I need making sense of what happened and why he behaved the way he did so that I can

[violetta23]

I went on 6 dates with a guy. Things were going really well up until the last date. We got along really well and made time to see each other twice a week over the space of three weeks. We talked on the phones for hours every night. We hung out for hours (over the course of two days we spent 12 hours together watching tv shows, going for drinks). Things only went awry on the last (6th) date. I came over to his, basically understood that we were going to have oral sex (I was on my period at the time so no penetrative sex at that time).

 

He takes a long time to come. Like.....40 minutes. I went down on him for about 40 minutes which, I've you never gone down on a man, is quite a long time and demanding on your jaw/mouth area. I was fine with him not going down on me. Although, he did do so for only about a minute before asking me to 69 - worryingly perhaps because he was bored already? I don't know. Anyway. What bothered me was that afterwards I asked him if he'd give me a shoulder rub and he said no, he was "too lazy" and "couldn't be bothered." I said it was fine, I didn't want to make him do it if he didn't want to. I just felt it was ****ty selfish behaviour tbh. I then went down on him AGAIN later in the evening because he asked me to. Thankfully that only took 15 minutes.

 

Bothered by how he had treated me and the fact that after I'd gone down on him for an hour, he got up almost immediately and played his guitar to me for two hours rather than lying with me. And when I asked him, an hour into his jam session, to come lie with me he said no, he was playing, this was his "playing time."

 

He also made me pay for almost everything on our dates - I bought him meals and drinks. Don't think he bought me a drink once. He paid for our movie tickets, that was basically it. I should mention he is a student (so am I) so we're not exactly loaded although I do work a minimum wage job two days a week in between studying and he doesn't so I have a bit more money than him. Along with this there was other condescending, quite "mean" behaviour towards me at times - criticisms of my degree subject, being condescending when I didn't know something and I guess wanting to feel superior because I am two years older than him (he's 18, I'm 20).

 

So a few days later I told him how his selfish behaviour made me feel (as well as the inconsiderate guitar playing). I still really liked him (I still do sadly) so as long as he apologised and didn't behave like that in future, I was OK with that. We talked on the phone that evening after because he wanted me to call him. Things were a tad bit awkward but not horrendously so, we were fine. This was Monday evening. On Tuesday afternoon I message him to say that I still want to go to dinner with him on Wednesday but I don't think I wanted to go back to his afterwards (for sex basically....we had agreed before he behaved selfishly that I'd go back to his place after dinner for that). I said I needed a bit more time to not feel so hurt by his behaviour but I'd still love to go to dinner with him. He told me to cancel the reservation - that if we feel this uncomfortable around each other, we shouldn't see each other anymore. Then he broke it off with me, he said he'd feel too awkward around me and that'd he would "always be thinking about how much he had hurt me."

 

I've spent the past two weeks trying to figure out why the hell he threw what we had away over one problem. I was prepared to try and work it out with him but he said he'd feel "too awkward." Why would ANYONE do that? Is it just his immaturity? I have to mention that he is a virgin and has never had a relationship with a woman before - pretty sure I'm the first woman he has dated. I'm honestly still trying to make sense of it all. Any insight would be appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

I've spent the past two weeks trying to figure out why the hell he threw what we had away over one problem.

Because that's the way he is. What you had... was basically you giving him free meals, dates, BJ's and letting him do as he pleases. He wanted all of that and he didn't see any problem, and he didn't want to talk about it. As soon as you started to say no you aren't going to be treated like a door mat, he bailed. It's as simple as that. He wants his own needs met, and doesn't give 2 hoots about yours.

[losangelena]

Okay.

 

I wouldn’t say you had one problem—there were a lot of problems here.

 

A. Too much too soon—seeing each other twice a week for three weeks, plus lots of phone time, is TOO MUCH. You gotta let that ish breathe.

 

B. His lack of experience and relative young age—obviously this one can’t be helped, and he will probably be a dude for a while before he learns better, but I think this is behind most of his bad behavior, the not paying for anything, expecting you to perform Herculean sexual acts with no reciprocity or thanks, etc. Not very appealing.

 

C. The fact that you put up with all of this—you need to demand a bit more of your men. I find it interesting that you were like, “it was great,” when what you’re describing sounds awful. Why are you putting up with someone’s condescending attitude, lack of reciprocity in bed, and overall selfishness? That is not a quality man, and you need to learn to kick that ish to the curb.

 

Be thankful you are unencumbered. In the future, stop trying so hard to make something work with someone who has almost zero experience and no clue as to how to treat you.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’re far more into him than he’s into you, OP. He also treats you like an ATM and sex-provider. He is too immature for a relationship of any kinds, to top it all off.

 

What exactly is there to like about this kid?