Fed up

[Fair]

Am I the only woman over 40 who is constantly running into one man after another in the dating world who is either pining over, cheating with, stalking, obsessing and won't let go of their ex wives? So sick of it!!

 

Is it any use even trying to date a guy who has been married before, because even if they divorced YEARS ago, in almost every case SHE initiated it and HE can't get over it. WHAT is up with this??

 

Ladies... are any of you running into this as much as I am? Fed up.

[alphamale]

as a man I am getting sick and tired of women saying to me "i'm sorry but my kids come first and always will"

[carhill]

What's interesting, to me anyway, is all of my male friends have been remarried at least once, all are fathers, many are grandfathers, and to a man none will acknowledge their ex-wives beyond that they are alive and share children. A few of them won't even socialize with ex-wives. They've toughed it out for weddings of children/grandchildren but that's it.

 

It took me a couple years but by the time I offered my exW's boyfriend a job I was well over her and she's never in my thoughts, at all, anymore. I struggle to even remember my former in-laws names, like siblings, nieces, nephews, all that stuff. It's like they never existed, not in a bad way rather in a back to the billions way.

 

IDK what it is with some guys and can't let it go. Hate to fail? Divorce can seem like a failure. I mean, practically speaking, women are all the same for purposes of romance and reproduction. Some we get on with/mesh with better than others, yeah, but they all are the same. I guess I'll die in ignorance. Never have had that experience. Once a woman says see ya, or I do, they're dead to me.

 

Best wishes for meeting a different mindset of man.

[Fair]

Men who are still hung up on your ex wives... the new woman is going to PICK UP ON IT INSTANTLY. Do everyone a favor, save some drama, and stay out of the dating pool.

[Fair]

What's interesting, to me anyway, is all of my male friends have been remarried at least once, all are fathers, many are grandfathers, and to a man none will acknowledge their ex-wives beyond that they are alive and share children. A few of them won't even socialize with ex-wives. They've toughed it out for weddings of children/grandchildren but that's it.

 

I assume you don't share children. In any event, good for you for leaving your ex's behind.

 

That said, I doubt as a man you know much about what's really going on with your male friends... it takes being in a relationship with someone to find out what's really going on. Usually.

[snowcones]

Am I the only woman over 40 who is constantly running into one man after another in the dating world who is either pining over, cheating with, stalking, obsessing and won't let go of their ex wives? So sick of it!!

 

Is it any use even trying to date a guy who has been married before, because even if they divorced YEARS ago, in almost every case SHE initiated it and HE can't get over it. WHAT is up with this??

 

Ladies... are any of you running into this as much as I am? Fed up.

 

 

With my current guy, there was a time when I thought he might have still loved his ex-wife (he told me how much he once loved her) but they are no longer in contact, she has remarried, and more importantly, he made me feel like he loved me just as much or more. So I'm okay with it. Other than that, I have never experienced it.

[carhill]

I assume you don't share children. In any event, good for you for leaving your ex's behind.

 

That said, I doubt as a man you know much about what's really going on with your male friends... it takes being in a relationship with someone to find out what's really going on. Usually.

Oh, if any of my male friends had ex issues I'd hear it from their wives even if I didn't heart it from them. I hear everything from their wives I'm going back 20-30 years with some of them and knew their ex-wives personally. My best friend refuses to be in the same space as his ex, he filed for divorce and got 100% custody of the kids and didn't go to a granddaughter's wedding because exW was there. He's been remarried for 35 years now and was married for 12 to his exW. He was dating his current wife when I met him.

 

Something I neglected in my original post was the impact of generational behaviors and the manner of the prior marriages ending.. Men of my generation are somewhat different from younger guys in a number of ways. Also, I know of three who filed for divorce from their first wives and also sued for custody of the children, something new and controversial back in the 70's and 80's when it was expected that women would always get majority or full custody. The aversion to the ex appears to be strongest with them.

 

You're correct, my exW and I didn't have children. We were older, tried for a number of years without success.

[mortensorchid]

I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. I have tried to be the best me I can be but they are either "damanged" from their past and let you know of it, or they are just not interested in anything other than some trashy girl who provides all drama and not a moment's rest.

 

I have lost much hope but there is a glimmer within me that says "Don't give up". Listen to that glimmer that there might be someone out there somewhere for you. Lids for every pot like they say.

[Fair]

Oh, if any of my male friends had ex issues I'd hear it from their wives even if I didn't heart it from them. I hear everything from their wives I'm going back 20-30 years with some of them and knew their ex-wives personally. My best friend refuses to be in the same space as his ex, he filed for divorce and got 100% custody of the kids and didn't go to a granddaughter's wedding because exW was there. He's been remarried for 35 years now and was married for 12 to his exW. He was dating his current wife when I met him.

 

Something I neglected in my original post was the impact of generational behaviors and the manner of the prior marriages ending.. Men of my generation are somewhat different from younger guys in a number of ways. Also, I know of three who filed for divorce from their first wives and also sued for custody of the children, something new and controversial back in the 70's and 80's when it was expected that women would always get majority or full custody. The aversion to the ex appears to be strongest with them.

 

You're correct, my exW and I didn't have children. We were older, tried for a number of years without success.

 

And your friends initiated the divorce... that's key. Most of the time, it's the other way around, I find, and when men are the ones being dumped that just seems to be it for them. They stay stuck.

[carhill]

My exW filed the divorce but that was procedural. We had agreed on everything prior and had already done asset transfers. Again, older though. I was 50 when our D was final. Different psychology too. I'm not a skirt chaser. Women in general hold no court over me. Only human. Too much damage as a young person. I get that some guys get attached to the pussy. I'm not one of them.

[chillii]

Nah , wouldn't agree with that at all, dumped or dumper.

Most guys l know would rather not even be in the same country as their ex and moved on centuries ago . Me we're on good terms but l'd still be in at least a different state long ago if it were possible.

Matter of fact a lot have been hounded by her to the degree they'd happily throw her under a bus if it was legal, not vise verse .

 

Think you've gotta sharpen your picker.

Edited December 13, 2018 by chillii

[BaileyB]

Think you've gotta sharpen your picker.

 

This. It's all about who you chose to date.

 

Not to dismiss your feelings, but I have not had the same experience.

[basil67]

On the positive, you're now able to meet people, get out of the house and go dating. Go you! Such a personal achievement.

[2.50 a gallon]

I too am divorced.

Just by saying "I Do", I found that getting a divorce can be expensive. It was either that or half of what I owned and money I might make in the future could be hers. She was the one whom I was going to have a family with. It totally soured me on love and marriage.

With no family, a woman was only good for companionship.

And the world was still full of beautiful women ready to share a weekend bed with.

So a relationship and or marriage was out.

[burnt]

as a man I am getting sick and tired of women saying to me "i'm sorry but my kids come first and always will"

 

And, as a woman, I am so sick of guys who say "My kids come first" AND they are still chasing their ex-wives years after the divorce.

 

Double whammy.

[Gretchen12]

Since we're speaking in generalities... I think probably divorced people can understand each other's feelings for the ex.

 

When you're in your 20's, almost all the men you date have never been married.

When you're in your 30's, there are fewer men available because some are taken.

When you're in your 40's, some divorced men become available but they're newly divorced and the kids are young.

When you're over 50, few men in your age group have never been married. There are more men who divorced long ago and the kids are grown.

When you're over 60, some men have died (as women live longer), some men are widowers, and some just want to be alone.

 

Everyone has a past, marriage or long term relationship. Don't date someone fresh out of a relationship.

[Serotonine]

Am I the only woman over 40 who is constantly running into one man after another in the dating world who is either pining over, cheating with, stalking, obsessing and won't let go of their ex wives? So sick of it!!

 

Is it any use even trying to date a guy who has been married before, because even if they divorced YEARS ago, in almost every case SHE initiated it and HE can't get over it. WHAT is up with this??

 

Ladies... are any of you running into this as much as I am? Fed up.

 

No,its not only you.

 

72% of divorces are initiated by women: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10357829/Why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-than-men.html

 

Pending that a divorce is almost always highly damaging to a man's finances,mental health and general well being it is understandable that they will never get over it. It's a very very deep psychological trauma for most men.

[alphamale]

No,its not only you.

 

72% of divorces are initiated by women: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10357829/Why-do-women-initiate-divorce-more-than-men.html

 

Pending that a divorce is almost always highly damaging to a man's finances,mental health and general well being it is understandable that they will never get over it. It's a very very deep psychological trauma for most men.

 

72% of ALL relationships are ended by women

[chillii]

l don't believe 95% of these stats they come up with and even if that were true all it says is that women these days are weak and know less about making a marriage work than men.

And that they think more about themselves than their kids .

 

But whatever the case despite the fake happy face l've seen many women put on as they get through divorce , and the mess so many leave in a wake , it's obviously very much a trauma for both.

My ex went bananas and so did most of the other ex wives l know of.

Matter of fact , it was usually the wives causing the havoc later and unbelievable stuff too.

 

Not to say it's always that way but in my circle it was what it was, just was.

Most of the guys were pretty peaceful and more concerned about their kids and keeping it together for them, or moving on with someone new only to have the ex trying to wreck that too and all kinds of bs.

Edited December 14, 2018 by chillii

[chillii]

Add to the mix from what l've heard about divorcing in the US for example, women literally get encouraged to divorce with a free ride for years to come out of his pocket, even if she blew it all to bits and screwed around whatever.

But obviously a man has to really think about it no matter how much he hates her , because it's gonna cost him even more if heaven forbid he wants out.

 

So you know , things are never as cut and dry as all the bs makes out.

[Fair]

Add to the mix from what l've heard about divorcing in the US for example, women literally get encouraged to divorce with a free ride for years to come out of his pocket, even if she blew it all to bits and screwed around whatever.

But obviously a man has to really think about it no matter how much he hates her , because it's gonna cost him even more if heaven forbid he wants out.

 

So you know , things are never as cut and dry as all the bs makes out.

 

None of this makes you guys any more appealing....

 

I do agree the ex wife often comes out of the woodwork very often, and tries to screw up the man's new relationship once he gets any idea about moving on... I can imagine it's great for the woman's ego to have a man pining for her for years and it's probably like a drug so they CAN'T let him move on. However... the man is always a willing participant in this b.s game and drops the new woman like a hot potato to get a pat on the head from his ex wife. Even if she's long since been re-married.

[Fair]

I think my ex was still carrying on at least an emotional affair with his ex wife, who cheated on him 20 years ago after a marriage that only lasted just over a year.

 

I think this because he kept bringing her up when he was with me, and I started to suspect she was who was on the other end of his cell when he'd smuggle it into my bathroom for 10 minutes at a time, likely texting. I have no proof... but he's emotionally unavailable anyway, and most like an Avoidant Personality Type. So it's probably not a stretch to think that's what was happening.

 

To make matters worse, his parents have stayed friends with HER parents all these years, and still visit back and forth. And I can just imagine when his son comes to visit... which is all the time... there's constant talk about his mom. It's like it's suiting everyone around him to help keep him stuck... his mom depends on him for everything, why would she want to see him with a new woman? I get the feeling she wouldn't.

 

At any rate he feels like his ex wife is part of HIS family... I once said to him, "I bet you're still hung up on that woman." How dare I call his ex wife 'that woman.' He jumped right up to correct me. "That's (my son's ) mom."

 

We've broken up for going on to two months, and I'm still grieving our relationship. I'm haunted by this, to be honest. I never voiced my true suspicions or opinions... I only said that one thing, once, and never brought it up again. But I'm guessing her head is swelled like a balloon knowing he's NEVER been able to move on, and wants to keep it that way, rearing her ugly head whenever he finds someone else.

 

I have no proof, but I've seen this situation before. And it seems like a sick family dynamic where SHE'S standing right in the middle of everything even though she has another husband... I keep wondering if she's the reason he broke up with me. To appease her. To get a pat on the head from her as a reward for trashing the new woman. If so, What a fool. She's been remarried ever since she left him over 20 years ago.

 

I have no concrete proof, just my suspicions based on what I've learned. But even though I've gone no contact with him, I still find myself wanting to call him out on it... to drag it out of him. Even now. I guess it's my own ego... I want to trash everyone who might have been responsible for their part in my relationship going down the toilet.

 

Someone please stop me from doing this... It wouldn't lead to any valuable outcome, but I'm afraid in my grief I'll do it and end up feeling worse as a result.

[chillii]

Yeah , whatever the case l'm sorry it didn't work out.

lt might've been , might not as you say l mean you'd literally need proof and who'd wanna have to go to that extreme.

l do know both me and my ex feel something , we were married a long time and she is the mother of my daughter but l don't wanna be back with her, just sayin.

Not that that's the case with him , no idea.

 

Sadly though if as we get older though , if we're gonna try again it's a risk too one way or another l know, and it becomes very bloody tough and literally a gamble with time.

 

l could say though in all honesty , if someone isn't full steam ahead willing and able, then step back and try not to get involved unless they're willing to lay it on the line to you and have some reason you can live with.

[5x5]

Someone please stop me from doing this... It wouldn't lead to any valuable outcome, but I'm afraid in my grief I'll do it and end up feeling worse as a result.

 

If you don't want to behave the way you claim men do, with respect to pining after their ex's, you would do well to not do that yourself either.

 

As to myself, I ended my first marriage (she cheated on me and I dumped her immediately upon finding out). I didn't look back, I threw out every letter from her I had, and threw out every photo and drawing I had of her.

 

Funnily enough I tried to divorce her immediately, yet was obliged to be separated for 12 months before I could.

 

Anyway I moved on, quite happily afterwards.

 

I only spoke to her when I had to, otherwise I had no interest in communicating with her at all.

 

My current (2nd) wife has never met her, nor spoken to her. Although she has seen pictures, via facebook and my parents). While I have not spoken to her for many years.

 

Until things started going wrong I enjoyed my time with her, once they went wrong I let her go and moved on. Just as I've never had any problem dumping other women in the past (mostly through boredom and wanting others).

 

Of which I have only been dumped by two women and they got back with me afterwards before I ultimately let them go as well.

 

My current wife is the only woman I have ever been with that I haven't dumped.

 

If my marital relationship with my wife of today ended, I would be okay moving on and moving forward without her.

 

Some of us men, have no problem letting women go and moving on, especially when it has been easy to be with other women that they want.

 

Life goes on...

[5x5]

I will also add I have never been inclined to burden others with my past relationships. Simply because they're history and there's no point in pining after what's already over.