or at the gym or at home. Your first genuine smile. Time goes on and those good moments will combine into a good couple of hours. Eventually you'll have your first good day. You probably won't even notice it unless you stop for a moment and pay attention, because you'll be going through the motions of life. If you don't feel any better in 1 year, it won't be about solely about this ex or this relationship. It'll be because of other traumas that have gone unchecked and unnoticed in the past, but worry about that if you get there.

 

Everything will be fine for the both of you. I believe that. Take it day by day. Step by Step.

 

- Beach

Edited December 15, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Four months seems like such a long time right now.

 

I’m feeling a little better today - at least, I haven’t cried (yet). Yesterday was a bad one, I found myself having some really dark thoughts which scared me a lot. I managed to pull myself out of it after some time but I’m getting increasingly worried about falling into depression again.

 

One thing on my mind today, and I’m sure I’ve said this before, is how he’s never apologised. What he did, and the way he went about it was beyond cruel. And not once has he apologised, or even acknowledged what a ****ty thing it was that he did. I know I shouldn’t expect this from him and it won’t change the situation but I’m mad! I’m not really sure what I’m getting at here or if there’s a point, I just needed to vent.

[an0nym0us123]

Been in depression before and i too was worried id fall back in. Worst thing you can do is worry about getting depressed because that will make it happen.

 

Its sad that people we once knew and shared magic moments with can show such cruelty but that seems to be what happens a lot of the time. They show their true colours.

 

It will get better, probably not for a while yet though. But suddenly you will find yourself getting your mojo back. And it will be as good a feeling as falling in love. You will feel yourself coming back to life and its like a high. But even then there will be spells where you slip back into pain.

 

When you meet someone better and fall in love and forget this. You will look back and wonder why you spent so much time dwelling on it

[Endnote]

Four months seems like such a long time right now.

 

I’m feeling a little better today - at least, I haven’t cried (yet). Yesterday was a bad one, I found myself having some really dark thoughts which scared me a lot. I managed to pull myself out of it after some time but I’m getting increasingly worried about falling into depression again.

 

One thing on my mind today, and I’m sure I’ve said this before, is how he’s never apologised. What he did, and the way he went about it was beyond cruel. And not once has he apologised, or even acknowledged what a ****ty thing it was that he did. I know I shouldn’t expect this from him and it won’t change the situation but I’m mad! I’m not really sure what I’m getting at here or if there’s a point, I just needed to vent.

 

The first two months were the worst for me. It'll be four months on Christmas for me. I really struggled in September and October. November I kept so busy that while I still ruminated about my ex, I had so much to do it wasn't as painful or in my thoughts as often. It's tough, there's no quick answers other than stay busy and grieve when you really feel it. I'm still really struggling now during the holidays, but nothing compared to those first two months.

 

I got an apology from my ex in both the email she wrote to break up with me and a text she sent the day she moved out. It didn't change much, she ultimately still did what she did and it was still cruel as all hell. But I know the feeling, you wish you could get more out of them, at least something better than this, so it's difficult not to focus on the things like apologies, what was said, memories that'll get lost over time, all that. Stay strong @Charlierose30, it does get easier, but it takes plenty more time than we can accept for now.

[nolanola]

I am so sorry you are having some rough days. I have them too, but it's getting a bit better. I'm at 7 weeks NC today. Remember "if you're going through hell, just keep going".

 

You don't know what might happen as far as apologies go. I had a terrible breakup with the guy I dated before this and I wanted an apology from him so badly. He had treated me terribly for years and I struggled with being angry at him and myself for letting him do it. As time went by, it got better and better, but it took like a year for me to feel happy that he was gone. Even then, I would still occasionally just sit in my anger and sadness. 3 years after our last blow-up, I got a nothing text from him (like "Hi" or something like that). It wasn't until 5 years later that he came back with an actual apology. What's amazing was that by the time that happened, I was so over him I never responded. I'm glad he apologized and I kept the message, but I never want to see or speak to him again.

 

It is possible that you may get some kind of answer. But you may not and you may have to make peace by yourself. You can't force this guy to be decent and to apologize. Right now, your breakup is pretty fresh and he is still in his feelings about it too (or he might be doing other things to escape those feelings or to push them down). Let him feel your absence by staying NC. It gets better, I can promise you. I'm proof of that. I still feel down and obsessive about things sometimes (yesterday I left a long message for my best friend asking her to talk me out of online stalking). But this morning I feel ok.

[Beachead]

Four months seems like such a long time right now.

 

I’m feeling a little better today - at least, I haven’t cried (yet). Yesterday was a bad one, I found myself having some really dark thoughts which scared me a lot. I managed to pull myself out of it after some time but I’m getting increasingly worried about falling into depression again.

 

One thing on my mind today, and I’m sure I’ve said this before, is how he’s never apologised. What he did, and the way he went about it was beyond cruel. And not once has he apologised, or even acknowledged what a ****ty thing it was that he did. I know I shouldn’t expect this from him and it won’t change the situation but I’m mad! I’m not really sure what I’m getting at here or if there’s a point, I just needed to vent.

 

Yes, it was cruel. Nothing about a breakup is pretty.

 

You invested the best of yourself into this person. Gave trust, time, energy, materials, financials etc. He took your best and decided it wasn't what he was looking for which is great for him but where does that leave you? All the memories you two shared, all the conversations you had, all those things that made you smile once upon a time now feel like a nightmare you wish you could forget. There's this big empty void in your life they left behind and now because of them, you have to spend every day for a long while, trying to move passed it.

 

Yes, people are free to make the choices they want to make. Yes, they ccan do whatever they want to do. That doesn't mean we have to be okay with what they did. Doesn't mean we should pretend to be happy so not not offend the people out there that lock deadlines on us and think we should over it by then. It's not about them. It's about your struggle and its about what you feel. What you feel is real to you.

 

There will pressures like that. But remember, lying to ourself and succumbing to those pressures rob us from the knowledge and wisdom we can gain from letting ourselves feel what we truly feel.

 

So be mad. Let it in. Don't restrict yourself. You have to feel it to heal it.

 

- Beach

[preraph]

I think it helps to remember that she wasn't who you hoped she'd be, who you gave her credit for being, and knowing that's who you fell in love with -- but that wasn't who she was. Just face it that she wasn't the right woman for you and she knew it. Ups and downs, all normal, but the thing that will help most is making yourself continue to socialize and see friends and make a point of doing deliberate fun things every week to make yourself smile and give you body a break from the stress.

[Charlierose30]

Hi everyone,

I’m on day 8 of NC. I’m finding it really difficult. Or actually I’m not finding it too bad not contacting him, I don’t know what I would say to him right now that would sound anything other than angry. But I’m finding the fact that he is not contacting me difficult. It feels like I meant nothing to him. How can we go from being best friends who spoke multiple times a day, to just nothing?! It really really hurts. How is it not hurting him too? I hate this!

[Beachead]

Hi everyone,

I’m on day 8 of NC. I’m finding it really difficult. Or actually I’m not finding it too bad not contacting him, I don’t know what I would say to him right now that would sound anything other than angry. But I’m finding the fact that he is not contacting me difficult. It feels like I meant nothing to him. How can we go from being best friends who spoke multiple times a day, to just nothing?! It really really hurts. How is it not hurting him too? I hate this!

 

Because when someone breaks up with you, they have been thinking about doing it for months ahead of time, weighing out the pros and cons of being in the relationship and out of a relationship. It's never an impulse decision.

 

I'd wager as time went on, whatever was not working for him was beginning to make him feel more and more trapped because it wasn't what he wanted. He probably started thinking about all the opportunities he was missing outside of the relationship. This triggered guilt because he knew you were a good person and that he'd have to hurt you. The guilt is what made him stay and want to work things out with you. He covered it up well.

 

So while you spent time with him thinking everything was okay, he was mentally preparing to leave and was getting over you. When we love someone, we aren't looking for failure. So whatever cracks and fractures may have been evident at the time, you weren't seeing it. You brushed it off. You forgave. You showed patience, compassion, understanding. You loved. You did exactly what you were supposed to be doing in a relationship. You could have been girlfriend of the year, and it wouldn't have mattered to him because at the end of the day, he was looking for a way out.

 

The day finally came when all the guilt and lying to himself became too much and so he ended it.

 

It feels like he's heartless because he's had a tremendous head start on getting over this. While he's on Day 150 of healing, you're still on Day 8. While he's 95% healed, you've only just started.

 

- Beach

Edited December 20, 2018 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

Hi Beached,

Thank you so much for spelling it out for me, that makes complete sense. I’ve actually never really dumped anyone (aside from short term flings) so I’m having difficulty seeing things from his perspective and understanding how his head was working at the time. This helps.

I guess the other thing that bothers me now is the fact that he didn’t have the guts to tell me before I packed my whole life up and moved overseas for him. Don’t get me wrong, I still would have been devastated if he had wanted to go without me, but at least I’d have some sense of normality still. And at least in time, I’d be able to look back and think ‘he did the right thing’. I don’t think I’ll get there with the way things actually went down. It was too cruel.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30, good to see you online again. I'm sorry you are struggling. I think when you said "But I’m finding the fact that he is not contacting me difficult. It feels like I meant nothing to him." you could have taken the words out of the heads of so many of us on this board. I know I think this ALL THE TIME. It's so hard to deal with when we can't understand why someone did the things that they did.

 

Do not assume that he feels nothing or that you mean nothing. I think he most likely feels terrible for hurting you. He's not stupid. He knows he's devastated you. This is a sweeping generalization of course, but I think a lot of men try to push things down rather than dealing with feelings. So he might not be contacting you because he is ashamed or upset with himself. He might feel terrible that he hurt someone he cared about. He knows you are upset with him and he likely does not want to get an earful from you or to hear you cry. My Dad always tells me to never judge someone's insides by their outsides (meaning, don't assume someone is so happy just because they appear to be smiling all the time). In this case, you are assuming he is happy and over you because you haven't heard from him in 8 days, but you can't know this.

 

The hardest thing is to try to move on without answers. We want to know why. We think this will make us feel better and bring us peace. It is possible he might not even know exactly why he did what he did. He might have had reservations about you moving there but thought that when you were there it would be ok. Or maybe he felt that it was too late to have that conversation with you. I hope someday you will get some answers. But I would encourage you to try to accept the possibility that you may never know. It's ok to be angry about that. You can punch your pillow, trash him to your friends, give him a mean nickname, whatever makes you feel better. Hold your head up and stay NC. It really helps a lot.

 

Come on here and post when you need to or if you want to contact him. I'm on here usually everyday lately and I will talk you out of it.