Having a bad day today

[Charlierose30]

Beached, that is a lot. It hurts to put your trust and optimism into someone and have that blind faith crushed. I hope I can use it like you did to push me in the right direction. It’s such a slow, arduous process.

 

Gcp, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot. I’ve tried so hard to maintain my dignity throughout this situation (at least as far as my ex knows), so that at least once this is in the past I can look back and be proud of myself that he didn’t take that from me too. The way he treated me was so cruel, you’re right. So why can’t I hate him? I feel like that would be easier for me.

 

I’m scared this is going to ruin me for any future relationships. That sounds so over dramatic, but I’m genuinely worried that if I ever do find a nice, decent man that I’ll have so much baggage from my ex and our break up that I will ruin things. Or that this has/will damage me to the point that I don’t ever even want to pursue romance again. Am I damaged goods now?

[gcp]

Beached, that is a lot. It hurts to put your trust and optimism into someone and have that blind faith crushed. I hope I can use it like you did to push me in the right direction. It’s such a slow, arduous process.

 

Gcp, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot. I’ve tried so hard to maintain my dignity throughout this situation (at least as far as my ex knows), so that at least once this is in the past I can look back and be proud of myself that he didn’t take that from me too. The way he treated me was so cruel, you’re right. So why can’t I hate him? I feel like that would be easier for me.

 

I’m scared this is going to ruin me for any future relationships. That sounds so over dramatic, but I’m genuinely worried that if I ever do find a nice, decent man that I’ll have so much baggage from my ex and our break up that I will ruin things. Or that this has/will damage me to the point that I don’t ever even want to pursue romance again. Am I damaged goods now?

 

Because you aren't a hateful person and that is a good thing. Hurt is good in a way, you will come out the other side wiser and stronger, but hate can weigh you down. Be grateful for that.

 

And as far as ruining future relationships, I wouldn't worry about that. The fact that you are aware of this means you recognize you aren't quite ready for a relationship. It also means you'll know when you are. After my last two relationships I feel as though my "picker" is broken. But as time passes I realize I have learned a lot and know what behavior to look for. Consider it lessons learned other than baggage.

[Beachead]

@Charlierose30

 

Beached, that is a lot. It hurts to put your trust and optimism into someone and have that blind faith crushed. I hope I can use it like you did to push me in the right direction. ItÂ’s such a slow, arduous process.

 

It was a lot.

 

I’m scared this is going to ruin me for any future relationships. That sounds so over dramatic, but I’m genuinely worried that if I ever do find a nice, decent man that I’ll have so much baggage from my ex and our break up that I will ruin things. Or that this has/will damage me to the point that I don’t ever even want to pursue romance again. Am I damaged goods now?

 

Everyone carries some degree of pain in their past into their future and their future relationships. We have cracks, weaknesses, past memories..they leave marks. You weren't perfect back then, you aren't perfect right now, and you won't ever be. Don't expect to be. It's just about just doing the best you can. A person who loves you will understand that and will forgive you for it and all will work out. That's love.

 

- Beach

Edited January 17, 2019 by Beachead

[Charlierose30]

I’m not ready to even think about another relationship right now, I’m not sure why I even started thinking about that! I suppose it’s what happens, all these things I thought I wouldn’t have to think about again, but now that I’m no longer with him they keep popping into my head. I didn’t think I’d be single again.

 

I have definite moments where I know that in the long run, I will be better off without him. I know he treated me poorly, especially in the way things ended between us. He has never apologised, or acknowledged how horrible the situation was. He dumped me so cruelly that sometimes when I start thinking about good times in our relationship, I stop and say to myself “but remember what he did”.

The kicker for me is that I know, if he contacted me and wanted to reconcile (which I know he won’t), that I would still consider it. I still wish for that to happen, I still want him back. I want the cruelty of this break up to erase any desire for me to want him back, but it hasn’t. How do I make this happen?

[Beachead]

@Charlierose30

I want the cruelty of this break up to erase any desire for me to want him back, but it hasn’t. How do I make this happen?

 

You remind yourself of the reality and write it down. Then you read it.. everyday.

 

You two were together for a long time. You gave your time, your energy, your resources. Everything you had to give. He received it, he pondered on it and then he decided he wanted something else. And he'll meet someone else as well. How nice of him to figure out what he really wanted, at the expense of a part of your life. He gets to say sorry while you get to spend a long time grieving and suffering on the road to recovery.

 

This isn't beautiful. It's ugly. So get mad and hate the guy until you don't. Understanding, acceptance and perhaps even forgiveness..these things will comes later as your strength returns but it will take time and it will require you to first allow yourself to feel freely. You don't need righteousness or ideals right now Charlierose30. You need anger. It'll take him off the pedestal that he doesn't deserve to be on and it'll motivate you to get back to living. The secret during this stage is to redirect that anger into rebuilding yourself.

 

This is what worked for me

Edited January 20, 2019 by Beachead

[PolyPocket]

I’m scared this is going to ruin me for any future relationships. That sounds so over dramatic, but I’m genuinely worried that if I ever do find a nice, decent man that I’ll have so much baggage from my ex and our break up that I will ruin things. Or that this has/will damage me to the point that I don’t ever even want to pursue romance again. Am I damaged goods now?

 

I was a rebound for my current ex whose heart was broken not too long before I met him. The problem was that he jumped too long into the dating scene without properly dealing with his past, but despite of that, I took a chance on him because I really wanted to be with him. I was blindsided thinking things would change, and it didn't seem hopeless at times, but as we all know now I ended up taking punches for his heartache and he ended up breaking mine in return.

 

There's no such thing as a perfect package sweetie. As Beachead said, we all have scars we carry, and it just takes the right time and the right person to accept you for who you are. The important thing is to heal before you take a chance on another person, because it does hurt being on the receiving end of that rebound. You will find your perfect match too, but it will not happen overnight. Take some time for yourself, and when your heart is ready, go out there and date again. You'll find that navigating thru this heartache is an important phase of transitioning yourself from a relationship that didn't work to one that is meant for you.

Edited January 20, 2019 by PolyPocket

[Charlierose30]

Thanks Beachead, that’s exactly what I need to hear right now.

 

I’m sick of being sad and the small glimpses of anger that I’ve had felt far more productive than the sadness. I went to see my therapist today, who said I need to allow myself to feel anger. I’m not generally an angry person, and I don’t like being angry (who does!). So whenever I feel angry normally, I think I try and suppress it. I need to let myself get angry, and let it help me move forward.

 

Poly - thanks so much for your response. I’m not sure why I started thinking about future relationships the other day, I know I need to focus on my healing right now. I’m just really conscious of keeping the baggage to a minimum so I can spot the healthy vs non healthy in the future. But you’re right, I can deal with that in time.

[nolanola]

Hi Charlierose30, good to see you on here again. I'm so sorry you're having a down turn. For me, dealing with this is very wave-like. Up one day and down the next. I'll feel great one moment and then like utter and complete crap later that same day. As more time passes, I do note that the lows don't seem as low and they don't seem to last as long. So I think that's progress. And I definitely think that the stages of grief thing is absolutely true. But it's not linear. So just because you're dealing with anger, doesn't mean you won't go back to denial again. It seems like a yo-yo process until you start breaking free a little bit. The crappiest part is that there doesn't seem to be a fix for any of this. Time, of course, but that's so slow it can drive you nuts. And it's harder to see your progress when each day is just a tiny, tiny bit better. Or if it happens over weeks instead of days. I'm working on trying to find things that help me get through the troughs of the waves (exercising, watching a favorite movie, going for a walk, listening to an inspiring podcast) while I wait for the next peak to come along. I know eventually I will reach the shore and there won't be the same up and downs, but not being able to see it makes it hard.

 

Hugs to you today.

[Beachead]

Thanks Beachead, that’s exactly what I need to hear right now.

 

I’m sick of being sad and the small glimpses of anger that I’ve had felt far more productive than the sadness. I went to see my therapist today, who said I need to allow myself to feel anger. I’m not generally an angry person, and I don’t like being angry (who does!). So whenever I feel angry normally, I think I try and suppress it. I need to let myself get angry, and let it help me move forward.

 

Definitely. Don't suppress any emotion.

 

That energy has to be expressed, harnessed and then redirected in constructive ways. Without a release, it manifests itself destructively in the choices we make, the way we treat others, the way we deal with our problems..all of which impacts our future.

 

- Beach